School Refuser

[VolvicAstronaut]

Hello.

First time posting, I’d very happy for any advice given.

My 12 year old has a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD

He has recently started a specialist school, at the moment he is only staying for 1-2 hours per day. He only went once this week (Tuesday) he refused to go the other days, we would never force him.

My partner, I and my other children whom are age 16 and 21 always praise him for going and sometimes come along to offer their support. We always tell him how proud we are of him, I’ve even tried to bribe him with more Lego sets, he is a huge fan of the sets but nothing seems to work.

Staff have said that he needs to start attending regularly, and from Monday he needs to start coming every single day. We fought for an EHCP, school is a well known SEN in London and we all believe once he gets settled; he will do very well academically.

He is very quiet boy, prefers to stay in his own room, He always has been. Will only speak if spoken to, prefers to spend time at home building Lego or on handheld console.

Doesn’t like to attend family events, days out and holidays; which I’m very sad about because we have no choice to leave him behind, with my mum.

He is no trouble; it’s all and it just makes me so sad that he is different from my children, and I’m constantly having to explain myself to family members and friends why he is not with me. I really wish he was like my other kids, although I love him dearly, but it’s almost as if he doesn’t fit in our family as much as we try and encourage and include him in everything.

AIBU for feeling like this?

Would it be unreasonable of me to explain that he needs to start attending school everyday? Even though I know school and even leaving the house makes him very anxious.

Yes there are, the thing is my son hardly attends. So it’s hard for me to build relationships with other parents, I hope you understand.

I'm sorry to recommend something else that costs money (we've spent over £4k on assessment and therapies for our autistic daughter so far!) however, I hear good things about the organisation MindJam. They are trained therapists who are neurodiverse themselves who work with young people by gaming with them over the computer.

Also, you might find the documentaries Chris Packham made interesting and useful (My Autistic Mind).

I've found lots of parents like me on a Facebook group for my area (found it via a charity for one of DD's conditions) and there's also an EHCP parents' group on Facebook.

Hi

Please understand this is very hard for me, I don’t know anyone with a special needs child. It is very hard to get help in my borough of London, so I am not getting any help from anyone at all, even if I were getting some suggestions from outside I’d be grateful but we aren’t getting nothing.

Yes it looks like I am going to have to go private again, I just want my son to be happy and be able to enjoy things.

Sometimes I think God is punishing me.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS.

Mindjam can be funded via the EHCP, they have a waiting list but it’s worth it. It isn’t therapy as such but mentoring and emotional support.

Thanks @floatingbean, I haven't used them personally (autistic DC are so different - my DD is mega social) but I thought it sounded a great idea.

I think all London local authorities are saying no to pretty much everything SEN related. Kent seems to be even worse... knowledge is power though. I think with some research you will find help, OP.

I found the checklists and template letters on the IPSEA website very useful.

I am glad someone understands ☹️

AIBU for feeling like this?

Would it be unreasonable of me to explain that he needs to start attending school everyday? Even though I know school and even leaving the house makes him very anxious.

It’s a vicious cycle as the less he goes, the more anxiety he’s going to have about going and more likely to not want to go.

As someone who works in a SN school I understand why they need him to start coming in.
The waiting lists are huge and he’s taking up a place that someone else could be using it so he basically needs to start using it or give it up.

What does he do Mon-fri when he’s at home during the day?

Is it the same structure as school?
Getting him up early, starting his lessons at 9 and only doing fun things during the breaks and afterwards?

I find so many children are allowed to stay home and just watch TV or play Xbox all day so when they have to get up early and come to school and have structure they really struggle.

If he has autism then it’s really important that he is prepared for going in. Don’t keep going on about it and try not to mention it when he’s eating or before bed.
Maybe go for a long walk and then half way through start talking about what’s going to happen and all of the good things.

This is what I do with my DD.
I also say it’s ok to feel nervous and eventually say that there is no choice and talking about it is going to make it much easier to deal with.

@Cocobutt

He isn’t a lazy boy (thank god) he gets up pretty early; he hoovers and wipes over his room.

His days consist of

Lego building
Games console (Nintendo Switch or SteamDeck)
Reading

I have a copy of his time table, it seems and looks very fun. I just wish he would stop refusing.

If his anxiety is at a 9 I think it’s very harsh to send him to school

what are you doing to treat the anxiety? Surely he needs therapy or a mild AD

Yes it would be unreasonable in my opinion because he's obviously finding it distressing - that's why he doesn't want to go.

He needs some sort of assessment done in school - either occupational therapist or educational psychology. They just cannot refuse to do this. This is basic stuff.

Personally I wouldn't worry about an diagnosis just now. Is he taking medication for his OCD? Has he been shown mindfulness techniques or coping mechanisms for OCD when diagnosed?

