Health visitor

[ellie2323]

Hi,
so I am a first time mum, and my son was born a week ago. The health visitor has now arranged an appointment to see us at home early next week I believe on day 11.

The HV visited us before he was born. I found her intimidating and to be honest she made me feel uncomfortable.
I felt she was extremely judgey of my situation. Myself and sons dad are in a complicated relationship, we don’t live together or plan to live together permanently. He is known to the police or has been known to the police (not for anything DV related) and she was firing quite uncomfortable questions at me.

• why don’t you plan to live together?
• how do you pay your rent ?
• many questions about his occupation.
• Was the baby planned?
• I mentioned that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother and she pressed me about this.
• I also mentioned that my sons dad planned to move in to my house for a short time once baby was here to help out (which he has done). She questioned this, and my decision saying this could be difficult.

In all honesty I don’t know if I’m been sensitive because of hormones, I obviously know she has a job to do and a duty of care, but now the thought of her coming again is filling me with complete dread and anxiety.
I believe I can refuse the HV, but I also feel like this makes me look ‘guilty’ or like I have something to hide or be ashamed of which I have not.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into the situation, I don’t know. I was just after some impartial advice.

Well.. unfortunately I cannot control the situation with my mother, and it’s not the relationship I would want with her. I wouldn’t wish the situation on others, but sadly it is what it is.

‘unstable family’ is a strong comment. Life doesn’t always pan out like a fairytale. I love my son very much, and regardless to ‘my situation’ I want to do the right thing for him as at this point he is all that matters.

In my post I said I understand that HV have a duty of care..

Again, no, you can’t change your past, but it does (and clearly has) influenced your family decisions.

Life does not always pan out, no. But you cannot call a family where the parents are not together and the father is involved with the police a stable one.

I don’t doubt you love your son, but it is important that all authorities are on high alert in these situations.

I definitely didn’t say she was in the wrong, I said it left me feeling anxious.

What was the baby’s dad convicted of? Can you tell us? That probably changes things somewhat and adds context.

No convictions.

Investigated for what?

I mean we could be talking a minor fraud, or child abuse images, so it’s pretty relevant to say what?

Hmm well I wouldn’t say it has influenced my family decisions as you are only making assumptions on the situation. I guess you are entitled to your own opinion..

Ok. Again you can take your own opinion, but I think as women we are put down so much and judged, and having my son is such a blessing and a blessing that some people do not get therefore I am very grateful regardless of it being unstable.

Again you can take your own opinion, but I think as women we are put down so much and judged

It isn’t ‘judging’, it’s safe guarding. Your feelings come second to your son’s safety. His well-being is of paramount importance. His dad is known to the police (although you won’t say for what?) and his family situation is unstable.

I’m very grateful they’re keeping an eye on the situation and urge you to overcome your ‘discomfort’ and cooperate.

I don't know if this story will help you or not, but let's see.

HVs are a mixed bag, but they can be really useful. As others have said, what you've shared here signposts to vulnerable.

My MiL had a great HV. On paper she had it made, wealthy husband with a city job, own home, from a nice MC background etc.

But she had a horrible time when she had DH. She had no friends or family near by (except her FiL and BiL - neither much use) her husband worked long hours and had had to fly to Nigera for 24 hours the day after she had DH. She was struggling with breastfeeding, and she had a dog to care for. She loved her HV because this woman helped her breastfeed and helped her to find her feet as a parent.

They aren't all bad.

I never said I wouldn’t cooperate. I appreciate that I may need some support. Being a first time mum is challenging.

Nothing at all to do with violence..

Do you know what op, nearly 20 years ago, my HV was a discourteous, incompetent twit. I complained formally and removed my family/baby from their services. The whole shebang and wasted resources made me incandescent and I did it as a matter of principle as much as anything.

I had a professional husband, beautiful home, supportive family and wanted for nothing. She still made me feel inadequate and was judgemental.

However I had the luxury of security and stability to enable me to stick to my principles. With the best will in the world in your shoes, it may be advisable to nod and smile and not to overshare.

