Mum just barged in to home

[Rookiemama1]

Long story short - I come from a pretty dysfunctional family as in co-dependent bordering on narcissistic. I am mid 20s, getting married next year and have a baby on the way. My mum didn't take to my partner too kindly after we started to get serious (accused him of ruining her life because him and I moved together) and has had to apologise to him for things but there continues to be a very awkward relationship and I feel like we are always dancing on a volcano i.e. if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. I've been to a lot of therapy over it and trying my best to put in boundaries.

My DP and I bought a house together about 30 mins away from my parents last year and with jobs, life, work and now baby on the way I don't go down to my parent's house as much as they would like.

I had invited my mum to my house today for lunch and she said yes and then text earlier to say that she had a sore head and wouldn't be up so that was fine. I work from home anyway and took my lunch hour as normal. She knew I was going to be really busy today outside of my lunch hour as I text her this. My partner had to come home early because of the weather (admittedly took a break to spend some time with him in the bedroom) and whilst we're finishing lets say i hear a 'hello!!' from downstairs - my mum walked in through the back door.

I came down awkwardly and was like eh why did you not tell me you were coming you know I'm working to which she said she didn't have to tell me if i wasn't here she would've just driven on but she made a decision to drive 30 mins to my house out the way without telling me when she knew I was busy. My partner is annoyed too because he's like there's literally no boundaries and she just thinks because its her daughter's house she can pop by any time she wants.

I'm so angry at her just coming in and flicking the kettle on as if this is just her home and then just talking to me as if everything is ok and fine to do.

AIBU to be this upset at this? like I'm on the verge of tears with anger.

The op doesn't have any issues about dropping things to entertain people. Her work's OK with her taking breaks during the day. Her mum said if she was busy she'd go away. I'm really surprised that people have to message people ahead of time and can't just pop by. I'm always pleased to see my family and them me. And if anyone is doing something or has other visitors, we'd normally say a quick hello and be on our way.

Keep doors locked!
Shows wfh is of benefit to everyone!😀

I don’t think it’s reasonable to call what your mum did “barging in”. It’s not that uncommon for people in the UK to pop round to good friends or family on spec, nor to walk in their unlocked back door. That’s a cultural norm for large sections of our society. It was how things were when I was growing up. It’s not how I live now, nor how my DHs family does things, but it’s that way for my DM still and my brother and several cousins. My mum would actually be annoyed at me if I made her answer the door instead of going round the back and walking in the kitchen,

It’s fine not to like it and want it to stop but you have to communicate it. And it may be tricky because it will feel like a slight to the people you try and put that boundary in place with as it is generally seen as a sign of trust and closeness. The way to start is probably to not be available when she calls round - depending on your comfort level you can allude to the fact you were having sex and want her to leave so you can continue and not walk in again in case that’s what you’re up to or, as a previous poster suggested, just tell her you have a meeting in 2 minutes/are in the middle of a meeting and she needs to go. Then chivvy her out of the house.

I think this is just one more step on journey of dissentwining your life from someone who feels more entitled to your time and respect than you wish to (or should) give them. You can do this, just as you’ve managed to take all the other steps to distance yourself and build up your resilience. It will just take a little steeling yourself and maybe some practiced lines to use when she oversteps.

You are married so how about having consideration for your Husband, who didn't sign up for all this intrusion by your Mum? It's your Mum that's the problem, not his Mum.

& Its time to get off your Mum's apron strings. Living just 30 minutes away from her - you'd have known this would cause issues. As you're the one who knows what she's like. PPs are saying lock your doors - but I bet your Mum has keys and that's why you're not addressing this point.

Take your keys back and if you cant face having a firm talk with your Mum then put in the work around learning to establish boundaries, theres help out there. & Move further away.

Now that is something I understand. That is a specific issue that you have. That you feel you must have your house perfect. But say you had just cleaned your house and it was indeed immaculate, and a friend knocked on your door, would you invite them in or turn them away?

People can do what they like during their scheduled breaks, and having sex during them is definitely not exclusive to WFH.

Turning up when someone is at work and expecting them to absent themselves at the drop of a hat, busy or not, meeting or not, is completely unreasonable and inconsiderate.

I tried to be nice to someone who was like this, fully expected me to take days off if they were bored... seemed off until I realised they saw my job as somehow imaginary, like I was being paid for nothing because THEY THEMSELVES have no self-discipline and would skive off. Thieves think the whole world steals.

