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AIBU?

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Original poster

DNephew should support baby

134 replies

CoffeeandCakeNow · 11/03/2023 10:41

Hi NC as outing.
My DH DB and his wife have just told DH that their DS (19 a couple of months ago) has told them he has a baby that's a few months old! He knew from early on in the pregnancy but insisted he wanted a dna test before getting involved as they weren't together. He didn't tell his DP until a few weeks ago. The babies mum went through pregnancy and gave birth with no support. Baby born and dna test done. It is DN's. He then told her he never wanted a baby and didn't want to be involved or to pay. She said fine, I'll have to do it on my own then but I do need some money for a cot - he gave her some not all. SIL told him to put some money in a bank account so if CMS come knocking he can prove he was willing to support. He has said £100 A YEAR!! Not even going to the baby or her mum. Then SIL got a document drawn up to say if she changes her mind about child maintenance in the future she has no right to ask him. The babies mum has rightly refused to sign it and has cut all contact. DN has a good full time job and lives at home with few outgoings.
Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what. I just can't get on board with this and DH not happy but keeping quiet.

OP posts:
Thisisformathilda · 11/03/2023 14:51

I would be mortified if he was my son but looks like he doesn't lick it off the stones. What's in the cat is in the kitten.

saraclara · 11/03/2023 15:48

What exactly are they proud of him for?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 11/03/2023 16:21

Then SIL got a document drawn up to say if she changes her mind about child maintenance in the future she has no right to ask him.
😂😂😂
SiL is thick as well as unpleasant then.
No such document would carry a jot of legal weight.

The babies mum has rightly refused to sign it and has cut all contact.
Good for her. I hope she's contacted the CMS.

DN has a good full time job and lives at home with few outgoings.
And this prince of a lad is offering £100 a year, to be kept in his own savings account, just in case the CMS come knocking? Fucksake!

Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what.
Have you asked them what they're proud of?

I just can't get on board with this and DH not happy but keeping quiet.
I do hope DN's partner leaves him.
Not sure I'd be able to keep quiet about SiL's bullying either.

FearTheWankingDead · 11/03/2023 16:24

Swiftswatch · 11/03/2023 10:57

Other family have all supported DN and said how proud they are of him and they'll support him no matter what.

Well if the family are “proud” that he won’t support the child he created I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I wonder why the girl hasn’t chased CM yet. Hopefully she has someone to advise her.

I would support the girl if she didn’t have anyone.
imagine if she was alone and young and had this bunch of twats behaving this way - I would also tell them why I helped her.

PinkButtercups · 11/03/2023 16:27

What a ugly horrible young boy. Aided by his useless parents. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 11/03/2023 16:27

MelchiorsMistress · 11/03/2023 12:34

It’s not your place to say anything and it’s right that the rest of the family are supportive of your nephew. He made a mistake and understandably, doesn’t want to be a parent at 19. That’s a fair and valid choice. The girl in this situation could have chosen not to become a parent after making exactly the same mistake as your dn, but instead she made the decision to go it alone. That’s also a fair and valid choice.

She will go to CMS and your DN will have to pay what he owes, then there’s no longer an issue for you to have an opinion about.

How is it right that the family is supportive of DN?

He is behaving abominably.
He could have worn a condom, & he can certainly pay for the child he created.
If he had a decent family, they'd be telling him that, not bullying the young woman & acting proud of DN.

BrokenBonesStixStones · 11/03/2023 16:33

I would be ashamed if my DS behaved like that, and I would step up as a grandmother

Notimeforaname · 11/03/2023 16:42

What a pack of scummy bastards.

You're better off not rubbing shoulders with absolute imbeciles like this.

desperadodogface · 11/03/2023 16:46

Disgusting. Not sure I could stay quiet either. Agree with a PP that it's his choice if he wants to be a parent but the financial support is non- negotiable. Mind you, my ex's parents support him not paying for our DD. Some people are just awful. I hope the baby and mum are ok- sounds like they're better off without your nephew

Sparklesocks · 11/03/2023 16:50

Hope she gets CMS onto him. But it sounds like the baby would be better off without him and his enabling parents. Also if he has a sudden change of heart and decides he wants to know his kid a few years down the line then that door might be closed.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2023 16:51

Any decent parent would be hanging their heads in shame at their son, and wondering how they'd failed so very badly.

Please call them out on this op.

WasIWasINot · 11/03/2023 17:03

It’s not your place to say anything and it’s right that the rest of the family are supportive of your nephew. He made a mistake and understandably, doesn’t want to be a parent at 19. That’s a fair and valid choice. The girl in this situation could have chosen not to become a parent after making exactly the same mistake as your dn, but instead she made the decision to go it alone. That’s also a fair and valid choice. ah the OP’s SIL has decided to join us I see.

