Health visitor

[ellie2323]

Hi,
so I am a first time mum, and my son was born a week ago. The health visitor has now arranged an appointment to see us at home early next week I believe on day 11.

The HV visited us before he was born. I found her intimidating and to be honest she made me feel uncomfortable.
I felt she was extremely judgey of my situation. Myself and sons dad are in a complicated relationship, we don’t live together or plan to live together permanently. He is known to the police or has been known to the police (not for anything DV related) and she was firing quite uncomfortable questions at me.

• why don’t you plan to live together?
• how do you pay your rent ?
• many questions about his occupation.
• Was the baby planned?
• I mentioned that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother and she pressed me about this.
• I also mentioned that my sons dad planned to move in to my house for a short time once baby was here to help out (which he has done). She questioned this, and my decision saying this could be difficult.

In all honesty I don’t know if I’m been sensitive because of hormones, I obviously know she has a job to do and a duty of care, but now the thought of her coming again is filling me with complete dread and anxiety.
I believe I can refuse the HV, but I also feel like this makes me look ‘guilty’ or like I have something to hide or be ashamed of which I have not.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into the situation, I don’t know. I was just after some impartial advice.

Shes doing her job in regards to those questions.

They have a duty of care to you and the baby but also have resources available if needed to support with benefit claims, additional grants and items for babies so asking about rent/ finances is perfectly normal to see if they need to support you further.
Sounds more like you didn’t ‘gel’ with her or she asked questions you hadn’t thought about or didn’t want to- like will it be hard having him in your home. Theses questions are part of her job and goes back to the age old if you have nothing to hide it wouldn’t be an issue

I think it's normal for them to show an interest in your housing, relationship, whether you are financially stable, and as your situation is a bit unusual there are bound to be extra things they want to check. You are highly likely to need extra support given what you've said on here.
Remember that they are there to look after you and baby - not to cause you any problems.
In your situation I would try to engage with the service and get what you can from it - as a first time mum there are bound to be things that you would like advice with.
Before they come, have a think about some things that you would like to discuss. Make a list maybe. Things like sleep, feeding, location of local baby groups, benefits (if that applies), your baby's growth, any local free services for new mums. That will (a) make you seem engaged and caring of your child (b) make them feel useful and (c) hopefully get them off your case about some of the other stuff.

If they want to ask about other things, I would just give honest but brief answers. No need to divulge anything that's not directly relevant. If you think they are being too nosey it's fine to politely ask what they mean by the question, or why they want to know.

Just cancel the appointment and say that you don’t want to be under the care of a HV. That’s what I did with my second. I wish I knew I could do that with my first!

I suspect that you are on the radar of social services and they have asked her to find out a bit more to see if they should get involved. That's kind of what happens when you have a baby with a criminal, sorry. So I would co-operate, make it clear why you think you aren't putting baby at risk. Tell her she can't come any more and you'll find social services at your door.

In your situation (baby with a criminal, "complicated" relationship with the criminal and no relationship with your mother) I wouldn't recommend refusing the visits.
You could request a different HV.
All HV want to do is make sure the baby is safe and cared for.

why don’t you plan to live together?
how do you pay your rent ?
many questions about his occupation.
Was the baby planned?
I mentioned that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother and she pressed me about this.
I also mentioned that my sons dad planned to move in to my house for a short time once baby was here to help out (which he has done). She questioned this, and my decision saying this could be difficult.

With regard to these questions, the reason you feel defensive is possibly because you don't like the answers yourself. For most people, asked about the baby's fathers occupation, would just say "delivery driver" or "nurse" and the question would be forgotten. I don't think any of the questions are unreasonable or unusual. They are always looking for signs of DV, financial difficulty, PND, as well as the usual baby health things such as feeding, safe sleep, no smoking etc. I think the questions are all relevant to that. They are not targetting you - it does feel a bit patronising but it's standard stuff.

Were you a single parent and was the father of your baby known to the police though? Perhaps this advice isn't the best for someone in the OP's position...

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! I think the early days are really difficult tbh, and it's hard not to take everything anyone asks you so personally.

I didn't find any contact I had with Health Visitors that useful or remarkable either way but in general they are there to ensure the wellbeing of kids and caregivers. I think the questions do just sound like she was trying to figure out how much support you had. For example I don't have any family close by and when my eldest was born DH worked away a lot so I did get a few questions about support etc. And if there's police involvement with the baby's father and you've got him living with you and the baby for a bit, I think it's fair enough that they'd try and get a bit more information about what's going on. I think in those circumstances I wouldn't refuse Health Visitor intervention.

