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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Health visitor

129 replies

ellie2323 · 11/03/2023 15:36

Hi,
so I am a first time mum, and my son was born a week ago. The health visitor has now arranged an appointment to see us at home early next week I believe on day 11.

The HV visited us before he was born. I found her intimidating and to be honest she made me feel uncomfortable.
I felt she was extremely judgey of my situation. Myself and sons dad are in a complicated relationship, we don’t live together or plan to live together permanently. He is known to the police or has been known to the police (not for anything DV related) and she was firing quite uncomfortable questions at me.

  • why don’t you plan to live together?
  • how do you pay your rent ?
  • many questions about his occupation.
  • Was the baby planned?
  • I mentioned that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother and she pressed me about this.
  • I also mentioned that my sons dad planned to move in to my house for a short time once baby was here to help out (which he has done). She questioned this, and my decision saying this could be difficult.

In all honesty I don’t know if I’m been sensitive because of hormones, I obviously know she has a job to do and a duty of care, but now the thought of her coming again is filling me with complete dread and anxiety.
I believe I can refuse the HV, but I also feel like this makes me look ‘guilty’ or like I have something to hide or be ashamed of which I have not.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into the situation, I don’t know. I was just after some impartial advice.

OP posts:
MrsBunnyEars · 11/03/2023 15:42

Many of them are awful.

My set up is totally conventional - not that it matters - but I still got massively judged.

One of them told me that my baby would sleep more if she felt more loved; another sneered at me when I said I wanted to stop BFing at 18 months, when I had horrid mastitis.

Im sure there are lovely ones, but I’m pg again and seriously contemplating opting out.

So in short - it’s probably them not you!

Star81 · 11/03/2023 15:43

Depends what you mean by your baby’s dad being known to police. It is part of her job to ensure the baby is being cared for in a safe and secure home. Is his police involvement something that would be of concern to her ?

She just wants to ensure you have adequate support so that is probably why she was wondering about other family relationships and ensuring your not isolated.

to be honest I don’t think paying your rent is her concern,

overall , midwife’s are there to endure health of mum and baby , she will weigh baby and ensure they seem to be thriving. Declining visits at this early stage would not be a good idea. Just try and go into the appointment with an open mind and am sure it will be fine.

Bumblbeestungmyknee · 11/03/2023 15:44

DSis had one that went and ran her taps to check she had running hot water! Just bizarre but I’m sure they see a lot of odd set ups and don’t want to be the HV that ends up being questioned if a DC is found to be living in a terrible set up/situation.
Try not to take it personally.

PennyRa · 11/03/2023 15:45

Put a complaint in to her boss and request a different hv

Lavender14 · 11/03/2023 15:46

Hi op, congrats on the birth of your wee bundle! I hope I'm not overstepping but my understanding of hv is that they mainly come out before baby is born if there's a concern that you might have limited support or if there's been a concern flagged up somewhere down the line? Would that be right? Maybe it's just different where I am.

I think a lot depends on how she asked those questions, I understand wanting to identify what support you have around you because it can be really tough going at times and I understand her asking more about the relationship with your mum because sometimes birth can bring up a lot of emotions around childhood and parental relationships that didn't bother you before. In terms of rent and his job etc is she thinking about your entitlements and checking you'll get everything you should in terms of benefits and child benefit etc. If things are very complicated between you and your ds dad maybe she was just checking what the plans were to be sure you'd thought it all through before you came home with a tiny baby and a boat load of hormones incase he decided to be difficult towards you. So she was maybe trying to gauge how supportive he'd actually be. So in that sense I understand why she's asked the questions, it's maybe just that she's asked them a bit less tactfully than she should have. Hv can be really useful if you don't like this one you could request another so you're still getting the service but from someone you click with a bit better. I love my hv she's been very helpful and supportive but I know friends who had really off-putting experiences so it does depend on who you get.

DappledThings · 11/03/2023 15:46

PennyRa · 11/03/2023 15:45

Put a complaint in to her boss and request a different hv

Complain about what? All the questions listed sound like sensible ones to assess if any additional support might be required.

Emmamoo89 · 11/03/2023 15:48

Sounds like she's just doing her job

PennyRa · 11/03/2023 15:49

Bumblbeestungmyknee · 11/03/2023 15:44

DSis had one that went and ran her taps to check she had running hot water! Just bizarre but I’m sure they see a lot of odd set ups and don’t want to be the HV that ends up being questioned if a DC is found to be living in a terrible set up/situation.
Try not to take it personally.

Running hot water isn't even necessary 😂

PennyRa · 11/03/2023 15:54

DappledThings · 11/03/2023 15:46

Complain about what? All the questions listed sound like sensible ones to assess if any additional support might be required.

Show quote history

Her hostility

DappledThings · 11/03/2023 15:58

PennyRa · 11/03/2023 15:54

Her hostility

Show quote history

OP hasn't described her as hostile. She found the content of the questions intimidating as might be expected given that the situation is very difficult. Doesn't mean the questions were actually inappropriate or hostily put across.

