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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum just barged in to home

189 replies

Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 16:42

Long story short - I come from a pretty dysfunctional family as in co-dependent bordering on narcissistic. I am mid 20s, getting married next year and have a baby on the way. My mum didn't take to my partner too kindly after we started to get serious (accused him of ruining her life because him and I moved together) and has had to apologise to him for things but there continues to be a very awkward relationship and I feel like we are always dancing on a volcano i.e. if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. I've been to a lot of therapy over it and trying my best to put in boundaries.

My DP and I bought a house together about 30 mins away from my parents last year and with jobs, life, work and now baby on the way I don't go down to my parent's house as much as they would like.

I had invited my mum to my house today for lunch and she said yes and then text earlier to say that she had a sore head and wouldn't be up so that was fine. I work from home anyway and took my lunch hour as normal. She knew I was going to be really busy today outside of my lunch hour as I text her this. My partner had to come home early because of the weather (admittedly took a break to spend some time with him in the bedroom) and whilst we're finishing lets say i hear a 'hello!!' from downstairs - my mum walked in through the back door.

I came down awkwardly and was like eh why did you not tell me you were coming you know I'm working to which she said she didn't have to tell me if i wasn't here she would've just driven on but she made a decision to drive 30 mins to my house out the way without telling me when she knew I was busy. My partner is annoyed too because he's like there's literally no boundaries and she just thinks because its her daughter's house she can pop by any time she wants.

I'm so angry at her just coming in and flicking the kettle on as if this is just her home and then just talking to me as if everything is ok and fine to do.

AIBU to be this upset at this? like I'm on the verge of tears with anger.

OP posts:
Escapetofrance · 10/03/2023 21:53

Lock the doors.

MavisMcMinty · 10/03/2023 21:59

MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 18:51

Now that is something I understand. That is a specific issue that you have. That you feel you must have your house perfect. But say you had just cleaned your house and it was indeed immaculate, and a friend knocked on your door, would you invite them in or turn them away?

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Heh, that would simply never happen, but I’d drag them inside delighted, while exclaiming “Gosh, if I’d known you were coming I’d have tidied up a bit!”

MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 22:10

MavisMcMinty · 10/03/2023 21:59

Heh, that would simply never happen, but I’d drag them inside delighted, while exclaiming “Gosh, if I’d known you were coming I’d have tidied up a bit!”

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Haha. "What, this old thing?", as they admire my brand new £300 dress. 😂😂 I know where you're coming from!

MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 22:11

PS. I DONT HAVE a £300 dress, Mavis.

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 22:12

SchoolTripDrama · 10/03/2023 21:21

I would never, ever walk straight into my parent's house! Talk about disrespectful, it's their home. I haven't lived there since I was 16

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You would be dying at my setup - 26 and 24 year old moved back home after years away lol, and no, I don't make them knock!!

MavisMcMinty · 10/03/2023 22:14

Exactly the same thing, @MarshaMelrose !

justasking111 · 10/03/2023 23:44

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 22:12

You would be dying at my setup - 26 and 24 year old moved back home after years away lol, and no, I don't make them knock!!

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I've been there. Son came home after six years abroad, set up his own business so dining room utilised. Then met future wife they both lived with us while renovating their home. Other son bought a house but wanted to live with us and rent it out. Third son university done is living away now with girlfriend they both turn up regularly and use my car. It's chaotic at times

Nedmund · 11/03/2023 02:35

You need to break the cycle for you, your partner and baby. She will ruin your family unit if you let her.

Low or no contact and take back your key!

Dzmama · 11/03/2023 03:10

I'd move further away, if its at all possible. And yes, lock the doors and don't answer. You're busy, you are working, and you are a mom...if you don't put strong boundaries in place you'll be her doormat for forever.

Original poster
Rookiemama1 · 11/03/2023 10:22

SchoolTripDrama · 10/03/2023 21:16

@Rookiemama1 Did we really need to know that you were having sex and that you'd just 'finished' I mean was that added detail relevant to the story?

"We were upstairs and she just came barging in..." - So much quicker to type and doesn't make everyone cringe

lighten up 😂

OP posts:
letthemalldoone · 11/03/2023 23:51

justasking111 · 10/03/2023 23:44

I've been there. Son came home after six years abroad, set up his own business so dining room utilised. Then met future wife they both lived with us while renovating their home. Other son bought a house but wanted to live with us and rent it out. Third son university done is living away now with girlfriend they both turn up regularly and use my car. It's chaotic at times

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I used to be devastated when they went away - now I'm wondering if I'll ever get rid of them lol!!! (only a bit!)

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/03/2023 10:53

MavisMcMinty · 10/03/2023 18:42

I’ve turned away my very best friends from my front door when they’ve turned up unannounced, “just passing”. They don’t generally do it again.

Wtaf?

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 11:18

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 19:32

Mumsnet on a Friday night is hilarious. Genuine angry arguments over whether it's ok for your mom to come round without texting first GrinGrinGrin

Friday night, Tuesday morning, Thursday afternoon…. It’s the same on mumsnet all of the time 😂 I wonder how some posters get on in life!

