For leaving my friend's 30th early?

[doritstew]

My friend turned 30 today. A group of 15 of us went for lunch at 2 pm. At 4 pm friend had arranged a party bus that drove us around our home town for an hour. At 5 pm the bus was arranged to go to the nearest city. I didn't fancy it. Number 1 - I was tired after lunch (this happens when I eat and drink), 2 my dogs were at home so needed back for them and 3 I don't like the feeling of it taking a while to get home.

Out of 15 of us, only 5 went to the nearest city. The rest of us got off the bus at the same time. Some were pregnant, some just didn't want to go.

My friend is now giving me a hard time as I am her best friend and she thought I should have made the effort. Bearing in mind she never made my 30th as she was on holiday with her boyfriend. I gave her plenty of notice I wouldn't go to the nearest city. And the 10 of us that never went said multiple times that if she stayed local, we would have stayed out.

AIBU?

All those so called friends bailing at 5pm is shocking tbh. I'm not surprised she's upset. Also tired after lunch at 30 is pathetic unless you have major health problems. My parents are 80 and can happily manage a day & evening for a celebration. Sounds like you just wanted to get home regardless which as her so called 'best friend' is pretty shit. A 30th is a big celebration so totally understandable that she would want to do something special and not just stay local.

How is it excuses when she said before the event she wasn't going? I do get her being s but put out only a handful went out in the night but if everyone said no beforehand then it wasn't a suprise?

To be honest now an hour driving around on a bus would finish me off but I get it 5pm is a bit of an early finish for a big celebration. If she was on holiday for yours she can't help that. Maybe organise another night out when you go out slightly later?

I'd be surprised if any of my friends said they couldn't be bothered going on a landmark birthday night out. Mind you I have a really good group of friends around me because I have weeded out all the assholes so this just wouldn't happen. We support each other and are there for good and bad times and if that means sometimes going out when youre a bit tired or taking the time to arrange a dog sitter then so be it. I'm 50 now though so anyone pulling stunts like this at 30 would be long gone.

For those wondering why I'm so tired - I am on placements Monday to Friday 9-5 in a very draining and demanding role, I work 3 late nights a week and early on Saturday mornings. I was working Saturday morning of the party. On top of that I have a household to run and am a single mum to my girl, I am go, go, go. On top of that I have diabetes and I'm not managing to control my bloods very well at the moment due to stress etc. So yes, I tend to get very tired after a big meal/alcohol due to blood sugar spikes.

All of which your “friend” will be aware of but is trying to guilt you about not doing everything she wanted for her birthday.

I've also partied from age 11 till recently and I'm over it. I don't have the interest in partying anymore. Call me boring all you want.

Is this the sort of thing you as a group would have seen as pretty amazing 5 - 8 years ago? It seems a bit more in keeping with celebration in your early 20s than a lot of people would want as they get older. This sounds to me a bit as though your friend is out of step with a significant portion of her friendship group, and that probably stung a bit harder for the realisation coming on her 30th.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to bow out providing you did so before the bus into London was booked (or if she did that without asking you, the at the earliest opportunity). And you aren’t wrong for that not being the sort of celebration you want to participate in. I don’t think you’re obliged to go along with it because it’s her 30th. Friends’ celebrations are supposed to be something people like attending, not something to be endured to keep them happy. It is on the host to organize something for the people they want to invite, not to expect people to endure something on their behalf.

But I think you should approach this issue with a bit of compassion for her - she had a vision of a special night for her 30th where all her friends were going to enjoy this big bash, and instead she’s found that there are big differences in her friendship group that she didn’t realise before. Maybe tell her you’re sorry she’s hurt. Reminisce a bit about the nights out you’ve had in the past that were good. Tell her you’re sorry it’s not what you’re into any more and try and emphasise the things you still have in common.

