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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving my friend's 30th early?

333 replies

doritstew · 11/03/2023 17:53

My friend turned 30 today. A group of 15 of us went for lunch at 2 pm. At 4 pm friend had arranged a party bus that drove us around our home town for an hour. At 5 pm the bus was arranged to go to the nearest city. I didn't fancy it. Number 1 - I was tired after lunch (this happens when I eat and drink), 2 my dogs were at home so needed back for them and 3 I don't like the feeling of it taking a while to get home.

Out of 15 of us, only 5 went to the nearest city. The rest of us got off the bus at the same time. Some were pregnant, some just didn't want to go.

My friend is now giving me a hard time as I am her best friend and she thought I should have made the effort. Bearing in mind she never made my 30th as she was on holiday with her boyfriend. I gave her plenty of notice I wouldn't go to the nearest city. And the 10 of us that never went said multiple times that if she stayed local, we would have stayed out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 12/03/2023 10:18

Mortimercat · 12/03/2023 07:10

I think your friend has a horrible bunch of friends! Imagine ten people bailing on your birthday night out, I would have been devastated. I also can’t believe a group of thirty year olds are too tired to stay out after lunch and / or won’t go to the next town.

Your birthday is irrelevant, she was on holiday, mentioning it makes it seem like you are glad her day didn’t go to plan. You are no friend.

Maybe they were already wincing at the expense, and knew that they could cut it off at a manageable point?

I went for a weekend away with friends recently, and one of the women was continually pushing, "brunch here, ooh, that fancy cocktail place is recommended, fancy dinner here" - without any consideration for budget.

Fine for some, but others will find it difficult, and find it hard to say so.

I've never been to a birthday celebration that crossed two meals in a day, come to think of it.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/03/2023 11:17

Hardtopickaname · 12/03/2023 08:10

I'm shocked by how many people just expect someone to go to an all day event for someone's birthday. Especially one that is just centered around drinking.
What if people don't drink or can't afford it or introvert or struggle with anxiety in a situation like this?

She's turned 30 not 21 and her expectations were far too high and a bit juvenile. A group of 30 something women going round their local town in a party bus is a bit tragic. If she had have wanted maximum participation she should have organised something most people could and would want to join in with. Dinner and drinks rather than expecting people to give up their whole day. Your friend has to seriously lower her expectations for her birthdays from now on, people have increasingly different priorities.

Well said.

Plus, I bet she wasn't hosting and expected all the attendees to pay for her.

Really grim.

MirabelMax · 12/03/2023 12:37

latetothefisting · 12/03/2023 10:12

To be fair I agree that usually reading comprehension on mn is below key stage 1 level but in this instance "plenty of notice" is very vague.

If friend sent a message round 3 weeks before her birthday saying "plan is food/party bus/then into to London" and OP said "sounds good but do you mind if I leave after bus" then that's fine.

If op said at the time "yes sounds great cant wait!" but then a day or two before, (or less notice) messaged saying "actually do you mind if I miss the city part" then it's fair enough that friend is annoyed , particularly if 9 other people did the same!

Same with the friends saying about staying local -if they said that at the time birthday girl was making the plans that's fair enough. Slightly rude as its friends birthday so she should decide what she wants to do but they are allowed to agree/decline. However if they agreed to going into London afterwards and then changed their minds and just said on the bus "oh I would have stayed out if we'd stayed in essex" then that's horrible and no wonder birthday girl is upset.

Show quote history

Agree. And in fact in a later post op says she let her know 'days previously' which isn't necessarily a lot of notice actually

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 12/03/2023 13:40

I don't think I've seen a more divided post on MN!
You went to the event for a few hours. You didn't want to go to the next town, and you told her this already and she accepted.
I don't think you're BU and I don't think it's fair you're being called boring/selfish/a shit friend.
It didn't work for you, you told her, she accepted, and then it turns out it didn't work for quite a few of the group and now she's upset.
I know when I plan something (including mine and DH's birthday celebrations), I think of who I'm inviting and ensure that everyone will enjoy what we do. Maybe this wasn't considered and is why 10 out of 15 went home.

IamnotSethRogan · 12/03/2023 13:44

I think you're both a bit unreasonable. It seems like a bit much for a birthday but fair enough if that's what she wants to do. However, I'd be a bit upset if something was important to me and my friend bailed with no better excuse than they couldn't be arsed really.

bamboonights · 12/03/2023 15:19

YANBU and you told her in advance.3 hours at a party is quite long enough for a lot of people.

