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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Health visitor

129 replies

ellie2323 · 11/03/2023 15:36

Hi,
so I am a first time mum, and my son was born a week ago. The health visitor has now arranged an appointment to see us at home early next week I believe on day 11.

The HV visited us before he was born. I found her intimidating and to be honest she made me feel uncomfortable.
I felt she was extremely judgey of my situation. Myself and sons dad are in a complicated relationship, we don’t live together or plan to live together permanently. He is known to the police or has been known to the police (not for anything DV related) and she was firing quite uncomfortable questions at me.

  • why don’t you plan to live together?
  • how do you pay your rent ?
  • many questions about his occupation.
  • Was the baby planned?
  • I mentioned that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother and she pressed me about this.
  • I also mentioned that my sons dad planned to move in to my house for a short time once baby was here to help out (which he has done). She questioned this, and my decision saying this could be difficult.

In all honesty I don’t know if I’m been sensitive because of hormones, I obviously know she has a job to do and a duty of care, but now the thought of her coming again is filling me with complete dread and anxiety.
I believe I can refuse the HV, but I also feel like this makes me look ‘guilty’ or like I have something to hide or be ashamed of which I have not.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into the situation, I don’t know. I was just after some impartial advice.

OP posts:
Dita73 · 11/03/2023 22:57

I have never ever heard anyone say “I really like my health visitor” or “my health visitor is really helpful”. They seem to be a waste of time

Moonicorn · 11/03/2023 22:59

Dita73 · 11/03/2023 22:57

I have never ever heard anyone say “I really like my health visitor” or “my health visitor is really helpful”. They seem to be a waste of time

I really liked mine, she helped me a great deal. You’re far more likely to hear complaints though because good news isn’t news.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 11/03/2023 23:00

Dita73 · 11/03/2023 22:57

I have never ever heard anyone say “I really like my health visitor” or “my health visitor is really helpful”. They seem to be a waste of time

I like mine. She’s really helpful.

Cinderellaspumpkin · 11/03/2023 23:02

RosesAndHellebores · 11/03/2023 22:26

Do you know what op, nearly 20 years ago, my HV was a discourteous, incompetent twit. I complained formally and removed my family/baby from their services. The whole shebang and wasted resources made me incandescent and I did it as a matter of principle as much as anything.

I had a professional husband, beautiful home, supportive family and wanted for nothing. She still made me feel inadequate and was judgemental.

However I had the luxury of security and stability to enable me to stick to my principles. With the best will in the world in your shoes, it may be advisable to nod and smile and not to overshare.

If you Google the Maternity Alliance their case studies indicate that the HV service has become sadly more opaque and more inclined to report for non compliance with its non statutory services.

The HV Service remains spectacularly unclear about what a family's obligations are in relation to its services.

Seen your posts on this subject elsewhere and completely agree. HV need to decide whether they are legally compulsory or not ; rather than reporting patients for not "engaging" with a non statutory service.
Well why on earth should the OP be obliged to "engage," ( HV/ SS buzzword for do what we say or we might have to raise spurious concerns against you) , and discuss the details of her difficult relationship with her mother with a stranger and retraumatize herself in the process?

A lot of these posts smack of, " sounds like you might be poor, so forget your feelings and boundaries, you're probably too stupid to understand that the middle class lady needs to come into your home and question your life history.' And lol at the HV could give you some support. What support do you actually think they'll give the op ?

Emmamoo89 · 11/03/2023 23:05

Dita73 · 11/03/2023 22:57

I have never ever heard anyone say “I really like my health visitor” or “my health visitor is really helpful”. They seem to be a waste of time

I really like mine. Really helpful 😊

KievsOutTheOven · 11/03/2023 23:13

Dita73 · 11/03/2023 22:57

I have never ever heard anyone say “I really like my health visitor” or “my health visitor is really helpful”. They seem to be a waste of time

I loved my first one who I had with my eldest. She was also (coincidentally) covering my actual HV when my son was born; and remembered quite a lot of random things (like the breed of our dog and that I’d changed my hair colour) - despite the fact we had a 6.5 year age gap and we hadn’t been in contact for many years.

My sons actual health visitor has been a far less positive experience; however as a second time mum I’ve got the confidence to stand up to what I don’t believe is correct (like when she told me to wean at 5 months because my son was only on the 25th centile for weight so “needed more calories” despite the fact he had actually been SGA through pregnancy and at birth, and was actually gaining centiles) - I explained that he wasn’t under weight; he was just below average and it isn’t safe to do BLW until baby can sit unaided or show an interest in food, neither of which my son did, and we believed BLW was what worked best for our family.

