School Refuser

[VolvicAstronaut]

Hello.

First time posting, I’d very happy for any advice given.

My 12 year old has a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD

He has recently started a specialist school, at the moment he is only staying for 1-2 hours per day. He only went once this week (Tuesday) he refused to go the other days, we would never force him.

My partner, I and my other children whom are age 16 and 21 always praise him for going and sometimes come along to offer their support. We always tell him how proud we are of him, I’ve even tried to bribe him with more Lego sets, he is a huge fan of the sets but nothing seems to work.

Staff have said that he needs to start attending regularly, and from Monday he needs to start coming every single day. We fought for an EHCP, school is a well known SEN in London and we all believe once he gets settled; he will do very well academically.

He is very quiet boy, prefers to stay in his own room, He always has been. Will only speak if spoken to, prefers to spend time at home building Lego or on handheld console.

Doesn’t like to attend family events, days out and holidays; which I’m very sad about because we have no choice to leave him behind, with my mum.

He is no trouble; it’s all and it just makes me so sad that he is different from my children, and I’m constantly having to explain myself to family members and friends why he is not with me. I really wish he was like my other kids, although I love him dearly, but it’s almost as if he doesn’t fit in our family as much as we try and encourage and include him in everything.

AIBU for feeling like this?

Would it be unreasonable of me to explain that he needs to start attending school everyday? Even though I know school and even leaving the house makes him very anxious.

Well no, many didn’t manage.

Would you say making SEP for a physically disabled DC was ‘pandering’ to them?

Special educational provision.

In case you missed it earlier can you answer my question please. It is clear from your posts on this thread you don’t have experience of SEN or the SEN system, so with what expertise do you make such bold claims when experts disagree with you as do those who actually have DC in this situation?

@Phineyj @FloatingBean

GP refused to prescribe melatonin and wouldn't refer either, had a fight to get the mental health referral (wasn't technically CAMHS, it's a SPOA for CAMHS and the primary care service, I think we seen by the latter), and they won't do anything because of the suspected ASD. I'm going to go back this week and try again about the sleeping as it's got worse - I'm assuming that's to do with anxiety about the new school.

Waiting for outcome of Social Services assessment. So far they've asked permission to pass our details on to a signposting service I've already contacted about 5 times. That was a couple of weeks ago, so I'll chase that up this week as well.

We can claim mileage for taking DS to school though we have yet to sort that out. Or transport can be provided but I don't think we're anywhere near that being something DS would accept.

Anyway sorry about the rant and derailing OPs thread. DS was actually with his DGPs last night and I'd spent the day angrily attacking fossilised bath sealant and then drank wine.

Well then I would be interested in you participating in the discussion fully by answering @FloatingBean 's questions.

Do you think that Children who receive special educational provision are being pandered to?

What SEN expertise do you have which qualifies you to make the bold claims that you have made throughout this thread regarding outcomes of children who are Educated Other than At School rather than in school?

So no expertise then? Or even experience? Would you go on to a thread about a physical disability and spout nonsense you have absolutely no idea about? Or do you limit such posts only to certain disabilities?

If you want to participate in a discussion can you please answer the questions I have asked rather than ignoring them.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair I would escalate the refusal to refer to a sleep clinic. That can be done alongside the ASD referral. Don’t accept just sign posting from social care. They can and should provide more than that but will only do so if you push.

We went from 100% attendance and one of the top children in her year, to 20% and totally crippled by anxiety.
I am able to get her into school for a few hours each day, but it’s become my FT job as I can’t commit to anything else.
She has an emotional support worker at school but it’s not going to last forever. She won’t go to the alternative provision and she won’t homeschool.

Have you tried SENDIASS (sorry not RTFT). There are other alternatives such as 1:1 tutoring and also homeschooling whilst staying on roll at school, so the door remains open. They don’t tell you as everything costs money though.

we did force DD to go in, for 6 months. It had a hugely negative effect and to be honest if the support and money had been there at the start we might not be in this position. We didn’t know what we were doing and I was working.