Shoxfordian · 12/03/2023 15:26

I think you were being a bit rubbish tbh; she’s meant to be your best friend

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/03/2023 16:49

I feel very sorry for your friend that 10/15 bailed at 5pm. Even if you'd mentioned leaving early she must have have you started an exodus.

Climbles · 12/03/2023 17:10

You should have made the effort for her birthday. You don’t sound like a great friend.

Ifrozethehoumous · 12/03/2023 17:49

YANBU I wouldn’t have wanted a whole long day either.

Clarabell77 · 12/03/2023 18:01

No you’re not being unreasonable, your friend needs to grow up.

TabsK79 · 12/03/2023 18:04

Communication issue??

Clarabell77 · 12/03/2023 18:05

Mortimercat · 12/03/2023 07:10

I think your friend has a horrible bunch of friends! Imagine ten people bailing on your birthday night out, I would have been devastated. I also can’t believe a group of thirty year olds are too tired to stay out after lunch and / or won’t go to the next town.

Your birthday is irrelevant, she was on holiday, mentioning it makes it seem like you are glad her day didn’t go to plan. You are no friend.

Imagine being 30 years old and having an all day birthday celebration for yourself (cringe) and then spitting the dummy because some people “only” spent the 3 hours at it! She still got to do what she wanted, just with less people. Cannot be doing with such self centred, ungrateful behaviour. She would be told where to go.

ThePoshUns · 12/03/2023 18:06

I'm usually of the school to make excuses and leave, but for a close friend's special birthday I'd have put her first and gone along with her plans. Your excuses sound a bit flaky, dogs and a 20 minute journey home wouldn't cut it for me.

oosha · 12/03/2023 18:12

Your best friend is nuts. You do what makes you happy. YANBU.

Hydrangeatea · 12/03/2023 18:15

Coffeellama · 11/03/2023 18:01

Your excuses are a bit rubbish to be honest.

What on earth is rubbish about needing to be home for your dogs!! I would need to get home for my dogs after 4 hours of being out. Nothing rubbish about that.

If they'd stayed local I guess she could have seen to her dogs and then rejoined the group.

Oldtigernidster · 12/03/2023 18:18

YANBU. She’s not much of a friend. She didn’t get to your 30th and she doesn’t understand that you care about your dogs enough not to leave them too long.

TeenLifeMum · 12/03/2023 18:20

Why is it cringe to want to celebrate a birthday? Weird. I think that’s really disappointing. You’d not organised anything for the dogs so clearly never intended to go out all day. If my friends plan a day out, we all go out for the day. Maybe my friends like each other more than your lot. At my friend’s 50th, only 3 of us ended up staying but that was after midnight people bailed not in the afternoon.

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/03/2023 18:21

Of course the OP hadn't arranged anything for the dogs, because she'd already told her friend she wouldn't be out for the whole day!

DiscoDee · 12/03/2023 18:21

It is a bit rubbish of you. You’re only 30, jeez - I was out until 3am regularly at that stage 🤣

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 12/03/2023 18:30

Seems like you'd already spent loads of time with your friend OP! and you told her in advance so you're definitely not being unreasonable. People have lives and other things to do. The event started at 2, I'd be done socialising by 8 at the latest 😂

TheOrigRights · 12/03/2023 18:31

I text her says previously asking if she would mind and she said not at all

How previously?
This is key. If it was when plans were being firmed up and she said it was fine, then you didn't bail, and it's pretty odd if she kicked off.

ClaireEclair · 12/03/2023 18:35

Poor girl. I would be devastated if that many people left my birthday party so early on. Although I wouldn’t have organised something like this anyway. Too much pissing about and I’m lazy.

Lndnmummy · 12/03/2023 18:37

Loics · 11/03/2023 18:05

I think it's odd that anyone thins YABU. You told her in advance, she said it was fine, then changed her mind after and decided she was annoyed with you.
A night of drinking doesn't sound fun to me, and I don't have an excuse, I just wouldn't want to go out drinking. I see it from the other side too as I have a few friends who, for various reasons, can't or don't drink, and are sick of the forced exclusion as every birthday, celebration, etc. includes a lot of drinking.

100% this.

DuskHail · 12/03/2023 18:38

Life is way to short to do shit you don’t wanna do. This is coming from someone who has been a people pleaser her whole life and found out people never give it back so just do what you want! Within reason of course - at least you went out for a bit!