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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum just barged in to home

189 replies

Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 16:42

Long story short - I come from a pretty dysfunctional family as in co-dependent bordering on narcissistic. I am mid 20s, getting married next year and have a baby on the way. My mum didn't take to my partner too kindly after we started to get serious (accused him of ruining her life because him and I moved together) and has had to apologise to him for things but there continues to be a very awkward relationship and I feel like we are always dancing on a volcano i.e. if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. I've been to a lot of therapy over it and trying my best to put in boundaries.

My DP and I bought a house together about 30 mins away from my parents last year and with jobs, life, work and now baby on the way I don't go down to my parent's house as much as they would like.

I had invited my mum to my house today for lunch and she said yes and then text earlier to say that she had a sore head and wouldn't be up so that was fine. I work from home anyway and took my lunch hour as normal. She knew I was going to be really busy today outside of my lunch hour as I text her this. My partner had to come home early because of the weather (admittedly took a break to spend some time with him in the bedroom) and whilst we're finishing lets say i hear a 'hello!!' from downstairs - my mum walked in through the back door.

I came down awkwardly and was like eh why did you not tell me you were coming you know I'm working to which she said she didn't have to tell me if i wasn't here she would've just driven on but she made a decision to drive 30 mins to my house out the way without telling me when she knew I was busy. My partner is annoyed too because he's like there's literally no boundaries and she just thinks because its her daughter's house she can pop by any time she wants.

I'm so angry at her just coming in and flicking the kettle on as if this is just her home and then just talking to me as if everything is ok and fine to do.

AIBU to be this upset at this? like I'm on the verge of tears with anger.

OP posts:
Calmdown14 · 10/03/2023 18:24

I don't think she's done anything that terrible here. She was invited earlier and did shout as she came in.

Is it really worth making a fuss over or just something to laugh about for many years to come?

Just lock the door next time or don't do it on bloody work time. Surely the phone could also have gone at any minute or a teams call you'd be expected to answer? I work from home but couldn't just disappear offline

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 18:24

@Rookiemama1 Would she really have just helped herself to a cuppa and not offered you and your DP one?!! That's rude AF.

Has she just walked into your house before?

Flossiemoss · 10/03/2023 18:26

Agree. But at least an hours drive. Apparently 30 minutes isn’t putting her off.
i’dconsider the other end of the country tbh.

BadNomad · 10/03/2023 18:26

MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 18:15

But she says her partner is annoyed too. So she's annoyed in her own right. It's not only walking in. But she's and just about everyone on the thread is annoyed if a family member calls round without an appointment. Do you never just pop in on your mum if you're passing? Does everything have to be pre-arranged?

Show quote history

No, I wouldn't call in unannounced anywhere. I don't know what people are doing and I don't assume my time is more important than theirs. Most people don't think it's ok to inconvenience others just because they feel like visiting.

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 18:26

Calmdown14 · 10/03/2023 18:24

I don't think she's done anything that terrible here. She was invited earlier and did shout as she came in.

Is it really worth making a fuss over or just something to laugh about for many years to come?

Just lock the door next time or don't do it on bloody work time. Surely the phone could also have gone at any minute or a teams call you'd be expected to answer? I work from home but couldn't just disappear offline

Would have been awkward having to turn the camera on!!! I couldn't be offline either, also wfh.

Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 18:28

I think your reaction is OTT, but I think both your partner and your mum are wrong. Your mum can’t barge yours and your DPs home when she doesn’t even like him, that’s not right. And he’s totally out of order being annoyed at you for it. Lesson learnt on keeping the door locked I guess, but I appreciate you shouldn’t have to.

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 18:30

BadNomad · 10/03/2023 18:26

No, I wouldn't call in unannounced anywhere. I don't know what people are doing and I don't assume my time is more important than theirs. Most people don't think it's ok to inconvenience others just because they feel like visiting.

Show quote history

I don't see the harm? If it's someone you're close to? I've dropped in to my sister's if I'm on my way back from somewhere. She is always genuinely pleased to see me. Another sibling I'd need to have a formal invitation and RSVfuckingP. I'd pop in to see elderly aunts, but they are of the generation where doors were unlocked and neighbours just wandered in without knocking. It wasn't perceived as rude - it was just the 'country' way, and the reason why doors were left unlocked in the first place.