Our Educational Psychologist said one of the main issues ND children have, is other children, because children are unpredictable and noisy. Many times this resolves itself as everyone grows up and becomes predictable and quieter. Which is why university/college works for them.

Hi, I haven't read the full thread. I have two DDs with additional needs who have difficulty at school. I wanted to recommend this website notfineinschool.co.uk i have read stuff and done some webinars with this psychologist. It has helped me see things differently and the school have made lots of adjustments to help us support our children doing work even if they are not in the traditional classroom setting all the time

@SalmonKnicks

Are you actually reading what people are writing?

Kids with SEN struggle with loud/sudden noises, bright lighting, strange smells, transitions, processing issues, social communication, reading, writing, paying attention and suffer from bullying more than the average child.

Having to deal with all of this concurrently on a daily basis is traumatising.

How are any of these children going to cope with the drudgery of going in to an office/factory/place of work for 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year for 45+ years

Well my ds for one will not be able to do this.

You do realise that some kids with SEN will never even be able to live independently?

I'm trying to be polite but you really have no clue about what some families are going through.

Well they just won’t have to , they can leave those types of jobs to be picked by individuals who can manage that and choose employment for themselves that fits their needs. I would hope with increasing awareness that most of jut all employers will recognise that things need adapting for some employees. It’s not one size fits all anymore

This as well-if someone can’t work or find suitable employment let’s hope there’s always a robust safety net for them with financial and practical support. That’s something we should be striving for in society

My DD has literally refused to attend school since January. She is 13. She was fine all through primary and post lockdown found secondary transition very very hard. She developed anorexia and although that is ok now she is very anxious.

I originally would have been one of those parents who would have said “just get him into school” but my greater understanding of emotional school avoidance is to go gently. We are now being led by my DD. I think if we had forced the issue she would have had a full breakdown. She told us loud and clear through her anorexia and then self harm that she couldn’t manage

everyone who doesn’t know her tells me to have has assessed for autism; everyone who knows her doesn’t see this at all. Is severe anxiety not enough?

she says she doesn’t feel safe at school, it’s chaotic in the corridors. Lots of behavioural issues in other kids, especially post pandemic, to be honest, it doesn’t sound great at all and whilst some kids are fine with that others are not

i would personally take your time. We are doing that and our daughter has now come back to us - from a shell of a person to eating, laughing and happy. Education will come when it’s ready.

Actually laughing at the person who asked how these kids will work in a factory or office for their careers. Is that a joke? Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. Maybe they will work from home or work in a school counselling anxious teens as my brother now does. Maybe they will work as gardeners or art therapists. Maybe they will manage to work in a local business.

good lord - there is more than one way to an education and a career and thank goodness for that!

I don't have any real advice, just want to express understanding and solidarity. I have a 10yo DS with OCD and know how it takes over the life of the sufferer and the lives of everyone around them. I had OCD myself when I was in my early teens. Thankfully DS hasn't refused school (yet) although I know he would love not to go as he finds it hard to avoid the things which set off his OCD. I think he goes more willingly because he has some good friendships. He starts CBT this week and I know it'll be a long road. He's also awaiting a camera test to confirm either Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis which complicates things even further. Autism has been discussed, but the psychologist has agreed to see if there are any identifiable traits during therapy. I don't think he has autism, but I'm no expert - neither am I resistant to or worried about the idea, as his older brother is awaiting assessment and I'm fairly certain he will receive a diagnosis. Our lives at the weekend are almost unrecognisable compared to what they were as DS1 finds it hard to deal with the unpredictable nature of days out and/or visiting - possible germs, nowhere to wash hands, having to touch things he doesn't want to touch, people breathing near him, someone ruffling his hair, needing to do things in even and equal numbers etc (it's a looong list!)

As I say, just adding my tuppence worth to say I understand how hard it is having a child with OCD.

Here are some essentially useless, but very well meaning flowers

Oh I think that poster is fully aware they are just being faux ignorant to try and push the ‘we all have to do stuff we don’t want to and just get on with it’ line