You don’t actually need to even pretend to do what they say.

Cinderellaspumpkin · 11/03/2023 23:25

Lavender14 · 11/03/2023 15:46

Hi op, congrats on the birth of your wee bundle! I hope I'm not overstepping but my understanding of hv is that they mainly come out before baby is born if there's a concern that you might have limited support or if there's been a concern flagged up somewhere down the line? Would that be right? Maybe it's just different where I am.

I think a lot depends on how she asked those questions, I understand wanting to identify what support you have around you because it can be really tough going at times and I understand her asking more about the relationship with your mum because sometimes birth can bring up a lot of emotions around childhood and parental relationships that didn't bother you before. In terms of rent and his job etc is she thinking about your entitlements and checking you'll get everything you should in terms of benefits and child benefit etc. If things are very complicated between you and your ds dad maybe she was just checking what the plans were to be sure you'd thought it all through before you came home with a tiny baby and a boat load of hormones incase he decided to be difficult towards you. So she was maybe trying to gauge how supportive he'd actually be. So in that sense I understand why she's asked the questions, it's maybe just that she's asked them a bit less tactfully than she should have. Hv can be really useful if you don't like this one you could request another so you're still getting the service but from someone you click with a bit better. I love my hv she's been very helpful and supportive but I know friends who had really off-putting experiences so it does depend on who you get.

The universal service says that every pregnant woman in England, ( including those who have had children before), should receive an antenatal health visitor visit. Please don't falsely alarm the op by saying by saying receiving an antenatal visit means she's been flagged for anything. Whilst I'd certainly agree they can be intrusive and unecessary, the universal health program states all pregnant women, regardless of soical circumstance should be given an antenatal HV visit. Having an antenatal visit is standard as of the universal program.

Dita73 · 11/03/2023 23:45

Glad to hear that some have had positive experiences. Hopefully things are better now as my experiences were many years ago. I really am very old!

wanttokickoffbutcant · 12/03/2023 00:08

I saw my HV once I think?

Lavender14 · 12/03/2023 00:08

Cinderellaspumpkin · 11/03/2023 23:25

The universal service says that every pregnant woman in England, ( including those who have had children before), should receive an antenatal health visitor visit. Please don't falsely alarm the op by saying by saying receiving an antenatal visit means she's been flagged for anything. Whilst I'd certainly agree they can be intrusive and unecessary, the universal health program states all pregnant women, regardless of soical circumstance should be given an antenatal HV visit. Having an antenatal visit is standard as of the universal program.

Show quote history

@Cinderellaspumpkin I'm not in England which is why I said it might be different where I am. We are only in touch with HV if it's a family that need extra support otherwise it's once you've been discharged by community midwifes at 4wks pp.

Original poster
ellie2323 · 12/03/2023 06:02

Moonicorn · 11/03/2023 22:32

Sexual crime? Images? Why can’t you just say, it’s unrelated and has no bearing on whether he sees your son?

Show quote history

Again absolutely nothing like that. The reason I haven’t posted it is because regardless of what I said you will ‘attack me’ or judge my ability to parent, and this is an online forum. Obviously the HV and other relevant authorities know, so nothing can be withheld.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie2323 · 12/03/2023 06:10

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 11/03/2023 22:43

Of course it has influenced your family decisions. Few people want to have a child under these circumstances and those that do have done so because of their own troubled backgrounds.

You are deliberately refusing to say why your partner is involved with the police, which means you know it’s something inappropriate for your child.

You are not being put down or judged, you are being monitored because of your circumstances.

Show quote history

Of course it has influenced your family decisions. Few people want to have a child under these circumstances and those that do have done so because of their own troubled backgrounds.

wow this is an extremely narrow minded comment. I’m not sure that having a difficult relationship with my mother as an adult warrants a ‘troubled background’

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 12/03/2023 06:19

You don’t have to justify your life to anyone, to us or the HV. They are often awful. The questions may be necessary to make sure you and Bub are going to be safe. But they can be a little more discreet and kind. I would just request someone else. And don’t answer questions you don’t want to. All the best xx

Toddlerteaplease · 12/03/2023 06:22

I don't think any of those questions are particularly unreasonable. If dad has a criminal record. (Or mum) it's going to be a red flag. So they need to do some digging.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/03/2023 06:23

A huge amount of heath visiting involves safeguarding.

NumberTheory · 12/03/2023 06:23

The HV has a duty of care for the baby, but also to you. Her role is to support you, not knock your confidence and make you jump through hoops to please her. But if she is worried and you refuse to engage with her, she’ll have to pass her concerns on to Social Services.

