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Original poster

DNephew should support baby

134 replies

CoffeeandCakeNow · 11/03/2023 10:41

Hi NC as outing.
My DH DB and his wife have just told DH that their DS (19 a couple of months ago) has told them he has a baby that's a few months old! He knew from early on in the pregnancy but insisted he wanted a dna test before getting involved as they weren't together. He didn't tell his DP until a few weeks ago. The babies mum went through pregnancy and gave birth with no support. Baby born and dna test done. It is DN's. He then told her he never wanted a baby and didn't want to be involved or to pay. She said fine, I'll have to do it on my own then but I do need some money for a cot - he gave her some not all. SIL told him to put some money in a bank account so if CMS come knocking he can prove he was willing to support. He has said £100 A YEAR!! Not even going to the baby or her mum. Then SIL got a document drawn up to say if she changes her mind about child maintenance in the future she has no right to ask him. The babies mum has rightly refused to sign it and has cut all contact. DN has a good full time job and lives at home with few outgoings.
Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what. I just can't get on board with this and DH not happy but keeping quiet.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2023 11:30

How disgusting. How anyone can support this decision is beyond me. I hope the young woman goes to CMS for child support.

Justalittlebitduckling · 11/03/2023 11:35

What on earth have they got to be proud of?

MimiSunshine · 11/03/2023 11:38

I wouldn’t be keeping quiet about my feelings for fear of a fall out. If they kick off at you for calmly staying your feelings at the behaviour it’s only because they feel ashamed deep down and don’t like the mirror you are holding up to them.

id also try to reach out to the baby’s mum, offer to buy a practical gift for the baby just as you would if your nephew was involved.

funinthesun19 · 11/03/2023 11:40

Wow. What a nasty bunch they are! Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?

He’s bad enough on his own. But his parents are what, 40-50+ years old? Their behaviour is immature and shameful for their age. They should be talking sense in to him about doing the right thing for his child, not facilitating him in being a dead beat by drawing up documents and telling him how proud they are of him. As someone else said, wherever there is a dead beat dad there is usually a deadbeat parent backing them up.

Conkersinautumn · 11/03/2023 11:43

Now there's a child best off without the (bulk of) the father's side of the family!

Rewis · 11/03/2023 11:49

don't think your husband should keep quiet. If my brother would come to me and tell how proud he is for his son not taking any responsibility, I'd most certainly tell him that they are twats. He can't be forced to be involved with the child (and probably better is he isn't). But he should pay the court ordered child maintenance at minimum and preferable then some.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/03/2023 11:54

I would not be keeping quiet. I would be telling them clearly what I think, including the fact he chose to have unprotected sex

I would also ask the question that if this was their daughter and the father of the child she was carrying acted in the same way would that be acceptable?

I really hope the girl has got CMS involved.

LakeTiticaca · 11/03/2023 11:58

Proud of him abandoning his own child?
In the words of good old Jeremy Kyle "Stick something on the end of it!!)

3peassuit · 11/03/2023 12:00

He is certainly nothing to be proud of. Awful man with horrible enablers for parents. If I was his mother I would do all in my power to have a relationship with my grandchild and its mother. I would also expect my son to support his child financially and emotionally.

GoodChat · 11/03/2023 12:08

I'd be telling all of them exactly what I think.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 11/03/2023 12:09

It’ll be interesting to see what happens when your bil and sil are old and need help won’t it?

Ohhmydays · 11/03/2023 12:25

I would be mortified If this was my ds(18yrs) i would be dragging him to the girls house and making sure they had an agreement for him to be paying for his child. Obvs can’t force them to have contact bt he should still be paying. I would also like to have contact with my grandchild and would make sure the girl knew she could contact me at any time if she was needing a break. Even if it was only for an hour or so. I was a young mum so know first hand how hard it can be when you don’t have any help around

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 12:28

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 11/03/2023 12:09

It’ll be interesting to see what happens when your bil and sil are old and need help won’t it?

Presumably they’ll pay for it like most do, and/or have the support of their children/grandchildren. It’s possible, if not probable, that the nephew will go on to get married and have children he does raise. It’s not uncommon.

PennyRa · 11/03/2023 12:31

Sounds like the best thing for the baby

MelchiorsMistress · 11/03/2023 12:34

It’s not your place to say anything and it’s right that the rest of the family are supportive of your nephew. He made a mistake and understandably, doesn’t want to be a parent at 19. That’s a fair and valid choice. The girl in this situation could have chosen not to become a parent after making exactly the same mistake as your dn, but instead she made the decision to go it alone. That’s also a fair and valid choice.

She will go to CMS and your DN will have to pay what he owes, then there’s no longer an issue for you to have an opinion about.

