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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DNephew should support baby

134 replies

CoffeeandCakeNow · 11/03/2023 10:41

Hi NC as outing.
My DH DB and his wife have just told DH that their DS (19 a couple of months ago) has told them he has a baby that's a few months old! He knew from early on in the pregnancy but insisted he wanted a dna test before getting involved as they weren't together. He didn't tell his DP until a few weeks ago. The babies mum went through pregnancy and gave birth with no support. Baby born and dna test done. It is DN's. He then told her he never wanted a baby and didn't want to be involved or to pay. She said fine, I'll have to do it on my own then but I do need some money for a cot - he gave her some not all. SIL told him to put some money in a bank account so if CMS come knocking he can prove he was willing to support. He has said £100 A YEAR!! Not even going to the baby or her mum. Then SIL got a document drawn up to say if she changes her mind about child maintenance in the future she has no right to ask him. The babies mum has rightly refused to sign it and has cut all contact. DN has a good full time job and lives at home with few outgoings.
Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what. I just can't get on board with this and DH not happy but keeping quiet.

OP posts:

MNbingo · 11/03/2023 21:04

Tough, but she had the chance to abort, surely?

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 21:04

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2023 20:58

Poor boy? If he didn’t want to be a father, he could have used a condom or not had sex with her. He cannot claim full ownership of his sperm once it leaves his body. Basic biology.

Show quote history

She can avoid it too. Why he has responsibility and she doesn't? What does she has a choice and he hasn't?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 11/03/2023 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 21:07

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 11/03/2023 21:03

What about men who don’t use condoms?

There are women's condoms too. Or only men are responsible? I would like to see if your 19 yo is hit with a 20-year debt by a woman he hardly knows for something she could have fixed.

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

If it is not your opinion is incel. Nice.

BadNomad · 11/03/2023 21:09

Eh? Not choosing to have a termination is not the same as choosing to have a baby. The default outcome of pregnancy is a child.

That's like saying someone is choosing to have a big nose because they don't want to go through a medical procedure to make it smaller.

Don't want to be a father? Don't make a baby.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 11/03/2023 21:10

Struck a nerve their didn’t I?

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 21:10

DelphiniumBlue · 11/03/2023 20:55

Tbh, it doesn't sound like the girl necessarily did want to have a baby, more like she found herself pregnant and didn't want to terminate.
He is just putting words into her mouth for his own benefit.
If he didn't want a baby he could have used contraception, and. he is just as responsible as the girl is for the baby.
I'm really shocked to read that some people think that he should have the right to walk away.
He sounds cold and heartless, and his parents are no better.
I hope OP has said what she thinks to her family, and shames him into paying up at the very least. I don't think I could keep on good terms with people that behaved like this, who would leave a teenage girl and their own child/grandchild without proper support.
Why is DH keeping quiet,OP? It is everyone's business, DN needs to understand that his behaviour is shameful. If DH doesn't comment, he is condoning it.

I don’t think anyone should be compelled to raise a child they don’t want to. Women have more choices, rightly, because of biology, and the nephew can’t place the baby for adoption if the mother wants to raise it. While he should pay, I don’t think it’s wrong to not be active parent beyond that.

I doubt the DH voicing his opinion is going to do anything but alienate him from a family that has already stated their support for the nephew. That may or may not be desirable for him, but that’s for OP and her DH to decide.

Original poster

CoffeeandCakeNow · 11/03/2023 21:13

Thanks for all the replies. We've been round this afternoon. DN wasn't there. They said that they're all just trying not to think about it and that DN doesn't talk about it. I said the mum doesn't have that option bringing a child up on her own! They said she said she doesn't want anything from DN. I said so if she came to them in future saying she can't afford to bring baby up on her own are they happy that DGC is hungry and cold as long as DN doesn't have to pay or be responsible?! They said they wish they hadn't brought it up. DH said he doesn't think he'd be proud in their situation and they said they are proud of DN and who is is but not of the situation.
I've tried to find the mum on fb but as she's blocked DN it's been difficult. If I find out details I will leave supplies on her doorstep anonymously

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2023 21:14

'She could have fixed' @taxpayer1

Jesus Christ, are you for real?!? It's hardly an easy decision is it? Certainly no where near as easy a decision as putting a condom on. Have some compassion.

Holly60 · 11/03/2023 22:19

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2023 21:14

'She could have fixed' @taxpayer1

Jesus Christ, are you for real?!? It's hardly an easy decision is it? Certainly no where near as easy a decision as putting a condom on. Have some compassion.

I totally agree that it is an incredibly tough decision. It would be almost an impossible one for me personally, I believe.