So it’s a bit of a balancing act. If you’re with a man whose background you think would be disapproved of, then SS might have reason to be involved (but maybe not - AIBU is notoriously antagonistic about all sorts of things that are of little concern in the real world). But the other things you mention, not so much.

Would you be up to confronting her about her attitude towards you? Tell her you would welcome support and help but you aren’t prepared to invite someone into your home who is going to be rude, curt or judgmental, so she can either change her attitude and approach, or not bother coming round?

Then you take your chances with SS. If there are real concerns, their involvement would probably, ultimately, be good for you and DC and you would at least, get a clear idea of what the issues are and what you need to do to put them right. This isn’t an easy path - they are likely to be a lot more demanding than the HV and it will be higher stakes. But at least it’s up front.

georgarina · 12/03/2023 06:43

Sounds v intrusive and beyond the remit of a HV. If you're worried about opting out could you ask for a different one?

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 12/03/2023 06:59

As others have said, it is just safeguarding. And I suspect the thing the father is ‘known to the police’ for us highly relevant, especially if it’s for something like drugs or gang-related.

Just keep doing your best, engage with the HV, find out what support is available to you, and maybe keep away from the father. He’s the problem here.

Sceptre86 · 12/03/2023 07:03

Hv always get a bad rep on here. I've had 3 and all have been lovely, very much present the facts as they know them and leaving it to me. I have a safeguarding element to my job and I appreciate that they do to. I also get that not everyone comes from a 'stable' family, that doesn't mean you won't be a great parent but there is research to show that parents from that kind of background often need more support. I think that makes sense as in the first instance most people would reach out to their family for help and if you don't have that it can make it harder. So yes they will have questions. it isn't supposed to come across as judgey but it might of you are defensive and obviously hormonal. No-one likes to have their judgement questioned but you have had a baby with someone known to the police so that will trigger certain flags.

To you it might well seem like having him move in for a while to help would be a wise decision but it takes time for people to learn to live together. To get used to each others annoying habits and in my opinion at least when you are tired and vulnerable after having a baby is not the best time. He might well be great help or he could be a hindrance.

Hvs can be a really good source of info if baby goes on to not sleep well or has colic, reflux etc They can advise on feeding, meeting milestones and overall be a general support. If you'd rather she didn't comment on your partner or that part of the equation then you can be firm and say that. Don't let this add stress to what should be a special time for you.

Congratulations on your baby.

LadyGAgain · 12/03/2023 07:24

After my interaction with the HV after the birth of our 1st I decided when the 2nd was born that I would not do it again. She did her milestone checks only and I kept any interaction to a minimum.
They were utterly useless, poorly informed and not an experience I wanted to repeat again.

RampantIvy · 12/03/2023 07:25

Dita73 · 11/03/2023 22:57

I have never ever heard anyone say “I really like my health visitor” or “my health visitor is really helpful”. They seem to be a waste of time

My health visitor was really helpful and supportive.

Mumsnetters hate health visitors because they are all confident first time mothers.

I wasn't. DD was very vulnerable health wise. She had a tracheostomy when she was a few weeks old. My HV had been an ICU nurse before becoming a HV, and had looked after patients who had a tracheostomy.

She was so incredibly helpful and gave me loads of brilliant advice and support, and I was very grateful that she would come to my house when I was unable to take DD to baby clinic.

@ellie2323 ignore the unhelpful advice that all HVs are rubbish. It sounds like the way the questions were asked could have been better, but be open minded about any help that is available.

Timeturnerplease · 12/03/2023 07:26

Most of a HV’s job nowadays is safeguarding, so she’s just doing her job. If you’ve nothing to hide, it’s only half an hour of your life to show that your baby is well cared for.

londonrach · 12/03/2023 07:30

I found the same with hv...I'm married, own house etc. It's optional...I left after comments.

90yomakeuproom · 12/03/2023 07:34

Jadviga · 11/03/2023 15:59

Those questions sound really nosy. She isn't social services, her purview is health. If baby and mom are healthy, that's all she needs to know (unless obviously they are living in absolute squalor but that doesn't seem to be the case).

I'd be tempted to opt out but I've heard that it gets flagged if you do. So I'd either request another one, or politely redirect her nosiness.

"How long is baby's dad staying ? What's his job ? Are you sure this baby was planned ?"

"Actually I'd rather we focus on my baby's health. Has she gained enough weight ?"

Health visitors are a huge excuse to get into people's homes. That is their job to assess the living situation of the baby. They refer to SS. Would be very surprised if OP hadn't already been referred

WandaWonder · 12/03/2023 07:41

I presume they are ensuring your baby is safe and cared for that is positive thing

It is about your baby