School Refuser

[VolvicAstronaut]

Hello.

First time posting, I’d very happy for any advice given.

My 12 year old has a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD

He has recently started a specialist school, at the moment he is only staying for 1-2 hours per day. He only went once this week (Tuesday) he refused to go the other days, we would never force him.

My partner, I and my other children whom are age 16 and 21 always praise him for going and sometimes come along to offer their support. We always tell him how proud we are of him, I’ve even tried to bribe him with more Lego sets, he is a huge fan of the sets but nothing seems to work.

Staff have said that he needs to start attending regularly, and from Monday he needs to start coming every single day. We fought for an EHCP, school is a well known SEN in London and we all believe once he gets settled; he will do very well academically.

He is very quiet boy, prefers to stay in his own room, He always has been. Will only speak if spoken to, prefers to spend time at home building Lego or on handheld console.

Doesn’t like to attend family events, days out and holidays; which I’m very sad about because we have no choice to leave him behind, with my mum.

He is no trouble; it’s all and it just makes me so sad that he is different from my children, and I’m constantly having to explain myself to family members and friends why he is not with me. I really wish he was like my other kids, although I love him dearly, but it’s almost as if he doesn’t fit in our family as much as we try and encourage and include him in everything.

AIBU for feeling like this?

Would it be unreasonable of me to explain that he needs to start attending school everyday? Even though I know school and even leaving the house makes him very anxious.

Hi @EilonwyWithRedGoldHair that sounds awful.:( Has he been prescribed melatonin? That was a game changer for us. Some GPs are funny about prescribing it but it's worth persisting. We used to have to fight DD into bed for several hours (ages 3 to 7, don't know how we kept our jobs tbh). She was prescribed it by the paediatrician when the ADOS was done and the GP now prescribes it. Now she's a bit older (10) she can describe 'how my mind wouldn't shut off' (she has ADHD). We still have to sit in the damn room though!

Research the ADHD Society did ('Sleep Seekers') shows this is a common problem re sleeping.

Sorry for the slight derail OP.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair If DS isn’t already taking melatonin ask to be referred to a paediatrician or sleep clinic - GPs often prefer it to be initiated by a paed or CAMHS. If he is already taking it there are other medications that can be tried.

There is more support social care can provide, but, like everything, you have to fight for it. If you haven’t had both a carer’s assessment and an assessment for DS via the disabled children’s team push for them.

You are entitled to transport or mileage if you prefer, are you receiving that?

For some DC attending school itself is traumatic.

@Sometimeswinning thank you for posting that I think you have it spot on. So many posters on here commenting on things they have absolutely no idea of. Saying 'have you accessed CAMHS' etc.
These types of services via the NHS / LA are a joke with waiting lists of years for any proper assessments. DD has just been diagnosed with Autism at age 14. If I'd waited for CAMHS ( which I did access and got a response 6 months later saying we acknowledge you have referred DD then nothing further )
and waited for a psychiatrist appointment then waited for the ASD assessments, DD would have been aged 17 or more.
Instead I've gone into debt and put all the costs onto a credit card . That was a big decision for me, Im a lone parent with no financial back up and no spare money. But DD needs help now not in 3 years time.

Why are you dismissing it as “don’t like” when the reality is such situations are far beyond DC liking school or not?

Why are you persisting in claiming a child has to be in school to receive an education when it has been explained to you this is untrue?

For some school itself is the trauma. You do realise there are many more issues than bullying? The issues are varied but could include the sensory environment and unmet need.

OP’s DS has an EHCP, so he doesn’t need to sit on the normal waiting lists. Assessments such as from SALT, OT, psychiatrist and clinical psychologist could be part of the EHCNA without sitting on the normal waiting lists. And ongoing provision should be in F, so again he doesn’t need to sit on the normal waiting lists. Support via the EHCP is based on needs, not diagnosis.

Because no lt everyone can or does do that. Many people learn in different ways, and not everyone will get over being treated as callously as you suggest.

a) because they receive the support they need.
b) not everyone needs to work in an office/factory/outside the home
c) many with significant additional needs actually aren't able to work full time whether they attend school or not.

For neurodiverse kids the environment of school can just simply be traumatising.

Too noisy, too unpredictable.

Especially autistic children who have masked and then go on to experience autistic burnout.

What tends to happen is that autistic children are expected to adapt rather than the setting. It's a bit like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

@SalmonKnicks many kids that become school refusers can turn things around and succesfully attend colleges and universities which helps set them up for working too. And why couldnt they work from home as do many of us do now anyway?
Being goady doesnt mean you're right.

It is clear from your posts on this thread you don’t have experience of SEN or the SEN system, so with what expertise do you make such bold claims when experts disagree with you as do those who actually have DC in this situation?

So tell me how forcing a child who can't be in school helps with any of that? When we know it makes children worse being in the wrong environment ? Children can't learn if they are in panic mode.

Why should mainstreams schools have to cope with traumatised children who shouldn't be there because the school can't meet their needs?

How will these traumatised children be well enough to get jobs, because rather than having educated and adjusted young adults in the workforce you are going to have uneducated traumatised kids if we carry on forcing children to do what they can't.

What makes you think a child not attending school doesn’t interact with more than just their parents? DS1 has EOTAS but interacts with more than me and DH.

My DD has EOTAS and she has direct contact with 6 - 7 different individuals a week.

She also plays sport and interacts with 3 different teams in the sport she plays.

Many EOTAS children interact with home education groups.

So many assumptions and prejudices about our children!

@SalmonKnicks but people are all different. Some work from home, some dont. Some attend school all their life and an education is wasted on them. Some have less than ideal home lives but go on to do great things. Some have mental illness but get by, some have absolute privilege and only just get by in life. We are all different with different capabilities and needs and attitudes and upbringings and so many other inputs that affect our lives and choices and outcomes.
One size does not fit all and so it is with schooling.

Would you suggest just “getting on with it” to someone with a physical disability in a wheelchair who was unable climb stairs at school? Would you say making SEP for them was “indulging them”? Or is it only certain disabilities you discriminate against?

I was wondering how long it would take for you to mention resilience. Naomi Fisher wrote an excellent piece on that word. I will try to find it.

A child forced to attend a school which causes further trauma and where their needs aren’t met doesn’t learn anything.

Exposing a person to the wrong educational environment doesn't teach resilience at all. It doesn't teach.

It fails the child.

Guess you don't actually care if a child with disabilities receives the appropriate education for them though do you?

Children who are taught in the correct environment for them are given the tools to succeed as a adults.

Being shoved in a school which traumatises a child is failing the child. The opposite of teaching resilience.

But hey what do I know? I managed to get my 'refuser' well enough that he is now on 100% attendance at a mainstream selective college doing A - Levels and is planning to go away to university.

Here is a link to a twitter thread written by Naomi Fisher (a well regarded clinical psychologist with an expertise in SEN and trauma) on ‘resilience’.

This is so wrong.

There were more special schools until recently when they were shut in the name of 'inclusion'.

Not to mention that just because we have treated children like shit in the past doesn't mean that's a good reason to continue failing children.

I think you need to take your ableist views with you. They are frankly vile.