I love the non judgemental tone on here. Has baby with known criminal but the HV is in the wrong. Batshittery mumsnet at its finest.

Yes and yes.

Just because someone is known to the police doesn’t mean they’re some woman beater pervert. If the OP doesn’t want a HV then she doesn’t need to have one. It’s really quite simple.

I’m sure SS would be involved if the father proposed any sort of threat

This HV may be somewhat abrasive and she clearly rubbed you up the wrong way. However, everything about your description of your situation screams VULNERABLE. I would urge you to try and engage with her as she may be able to help you. Whatever you do, don't try to opt out of these visits. I suspect this would definitely result in SW involvement. Although, having said that, having the support of a social worker might potentially be useful, given your circumstances, especially the baby's father and his trouble with the police.

YABU. Your ‘discomfort’ doesn’t matter. Your child’s safety does. You chose this situation.

You can refuse them. Their just polishing their halos anyway thinking their doing good 🙄

How you can give an RGN more training and still have a profession with a terrible reputation inside the NHS always baffled me.

They’re not their

Also no such such thing as a RGN anymore

If you refuse them can guarantee social services will be at your door and you really don't want that.

If there is a safeguarding issue or a potential one then it is her job to investigate that might seem like she's overstepping.

But it's not just about health...

She is asking these questions because she wants to make sure you and your baby remain safe. Why is the baby's dad known to the police? Violence? Drugs? Is there a risk that he may end up in prison in the future?

Maybe they have a terrible reputation due to things like this- clearly identifying a family who need support and yet are still the bad guys and people choose just jump and blame them!

Your setup sounds unusual so it's not surprising you were asked about this. And if your partner is known to the police then you will be questioned. What did you expect?

The questions are there to check you have some support.

I've had 2 children whilst married and still been asked if they were planned, it's a standard question

universal programme of care states HV should make contact with pregnant women after 28 weeks gestation to complete antenatal and commence family health assessment, a holistic piece of work assessing support, parenting knowledge and allowing for a conversation around health promotion topics. There are certain concerns highlighted in your story which suggest vulnerability which needs to be assessed - HV personal skills make a lot of difference as to how this is handled however at the heart of the conversation is not judgement nor “halo shining” but an attempt to understand your situation and help you access any support you might need to be the best mummy possible and promote positive outcomes for your baby. You’re absolutely entitled to decline HV however with a partner who has police involvement it’s very likely to be flagged to social work and they may draw certain conclusions

Those questions aren't all relevant.
I think some professionals are awful, I had someone turn up once on my doorstep when my DC were young. It was unannounced & she came in we had a chat & she left.
Fast forward a few weeks (I was a support worker with Barnardo's at the time) I attended a child protection conference as I was supporting a family who were central to this conference.
This 'health visitor ' was there, & in fact she was actually the social worker. She'd basically lied to get into my house & left realising nothing was wrong. Unbelievable.

In your situation I would ask for another health visitor, be honest & say that you feel intimidated & don't want to feel judged when you're already feeling vulnerable due to having a young baby.
You are well informed that the health visitor is doing their job but there are ways to do that that won't make you feel like you're being pressured or quizzed about your choices & life.
Unless the baby's DD is violent or posed a CP risk I'm not sure how they'd know. Information isn't justice shared unless there's a good reason so it might just be your living situation or family support network. I'd try to reassure them that you have support with reliable friends/ family/ dd's family or whoever is a good solid support for you & your baby.

Have this appointment, see how it goes and then decide if you’d like a different HV if possible.

It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong. You feel defensive about your current set up and it’s making you prickly.

The really crap local health visitor who I know vaguely socially through our children's school completely lost her shit with her own child in front of me at an event today. Reminded me that she is just another human being.

she's shit at her job because she's patronising and a bit socially inept with people when she is in work mode - I had first hand experience of that when she went into work mode with me in a social situation.

she's actually a pretty nice person away from work mode - some people are just really bad and unsuited to their jobs, Health Vistors included.

just remember they are human beings and if you came away from her involvement it feeling bad then it's partially on her and her professionalism and not all on you.

I do a very similar job and convey very challenging information to families about things they need to change and 99% of the time I leave having got them to agree to everything I need them to agree to and them feeling like I am on their side.

No, we don’t. But our backgrounds influence our choices in later life and those with unstable backgrounds are more likely to a) make poorer choices and b) be unable to create a secure environment for their child(ren).

That is exactly what has happened here. Baby has been born into an unstable family unit where the father is not properly around and is known to the police.

The environment is not the most suitable or secure for baby and so of course the HV and other related services need to keep a close eye.