OP what has your DH said about all this?

My cousin has recently done something very similar. Again the parents weren’t told until the baby was born.

They however have been disgusted with the way he has behaved, and my cousin has helped her out a lot while his ds has behaved like a prat.

Six months on and he has finally got his act together and is giving her money and seeing the baby, but his family would never ever have tolerated him behaving the way your DN has.

LakieLady · 11/03/2023 17:14

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 14:23

I’m of the same mind. Because of biology women do have more choices when it comes to whether they want to birth and parent a child, and it’s absolutely right that we do. No one should have the right to determine what a woman does with her own body.

I also think men should have the right to decide whether they want to be a parent or not. He can’t unilaterally relinquish a child for adoption if the mother wants to raise that child (again, rightly), but I don’t think it’s wrong for a man to decide he doesn’t want to be active parent, although he should still be financially liable. Others will of course disagree.

Show quote history

Men who don't want babies should use contraception, not just chance it for the sake of a shag.

And those who do should pay towards the cost of raising the child that has been born because they couldn't be arsed to use a condom.

I really hope this poor girl goes down the CMS route and that he ends up having to give her a fat chunk of his income for the next 18 years.

And the family sound like a bunch of irresponsible fuckwits. That apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Viviennemary · 11/03/2023 17:16

He is legally obliged to pay maintenance if the child is his.

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/03/2023 17:17

Deadbeat dads are nearly always supported by deadbeat grandparents.

I hope she goes to the CMS and I would be telling them straight they were a bunch of twats.

I'd also be concerned they would turn of you in the event of a divorce. Protect yourself OP

momonpurpose · 11/03/2023 17:24

Your sister s just as nasty as your nephew. This is her attitude about her son's lack of responsibility to her grandchild? I hope she goes to cams

Holly60 · 11/03/2023 17:36

To be honest. If I had a casual relationship with someone, got pregnant and kept the baby against their wishes, I don't think I'd have the brass neck to insist they then paid for that baby for the next 18 years.

Different if it was a joint decision to keep the baby.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2023 17:42

Holly60 · 11/03/2023 17:36

To be honest. If I had a casual relationship with someone, got pregnant and kept the baby against their wishes, I don't think I'd have the brass neck to insist they then paid for that baby for the next 18 years.

Different if it was a joint decision to keep the baby.

So would you pay for the child all yourself then, or would you expect the tax payer to foot the bill instead of the father?

Holly60 · 11/03/2023 17:55

@arethereanyleftatall my finances would have played a role in my decision over whether I could keep the baby.

If the prospective father didn't want a baby, and I couldn't see a way that I could afford it on my own, then I'd have some very difficult decisions to make.

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 20:33

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2023 17:42

So would you pay for the child all yourself then, or would you expect the tax payer to foot the bill instead of the father?

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She wanted a baby, she went for it without consulting the 19 yo boyfriend and now she is surprised he doesn't want to be involved. Poor boy.

DelphiniumBlue · 11/03/2023 20:55

Tbh, it doesn't sound like the girl necessarily did want to have a baby, more like she found herself pregnant and didn't want to terminate.
He is just putting words into her mouth for his own benefit.
If he didn't want a baby he could have used contraception, and. he is just as responsible as the girl is for the baby.
I'm really shocked to read that some people think that he should have the right to walk away.
He sounds cold and heartless, and his parents are no better.
I hope OP has said what she thinks to her family, and shames him into paying up at the very least. I don't think I could keep on good terms with people that behaved like this, who would leave a teenage girl and their own child/grandchild without proper support.
Why is DH keeping quiet,OP? It is everyone's business, DN needs to understand that his behaviour is shameful. If DH doesn't comment, he is condoning it.

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 20:58

Nothing he can do. He will have to pay as it is the law. Not sure how much 12% of a 19 yo's salary is going to help. It sounds like a trap.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2023 20:58

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 20:33

She wanted a baby, she went for it without consulting the 19 yo boyfriend and now she is surprised he doesn't want to be involved. Poor boy.

Show quote history

Poor boy? If he didn’t want to be a father, he could have used a condom or not had sex with her. He cannot claim full ownership of his sperm once it leaves his body. Basic biology.

taxpayer1 · 11/03/2023 20:59

Women that make a conscious decision not to terminate should be solely responsible for the financial responsibility of a child.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 11/03/2023 21:03

What about men who don’t use condoms?