AgentJohnson · 11/03/2023 12:42

Urgh! Your H keeping quiet is also part of the wider problem. This men being the victim of unscrupulous women narrative is so fucking convenient and is why that so many men get away with not stepping the fuck up.

Simonjt · 11/03/2023 12:47

The poor mum and baby look like they would be better off without him and his parents, hopefully she claims child maintenance. You can almost ‘get’ his reaction as its sadly common, but for his parents to also not care about their own grandchild, how will they reconcile that if he goes on to have a child that he doesn’t treat awfully.

red78hot · 11/03/2023 13:12

Disgusting behaviour from nephew but unfortunately it seems he has inherited it from his parents. Hopefully the poor girl goes through cms and cuts ties with him.

Lavender14 · 11/03/2023 13:16

They are vile people no wonder that your nephew thinks his behaviour is acceptable when that's the way his parents are acting. How your sil could do that to another woman is beyond me. And surely your brother would want to see his son grow into a responsible man. Clearly their values are lacking and to be honest I'd say my piece and then reduce all contact with them.

billy1966 · 11/03/2023 13:21

Clearly your poor husband comes from the absolute dregs of society.

She is well rid of them.

If you can offer any support or advice that's for you to decide.

I certainly wouldn't want to be spending any time with such awful people.

Your nephew didn't lick his character off a stone.

weleasewoderick23 · 11/03/2023 13:34

MelchiorsMistress · 11/03/2023 12:34

It’s not your place to say anything and it’s right that the rest of the family are supportive of your nephew. He made a mistake and understandably, doesn’t want to be a parent at 19. That’s a fair and valid choice. The girl in this situation could have chosen not to become a parent after making exactly the same mistake as your dn, but instead she made the decision to go it alone. That’s also a fair and valid choice.

She will go to CMS and your DN will have to pay what he owes, then there’s no longer an issue for you to have an opinion about.

Are you serious?
The DN made a baby that he's turned his back on and the family are proud??

And to blame the girl for getting pregnant and choosing to keep it is equally repugnant of you to say.

What an awful misogynistic opinion to have. I'm shocked, and it takes a lot to shock me.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/03/2023 14:05

I wouldn't be proud of him not paying for the child, I do have a bit more understanding that he may not want a relationship with the child. I have always told all my dc to be responsible for their own contraception to avoid unwanted pregnancy, whilst also stressing that condoms may seem like double protection but it also protects against sti.

Presumably it was a casual sexual encounter, so neither of them wanted a child. To my mind that means they both should of either used contraception or abstained. Once a child has been conceived then the father needs to step up and take financial responsibility. If he wishes to have nothing to do with child outside of that and makes that clear then the mother has to decide whether she wishes to raise a child that has only one parent.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 14:23

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/03/2023 14:05

I wouldn't be proud of him not paying for the child, I do have a bit more understanding that he may not want a relationship with the child. I have always told all my dc to be responsible for their own contraception to avoid unwanted pregnancy, whilst also stressing that condoms may seem like double protection but it also protects against sti.

Presumably it was a casual sexual encounter, so neither of them wanted a child. To my mind that means they both should of either used contraception or abstained. Once a child has been conceived then the father needs to step up and take financial responsibility. If he wishes to have nothing to do with child outside of that and makes that clear then the mother has to decide whether she wishes to raise a child that has only one parent.

I’m of the same mind. Because of biology women do have more choices when it comes to whether they want to birth and parent a child, and it’s absolutely right that we do. No one should have the right to determine what a woman does with her own body.

I also think men should have the right to decide whether they want to be a parent or not. He can’t unilaterally relinquish a child for adoption if the mother wants to raise that child (again, rightly), but I don’t think it’s wrong for a man to decide he doesn’t want to be active parent, although he should still be financially liable. Others will of course disagree.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2023 14:28

Bloody hell that is AWFUL. I am sure you don’t know who the girl is, but if you do I’d drop a CSA leaflet through the door and hope she makes a claim. Poor baby! And the only hope for your N is to take responsibility. Should you happen to be with them, I would calmly express your own view.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2023 14:32

MelchiorsMistress · 11/03/2023 12:34

It’s not your place to say anything and it’s right that the rest of the family are supportive of your nephew. He made a mistake and understandably, doesn’t want to be a parent at 19. That’s a fair and valid choice. The girl in this situation could have chosen not to become a parent after making exactly the same mistake as your dn, but instead she made the decision to go it alone. That’s also a fair and valid choice.

She will go to CMS and your DN will have to pay what he owes, then there’s no longer an issue for you to have an opinion about.

No it is not right that they are supporting him to avoid paying for his child. His mother trying to get the girl to sign a form saying she won’t make a claim?? It’s an appalling example to set.

Hopefully she will apply for child support, and yes he’ll have to pay up. Although if he’s as dense as his mother it seems unlikely he’ll ever earn much.