School Refuser

[VolvicAstronaut]

Hello.

First time posting, I’d very happy for any advice given.

My 12 year old has a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD

He has recently started a specialist school, at the moment he is only staying for 1-2 hours per day. He only went once this week (Tuesday) he refused to go the other days, we would never force him.

My partner, I and my other children whom are age 16 and 21 always praise him for going and sometimes come along to offer their support. We always tell him how proud we are of him, I’ve even tried to bribe him with more Lego sets, he is a huge fan of the sets but nothing seems to work.

Staff have said that he needs to start attending regularly, and from Monday he needs to start coming every single day. We fought for an EHCP, school is a well known SEN in London and we all believe once he gets settled; he will do very well academically.

He is very quiet boy, prefers to stay in his own room, He always has been. Will only speak if spoken to, prefers to spend time at home building Lego or on handheld console.

Doesn’t like to attend family events, days out and holidays; which I’m very sad about because we have no choice to leave him behind, with my mum.

He is no trouble; it’s all and it just makes me so sad that he is different from my children, and I’m constantly having to explain myself to family members and friends why he is not with me. I really wish he was like my other kids, although I love him dearly, but it’s almost as if he doesn’t fit in our family as much as we try and encourage and include him in everything.

AIBU for feeling like this?

Would it be unreasonable of me to explain that he needs to start attending school everyday? Even though I know school and even leaving the house makes him very anxious.

No one is saying forget the needs of siblings. No one at all.

He only feels safe at home or at my mums house.

OP could your mum attend with him if she has time. And slowly and. gradually reduce her time settling him in.

Dh and I both work full time to afford our home and lifestyle. cars, bills, food etc

So you'd put your lifestyle above your child's welfare.

I see.

We had to make some life style changes to begin with. Otherwise we'd have had a dead son.

I do now work again with the EOTAS arrangement in place for my daughter.

I guess it comes down to priorities in the end.

Nothing to do with realism.

I see. You ignored every other part of that sentence and picked out one thing.

Yes my amazing lifestyle of schoolclubs, football, swimming (All for the kids mind) kids clothes, shoes, schooltrips. Sorry I didnt think anyone would assume a lifestyle would mean holidays, nightsout and takeaways! It doesnt for me and my family. They are treats.

Also when did you recieve these packages? Did you ring up Cahms/LA and they were sorted within a few days?

s.19 provision must be provided as soon as it becomes clear DC will miss 15 days, the days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive.

Of course EHCP provision takes longer, but that’s not a reason not to pursue it.

Siblings of DC who have EOTAS via an EHCP or s.19 provision still have clothes, shoes, go on school trips, and go to extracurricular activities.

It’s madness to indulge this stuff but some households are able to and do. Some simply wouldn’t be able to

It is quite clear that you have never, happily for you, been in a position where you haven't got a choice.

I mean how do you think families on low incomes with very sick children cope, or children who have life threatening illnesses?

Sadly part of parenting involves a risk that any of these things could happen.

I think there is a fair amount of ableism going on on this thread.

CAMHS wrote a letter to say it would harm my child to be in school yet you think he should have been sent in?

Others on here have said their child's psychologists have said that sending children to school in this situation would cause the child to experience trauma.

Yet you think, despite all of this, it is a choice?

Meeting a child’s needs arising from a disability isn’t indulging them. You wouldn’t say the same about meeting the needs of someone with a physical disability.

What is madness is causing further trauma.

I think that when you've tried for years to get your child to school and they are on a regular basis:

• crying inconsolably to the point of vomiting
• begging and pleading with you
• clinging to the banister/door frame/railings
• screaming
• physically shaking
• unable to speak
• rocking in a corner

then you have to start to think that there is a problem that will NOT BE SOLVED by continuing to force them to go.

I'd rather sell my house and live in a skip than have to put my child through this again.

And I'm not the only one.

It would be great if posters could just try to listen and learn about what it's like to be in this situation.

And yes to the poster who asked I accessed CAMHS quickly. Yes I did. He was actually diagnosed with autism in 5 months given the severity of the mental health issues he was facing.

There are long waiting lists but if a child is in crisis they can be bi-passed.

He couldn't access formal learning for a period of time but he could and did start to access theraputic assessments and care.

Home and hospital tuition (AP was available very quickly) although my son couldn't access it due to the severity of his mental health needs.

As @FloatingBean said the law says 15 days. LAs do like to break the law, but they are legally obliged to educate when a child can't be in school.

