School Refuser

[VolvicAstronaut]

Hello.

First time posting, I’d very happy for any advice given.

My 12 year old has a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD

He has recently started a specialist school, at the moment he is only staying for 1-2 hours per day. He only went once this week (Tuesday) he refused to go the other days, we would never force him.

My partner, I and my other children whom are age 16 and 21 always praise him for going and sometimes come along to offer their support. We always tell him how proud we are of him, I’ve even tried to bribe him with more Lego sets, he is a huge fan of the sets but nothing seems to work.

Staff have said that he needs to start attending regularly, and from Monday he needs to start coming every single day. We fought for an EHCP, school is a well known SEN in London and we all believe once he gets settled; he will do very well academically.

He is very quiet boy, prefers to stay in his own room, He always has been. Will only speak if spoken to, prefers to spend time at home building Lego or on handheld console.

Doesn’t like to attend family events, days out and holidays; which I’m very sad about because we have no choice to leave him behind, with my mum.

He is no trouble; it’s all and it just makes me so sad that he is different from my children, and I’m constantly having to explain myself to family members and friends why he is not with me. I really wish he was like my other kids, although I love him dearly, but it’s almost as if he doesn’t fit in our family as much as we try and encourage and include him in everything.

AIBU for feeling like this?

Would it be unreasonable of me to explain that he needs to start attending school everyday? Even though I know school and even leaving the house makes him very anxious.

But in practice that child needs to be at school so he doesn’t miss education and socialisation and so his parents can be at work

No he doesn’t. Education and socialisation is possible without attending a school. This happens long term for many DC across the country, including my DS, with EOTAS packages via their EHCP when attending a school is inappropriate. It also happens shorter term for DC with an EHCP and without whilst they slowly get to a point where they can successfully transition or reintegrate into school.

DC whose parents work can still have EOTAS. Parents cannot be compelled to organise, facilitate or deliver provision in EHCPs even if that means the LA funding someone to provide the supervision. Some DC have a full time TA/PA/carer/mentor to provide the supervision and facilitate the delivery of the bespoke package.

This.

A child doesn't need to be in school to be educated.

Schooling is a form of education. There are many other forms of education.

Many home educated children end up in top universities and in great jobs.

No they don’t. They can be educated and prepared for work without attending a school.

The acronyms are common SEN acronyms:
EOTAS = education otherwise than at school
EHCP = Education, Health and Care Plan
LA = local authority
TA = teaching assistant
PA = personal assistant

My son didn't leave his room for 6 months when he was traumatised by school.

He didn't set foot in a school between the ages of 10 and 16. He's now got 100% attendance at 6th form.

My daughter is not educated in school because there is no school that meets need. She now plays cricket for the County. When she was in school she was so anxious that when she got home she couldn't engage in anything else other than going to school and not being educated because she was so anxious.

I think you have some very fixed views about the benefits of school. For many children school is great. For some it is not.

Because they are provided with the support, therapies and interventions they need in order for their needs to be met.

You do realise some with EOTAS packages re-enter schools and colleges at a later date and some attend university? And EOTAS packages can include working towards provision outside the home such as at an AP or accessing the community or sports or…

Although, working doesn’t necessarily have to be outside the home either.

Do you have evidence for this?

Most children whose educational needs are met in the right environment do much better than they would in school. That's my experience from others in a similar position.

You do realise some with EOTAS packages re-enter schools and colleges at a later date and some attend university?

This is a really good point.

My DS has re-engaged in 6th form.

Others I know have accessed colleges at 14 for maths and english as part of their package, or started apprenticeships at post 16. Or gone on to A Levels whether that be homed based or in a college setting.

My DD is aiming to re-enter at post 16, what that will look like isn't entirely clear at the moment.

Post 16 is very different form secondary school as the child has more of a say in how it looks.

The assumption that children who are educated otherwise (EOTAS) are being failed rather than being given the tools to succeed is completely incorrect.

EOTAS via an EHCP or s.19 provision doesn’t have to mean there is no routine and DC don’t get up in a morning.

A situation where a child with significant SEN and MH difficulties can’t do something or has significant struggles doing something because of their disability is far beyond someone who would “rather not” do something. It isn’t comparable at all.

EOTAS via an EHCP or s.19 provision doesn’t have to mean there is no routine and DC don’t get up in a morning.

Absolutely.

Contrary to what people would like to believe.

The assumption that children who are educated otherwise (EOTAS) are being failed rather than being given the tools to succeed is completely incorrect.