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 11:20

Rookiemama1 · 11/03/2023 10:22

lighten up 😂

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It was a bit…. Year 11 over excited teen boy Op

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 11:28

@MarshaMelrose

do you have children? If so, I’m presuming they’re local and pop in when adding etc

I only ask because despite saying how “shocked” you are. You never actually say that your children do this to you!

MarshaMelrose · 12/03/2023 17:24

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 11:28

@MarshaMelrose

do you have children? If so, I’m presuming they’re local and pop in when adding etc

I only ask because despite saying how “shocked” you are. You never actually say that your children do this to you!

Just for clarity, I never said I was shocked, even though you've put it in quotation marks. I said I was surprised.

I have two adult children that no longer live at home. One lives not too far away. They both have keys and are welcome to come whenever they like. I've got home and one of them, having travelled a distance, was watching TV, having dumped his stuff in the bedroom and had a shower. It was a lovely surprise. The other one drops by when she likes. It's always a pleasure to see her. She doesn't need to make any appointment or pre-arangement to see either me or her father.

I have friends who pop by and l call in on friends. I have an elderly neighbour and I often go knock on her window with some cakes and go in for a chat.

I don't feel like any of this is outlandishly unreasonable behaviour.

Rumplestrumpet · 12/03/2023 17:36

My mum always had a key to my place and old pop by any time. But of course, she was hugely respectful of privacy and boundaries, recogised it was DH's house as well as mine, and only ever let herself in when it was prearranged. When the relationship is healthy and respectful of course you let your mum come over without a worry.

But it sounds like OP's relationship with her mum is not one of mutual respect, and so she is right to be annoyed by her mums behaviour.

OP I hope you now feel a bit more empowered to push back and hold on firm to those boundaries. Tell her you would prefer she check first before coming, and make it clear she is NOT to let herself in - its your husbands home too and he might be walking round in his pants (or without them!).

winningeasy · 12/03/2023 18:09

YANBU. She sounds like she has no respect for your boundaries. Head over to the Stately Homes thread for help and support dealing with narcissism and dysfunction

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 18:19

MarshaMelrose · 12/03/2023 17:24

Just for clarity, I never said I was shocked, even though you've put it in quotation marks. I said I was surprised.

I have two adult children that no longer live at home. One lives not too far away. They both have keys and are welcome to come whenever they like. I've got home and one of them, having travelled a distance, was watching TV, having dumped his stuff in the bedroom and had a shower. It was a lovely surprise. The other one drops by when she likes. It's always a pleasure to see her. She doesn't need to make any appointment or pre-arangement to see either me or her father.

I have friends who pop by and l call in on friends. I have an elderly neighbour and I often go knock on her window with some cakes and go in for a chat.

I don't feel like any of this is outlandishly unreasonable behaviour.

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He “dumped his stuff in the bedroom”. So he has a bedroom? Sounds like he’s staying rather than popping into see you

MarshaMelrose · 12/03/2023 18:47

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 18:19

He “dumped his stuff in the bedroom”. So he has a bedroom? Sounds like he’s staying rather than popping into see you

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He did stay. But it wasn't arranged. He just showed up. If he visits old school friends, he'll call in, say he's not stopping, whatever. He's welcome whenever he comes by.

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 18:58

MarshaMelrose · 12/03/2023 18:47

He did stay. But it wasn't arranged. He just showed up. If he visits old school friends, he'll call in, say he's not stopping, whatever. He's welcome whenever he comes by.

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Your adult son dropped in to stay the night but didn’t bother to drop you a line to say “mum, ok if I kip over tomorrow night?” Or even “mum I’ll be kipping over tomorrow)

if nothing else - rude (plus I’d want to get in his favourite food!)

How old is he?

do you not message one another? Call one another?

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 19:02

Close enough to pop by unannounced with the intention of staying the night

yet not close enough that he messages or calls you? 😐

MarshaMelrose · 12/03/2023 19:06

His early 20s, then, I guess. I think his plans changed at short notice so he decided to stay here. He just gets what he gets. We do message, both him and my daughter, although I prefer a phone call. They might tell me they're coming by - especially if they need to see me for something specific. But otherwise I have open house. My sister and my husband's siblings call in as well. Sometimes they say they're coming by. Sometimes on spec.
A quick chat and they're gone. It really brightens up our day.

MarshaMelrose · 12/03/2023 19:14

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 19:02

Close enough to pop by unannounced with the intention of staying the night

yet not close enough that he messages or calls you? 😐

I mean I can't remember all the details, it was probably 10 years ago. He was going out with friends for the weekend at the town next over from us. He came up with the intention at dossing at their house. There was a problem with the house and he decided he wouldn't stay. So he came over to ours.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/03/2023 19:17

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 18:58

Your adult son dropped in to stay the night but didn’t bother to drop you a line to say “mum, ok if I kip over tomorrow night?” Or even “mum I’ll be kipping over tomorrow)

if nothing else - rude (plus I’d want to get in his favourite food!)

How old is he?

do you not message one another? Call one another?

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If my adult children felt they had to call or text to tell me they were coming I feel I would have failed drastically as a Mother.

My kids are welcome day or night for whatever reason and they certainly don't need to call to book an appointment ffs.

I dont understand or know anyone who would think that way. Fucking weird tbh

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