Health visitor

[ellie2323]

Hi,
so I am a first time mum, and my son was born a week ago. The health visitor has now arranged an appointment to see us at home early next week I believe on day 11.

The HV visited us before he was born. I found her intimidating and to be honest she made me feel uncomfortable.
I felt she was extremely judgey of my situation. Myself and sons dad are in a complicated relationship, we don’t live together or plan to live together permanently. He is known to the police or has been known to the police (not for anything DV related) and she was firing quite uncomfortable questions at me.

• why don’t you plan to live together?
• how do you pay your rent ?
• many questions about his occupation.
• Was the baby planned?
• I mentioned that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother and she pressed me about this.
• I also mentioned that my sons dad planned to move in to my house for a short time once baby was here to help out (which he has done). She questioned this, and my decision saying this could be difficult.

In all honesty I don’t know if I’m been sensitive because of hormones, I obviously know she has a job to do and a duty of care, but now the thought of her coming again is filling me with complete dread and anxiety.
I believe I can refuse the HV, but I also feel like this makes me look ‘guilty’ or like I have something to hide or be ashamed of which I have not.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into the situation, I don’t know. I was just after some impartial advice.

Fox is right and hasn’t said anything controversial in my opinion. I say this as someone from a ‘chaotic’ family background (police being called, court cases alcoholism blah blah). Difference is I suppose I’ve selected the exact opposite in DH, desperate to break the cycle.

Regardless of our backgrounds the time comes when we have children, have to stand on our own two feet and take responsibility for the decisions we’ve made rather than trying to explain them away or repeating inspirational quotes which mean nothing in day-to-day life.

Children aren’t a ‘right’ and ideally every adult should bring them into a stable situation - law abiding working parents, preferably together. That doesn’t always happen, and where there are ‘red flags’ the authorities should absolutely keep an eye on things.

Like I said, the baby’s safety comes way before your feelings - this is how it should be.

You have got involved with a bad man (no man involved with the police is a good one) and had a child with him despite not being properly being or even living together.

That is not a healthy or stable environment to bring a child up in.

I agree.

Being involved with someone who is known to the police would, of course, bear further questions.

OP, first of all, huge congrats on the birth of your baby, it sounds like you're off to a great start.

Now, ignore the posters who are just judemental and unhelpful - describing your poiston as "unstable" and talking about "bad choices" when they don't even know you. Focus on the people who want to give you constructive advice or support rather than those trying to pull you down at a vulnerable time.

HV should have been better at discussing all those issues with you in a way that didn't leave you anxious and feeling interrogated. Truth is the service has been terribly stretched and underfunded, leaving a handful of women with a huge amount of pressure and little training. So don't take it personally.

If you can bear another visit, try to stick with it as she may have some useful advice and support. If she's no good again, you can say you don't want any more visits but you'll be in touch if you need any support.