Since he is in a special school I would try and engage with the school more if possible. School will have therapies and other interventions built into the special school but they are right that he needs to be there to access them.
Id ask the school for a meeting to discuss an approach with school refusal and techniques you could use. Hopefully they can work out a plan.

I have asd child who school refuses and in their case they do need encouraged and nudged outside their comfort zone - they would more than happily stay in their room as doesn't mean dealing with the things they find utterly uncomfortable. So for us we have got so far as they agree I drive then we sit outside the school in the car the his TA comes and gets him. He has a safe space in the school which he can use any time. It a gradual process but he realises school is not optional and if he stays home its home schooling which he isn't fond of and no electronic devices until after dinner. If he goes to school he can have his mobile phone and his games console as soon as he comes in from school. Just my experience with my child and know it will in no way necessarily apply to other kids.

School will have therapies and other interventions built into the special school but they are right that he needs to be there to access them.

The school can begin to deliver therapies and interventions at home or in the community whilst building a relationship and slowly transitioning into school. However, if therapies aren’t listed in the EHCP the school may not provide them and OP can’t force them to. OP would need an early review with a view to the EHCP being amended.

Please don't feel pressured into making him go to school. It's really not going to help and will make the anxiety worse.
I'm surprised the SEN school is suggesting that.
My daughter is a school refuser, has selective mutism, anxiety and autism.
She has an EHCP and goes to a special SEN school and they are very understanding and supportive.
I would ask for a meeting, make some notes first of what you want to say.
Always, always create a paper trail of communications.
You need to be your son's voice and his advocate and his protector.

Hello, I'm also amazed the school haven't suggested he is assessed for autism. School refusal is often a sign of autism, and there is a big overlap between OCD and autism. You can look up lots of advice about school refusal and autism.

One thing you could try is creating a safe space for him at school. It could be a small room with Lego and other things he enjoys. When he goes to school he can go to that room instead of the classroom. They way at least he is in school and then they can gradually start giving him work to do or getting him to join in with his favourite lessons.

I wouldn't force him to go to school if he finds the classroom difficult and there's nowhere else he can go .

I do hate the phrase “school refuser” - it’s like they have a choice, and often they don’t, they don’t feel safe in school.

My DD missed all of Y10 and Y11 .. and I found this group to be really helpful

notfineinschool.co.uk

By the way, my son is autistic and he also hates family events. At Christmas he won't join the dinner table. It is sad and I found it hard at first, but, I've realised he does care about family and wants to see them . He just needs to see people one to one or in small groups. He hates the pressure of larger gatherings. Maybe your son would be happier to see visitors in ones or twos.

I was going to suggest ASD assessment too. My daughter was diagnosed as autistic last year at age of 18. I was surprised as I was not aware of too many signs, although I am now aware that gils mask more.
My daughter struggled with noise, crowds at school.

She hates family events too.

You are not alone, though in my experience it often feels like it when there appears to be no one who wants to help and they want that attendance box ticked. The FB page 'Not fine in School' has sadly far too many members but is a great source of support.

My son was very like yours, just wanted to be alone, not wanting to go out. We took all demands away from him including school and work, we knew we were in a bad place and we knew everything at this point had to stop. Slowly we introduced work back in, things he wanted to do and was interested in. About 16months down the line we have been invited to a group session by camhs so he can learn how to address his anxieties by talking about exposure to them. This came a week after we deregistered from school. We have a happier child who is engaged in learning. The system has failed us but we now can move on and work out what's best for our child rather than being told that he must attend school despite his crippling anxiety and his ability to cope in a busy high school. He still hates going out.

The system is failing so many children.

I feel for you OP. It sounds like you and your DS are having a tough time. At his most anxious, my DS had lots of complicated routines he had to do before he could leave for school, or get in the car, or go to bed, and if he "got something wrong" he'd have to start again. I thought it was OCD, but he now has an autism diagnosis.
He changed school, and staff came to visit at home, then he had a very gentle start - 1 hour a day at first which very gradually increased until he was more or less full time. He still refuses occasionally, but is MUCH better now.
It can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it IS there.

Have you got a local SENDIASS team? (Not sure if all LAs have them - they can help advise and look over EHCPs to make sure they're fit for purpose .

My daughter has ASD with a PDA profile and so many PDA kids are not attending school due to the anxiety of the demands, I've found the PDA websites and Facebook pages an invaluable source of information. I'm not suggesting your son has PDA but that there are a lot of children in a similar position and a lot of support and information online that it's worth searching out.

For example if school isn't right for your son you can fight for EOTAS (education other than at school) where he can be funded to do things like coding courses, online tutoring, forest school ... harder to manage for you - but maybe you can find al alternative way that suits your son

Yep. Exactly the same here!

Are you telling school he’s refusing or do you make out he’s ill?
School refusal should trigger help! But you have to be honest about.

Are there are Austrian charities near by? They should be able to offer help with appeals etc - ask