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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Health visitor

129 replies

ellie2323 · 11/03/2023 15:36

Hi,
so I am a first time mum, and my son was born a week ago. The health visitor has now arranged an appointment to see us at home early next week I believe on day 11.

The HV visited us before he was born. I found her intimidating and to be honest she made me feel uncomfortable.
I felt she was extremely judgey of my situation. Myself and sons dad are in a complicated relationship, we don’t live together or plan to live together permanently. He is known to the police or has been known to the police (not for anything DV related) and she was firing quite uncomfortable questions at me.

  • why don’t you plan to live together?
  • how do you pay your rent ?
  • many questions about his occupation.
  • Was the baby planned?
  • I mentioned that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother and she pressed me about this.
  • I also mentioned that my sons dad planned to move in to my house for a short time once baby was here to help out (which he has done). She questioned this, and my decision saying this could be difficult.

In all honesty I don’t know if I’m been sensitive because of hormones, I obviously know she has a job to do and a duty of care, but now the thought of her coming again is filling me with complete dread and anxiety.
I believe I can refuse the HV, but I also feel like this makes me look ‘guilty’ or like I have something to hide or be ashamed of which I have not.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into the situation, I don’t know. I was just after some impartial advice.

OP posts:
Cinderellaspumpkin · 12/03/2023 07:41

90yomakeuproom · 12/03/2023 07:34

Health visitors are a huge excuse to get into people's homes. That is their job to assess the living situation of the baby. They refer to SS. Would be very surprised if OP hadn't already been referred

Show quote history

Well I would be surprised if the OP had already been reported to SS, as professionals ( e.g midwives, GP and health visitors) would be professionally bound/ expected to tell a parent they had reported to SS and why.
If the HV had reported OP to SS after her antenatal visit, she would have been legally obligated to tell her .

Magenta82 · 12/03/2023 07:42

Cinderellaspumpkin · 11/03/2023 23:25

The universal service says that every pregnant woman in England, ( including those who have had children before), should receive an antenatal health visitor visit. Please don't falsely alarm the op by saying by saying receiving an antenatal visit means she's been flagged for anything. Whilst I'd certainly agree they can be intrusive and unecessary, the universal health program states all pregnant women, regardless of soical circumstance should be given an antenatal HV visit. Having an antenatal visit is standard as of the universal program.

Show quote history

I didn't meet one until after I was home with my baby. My partner met one first when she turned up while I was in hospital. I never met the same one twice and they never did or said anything useful or helpful. Just worried me unnecessary.
If I have another I will buy some scales myself and opt out of the service.

Brieandcamembert · 12/03/2023 07:51

A lot of parents minimise the impact that a "complicated relationship" has on their child. Her job is to make sure the baby and you are safe happy cared for and thriving. It's right that she probes and judges to protect the children that need it. That might not be your baby but it might be the next one she asks the question of.

Babooshka1990 · 12/03/2023 07:55

Fox you’re wrong. I have a ‘troubled background’ too and don’t have a relationship with my mother now. I’ve now got a good job and lovely happy home, but according to you I should ld not have had a baby because of my ‘unsuitable background’?

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 12/03/2023 07:55

Babooshka1990 · 12/03/2023 07:55

Fox you’re wrong. I have a ‘troubled background’ too and don’t have a relationship with my mother now. I’ve now got a good job and lovely happy home, but according to you I should ld not have had a baby because of my ‘unsuitable background’?

That’s not even remotely close to what I said.

Cinderellaspumpkin · 12/03/2023 07:59

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 12/03/2023 07:55

That’s not even remotely close to what I said.

Show quote history

That is literally what you said...

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 12/03/2023 08:02

Cinderellaspumpkin · 12/03/2023 07:59

That is literally what you said...

Show quote history

Where? Quote me.

NerrSnerr · 12/03/2023 08:08

As harsh as it sounds you just need to read some NSPCC serious case reviews. It's very telling that the OP won't say why he's known to the police because if it was criminal damage as a 16 year old or driving without insurance or something she would have said.

The authorities are trying to ensure the baby is safe. A health visitor is a good place to start with this.

Original poster
ellie2323 · 12/03/2023 08:11

well to my knowledge this is not the case. I have only spoken with midwife and HV no contact from SS.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 12/03/2023 08:11

We could debate the rights and wrongs of HV's until the cows come home. However, let's not forget the op @ellie2323 is a very new mother, gave birth less than a week ago and has worries about "the system".

I think everyone on the thread is a mother and has navigated the fourth trimester. Perhaps the rest of the thread could focus on the OP and hiw she is with tips for this stage. I certainly remember needing help for the first week at home because all the baby did was feed and I became ill with mastitis.

So OP, how are these first days going? Is the baby feeding well? Sleeping? Are you coping with getting washed and dressed? Managing to eat properly, taking plenty of fluids. Are the midwives still coming in and are you recovering well from the birth. I hope your partner is being helpful and supportive.

Cinderellaspumpkin · 12/03/2023 08:11

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 12/03/2023 08:02

Where? Quote me.

Show quote history

Well we can't quote you can we,as MNHQ have deleted the post for being abusive...which would suggest what you said wasn't very nice...

Cinderellaspumpkin · 12/03/2023 08:12

RosesAndHellebores · 12/03/2023 08:11

We could debate the rights and wrongs of HV's until the cows come home. However, let's not forget the op @ellie2323 is a very new mother, gave birth less than a week ago and has worries about "the system".