You either set the boundaries needed, or you start burning through holiday, or you cannot do serious work from home.

It’s quite clear you were not on an ‘extended holiday’ during lockdown to actually think that’s what it was. Being furloughed from work was literally the most challenging time of my life. Just getting through post natal depression with a small child, husband at work so just the 2 of us for sometimes 13 hours a day, not to mention losing 20% of my pay, plus mourning the death of a family member who we buried not 2 weeks previously. Sorry it’s completely off topic but how rude are you to think that everyone that was furloughed enjoyed it. How small minded.

Don't you mean Sexi time?

I'm really surprised that people have to message people ahead of time and can't just pop by.

With all due respect - genuinely - no-one really cares if you’re surprised.

I don’t mind pop-ins either? But I get that other people do, and would appreciate a heads-up text before people visit.

Different people do things differently. It shouldn’t be that difficult to get your head around this concept.

My mum (who sounds similar to yours) has always been very weird about popping in to her children’s houses. It’s sort of half entitlement and half some sort of romantic fantasy about everyone sitting around drinking tea and chatting. She’s got no self awareness at all and doesn’t realise that she isn’t very interesting and is very irritating.

She’s always phoned and announced she’s coming to stay and then gone in a strop if any of us has been busy. Then she tells everyone who’ll listen that she needs an invitation to visit her children.

There’s a book called “Adult children of immature parents” that would probably be helpful to you.

Great - and thank you for understanding the spirit I asked in - defensiveness would have worried me even more

My family is dysfunctional too and I've only recently had to deal with yet another complete over stepping of boundaries so I shall bow out in case I risk spilling all of my frustrations on your thread.

Take care of yourself and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy.

Clearly the op can take a break whenever she wants. She 'took a break' to have sex. Surely she can take a break to have a cuppa with her mum? If her boyfriend didn't live with her, would it be OK for her to take a break to have sex with him?

And her mum said if it was inconvenient, she wouldn't stop. Seeing as neither activity was pre-planned and both happened around the the same time of day, I don't understand why you're so angry over her having a cup of tea with her mum but not about her having sex with her boyfriend.

People who haven't been abused by their parents always think people who were abused by their parents are so stupid but then you are the same people who say things like "but it's your mum! 🥺" when we were little kids trying to tell you adults what is happening.

That's the truly baffling thing here.

I would not be thrilled at someone letting themselves in my house without a heads up - I do sometimes arrange to see my WFH daughter when she logs off for lunch, at her suggestion or mine, and I would always ring her doorbell, though we have a set of keys.

However, the thread title of ‘Barging in’ suggests something much more combative, elbowing you out of the way, insisting on going in despite being refused. Lock your doors if you are going to be otherwise occupied upstairs.

I don't care what anal people like you think. I wouldn't do it with anyone else. I have another nonogenarian aunt, and I'd never dream of just popping in to see her. I don't know why you fail to understand that different people do things different ways. I'd usually call with my elderly aunts on spec because I tend to do it if I am in the area, and I won't know whether I will have time to call depending on business requirements.

I'm actually laughing out loud (genuinely) at the idea of one aunt being, "nice and polite" - she's the most blunt, outspoken person I know with absolutely zero filters, but she's kind-hearted and funny. She always tells us that we've put on weight; she has suggested I wear some form of shapewear, and told I look better with my glasses on than off - she cracks me up!!

You can't just apply your narrow worldview on everyone. Trust me, none of my aunts would have a problem saying so if it wasn't convenient. They live on their own and are always welcoming, their houses are always immaculate (and their gardens), the kettle is always on and they always have something nice to eat - because they are used to unexpected visitors.

Wise up.

You're the one who can't see why anyone would be bothered by unwanted visitors but I'm the narrow-minded one? Ok...

So why aren't you telling the person I replied to that no-one cares if they're shocked? Why is it just my reaction that needs pulling up.

It's a forum. The op is asking for opinions of whether people agree with her or not. I'm guessing, therefore, she expects differing responses. The poster replied to my previous post so I replied to them. Why aren't you telling them they shouldn't be shocked that I think differently?

Agree 100%

I understand and sympathise, I was lucky to be able to work all the way through and felt for friends and relatives who couldn't because for all the stress and sadness I know my job held me together and I am sure I'd have gone nuts without it.

I wasn't talking about people on furlough, though.

Most people who think WFH is watching TV and playing video games think that because they cannot conceive of it properly, which I get. You also get a smalll minority who think that because their lockdown WFH job was basically charity from their employer, and they spent the time at the beach or watching TV.

