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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DNephew should support baby

134 replies

CoffeeandCakeNow · 11/03/2023 10:41

Hi NC as outing.
My DH DB and his wife have just told DH that their DS (19 a couple of months ago) has told them he has a baby that's a few months old! He knew from early on in the pregnancy but insisted he wanted a dna test before getting involved as they weren't together. He didn't tell his DP until a few weeks ago. The babies mum went through pregnancy and gave birth with no support. Baby born and dna test done. It is DN's. He then told her he never wanted a baby and didn't want to be involved or to pay. She said fine, I'll have to do it on my own then but I do need some money for a cot - he gave her some not all. SIL told him to put some money in a bank account so if CMS come knocking he can prove he was willing to support. He has said £100 A YEAR!! Not even going to the baby or her mum. Then SIL got a document drawn up to say if she changes her mind about child maintenance in the future she has no right to ask him. The babies mum has rightly refused to sign it and has cut all contact. DN has a good full time job and lives at home with few outgoings.
Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what. I just can't get on board with this and DH not happy but keeping quiet.

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 11/03/2023 10:46

He's a nasty cunt , being enabled by his awful parents.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

AllOfThemWitches · 11/03/2023 10:47

He sounds a right little scrote, maybe his baby is better off.

Marchforward · 11/03/2023 10:51

I hope the mother of the baby goes straight to CMS. In some ways I am more understanding of a 19 year old struggling to adapt to a new situation but what the fuck are his parents doing in not telling him to buck up his ideas and wanting to be there for their grandchild.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 10:52

Well, you and DH telling him what you think he should do isn’t going to make him actually do it. Ultimately you’ve got to decide whether voicing your disapproval is worth any resulting fallout.

A contract wouldn’t have been enforceable, so it doesn’t matter whether she signed it or not. Child maintenance, however, isn’t backdated, so he won’t be presented with a bill of monies owed in future if she does decide to claim.

Singularity82 · 11/03/2023 10:54

He sounds vile and so do his parents. I am 100% with you. I would be disgusted if this were my nephew and I wouldn’t hold back in telling them.

AllOfThemWitches · 11/03/2023 10:54

The type of people to 'draw up documents' in these situations are, in my experience, not the type of people you want your children involved with.

jeaux90 · 11/03/2023 10:54

I'd be disgusted with them all.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 11/03/2023 10:55

I hope the mother goes to the CMS

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 11/03/2023 10:56

I wouldn't worry sounds like the baby is better off without them!

Keeween · 11/03/2023 10:57

What a hideous family, how very disappointing that your husband has such odious family members. I expect baby and baby’s mum will be better off without this horrible little man, but she absolutely should go for child maintenance.

Blueberrywitch · 11/03/2023 10:57

I would tell everyone in the family exactly what you think. A campaign of shame might be the only way to get him to do the right thing.

Swiftswatch · 11/03/2023 10:57

Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what.

Well if the family are “proud” that he won’t support the child he created I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I wonder why the girl hasn’t chased CM yet. Hopefully she has someone to advise her.

Penguinsaregreat · 11/03/2023 10:59

Wow he sounds like a nasty bastard and his parents not much better.
If he doesn’t want to father a child then here’s the thing: stop having unprotected sex with randomers.

pilates · 11/03/2023 11:00

I would be disgusted and upset if that was my son. Just awful. He doesn’t have to have a relationship with the mother but he does need to support his son. I would find it hard to keep quiet too 😞

Mindymomo · 11/03/2023 11:03

My niece got pregnant, she and bf were both 18. He didn’t want anything to do with baby and my niece lived with parents so didn’t want anything from him and said she would rather that than have to let him see the baby. I would certainly be telling family what I think, like you I would be disgusted at this, but maybe there’s more background story going on.

Original poster
CoffeeandCakeNow · 11/03/2023 11:10

DN has sold it to everyone that she just wanted a baby so it's now up to her to deal with that. He chose to have unprotected sex but because she wanted a baby and he doesn't he thinks he has no responsibilities.
I really hope she goes to CMS. If their daughter got pregnant and the dad wasn't stepping up I'm sure their opinion would be very different! I was done when I heard about the document.
DN has always been entitled and spoiled but this is a new low even for his parents that have allowed certain behaviours

OP posts:
MintJulia · 11/03/2023 11:10

Your DH's nephew is a spoilt thoughtless brat supported by bigoted and nasty-minded parents. I hope your DH has disowned his loathsome family. And I hope the mum goes the the CMS as soon as possible. She will need support.

If my son did that, he would no longer be welcome in my house.

knittingaddict · 11/03/2023 11:11

AllOfThemWitches · 11/03/2023 10:54

The type of people to 'draw up documents' in these situations are, in my experience, not the type of people you want your children involved with.

Exactly. They are also a bit dumb because that document wouldn't have been worth the paper it was written on. So nasty and stupid (or they thought the mother of the baby was stupid).

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 11/03/2023 11:12

Swiftswatch · 11/03/2023 10:57

Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what.

Well if the family are “proud” that he won’t support the child he created I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I wonder why the girl hasn’t chased CM yet. Hopefully she has someone to advise her.

Probably because she wants no ties to this kind of abusive twats and/or fears they'll demand rights and visitation just out of spite.

Changechangechanging · 11/03/2023 11:12

Yep. This is a societal attitude that needs breaking. The keeping quiet is, in my opinion, just as bad as openly supporting it. I would say my piece and I would cut ties with the family.

Letstaketotheskies · 11/03/2023 11:13

I’m pretty sure he’s legally responsible for child maintenance no matter what bullshit documents his parents try to coerce the mother into signing. He can’t be forced to have any kind of relationship with the child.

Sunflowergirl1 · 11/03/2023 11:15

I would be furious with him but also the dreadful parents. So not only is their delightful son abandoning his child, so are it's grandparents. I can see why the mother has cut all contact.

At least you and DH have some morals

gazpachosoupday · 11/03/2023 11:20

The issue is not going to be if cms come knocking, its in 18/20/30 years time an adult comes knocking wanting answers

CrotchetyQuaver · 11/03/2023 11:20

I would be extremely disappointed if that was my son and would expect him to face up to his responsibilities by paying child support as an absolute minimum.

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 11/03/2023 11:21

Wherever there's a deadbeat dad there's usually a deadbeat grandparent backing him up, until a new partner comes along and he also victimises himself to her.

Hope the mum gets every penny she can possibly squeeze out of him (which won't be anywhere near enough, let's face it).