If you call to someone's house and they're busy - no harm done. You just leave again?!

SoShallINever · 10/03/2023 18:30

I'd be a bit miffed but not angry.
Make sure your DP isn't pouring petrol on this and making it out to be worse than it is.
I know if I ever fell out with my family DH would do everything in his power to help her the rift, not add fuel to it.

MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 18:32

Verylongtime · 10/03/2023 18:18

Eh? Of course not! It’s not an “appointment”. It’s checking if they are around, available, the time suits, if they have something else planned for that day, etc. I give mine several days’ notice - because they live five hours away.

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It's not likely you're going to be just passing if they five hours away so of course you'd make prior arrangements if you're doing a five hour drive! But I can't get with the idea that you're passing by your mums and you wouldn't call in on spec. If they're busy, you just leave.
I know people do pre-arrange things but I never heard that you must pre-arrange things before seeing family members and friends.

Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 18:32

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 18:30

I don't see the harm? If it's someone you're close to? I've dropped in to my sister's if I'm on my way back from somewhere. She is always genuinely pleased to see me. Another sibling I'd need to have a formal invitation and RSVfuckingP. I'd pop in to see elderly aunts, but they are of the generation where doors were unlocked and neighbours just wandered in without knocking. It wasn't perceived as rude - it was just the 'country' way, and the reason why doors were left unlocked in the first place.

If you call to someone's house and they're busy - no harm done. You just leave again?!

Show quote history

Did you read the OP? They very clearly aren’t close enough for this and her mum doesn’t like her DP, who’s home it also is.

Hartlebury · 10/03/2023 18:34

*You can't just call round to see your mum without making an appointment?

Good lord.*

I could, but out of general common courtesy and the fact that she has a life and a husband and things she does, I'd message her first.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

BadNomad · 10/03/2023 18:35

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 18:30

I don't see the harm? If it's someone you're close to? I've dropped in to my sister's if I'm on my way back from somewhere. She is always genuinely pleased to see me. Another sibling I'd need to have a formal invitation and RSVfuckingP. I'd pop in to see elderly aunts, but they are of the generation where doors were unlocked and neighbours just wandered in without knocking. It wasn't perceived as rude - it was just the 'country' way, and the reason why doors were left unlocked in the first place.

If you call to someone's house and they're busy - no harm done. You just leave again?!

Show quote history

You don't care that people have to take time out of whatever they are doing to either entertain you or explain to you why right now isn't convenient? I think that's rude, personally. There is zero need to land on someone's doorstep and make them have to decide how to deal with you. You're basically saying "I want to visit you, so you're just going to have to deal with it one way or another."

CarolDunne · 10/03/2023 18:35

Sugargliderwombat · 10/03/2023 17:01

People who work from home have sex on work time in the middle of the day? 🤣🤣🤣

YES

11am quicky or lunchtime romp

ijustneedanamefgs · 10/03/2023 18:36

She’s your mum, why does she have to ring first? Appreciate her before you don’t have her. I wonder if she doesn’t have reason to dislike your partner and maybe he’s the issue. Why’s he giving you grief just because your mum calls. Fair enough she maybe should have knocked, but your door is unlocked. My in laws walk straight in here if the door is unlocked, doesn’t bother me.

BadNomad · 10/03/2023 18:36

And your elderly aunts are from a generation where women were told to be nice and polite and never say no to people.

swallowedAfly · 10/03/2023 18:38

Just a welfare check from me really as I'm a bit concerned no one has raised this.

Were there always issues between you and your Mum? Did you think your family was dysfunctional before you were with your partner or were you ok with being 'close'?

I am concerned just in case this is a case of your partner driving this and wanting to isolate you. If it's not that's fine but you can see how this could be a story where actually a woman has been convinced by her partner that being close to your family is abnormal and punishes her if her family call around by being annoyed and saying how disrespectful it is etc.

You are pregnant, you work from home and have increased distance with family. I was also concerned because your partner was 'annoyed' with you. You were having sex a few minutes before, annoyed with you enough for you to feel it and feel you were 'in trouble' from both sides worried me especially as you'd just had sex and this should have been cause for giggles really rather than him being angry at you.

