School Refuser

[VolvicAstronaut]

Hello.

First time posting, I’d very happy for any advice given.

My 12 year old has a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD

He has recently started a specialist school, at the moment he is only staying for 1-2 hours per day. He only went once this week (Tuesday) he refused to go the other days, we would never force him.

My partner, I and my other children whom are age 16 and 21 always praise him for going and sometimes come along to offer their support. We always tell him how proud we are of him, I’ve even tried to bribe him with more Lego sets, he is a huge fan of the sets but nothing seems to work.

Staff have said that he needs to start attending regularly, and from Monday he needs to start coming every single day. We fought for an EHCP, school is a well known SEN in London and we all believe once he gets settled; he will do very well academically.

He is very quiet boy, prefers to stay in his own room, He always has been. Will only speak if spoken to, prefers to spend time at home building Lego or on handheld console.

Doesn’t like to attend family events, days out and holidays; which I’m very sad about because we have no choice to leave him behind, with my mum.

He is no trouble; it’s all and it just makes me so sad that he is different from my children, and I’m constantly having to explain myself to family members and friends why he is not with me. I really wish he was like my other kids, although I love him dearly, but it’s almost as if he doesn’t fit in our family as much as we try and encourage and include him in everything.

AIBU for feeling like this?

Would it be unreasonable of me to explain that he needs to start attending school everyday? Even though I know school and even leaving the house makes him very anxious.

@VolvicAstronaut - yes, I get the OCD thing. You have all my sympathy. Has your DS had CBT with Exposure Therapy? That was very effective for my older son when he was 14. We managed to get it with Camhs eventually. Unfortunately, his OCD came back after Covid and is now worse than ever.

I'm not surprised your son can't manage school if his OCD is that bad. My DS can't even leave the house. It's brilliant that you've got him into a specialist school (not easy), but it sounds as if he needs specialist support for his OCD. And I would consider an assessment for autism too, if that hasn't been done already.

Just seen this. Sorry @VolvicAstronaut - the system is crap.

My daughter struggled in primary school. I saw her personality disappear in term time and she made little academic progress. She has ASD, although mild. Also anxiety and auditory processing disorder, alongside severe dyspraxia. She has been home educated since 7 years of age. At 11, she is thriving. I work so have to fit in the education alongside my commitments. She attends various youth clubs, sports and arts programmes, alongside online classes and my teaching input. She is a completely different, and much happier child. School doesn't suit all children, and having mixed with the home education community now, I can see this is many children. Some have emotional or behavioural diagnoses, while others are creative and need more than what the standard curriculum offers. While I appreciate you fought to get the school placement, maybe consider home education?

There is a Facebook group called Operation Diversity SEN support with 1000s of parents, EHCP advice etc. It's v helpful.

Whatever you do don’t deregister. If DS can’t attend school the LA must provide alternative education and anything in F of the EHCP. You can also look at an EOTAS package. But if you EHE you relieve the LA of their duty to provide education and the provision in the EHCP.

Be careful with SENDIASS, some are good but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies.

If he’s staying at home, i’d he building lego snd playing games during the school day?
Imo, depending on his age , he should be doing school-related stuff during the school day and getting on to his fun stuff after school hours. Every day.

Sit down with him and draw out a timetable together so he’s reassured with what’s coming next.

Why is he refusing the SEN ? What has he told you? Pass that on to the staff so they can work with you together to get him in.

Alternatively could you home educate him?

Sending a child to school when they are suffering acute anxiety can cause trauma.

I am saying this because it is what happened with my eldest child.

From your description of your son it does sound like he has autism. Many of the things you are describing are traits that my autistic children have.

Schools are loud and scary, they are unpredictable.

If the school is causing him such anxiety then it isn't meeting his needs. You can ask for an early review and a reassessment of needs.

I don't think it is terribly easy to deregister a child from special school but I echo the advice that you should not do this.

If the child is out of school for more than 15 days (don't have to be consecutive ) then s. 19 of the Education Act is triggered and it is the legal obligation of the LA to put in alternative provision.

My children both ended up on full time EOTAS arrangements because it was obvious that, in the case of my eldest, school had been so traumatising no school could meet need. He did his GCSEs at home (having come out of school in yr 5) he now had the opportunity to address his trauma and with the help of anxiety meds he is now at mainstream 6th form.

My youngest has more complex needs and no school can meet her needs, she has a full time home based package. She will also do GCSEs at home. I removed her from the unsuitable setting before the trauma set in.

I regret forcing my son into the unsuitable environment for as long as I did.

Good luck with it all.

This is what I was thinking. Home is almost too safe. He needs putting out of his comfort zone and home would be the best place to start.

Absolutely terrible advice for a child with anxiety.

Would you say the same if an adult was too anxious to be at work?

Yes. Why wouldn't I?

Surely being stuck at home in his bedroom all day with lego and console isn't the answer for long term? His parents can't keep throwing thousands of pounds here there and everywhere. Plus get inline for demanding an EHCP is a legal document which needs enforcing.

I've worked with school refusers. Parents have to bring them in because they need to work. It's been a long process but we can't just stay at the point where they lay screaming/crying at the entrance!

Regarding advice to make home uncomfortable so the child will go to school.

This child has diagnosed SEN and is displaying anxiety in school. He has an EHCP and goes to a special school.

The term 'refusal' is awful because it implies he is choosing not to go to school when the truth of the matter is that his anxiety is so acute he can't go to school at the moment.

Home is his safe space.

Making home a place that causes anxiety as well as having school a place that causes anxiety is punishing him for having special needs and is making the child's entire existence anxiety inducing. It doesn't work.