I'll also never understand why it bothers other people so much if my child/another child is too traumatised to be at school. Why feel the need to say that a child is being indulged when you know nothing about their situation?
How does it actually affect you? It doesn't, so why bother passing comment, knowing that you are going to upset people or cause an argument? That's just being mean for the sake of it.

Absolutely. .

It would be nice if people would try to listen rather than say we just didn't try hard enough.

I suspect the posters think we are all weak parents of naughty kids tbh.

Drives me nuts.

my child is starting EMDR therapy for PTSD in a few weeks time. Trauma caused by years of trying to get her to school. She was recently diagnosed as autistic too. I had no idea at all she could be autistic, I have no other DC so nothing to compare to. I've been a lone parent since she was 3, ive always worked full time 45 hrs a week. No gp, nursery, carer or teacher has ever said 'could she be autistic'? Until she started refusing to go to school 18 months ago.
She could have had such a different childhood if I'd had any inkling. I mentally beat myself up about the things I used to think about her most days.

I mentally beat myself up about the things I used to think about her most days.

I think this is common.

I have some serious regrets that I listened to people who told me there was no other way to educate than in school and told me that he'd come to nothing if he didn't go.

But all we can do is do the best now. Society is terrible with children with autism. Schools think that if they do a social story or if they do a visual timetable they can solve the anxiety that comes with school. They just can't. The amount of pressure put on parents to push their kids when it is harming the kids is enormous. We can see it on this thread.

I really hope the EDMR works with your daughter and things slowly improve.

Then you are in a minority. Im seeing children and families falling apart waiting for Cahms. Families spending thousands to have their child diagnosed privately and then paying for medication. This is where I say realistic. This does not happen for every child.

I agree our schooling system does not work. But after seeing so many school refusers I see which families can move heaven and earth (Don't work, have money) and those who have to drop them at the office door and leave (Low income, need to work) I'll be honest, its the parents who drop and run I really feel for. Halfway through the term and we're proud of how our kids spend more time in lessons than out. Maybe I should just be proud that I work at a really supportive school!

My DS found secondary school very traumatic and became a school avoider. Emotionally Based School Avoidance is very, very common amongst Neurodivergent children.

If you are on Facebook there are a two useful groups that will help you realise you are far from alone. I found a lot of support on Not Fine in School and Missing the Mark.

DS started school refusing last year, June/July time. Suspected ASD, waiting for assessment, very high anxiety. Now has a place in a special unit, very hard to get him there for 30-40mins twice a week, now we're being asked to get him there 5 days a week for 1.5hrs. Don't know how to do it. Don't know how to work around it if we manage it. It all seems impossible.

He won't do schoolwork at home. DH & I need to work - the only reason we're managing is we both work from home and I have a very understanding and flexible employer. DH just fits in work as best he can with the result he earns very little.

I don't know what to do tbh. Life is a nightmare right now.

Support in EHCPs is based on needs, not diagnosis, and doesn’t require DD to sit on the normal waiting lists.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair You cannot be compelled to organise, facilitate or deliver provision even if that means the LA have to fund someone to do so. It is far more likely to be can’t rather won’t and the provision needs amending and more support given so DS gets to place where he can. Does DS have an EHCP? If so you need an early review. If not you need to apply.

Are you claiming everything you are entitled to?

Hi OP, I was a school refuser and also have anxiety and OCD. When I went to school the teachers were awful and were quite cruel to me considering my eventual diagnosis. my mum was told by the dr, who were pretty good tbf that I had to go because if I didn’t I would go out less and less and eventually never leave the house. This started to happen. My mum used to leave me at the door cry. She said it was the hardest thing, I was 15/16 so not a little child either. I was glued to my mum I used to follow her to the toilet. I used to cry but I wasn’t the sort of kid to go mental and lash out/run off etc so when my mum left me I wasn’t a danger to myself (just saying because not everyone is the same) but I think purely from my own experience if you possibly can leave him then do, if you know the school will look after him and he will have support then walk away. I remember my mum leaving me but I knew she was trying to help me and that she loves me I didn’t hold it against her. Get him a proper psychiatrist and ask them about OCD treatment. I’ve been very successfully treated with medication. Inbox me if you would like to ask anything more I really don’t mind. OCD is crippling I feel for your son so much and you and your family. It’s hard to watch I know my mum and family have suffered and still worry so much about me and I’m 38 with 2 kids. Just to add I am not autistic but ADHD runs in my family but I don’t believe I have it.