WFH is nice in some ways it isn't like you are hard done by, you get to commute for like 5 seconds, work in your pyjamas if you like etc you're absolutely living the dream, but this stubborn idea people are "not really at work" can really be a massive source of stress - it leads to people feeling entitled to turn up at your workplace and fuck with your work, which if you have had an NPD parent in your life the dream can become a nightmare - this is what I've experienced, someone actively creating bad situations for me and potentially threatening my career and livelihood for fun - which hopefully explains why I have a MASSIVE bee in my bonnet about people disrespecting other people's work time and the horrible spot it can put you in. Sorry if I seemed harsh

Yes you most certainly are. You can't wrap your head around the idea that everyone isn't the same as you, and you are the only one who is right here.

If you took the time to read properly, I said that there were some relationships where I would do this, and others not. I have a very close friend, with whom I'd have to make a prior arrangement to make a phone call. That's fine. I wouldn't arrive unannounced at anyone else's house bar the aforementioned.

I would 100% have called unannounced at my late parents' home and they were only too delighted to see us at any time. They didn't call with me, because they lived so far away.

Know your audience - it's not fucking rocket science!!

Locking all your doors should make your mother take notice of you because her actions are suggesting she's hearing but not listening.

Can I also add @Rookiemama1, you really need to get boundaries in place before your baby is born, because if not, you will soon realise you have only seen a glimmer of how possessive she is likely to get of your baby. I've seen it over and over, grannies totally overstepping because they love your baby too. My irritating MIL became infinitely more irritating when DC1 was born, only easing off when her precious DD had her DC.

Perhaps the best way to do that is arrange to visit your parents on your terms - that way you get to decide when you leave.

This happened to me in my late teens early 20s. I lived alone and like you have a very toxic relationship with my mum and family. As I had recently moved in and had 2 spare sets of keys I gave one to my mum and one to my sister (like you said it was a weird relationship that you keep even though it’s toxic) and my mum NEVER visited me nor my sister so never had to sorry.

my mum has always Hated my partner for no particular reason she can justify but unlike your mum, mine would never dare apologise for a thing!

Anyway one time my mum and I was not on talking terms but she was adamant I was up to no good so she gave my Grandma my keys who had dementia and didn’t know any better to come to my house (she would never do this and my grandma in her right mind would never just let herself in but she was no longer in her right mind).

my gf and I had set out plans to be together and enjoy ourselves this one day and that was the day my mum sent my grandma! Part way through my grandma lets herself into my flat and was stuck behind my second set of doors, luckily giving me time to throw on clothes and get to the door.

The door was chubbed and she couldn’t of been able to get through there anyway but I awkwardly let her in, briefly asked how she was and she was gone in no time! I was livid as she wouldn’t just ask for my keys, it’s not in her nature and every other time she would wait on the street expecting to see me out there and if she didn’t see me I wasn’t in so she continued on (dementia).

Everything was different about this day and knew it was my mum! I straight up asked her for my keys back! I didn’t say anything about what happened to give her gratification but from that day on I knew to always chub my door! (Btw my mum didn’t give my keys back saying she doesn’t know where they are and she was never given them!, she didn’t have them as she gave it to my senile grandmother!)

This was like the first year into my relationship and I had to set boundaries for my own sake because like you, your now in a state because of it. My partner wasn’t pissed as she just thought it was the innocence of my grandma but i knew better and she learned as time went on!

set those boundaries, regardless if you invited her earlier or not, she said she wasn’t coming and what you choose to do in your time is down to you. She knows your a full grown adult that has a life so lock that door and let her knock. My relationship with my family is so toxic that I would ignore that knocking and later say I was in the shower so didn’t hear or some other excuse but they also wouldn’t have been invited at any point either so would have been unannounced which I always say call first!

Sorry for my lighthearted joke. I know you're (probably) not OP's mum... I just thought this is so outlandishly unreasonable, what are the chances two people would have this view.

No, of course I never pop round to someone's uninvited, family or not. I do have one (older) neighbour who used to ring our bell sometimes because he "had a thought about our hedges" etc (just any excuse for a chat cos he was bored) and it used to drive me insane.

Even when we go and stay in a rented cottage in my in laws' village, we call or text before popping round for breakfast and vice versa. It's more comfortable all round.

Umm... I'm going to say not unreasonabke of you.

My parents and I walk into each others homes unannounced, but your home your rules and you have every right to set them in your own home