I think everyone on the thread is a mother and has navigated the fourth trimester. Perhaps the rest of the thread could focus on the OP and hiw she is with tips for this stage. I certainly remember needing help for the first week at home because all the baby did was feed and I became ill with mastitis.

So OP, how are these first days going? Is the baby feeding well? Sleeping? Are you coping with getting washed and dressed? Managing to eat properly, taking plenty of fluids. Are the midwives still coming in and are you recovering well from the birth. I hope your partner is being helpful and supportive.

Excellent post.

Cinderellaspumpkin · 12/03/2023 08:18

ellie2323 · 12/03/2023 08:11

well to my knowledge this is not the case. I have only spoken with midwife and HV no contact from SS.

OP if either your midwife, GP or health visitor had reported you to SS they would have been legally obliged to tell you. If they've not told you you've been reported, then you won't have been , so please don't let this worry you. Professionals are not allowed to make secret/ anonymous SS reports.

Original poster
ellie2323 · 12/03/2023 08:19

I feel like it’s not ‘knowing’ as I previously stated there are no convictions, and obviously HV is fully aware of the situation. I don’t want to disclose mainly due to the comments, and getting further judged. The situation does not refer to DV.
My situation is far from the ‘ideal’ but it is the situation I am in, and I am very blessed to have a child. I intend to do the best for the my child, and if that did mean to cooperate with SS then so be it- BUT you are making presumptions.

OP posts:
FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 12/03/2023 08:33

Cinderellaspumpkin · 12/03/2023 08:11

Well we can't quote you can we,as MNHQ have deleted the post for being abusive...which would suggest what you said wasn't very nice...

Show quote history

Oh that’s okay, I took a screenshot when one poster started whinging. It wasn’t abusive at all.

So basically, you didn’t even see it and are now pretending I said something I didn’t?

What I said was that OP does not have a healthy family background, and considering this has influenced her adult decisions and she has now had a baby with a man involved with the police, she needs the extra support so of course they’ll probe.

I never said anything about people with trouble backgrounds not having kids.

Mavis93 · 12/03/2023 08:34

Regardless of the the convictions there still can be implications on children like it it was for a fight or drugs and people come to your home relating to your partner where the baby lives. Most of HV job is now unfortunately safeguarding and one of the only professionals that go into homes and see children in early days they can be excellent at picking up early warnings. You identified some areas of concern, these may not be an issue for you but they have met you once for probably an hour so need to ensure they continue not to be a concern. No one has the right to judge you but they have a duty to safeguard you and your newborn son.
even things such as no relationship with your mother can be warnings as while this is best for you and probably a hard decision becoming a parent it’s natural to look back at our childhood and parents which may have implications on your mental health or bond with baby as there was clearly some issues hence why they explore this.
enjoy your baby and treat her visit like any other day and don’t get stressed by it she is asking hard questions for the right reasons and if everything is going well she will see that.

Original poster
ellie2323 · 12/03/2023 08:35

Thankyou. I appreciate this post.

The first few days were tough, and maybe overwhelming. I didn’t know the meaning of the word tired until then. I had stitches and was sore, but now I am feeling better in myself. Washing, dressing, eating- enjoying the time with him whilst he is so small. Preparing for a family visit today.
He sleeps for maybe 2-3 hours. He is feeding well so I am thankful for that.
I am trying to get some rest while he is sleeping which is sometimes easier said than done, but I am really enjoying the experience.

The HV is coming on Tuesday, so I am going to follow advice and have a positive attitude towards this, make sure I have some questions for the HV and accept the help I can get.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie2323 · 12/03/2023 08:47

Well you said I didn’t have an ‘appropriate healthy stable family background’
and ‘our backgrounds influence our choices in later life and those with unstable backgrounds are more likely to a) make poorer choices and b) be unable to create a secure environment for their child(ren).’

This would to me insinuate that you feel that anyone not lucky enough to have had a ‘stable background’ is more likely to make poor choices and be unable to create a secure environment for their children.

This is definitely not the case..

OP posts:
FourBoysAndAFeline · 12/03/2023 08:55

OP, all the questions she asked are entirely normal, it's to gauge your situation, your upbringing, your safety etc etc.

Except there's a certain way of asking the questions that really should not make the mother anxious or uncomfortable.
Some HV's are better at this than others.

You are well within your right to ask for a different HV.

RampantIvy · 12/03/2023 09:01

Except there's a certain way of asking the questions that really should not make the mother anxious or uncomfortable.
Some HV's are better at this than others.

I agree. I think some HVs need to improve their communication skills.

@ellie2323 congratulations on your new baby. Don't be afraid to accept help if it is offered Flowers

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 12/03/2023 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 12/03/2023 09:07

OP, my partner hadn't moved in with me yet when our first child was born. The health visitor asked about the living situation to provide support. As he wasn't here every day she put us on the medium level. I think we had one extra visit just to check I was doing ok and a questionnaire to pick up,any hint of post natal depression. After that they just said to contact them if I needed anything.

Mammma91 · 12/03/2023 09:11

I found my first health visitor intimidating and the same for a few others after her, but now I have a lovely one. She only gets in touch if I do. I think I struck lucky.

Original poster
ellie2323 · 12/03/2023 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Can I ask what poor choice I have made in your opinion?

OP posts:
bluesofacushion · 12/03/2023 09:29

TheSnowyOwl · 11/03/2023 20:05

The questions are fairly standard but some HVs are horrible. I would call up and say you want a different HV.

I agree with this, just ask for a different one. If the new one is awful too then opt out and say you'll get in touch if you need anything .