This reads more like you were already pissed off with her for missing your birthday so made some fairly lousy excuses to bail on hers…

Oh gosh! Do not worry. If she is a good friend she will understand. I had a so called best friend years ago who asked me to go on her "hen weekend" to a city in E. Europe.. When we arrived, we careered around the city first evening, looking for the cheapest restaurants, 2 hours from memory without a stop off drink. When she finally was happy.. Full dinner for about 3 quid ( 5 euros) she was happy. Terrible food. All team were fed up with her. Had to take buses because she was too tight to take taxis. In the end, snuggled up in my 10 euro a night hostal that evening but freezing cold, I escaped the next morning. Taxi to airport and nice hotel for myself and back home next day. Never heard from her since and didnt go to her wedding "table" as my boyfriend at the time who she knew wadnt invited. He is now my husband of 20 years!

For my best friend's bday I'd have made the effort and gone until the very end.

I think you are a shit friend too. To me friendship is about give and take, not just being there for the bits you personally enjoy. So if a friend wants to do something for her special birthday then I will do it for her, to make her happy. It isn't all about what I want all the time. I am sure your friend is very hurt so many of her "friends" bailed out on her celebration. Your excuses were really weak. I hope she finds some nicer and kinder friends in future.

Read the OP's post. She did

Yanbu OP. You let her know beforehand. Many others also didn't go. You gave perfectly valid reasons, though " I don't want to" should be sufficient enough.

YANBU - she's being batshit.

You went straight from work to her boozy lunch and a party bus around town and - as she knew you planned - then you went home.

If that sparked several more of her friends to go "yeah, I'm going to head home too," that's not your problem. Your friend was expecting far too much for her 30th. Either a night time thing or an afternoon thing, not both. Daytime drinking makes lots of people sleepy, doubly so if you've worked that morning.

Absolutely agree with this! You’re an adult and allowed to make adult decisions without someone acting like they’re a teenager and throwing a hissy fit!
Ridiculous YADNBU and it doesn’t matter what your reasons were! X

So you could have stayed for a few hours if it was ten minutes away, but couldn’t go at all because it was twenty minutes away? This makes no sense.

If it was local, it would be easier to go home. I don't like to be too late because of my children. I would think that if a bus is leaving for a city, I need to think about whether to get on it. What time will people come home? How will I get home? How much will it cost to get home? Is the city in question safe to be walking around? Am I familiar enough with that city Tobe walking around alone? So the natural finish point is the bus going. I live close to Glasgow, but have not been in for a night out for years.

If it stayed local, I can leave when I like. I can walk home. So I would not have to make that call early and would be grand staying out until around 10. So 5 hours later would still work.

I agree with her, I think you should have made more of an effort, your excuses sound weak. Also sounds like it's a bit of payback since she couldn't make it to yours. Not much of a friendship.

This. YANBU.
Needing to get back for dogs is NOT a poor excuse as some other pp have said

Yes, but is not going drinking bailing? Really? I have sat on the phone through the night lots of times for different friends. I have flown to another country despite having children, because my friend's mum died. I have driven from Scotland to the lake District, setting off at midnight, because my friend got ditched very abruptly. I have gotten a train to London and purchased an expensive ticket, to watch a friend speak at a conference about phlebotomy (I know fuck all about this) because she was nervous and I was her cheerleader. I am a good friend. But I do not do mad nights of drinking anymore.

A night drinking is not really the kind of thing I would judge a friendship over.

This. I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. If she were a good friend then i would have thought that she may have talked to you before booking this birthday trip complete with bus tour etc. I really would not have done it either frabkly, 4 or 5 hours is enough for anyone in my book, especially if you have a family and a busy life / job to juggle.

20 minutes is too far for you best mates 30th?? I’m sorry but you make an effort for your mates. It’s a THING. If you don’t want mates then don’t make an effort

But the said friend made zero offort for OP, so... Karma is also a thing.

When you’re over the age of 15 you tend to accept that people’s lives and preferences are different and don’t try to force them to do stuff they don’t want to do just because it’s your birthday.. OP made quite an effort by doing what she did and yet her so called friend is trying to guilt trip her. That’s not what friends do.