For leaving my friend's 30th early?

[doritstew]

My friend turned 30 today. A group of 15 of us went for lunch at 2 pm. At 4 pm friend had arranged a party bus that drove us around our home town for an hour. At 5 pm the bus was arranged to go to the nearest city. I didn't fancy it. Number 1 - I was tired after lunch (this happens when I eat and drink), 2 my dogs were at home so needed back for them and 3 I don't like the feeling of it taking a while to get home.

Out of 15 of us, only 5 went to the nearest city. The rest of us got off the bus at the same time. Some were pregnant, some just didn't want to go.

My friend is now giving me a hard time as I am her best friend and she thought I should have made the effort. Bearing in mind she never made my 30th as she was on holiday with her boyfriend. I gave her plenty of notice I wouldn't go to the nearest city. And the 10 of us that never went said multiple times that if she stayed local, we would have stayed out.

AIBU?

YANBU. You told her in advance, she had no issues at the time, she was away for your birthday celebrations herself, and as your best friend she would have known your birthday before booking! So really not sure she can complain that you didn’t go all out!

This.

BF was told in advance. She was fine with it.

BF also knew that people would’ve stayed out longer if the party stayed local. She chose not to stay local and wanted to drag everyone into London after an afternoon of drinking already, knowing full well some people wouldn’t come. That’s on her.

She knew when your birthday was, but decided to book a holiday on that date instead. Knowing it would mean she wouldn’t be here to help you celebrate it. That’s fine, but she has a cheek to then get pissy with you for not pulling an all dayer for her birthday. At least you showed up for hers.

This is no way to live a life.

I think it’s cringe/big headed to organise your own day out and demand people do things they don’t want to do and spend lots of money in the process just because you’ve aged a year.

Completely agree

First of all your also 30 ... how are you tired after lunch maybe get your bloods checked ans second you went home to a dog I would be raging too I am 44 next thursay I have 3 boys from ages 4 to 10 months I love girls nights out ... I wish I was 30 again

@Clarabell77 in my experience it’s been agreed we’ll do stuff rather than anyone making demands! For my 40th a few friends suggested we went away for a few nights. We agreed a budget and I sent suggestions. We all agreed in a place to go and had a fab time within everyone’s budget. It may make you cringe but how do you arrange to do anything with friends like that? Any night out or weekend away would need someone to make a suggestion and others to agree. Most people do stuff for 30/40/50 etc.

Is this the first time anyone is telling you, at the age of 44, that just because you still enjoy a girls night out, doesn't mean everyone else does also? Also, if you'd have bothered to read my replies, you'll see that I have diabetes as well as a very busy and hectic schedule at the moment. I explained why I'm tired, especially due to my blood sugars not being too well controlled at the moment. And sugar spike = an overwhelming tiredness like you've never experienced. Alcohol = sugar spike. Certain foods = sugar spike. So thank you, I take my bloods on a daily basis, many times per day.

Your comment was both idiotic and pointless 🙄

OP has had her bloods checked. She has diabetes which she is struggling to control and therefore gets tired after a meal and drinks

That’s right up there with the most rubbish excuses…

It’s really not? It’s cruel to leave dogs alone longer than that. Presumably OP didn’t have anyone else who could’ve looked after them.

I'm in my early 30's and that night

Sorry posted too early

That night sounds like hell to me. Love being at home with my dc and dog. If you told your friend previously you wouldn't be out the full night she shouldn't have an issue.

Partying all day and night is over rated! I would much rather be in my comfies on the sofa

20 minutes instead of 10 minutes. Wow. Just say you don't like her and go. Seriously. You're all awful. If I was her I'd honestly block you and make some real friends.

Don't be ridiculous.

Your excuses weren’t ‘rubbish’. You have dogs. Unless you had someone to look after them, anyone who has dogs know you can’t just disappear for hours. That’s the thing with pets, they’re a commitment you can’t just ignore in favour of a day out at a party I’m afraid.

Yes, to the OP’s friend it was, everyone’s expectations of friendship are different, so your standards of ‘best friendship’ aren’t relevant here. I would not expect a best friend to do any of those things you’ve listed, but I would expect them to stay out for my milestone birthday. But my standards of friendship aren’t relevant here either- only the OP & her best friend.

As best friends, they should have a mutual understanding of what their own standards of friendship are, although it doesn’t seem like they do, given that OP’s best friend expected she would stay out for the evening for her milestone birthday, and OP thinks that was unreasonable, and that’s their main issue really.

It is utterly beyond me how people sacrifice human relationships and you know, fun for their dogs. If my friend told me they had to bail on a day or evening out - especially a big birthday celebration - after 3 hours because of their pets I would consider them to be a very poor friend and a bit weird frankly.

She didn't bail, she had told her friend before the event.

You feel that way because you don’t have dogs. When people decide to have a dog, it’s a huge commitment, because you do have to sacrifice stuff sometimes. A bit like when people have kids. If friendships are strong, there should be an understanding that sometimes things can’t be dropped to attend someone’s party or event.

Totally agree.

So you spent 3 hours with her and didn't fancy carrying on which is fine. You didn't stand her up, you're not her slave and you gave her a heads up that you might leave early. I could understand her being disappointed if everyone had left then so she had to cut her evening short but she carried on with five friends. Now she is in a huff with you. Are you sure she is 30 and not 12?

YANBU

Why do people these days make such a big deal of birthdays and hen-do’s ? I just don’t get it! I get it when you’re 18 or 21, having a big party…. But at 30?? I had a mortgage and was married by 30 and I’m miffed at how, especially in this financial climate, people can afford to spend so much ….. I’d personally have said from the off ‘I can make the lunch and pub crawl but not going into town!!’ I think it’s either or, not both! Who can afford to drink from 2pm?? Crazy!
Also as a dog owner myself I totally get not wanting to leave the dogs from 1ish when you left home till gone midnight…. Just cruel…. So I wouldn’t have gone either, 3 hours is enough, and I’d tell her in a very diplomatic way that you’re sorry if she’s upset, but you had told her you couldn’t make the evening, and you’d really thought the lunch and time spent together was lovely celebrating her birthday.

maybe when she’s sobered up and slept on it she’ll realise what a drama Queen she’s being

Most normal people accept their friends have other commitments and parts of their life that mean they operate on different schedules. Friends are flexible and understanding whether that’s because someone has pets, kids, is ill, going through a tough time, doesn’t have much money etc. what matters is that people still make time for each other where they can - which OP did, and told her friend well in advance that she couldn’t stay out all day. I’m really baffled as to why that’s an issue to anyone, it’s not like she only dropped the news on the day that she wasn’t staying out.

I think the friend sounds like a shit friend and hope that the OP finds nicer and kinder friends herself.

OP works in a very demanding role during the week, she was working on the morning of the party too. She's also a single mum. She also has diabetes which she's finding hard to control at the moment due to stress and which makes her tired after a meal.

Her friend then decided to give her a hard time because she only stayed for a few hours.
I'd be thanking her for making it to the meal and telling her to go home and put her feet up and relax, not laying into her.

Some of these post ask why is celebrating a birthday a deal with people who you love care about a big deal.

I got to do a weekend away with my best friend for her 40th.

A year later she was dead. That's why.

Time is precious, it really is. But everyone will have there own boundaries. What's right for them.

Makes me feel sad when I read post like this. Not the bailing early. But that best friends are arguing over it.

I would love to spend time with my friend, on any bus for any length of time.

Just my perspective. Others be different and that's fine.