For leaving my friend's 30th early?

[doritstew]

My friend turned 30 today. A group of 15 of us went for lunch at 2 pm. At 4 pm friend had arranged a party bus that drove us around our home town for an hour. At 5 pm the bus was arranged to go to the nearest city. I didn't fancy it. Number 1 - I was tired after lunch (this happens when I eat and drink), 2 my dogs were at home so needed back for them and 3 I don't like the feeling of it taking a while to get home.

Out of 15 of us, only 5 went to the nearest city. The rest of us got off the bus at the same time. Some were pregnant, some just didn't want to go.

My friend is now giving me a hard time as I am her best friend and she thought I should have made the effort. Bearing in mind she never made my 30th as she was on holiday with her boyfriend. I gave her plenty of notice I wouldn't go to the nearest city. And the 10 of us that never went said multiple times that if she stayed local, we would have stayed out.

AIBU?

You care for your dogs. You said in advance. Seems reasonable to me.

I don't do this 'big birthday' thing, which I feel is a load of nonsense designed to get people to spend more money. Every birthday is 24 hours long!

Not unreasonable. Not everyone wants a big night out.

I think your friend has a horrible bunch of friends! Imagine ten people bailing on your birthday night out, I would have been devastated. I also can’t believe a group of thirty year olds are too tired to stay out after lunch and / or won’t go to the next town.

Your birthday is irrelevant, she was on holiday, mentioning it makes it seem like you are glad her day didn’t go to plan. You are no friend.

Like others here, I am a bit on the fence and I feel like there was some poor behavior all round.

I think the list of events the birthday girl had planned here is completely over the top; did she discuss this with everyone and canvass them for their views, or just tell everyone "This is what we're doing"? It does rather sound like she is trying to recreate everyone's 19yo student lifestyle, and failed to read the room. If most people are 30-ish, half of them are going to be either pregnant or have a tiny tot at home.

However, I also think that everyone here should have communicated with her clearly and given her some feedback on this. If she had heard from enough people clearly in advance that "I'm afraid I can only really join for the first half," she probably would have changed plans. Did you not have a group chat or something? Did the other women not say in advance that they were not planning on getting on the bus?

I agree you are probably being scapegoated for (in her mind) precipitating a chain of "sorry, I can't do the bus thing," which is a bit unfair, since you were at least someone who did give her advance notice.

Re "you are 30 not 90" - I think it really depends on where people in your social groups are with the whole baby thing.

If your circle is still mostly single and childfree, it's probably a bit different. But in some social groups, a lot of women are pregnant, trying to get pregnant or have a small child by that age. Going on massive benders does get tricky for a few years around that time.

But this ’best friend’ wasn’t there for op’s birthday at all.
Op, showed up and pre-warned she won’t be all night.
Op’s done nithing wrong.

The friend sounds like total shit though.

When you make plans you usually run it past people, to see who's up for it. I think its great so many turned up for 3 hours. You already told her before hand, that you didn't want to go to other cities. She didn't go to your 30th birthday, so she's lucky you even went. I wouldn't have gone because I hate feeling trapped, not knowing what time we were coming back home. I much prefer drinking locally, so I can leave when I've had enough.

I'm shocked by how many people just expect someone to go to an all day event for someone's birthday. Especially one that is just centered around drinking.
What if people don't drink or can't afford it or introvert or struggle with anxiety in a situation like this?

She's turned 30 not 21 and her expectations were far too high and a bit juvenile. A group of 30 something women going round their local town in a party bus is a bit tragic. If she had have wanted maximum participation she should have organised something most people could and would want to join in with. Dinner and drinks rather than expecting people to give up their whole day. Your friend has to seriously lower her expectations for her birthdays from now on, people have increasingly different priorities.

To the people being negative- you really give us women a bad name. So b**y She entitled to do that she wants. And those of you comparing yourself bc you are 40 - how are you 40 and don't even yet understand that people are different whatever their age. And to the person saying they'd have no issues finding 10+ friends - well done you 🙄😂 Seriously, the bday girl needs to get over herself as do most of you lot. I bet your husbands love being with you and your uptight, moaning, opinionated selves 😂

I couldn't do it now but I'm twice the age of these ladies lol - when I was 30, I'd have given it a bloody good try!!!

Whereas I'm in my early thirties and would absolutely hate it. I wouldn't enjoy feeling like I had to "give it a go" to protect someone's feelings either.

Not everyone likes all day drinking and partying and I think it says a lot that so many people opted to go home halfway through 😬

I can understand the birthday girl being disappointed but I also think she was unrealistic with what she planned - a full day of celebrating is a bit much.

People aren't horrible just because they won't force themselves to do something they don't enjoy.

I can see why she’s pissed and the excuse it would have taken you ten mins more to get home is nothing short of batshit

The fact that only five friends did both activities proved the birthday girl didn’t pick a good combination of activities. I would only do the lunch or the evening.

Who needs enemies with friends like you?

I agree with this.

But that's what i enjoy doing and what makes me happy. Spending time with my daughter and my pets. What's wrong with that? Are you saying those memories are worth less compared to going out partying?

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants yes, you are a dick. I'm currently completing my MSc, I know how to write, thanks for your concern. I'd had a few drinks last night and didn't expect my retired English teacher to pop up making corrections.

I think you can predict that certain events will sap your energy as they are just not your cup of tea. This event would be an energy-sapper for me, it's too long, doing the the same thing but in different towns.

In your case OP I would have attended the event the opposite way round. Made an excuse to not be at the lunch and join them later for he bus and town part with lots of energy and having already sorted out how I was getting home. That way you are part of the Last Man Standing Crew but you still have time during the day for other things.

That's hindsight though!

You went for lunch its fine. These birthdays are over the top I think. I have dogs you cant be gone all day...

It was Essex to London

So when was the night out originally mentioned? Did you say you’d go to the whole thing originally then drop out days before?

Having spent my 30s attending events and activities I didn't want to attend just to make other people happy, YANBU.

I bet your husbands love being with you and your uptight, moaning, opinionated selves

Lovely bit of misogyny for a Sunday morning.

To be fair I agree that usually reading comprehension on mn is below key stage 1 level but in this instance "plenty of notice" is very vague.

If friend sent a message round 3 weeks before her birthday saying "plan is food/party bus/then into to London" and OP said "sounds good but do you mind if I leave after bus" then that's fine.

If op said at the time "yes sounds great cant wait!" but then a day or two before, (or less notice) messaged saying "actually do you mind if I miss the city part" then it's fair enough that friend is annoyed , particularly if 9 other people did the same!

Same with the friends saying about staying local -if they said that at the time birthday girl was making the plans that's fair enough. Slightly rude as its friends birthday so she should decide what she wants to do but they are allowed to agree/decline. However if they agreed to going into London afterwards and then changed their minds and just said on the bus "oh I would have stayed out if we'd stayed in essex" then that's horrible and no wonder birthday girl is upset.

Lunch would have been enough for me at 30 (only 6 years ago) I had a 5 year old and childcare was difficult especially at the weekend. Also we have a dog 😊

Also it’s the money side of things, I wouldn’t want to spend a fortune at the minute with how much things are costing, I could think of many things I would rather put the money to then a night out for someone’s birthday when I had already spent money on lunch and a present.