With the reluctance to acknowledge EOTAS can be a viable alternative you would think there were some LAs posting on here.

DS1’s EOTAS package is extremely structured. He can’t cope otherwise.

Just been through very similar with DD who is just 14. Turns out she is autistic.

With the reluctance to acknowledge EOTAS can be a viable alternative you would think there were some LAs posting on here.

Well quite.

I have a child with OCD. (Also Autistic and unable to attend school.) It is very hard and there are no easy answers. Well done for getting an EHCP and a Special School.
Yes from you have said your child may well be Autistic, and my opinion is that if that is the case, it is their right to have that identified (diagnosed.) Presumably there was an Educational Psychology assessment as part of obtaining an EHCP and it's does seem strange that Autism wasn't flagged up as an option. However I wouldn't see getting or not getting an Autism diagnosis as the key to getting more support. More that a diagnosis would help him, you, your family - and hopefully also the school - understand his way of being.
I think you definitely need to explore with your child support options for OCD for example different therapies and /or medication. However there are absolutely no easy options and in our situation we haven't found anything that my child is willing or able to participate in. Options that make sense for and work for an Autistic child may be different to those for a Neurotypical child. (So I do think that knowing your child's Neurotype may be helpful here.) Personally we didn't find the bigger mainstream OCD organisations very helpful.
School can be deeply traumatising for some children so I would be very against forcing a child in to school but I understand the dilemma. My child experienced extreme Autistic burnout and a mental health breakdown probably largely due to the sensory overwhelm of being in school.
I would definitely recommend learning more about sensory issues (eg not coping well with noise.) I think it can be hard for Neurotypical people to understand the level of distress that this can cause Autistic people.
What stands out from your post is how isolated you feel and also how you feel about your child and wishing him to be different. I really do understand those feelings but you do have to work on that yourself. He is who he is and he needs you to accept him for who he is. You are on a (very hard) journey and may need to overcome any sense of loss of your 'imaginary' child to help you start to truly value and honour the child he actually is. If you can afford therapy for yourself, I would really recommend that. There may be low cost or even free options. Also finding parents who are on similar journeys. Your local SENDIAS may be a start (google your borough and SENDIAS.) I love Ausome Training (but it is Autism specific.) Also the B Team. Keep looking and trying until you find people/something that works for you. Sending good thoughts to you and your family.

oh and feeling God is punishing you isn't going to help at all

@Sometimeswinning Are you a mental health professional?

Because my DS's psychologist has said that forcing him into school is traumatising and not to do it.

Nope. A realist.

Forcing a child to attend school at all costs doesn’t make anyone “a realist”.

Recognising sometimes forcing a child to attend causes further trauma and isn’t the correct response doesn’t make someone not a realist.

OP Dr Naomi Fisher is a well regarded clinical psychologist specialising in SEN (in particular neurodiversity), she talks a fair bit about EBSA, forcing DC to attend and the problems with that, trauma etc.

Education is compulsary, school is optional.

OP I don't understand how you can say he has never been assessed for autism because he's never shown any signs when your whole post literally describes an autistic person! Apart from the fact that anxiety, OCD and autism are often frequently comorbid you say:

Once he gets settled; he will do very well academically. He is very quiet boy, prefers to stay in his own room, He always has been. Will only speak if spoken to, prefers to spend time at home building Lego or on handheld console.
Doesn’t like to attend family events, days out and holidays; which I’m very sad about because we have no choice to leave him behind, with my mum.
He is no trouble; it’s all and it just makes me so sad that he is different from my children.

That is literally what an autistic 12 year old is like that would have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome back when that was a thing. He sounds exactly like my ds (accept he doesn't suffer with OCD or anxiety to such an extent). I can't believe no one, not even his SEN school have suggested it as a possibility.

I'm sorry I don't know what the answer is with school though.

In my situation 3dc. Dh and I both work full time to afford our home and lifestyle. cars, bills, food etc. My 7yo starts refusing to go to school. What do I do? Quit my job? Forget the needs of the other 2. Let my 7yo sit in her room all day with lego and a console? I cant do that. Im not saying some parents with a different situation could facilitate it but there are many who cant.

This is why I say realist.

DC whose parents work can still have EOTAS via EHCP and s.19 provision. Parents can’t be compelled to organise, facilitate or deliver the package even if that means the LA has to fund someone to do so.

But since you mention it many parents of disabled DC do have to give up work or go part time because of their DC’s needs. That applies whether the child goes to school or not.