However this is why women who know that they wouldn't consider an abortion need to be very careful about deciding to enter into sexual relationships, knowing that accidents happen and babies conceived as a result.

I wonder how clear this young lady was about her stance on abortion with her potential sexual partner. I wonder if, has she said to him very clearly that she would under no circumstances consider an abortion or adoption if she did accidentally become pregnant, he would still have entered into a sexual relationship with her.

If she did clearly tell him this before hand and he did enter into a sexual relationship, knowing that she wouldn't consider these things then of course he must support the baby.

These are conversations that young people need to have with each other, in order to avoid this exact situation.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 11/03/2023 22:36

Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what

Wow. They are scum.

gkhg · 11/03/2023 22:41

What a vile human being. I know it's common, but it leaves me speechless everytime.

RobertaFirmino · 11/03/2023 22:51

Responsibility lies with both parents. Yes, the boy should have used a condom. Why didn't he? Did he not think? Did his GF tell him she was using contraception correctly and he trusted her? She's just as daft. Why wasn't she using contraception? If it was because she wanted a baby, why didn't she discuss this with the BF? She must have been very naive and stupid to believe that he would only ever be overjoyed by a pregnancy.

crew2022 · 11/03/2023 23:12

A 19 year old should have guidance from his family to do the right thing. They are advising he so the selfish thing with no thought for the baby or the mum. And drawing up a legal agreement is really poor behaviour and very selfish. I'd find it hard to speak to them again.

Pencilsaremylife · 11/03/2023 23:37

I can say I’m proud of my son and how he dealt with the situation when his girlfriend got pregnant when he was only 16 yrs old, his daughter was born when he was 17. Obviously we would have preferred it not to have happened when they were both so young, but him not being involved was never an option we would have supported. His girlfriend broke off their relationship when their daughter was 6 months old. His daughter is now 6 years old and he has always paid CMS ( not much when he was on an apprentice wage of course) and 6 yrs later still has his daughter EOW and extra during the holidays. We see our granddaughter regularly on my sons time with her, but will also have her to help her mum out she only has to ask.
Your family members are a disgrace.

mathanxiety · 12/03/2023 00:55

Your nephew is a nasty piece of work, and so are his parents. Pondscum is a higher form of life than any of them.

I hope this young woman makes a claim for support.

mathanxiety · 12/03/2023 00:57

I would tell the lot of them never to darken my door again.

You and your H would be well shot of them.

Northernsouloldies · 12/03/2023 02:31

How could any mum be proud of her son abstaining from his responsibility and the family backing that up.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/03/2023 02:56

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 20:59

Women that make a conscious decision not to terminate should be solely responsible for the financial responsibility of a child.

Utter bollocks.

If a man doesn't want to run the risk of pregnancy he abstains or gets a vasectomy.

Its called taking responsibility for your own actions.

Ponderingwindow · 12/03/2023 02:58

if I were his parent I wouldn’t be tolerating his choices under my roof. I would continue to support my child while he continued to pursue his education, but I expect him to simultaneously use every bit of remaining energy to find a way to care for his own child. His carefree days would be over. He has to finish his education while simultaneously being a parent. If he wouldn’t do that, he would be free to move out, pay his own way, and I can direct the resources I was using on him to help support the grandchild.

Thepossibility · 12/03/2023 03:09

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 21:04

She can avoid it too. Why he has responsibility and she doesn't? What does she has a choice and he hasn't?

Show quote history

He had a choice to put a condom on.
He chose not to.
He chose to have sex, he wasn't raped.
Now there are consequences.
He's not an innocent bystander here.
He made a seriously wrong decision.
He doesn't get to say he doesn't want to pay. He made a baby.

Motherofalittledragon · 12/03/2023 03:44

What exactly has he done for his family to be proud of, after wanting to give a hundred pound a years if I were his parents proud would not be my choice of words. Your SIL doesn't sound much better, unpleasant people all round.

MelchiorsMistress · 12/03/2023 07:39

Thepossibility · 12/03/2023 03:09

Show quote history

The girl in this situation has the right to say she doesn’t want to pay. She made exactly the same mistake he did and if she has the right to choose not to be a parent then he is entitled to do the same.

He’s a 19 year old kid who doesn’t deserve to have his entire family stop being proud and supportive of him just because he made the same mistake that millions of others have made.

taxpayer1 · 12/03/2023 08:11

mathanxiety · 12/03/2023 00:55

Your nephew is a nasty piece of work, and so are his parents. Pondscum is a higher form of life than any of them.

I hope this young woman makes a claim for support.

A 19 yo is almost a child. He probably doesn't know what he wants for his life. He will now have to support a child he didn't want to for 20 years. While the innocent girl could have decided to terminate the pregnancy at any time. She has all the rights. He has none.

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