Jadviga · 11/03/2023 15:59

Those questions sound really nosy. She isn't social services, her purview is health. If baby and mom are healthy, that's all she needs to know (unless obviously they are living in absolute squalor but that doesn't seem to be the case).

I'd be tempted to opt out but I've heard that it gets flagged if you do. So I'd either request another one, or politely redirect her nosiness.

"How long is baby's dad staying ? What's his job ? Are you sure this baby was planned ?"

"Actually I'd rather we focus on my baby's health. Has she gained enough weight ?"

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/03/2023 16:03

She was asking these questions in order to asses whether you and baby are vulnerable and whether you are likely to heed support.

It's not about personal judgment. She's doing her job.

Yes you can refuse this service but with dad being known to police and you living alone - you will not be reassuring anyone that you are not in a vulnerable position.

Better to have the health visitor calling than a social worker.

CouldItBeImFallingInLove · 11/03/2023 16:03

She sounds exactly like my youngest child’s HV. In the end I told her to stop wasting her resources on a parent who knows what they’re doing & instead put them to use on something else & never seen her again. She knew my baby was a loved & looked after baby, she was just pure nosey & as soon as I told her so she stopped coming. Honestly you don’t have to have her visiting if she’s making you uncomfortable.

Twizbe · 11/03/2023 16:07

While the HV isn't social services, they can and do see families that might benefit from some additional support.

Her questions sound quite appropriate given what you have told her.

Am I right in thinking that you live alone usually? If so she was asking about what support you'd have.

You told her you don't live with your partner but that he'd be moving in for a short while after baby. She's right, that might be difficult for you if you're not used to living together.

He's known to the police. That could be a safeguarding risk that she needs to assess.

How you pay your rent, could have have been asking about any benefits you receive. She might have been trying to find out if there are any other benefits you don't claim that you could.

HV are a mixed bag. I've had a few unhelpful ones and a couple of helpful ones. It sounds like you could be someone who'd benefit from their services so don't cut them off just yet.

Autienotnautie · 11/03/2023 19:42

She sounds overbearing but equally what you described is concerning (dp being known to police, the rest is none of her business) you don't have to see her if you prefer not. Also she may refer to early help if she's concerned about baby's welfare, who can support you (if you feel it's needed) but again it's your choice.

AthenaPopodopolous · 11/03/2023 19:56

She sounds like she is reasonable to be concerned given the nature of your relationship with the baby’s father. What was his crime or involvement with the police?
If you don’t have a good relationship with your mum, who is your family or social support.
Health visitors are there to assess the well-being and safety of you and your child. Let her help. She’s asking these things for a reason. And it sounds like you could really do with support.

NewNovember · 11/03/2023 19:59

Op a hv is an optional service you can simply ring up and say you don't require one, no need to give a reason.

shard5 · 11/03/2023 20:04

HVs are responsible for your and baby's wellbeing and so it's reasonable for them to ask what might seem like quite intruding questions.
I think let her visit this one time on day 11 then see how you feel. She'll mostly focus on baby, might ask you about labour and delivery if you want to offload anything about that to her.
After the first visit you'll likely not see her until baby is 9 months but sometimes their help is very valuable.

TheSnowyOwl · 11/03/2023 20:05

The questions are fairly standard but some HVs are horrible. I would call up and say you want a different HV.

Babooshka1990 · 11/03/2023 20:08

You might not get the same
one? I think we had a different one each time.

The first one asked about family background, relationship stability and mental health but explained why and that they can signpost us to counselling if needed. It wasn’t in a judgemental way.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 11/03/2023 20:09

This reply has been deleted

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BOYBANDLOVER · 11/03/2023 20:11

opt out they are not compulsory

ive a 12 and 18 y old and never had one or needed one.

both have had all injections but i had no need for a opinionated women to come in to my house and tell me how to look after my baby.
i chose to follow a alternative parental route(gentle/hippy parenting,full co sleeping and fed on demand etc) and at 4 home educate and know they wouldnt like this.

i just told the midwife on son 1 who told me a hv was coming next week that their services wasn't required,she didn't like this and tried to tell me i must have one and when i puled up google to prove her wrong she left sharpish.

it was a phone call to the doctors surgery to say put it on file i don't want a hv and i had no bother ever since

they don't tell you its a opt in service though they make out you have to have them.

Dunnoburt · 11/03/2023 20:12

Congratulations OP.....Sounds like she's doing her job..... but if you have nothing to worry about then don't ..... you are going to take amazing care of your new arrival and that's all that matters, everything is done for safeguarding purposes.....look at all the recent cases....yes...she may form an opinion but from what you've said that's all she can do xx concentrate on you and bubs xx

Babooshka1990 · 11/03/2023 20:17

@FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks vile. It isn’t OP’s fault that she doesn’t have what you call an ‘appropriate healthy stable family background’. We don’t choose our parents!

NEmama · 11/03/2023 20:28

They're making sure baby and you are safe. Choosing to procreate with a known fellon will mean they keep an eye on you.