If you Google the Maternity Alliance their case studies indicate that the HV service has become sadly more opaque and more inclined to report for non compliance with its non statutory services.

The HV Service remains spectacularly unclear about what a family's obligations are in relation to its services.

@RosesAndHellebores why on Earth would you encourage OP to ‘nod and smile’ and withhold information?

Do any of you posters ever consider there’s more to the situation than the OP lets on and that you are encouraging her to go against authorities with very valid concerns?

It’s breathtakingly irresponsible. I work in this sort of area and 99% of the time there is much more to the situation than the participants would ever admit.

Sexual crime? Images? Why can’t you just say, it’s unrelated and has no bearing on whether he sees your son?

*if it’s

@Moonicorn if you read my post carefully you will see I am telling the op to comply with the HV service. I did not say she shoukd withhold information, I advised her not to overshare.

It's actually rather a worry if you work in this area that you have so significantly misinterpreted what I have said.

How does she know he's known to the police?

As others have said, cooperate and be fully honest with your HV. She’s there to help your son and you. Even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Being anxious about these questions could be a sign of PND/PNA, so this is also something the HV will keep an eye on and can support you with.

I would most definitely not listen to the posters who have suggested to opt out. You want a HV to be able to advocate for you positively incase there are any future concerns about your situation.

Story time. My daughter was going for her 16 week injections. My partner accidentally took her pram to work with him in the car; so I had to use a wrap to take her. I had her in a fleece onesie and I wore my maternity jacket and zipped her up inside it with me. She needed her nappy changed, so I stripped her down to her vest and wrapped her in my jacket while we waited to speed up the process.

The nurse doing her vaccinations was concerned as it appeared I’d come out with no pram, no blanket, and a baby only wearing a vest.

Anyway, about an hour after I got home, my health visitor called to ask if everything was okay. We had a good laugh about the situation, and because we already had a good relationship, there were no further concerns.

I also had brief involvement with social services when my partner had a mental health crisis; again the health visitor was instrumental in advocating for us all because we had been completely honest about his mental health since appointment 1 and she was able to say that he would be fully cooperative with his CPN, and therefore there was no need for social work to be involved unless we wanted them to (actually, we chose to keep them involved as they tried to source additional childcare hours for us)

No matter what horror stories you read online; these peoples aim is to keep families together and support this.

Of course it has influenced your family decisions. Few people want to have a child under these circumstances and those that do have done so because of their own troubled backgrounds.

You are deliberately refusing to say why your partner is involved with the police, which means you know it’s something inappropriate for your child.

You are not being put down or judged, you are being monitored because of your circumstances.

My guess is drugs, based on things OP has said.

It’s not worrying at all. You told her to ‘nod and smile’ and effectively withhold information. Don’t try to tell me I misunderstood, I didn’t.

Agreed. I've reported the post, disgusting to say not having a supportive family background means unsuitable environment for a baby .

I don’t have a supportive family either, I’m not sure it was a report-worthy comment though?

That’s not what I said at all. You can’t just make stuff up to suit your own narrative.

Health visitors have wider duties to the welfare of children these days and lots of screening questions to explore if you are a vulnerable family in need of extra support.

I think its worth clearing up a few myths. There is no guarantee children's services will be round if you don't carry on accessing thr service. There would have to be other concerns that meant your child needed support or protection. But it sounds like the support if done in the right way would be helpful. If your child needed support they need your consent.

Children's services can't secretly ask health visitors to do extra checks without you knowing. They can only make enquiries with your consent or if there are safeguarding concerns. Even when there are safeguarding concerns these can't be done without you being aware unless there are really exceptional circumstances which won't apply to you.

I hope you keep enjoying your new baby and are able to develop a relationship with the health visitor. Hopefully you will be able to ask them to explain your role more next time.

@Moonicorn thank you for your message. May I respectfully note that if you wish to adopt a dictatorial tone, you at least say please when asking demanding another does something.

Ah, but of course if you work in an hv related area, please wouldn't be a word that slips off your tongue. Compliance with the state is often best achieved through exercising good manners.