Do you have friends you still see regularly and a life outside of home? Do you still do things out on your own and with friends and is he encouraging of that?

Sorry to be a worry wart but this scenario could, whilst on the surface reading as a mum with no boundaries thread, be a very determined mum not letting her daughter be isolated by a man she suspects is, or is building up to, controlling and abusing her daughter.

ShippingForecastMeditator · 10/03/2023 18:38

You can't just call round to see your mum without making an appointment?

It's not 'making an appointment'. It's about healthy boundaries. How rude and entitled to think it's ok to turn up to someone's house unannounced and expect them to drop everything for you. Even mums have a life of their own you know, beyond the needs of their adult children. And vice-versa. I'm quite shocked there are people on here who don't seem to understand that.

MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 18:38

Hartlebury · 10/03/2023 18:34

*You can't just call round to see your mum without making an appointment?

Good lord.*

I could, but out of general common courtesy and the fact that she has a life and a husband and things she does, I'd message her first.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

I guess that's the key thing. Why is it considered discourteous to call round on spec? I

MavisMcMinty · 10/03/2023 18:42

I’ve turned away my very best friends from my front door when they’ve turned up unannounced, “just passing”. They don’t generally do it again.

Chickpea17 · 10/03/2023 18:42

Not to busy for sex tho

Bonbon21 · 10/03/2023 18:43

Lock your doors at all times..chain, bolt.. whatever means she cant just walk in.
And just because both cars are in the drive doesnt mean you are in... you could have gone for a walk, to the pub... be in a neighbours..
Firm up those boundaries!!!

Crumpetdisappointment · 10/03/2023 18:43

jsut tell her!
i hope you dont come round unannounced!
i said it to my dm
i would absolutely hate that, whatever I was doing

Original poster
Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 18:44

swallowedAfly · 10/03/2023 18:38

Just a welfare check from me really as I'm a bit concerned no one has raised this.

Were there always issues between you and your Mum? Did you think your family was dysfunctional before you were with your partner or were you ok with being 'close'?

I am concerned just in case this is a case of your partner driving this and wanting to isolate you. If it's not that's fine but you can see how this could be a story where actually a woman has been convinced by her partner that being close to your family is abnormal and punishes her if her family call around by being annoyed and saying how disrespectful it is etc.

You are pregnant, you work from home and have increased distance with family. I was also concerned because your partner was 'annoyed' with you. You were having sex a few minutes before, annoyed with you enough for you to feel it and feel you were 'in trouble' from both sides worried me especially as you'd just had sex and this should have been cause for giggles really rather than him being angry at you.

Do you have friends you still see regularly and a life outside of home? Do you still do things out on your own and with friends and is he encouraging of that?

Sorry to be a worry wart but this scenario could, whilst on the surface reading as a mum with no boundaries thread, be a very determined mum not letting her daughter be isolated by a man she suspects is, or is building up to, controlling and abusing her daughter.

No that’s fair and I’m sure other people have thought the same reading through this.

Don’t worry all good with me and DP, my parents and I had issues long before I met DP and I’d been to a few therapists about it before we even knew each other so the dysfunctional comment honestly comes from years of therapy rather than my partner in my ear.

i actually was in a relationship like that before but thankfully got out of it.

yes I meet my friends regularly, call to my granny’s a lot etc

I’m not saying my partners perfect (anyone who thinks their partner is is a red flag in my opinion) but genuinely from that point of view he’s grand but thank you for the concern x

OP posts:
MavisMcMinty · 10/03/2023 18:44

…I do it because I don’t like them seeing the mess. I like to have the place spotless, immaculate for visitors, then say breathlessly when they arrive “sorry ‘bout the mess”.

gamerchick · 10/03/2023 18:45

Sugargliderwombat · 10/03/2023 17:01

People who work from home have sex on work time in the middle of the day? 🤣🤣🤣

And wonder why their bosses want them back in the office.

For now, while you're stewing. Lock your doors. It's daft not too anyway with people walking in and just grabbing stuff. Then ignore the door if you're doing jiggy.