@FloatingBean That's something we need to chase up and find out what's happening - though we're in Wales so it's not called an EHCP.

We're waiting for the outcome of a social services assessment. Something else I should chase up.

And we're not claiming anything. We need to look at UC as DH is earning next to nothing, but there's things there to sort out. Everyone says DLA, we'd have a better chance when DS is diagnosed - hopefully there's not too long to wait as it was agreed by the ND team, after a lot of work by the school, to assess him sooner.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair The same principles apply with an IDP and provision for those unable to attend school, parents can’t be forced to organise, facilitate, deliver the provision.

DLA is based on needs, not diagnosis, don’t wait to apply. Use the Cerebra guide to complete the form.

That sounds truly awful.
You always, always take a cue from your child. Never judy do things to the’ for the sake of it.
That is quite distressing to read actually. I expect school to put a child through that but not a parent.

My child has never had the desire to communicate with people online via video games but his time on there is certainly limited. As he’s growing up, he’s come to appreciate the time limits and applies them himself. He sometimes cuts the time even shorter than he’s allowed to go outside for fresh air, draw, play music, etc
He’s always known himself from quite a young age though, and he’s willing to try and push himself because he’s always known if I don’t spot first that he’s about to have enough, he can tell me and we’d stop.

I do appreciate every child is different but I believe giving them the chance to test their own boundaries and push themselves safely is important.

OP, my friend’s DS is currently home educated while they await a SEN placement. They sat down and narrowed down providers he wanted to use to study from home. He’s chosen the best for him for all the subjects.

He’s enjoying doing the lessons from home. Like your DS he plays a lot of video games but plays them during his break and after school hours. He’s really, really struggled at school but things are looking up. They’ve not managed to find him a social group because he’s not enjoyed any of the ones they’ve visited. They’ve left that part for now.

You know your son best do work with him to find what suits him.

It's time as well, and I know it's meant to be an emotionally draining form to fill. 9am to maybe 12.30/1am is taken up with working and looking after DS - he can't go to sleep on his own, so I'm upstairs with him from 8pm until whenever, atm after midnight, (need to speak to GP again about the sleeping, last time I spoke to them they seemed to be pretty much washing their hands of DS completely.)

DH looks after DS while I work, then I take over when I finish, DH is often working until midnight now, as I'm not finishing until 5.30 or 6 because of having to take time out to take DS to the school, or a group he goes to - ideally I'd stay home and work and DH would take him on his own but then DS wouldn't go to anything.

I've long been at the point where I don't have the energy for anything else. I have no hobbies anymore, and I had loads. I barely even get to read. One by one I've just had to give up everything. Can't even keep the house tidy - and the social worker kept asking about if we need help with that when I kept saying it was the meltdowns and sleep we need help with, sort that out and we can sort the house out ourselves. I assume that help isn't there as it was just 'we could get you help with storage'. Great, but what I want is not be hurt by my son anymore.

Sorry, that turned into a rant.

I have spoken to GP & primary care mental health service about my mental health, and was told to try mindfulness. And that it's really important I make time for myself.

@HikingforScenery you appear to be misinterpreting mr post.

That was during school hours, which is exactly what you , and his school suggested!

interesting that it’s what you advised OP but me doing it is ‘truly awful’.

Very nice bit of parent bashing right there ,I hope it made you feel better .

My son is now fine, because I stopped listening to people who don’t know the fuck what they are talking about , which included the school .

Despite the fact i allowed him to game and play Lego in school hours while he was Ill he went on to do fantastically in his GCSEs and is predicted A* AA in a level which he is doing at a main stream college with 100% attendance .

it may come as a shock to you but it isn’t compulsory to learn between 9-3. It can happen at any time of the day.

For children with anxiety related demand avoidance and for PDA children demand is anxiety inducing. Giving those children access to learning rather than set times and strict timetables is far more effective when they are in crisis.

I think he needs to make steps to going in regularly and know that's the expectation. He must get up and ready in time to leave on time, and you can assess from there. If okish try to turn up on time, then if he's panicking, perhaps a member of staff can come out and talk to him. Or he can be reassured he only has to go in and straight out again, or in for an hour etc. I feel like a lot of children with anxiety would become habituated to bedroom with comforting activities and screentime and school instead would be a very alarming alternative. Is he getting help for his OCD?