When my child first 'refused' I listened to opinions of making home 'less comfortable' so he would know 'he had to go to school'. This traumatised him. We almost lost him. At 10 his life was so hard that he tried to kill himself.

He then had more than a year when he was incapable of doing 'anything'. He practically stopped eating, stopped leaving his room, stopped interacting with anyone or anything.

If home had remained a safe space he may never have become traumatised.

If an adult is unable to go to work because of mental health issues no one would ever tell them to make their home as uncomfortable as possible as that would 'cure' the anxiety.

It's not trauma informed to make the life of an anxious child intolerable. There is more than one way to be educated.

My child went through this and is now predicted As and A* at A level. He didn't do any school work for more than a year because he was too ill.

I've worked with school refusers. Parents have to bring them in because they need to work. It's been a long process but we can't just stay at the point where they lay screaming/crying at the entrance!

Please read my posts. Forcing a child to comply will not remove trauma and anxiety.

Making home something that is not a safe space will accelerate trauma.

I do think OP should call an early EHCP review, that's what I suggested upthread.

Tbf your opinion is based on your experience. That is the advice you are giving.

My opinion is based on my experience and obvious success so I believe in it.

I said to put him put of his comfort zone not to make home uncomfortable! I personally see this as being completely different.

My dd started school refusing at 12 - diagnosed ASD at 15.
We spent years trying to get her to attend a variety of settings and with hindsight I wish we hadn't - it was upsetting for everyone.
I recently heard of a book called 'Can't Not Won't' and it sounds like it would have been helpful to us.
I'm sorry that I can't offer more positive advice but with hindsight I wish I had ignored other people's advice and judgements and done what was right for our family.

I agree with @lifeturnsonadime, except if the OP is still within the appeal window I would appeal instead asking for an early review.

I said to put him put of his comfort zone not to make home uncomfortable! I personally see this as being completely different.

What you actually said was that 'home is almost too safe'.

A child should ALWAYS feel safe at home.

The child's mental health should be the priority not forcing school at all or any cost.

I’m so sorry to hear things got so difficult for your son. I won’t ask what ‘making his home uncomfortable’ entailed.

For me, making a child do education-related/school work is making his home uncomfortable tbh. Why would that automatically mean she’s making him uncomfortable at home??

OP needs to start preparing him by him doing some school work and getting that routine in place, which he can then transfer into school when the time comes.

As I said, OP should speak to her son to find out why he refuses to go. What can she do? What can the school put in place? What are his fears? Etc etc. If EOTAS is the answer, then you build up the right one for him.

The truth of the matter is you’ll have huge issues on your hands, OP, if your son becomes an adult who will only stay in his room and play video games or builds lego.

Video games, whilst beneficial, can also cause huge issues when played too much among children with certain types SEN.

There is safe and having the chance to make new safe/happy places and then too safe and never leaving.

Not at all costs surely? Job? Security? Home? Other children? If only life could be about the individual. If only schooling was a whole different set up. But it's not.

I won’t ask what ‘making his home uncomfortable’ entailed.

It was what you are suggesting. Refusing him the chance to heal. Saying he must do work in the school day when he was too unwell and too anxious to engage in education.

It was removing the opportunity to communicate with others via video games.

It was taking the lego away when this was helping him to make sense of his trauma.

Education isn't the priority when a child is unwell. The child's welfare is the priority.

The child should have access to work by all means but if they are unable to engage because they are too unwell then they shouldn't be forced.

There is safe and having the chance to make new safe/happy places and then too safe and never leaving.

My child now has 100% attendance at 6th form having been a 'school refuser'.

It has nothing to do with not wanting a child to make new safe and happy places it is about ensuring they have the skills and support to do so.

He tried to jump out of bed room windows and to throw himself under a gritter truck when he was 10 because the thought of entering school was so traumatic.

Keeping him at home wasn't to stop him from being able to engage. It was to give him the tools to recover so he is now able to engage.

Anyway I feel like I am now derailing the thread with my child's experience when what the OP wants is advice on their situation.

Good luck OP. Ultimately follow your own gut instinct.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned the Not Fine in School Website and facebook group. They are full of people going through the same as you are now.

Also regarding needs assessments, has your son had a recent Occupational Therapy Assessment? I would suggest you look at whether he has any sensory processing needs, these often go hand in hand with extreme difficulties in the school environment.

Being at home and not focusing on academic school work doesn’t have to mean no education. Educational provision covers a lot. OT, SALT, MH therapies, emotional literacy support, mentoring such as mindjam can all be educational provision without any focus on traditional school work. But OP will need to EHCP amending if it doesn’t currently include therapies.

I'll second Mindjam being excellent, my daughter has this named on her EHCP, along with speech and language therapy and occupational therapy along with academic provision from home which she now is able to access.

Hi OP.

I'm an education welfare officer with nearly 20 years of experience in 3 different local authorities working with non attendance for ALL reasons and emotional based school avoidance which is effectively a change of term from school refusal, for those children not attending through anxiety, SEN needs, neurodiversity, not coping in school environment. I commented on a recent thread offering advice and knowledge from years and years of experience but everything I said there was attacked by another poster who was speaking from personal experience and didn't like what I had to say. People don't generally like EWOs much but we are there to help and support and the role is most certainly not about blaming, enforcing and legal actioning like it used to be. We actually have a lot of skill and knowledge in this area because we have to. My role is now more based around EBSA and the work that has gone into researching and developing EBSA support than anything else. I used to comment on these threads quite a lot but if you'd like to PM me you are welcome.