Mum just barged in to home

[Rookiemama1]

Long story short - I come from a pretty dysfunctional family as in co-dependent bordering on narcissistic. I am mid 20s, getting married next year and have a baby on the way. My mum didn't take to my partner too kindly after we started to get serious (accused him of ruining her life because him and I moved together) and has had to apologise to him for things but there continues to be a very awkward relationship and I feel like we are always dancing on a volcano i.e. if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. I've been to a lot of therapy over it and trying my best to put in boundaries.

My DP and I bought a house together about 30 mins away from my parents last year and with jobs, life, work and now baby on the way I don't go down to my parent's house as much as they would like.

I had invited my mum to my house today for lunch and she said yes and then text earlier to say that she had a sore head and wouldn't be up so that was fine. I work from home anyway and took my lunch hour as normal. She knew I was going to be really busy today outside of my lunch hour as I text her this. My partner had to come home early because of the weather (admittedly took a break to spend some time with him in the bedroom) and whilst we're finishing lets say i hear a 'hello!!' from downstairs - my mum walked in through the back door.

I came down awkwardly and was like eh why did you not tell me you were coming you know I'm working to which she said she didn't have to tell me if i wasn't here she would've just driven on but she made a decision to drive 30 mins to my house out the way without telling me when she knew I was busy. My partner is annoyed too because he's like there's literally no boundaries and she just thinks because its her daughter's house she can pop by any time she wants.

I'm so angry at her just coming in and flicking the kettle on as if this is just her home and then just talking to me as if everything is ok and fine to do.

AIBU to be this upset at this? like I'm on the verge of tears with anger.

You have to tell her that you do not welcome unexpected visits and you will not be available unless she agrees with you in advance. Not just texts you that she is coming, mind, but waits for you to confirm it is OK.

You then keep your doors locked and do not answer the door if she turns up without prior notice. Doesn't matter if your cars are there or she knows you are in. I'm sure your partner will be quite happy to go along with this since he is annoyed about lack of boundaries. If she phones you to say she's outside the house you don't have to answer the phone, either.

It will likely be pretty tough to enforce this at first because she is likely to resent it and make a fuss. You will just have to stand firm.

What's wrong with people popping by?

That's not how boundaries (and parenting) works.

OP has clearly explained what the issue is with it.

Is your mum on mumsnet, OP?

Op is Great With Dc. Doubt much flexi about her!
Sorry op but you are doing great
.. Plan of action needed before baby arrives.. Doors locked is a great habit anyway! Dp needs to back you. If she bangs on and on dp can tell her you are napping and she can ring you later.... He can be gatekeeper if you feel you can't be as assertive.. You need to be on dp's side on this so she can't get between you on this.

DP is pissed off at me now because there's no boundaries.

Tell him to try being supportive instead of judgemental.

You left the door unlocked. You were meant to working. You weren't. She is your mother. This is all your own fault.

But it's OK if people break off working to have sex? How are annoyed at her mum calling round for a cup of tea but not annoyed at the op for breaking off work to have sex?

Why are you being sarcastic? Do you never call around on your family without making an appointment?

Physical boundaries do help. She can't come in if she can't get in. A few wasted journeys then she'll learn to contact you ahead.

Why are you being sarcastic? Do you never call around on your family without making an appointment?

No? I'd message them first to check they were in for a start and to see if they were busy. You don't have 24/7 access to people when they're in their homes just because you're related?!

Good lord.

Move further away. If you can’t do that keep your door locked and leave the key in it if you don’t want her barging in if she has a key. Be tougher with her, you’re not a child anymore, you’re going to be a mother yourself now so she doesn’t ‘trump’ you in any way.

She invited her mum for lunch.
Her mum cried off.
Op took her lunch.
Op took time off in the afternoon for sex.
Her mum called round on spec.
Ops partner is cross because her mum popped by.

Her mum wasn't disturbing her work. The op isn't bothered about unplanned interruptions. The op is OK at taking breaks throughout the day. Her mum said if there'd been a problem, she'd have gone on elsewhere.
I don't understand why anyone but particularly family can't just call round if they're passing? And I don't see where the op has explained why it is a problem.

I totally relate OP! My mum doesn't live within "dropping in" distance, thank goodness (I moved farrrrr away for work opportunities), but she doesn't see me as my own adult self either and I'm learning to put in boundaries - it is so hard! The only advice I can give, is don't feel guilty. You're not wanting to 'hurt' or 'upset' her, you just want control over your own space and time and you had agreed with her that she would come another time after she cancelled on you. If she chooses to get 'upset' that you've made other plans with your own time, it's her decision as an adult. I second/third/forth, locking your doors and then if she shows up uninvited and knocks for ages, that's her decision and you don't need to feel guilty that she's made a choice. Good luck!

You can't just call round to see your mum without making an appointment?

Good lord.

Because it is not just the OP's house. It is her partner's house too and she isn't his mum. He doesn't have to be ok with people randomly walking into his house during the day.

I'm jealous of the relationship you have with your mum! It's clearly less judgemental and argumentative than the relationship I have with my mum (and than the relationship OP has with her mum).

One way to put in good boundaries would be to actually lock your doors. Next time it might not be your Mum who drops in unexpectedly.

Don't be tempted to give her a key either.

That should solve the issue.

Well if you leave your front door unlocked while you're em, otherwise engaged (or at all), you can't blame your mother for coming in it. As for putting the kettle on, I presume she was planning to make a beverage of some kind for all three of you. She equally did not know until she got to the house that your partner would be there.

Has she done this before? And if she has, it was on your and your partner to lock the door thereafter.

At least she knows now how "busy" you were with work.

But she says her partner is annoyed too. So she's annoyed in her own right. It's not only walking in. But she's and just about everyone on the thread is annoyed if a family member calls round without an appointment. Do you never just pop in on your mum if you're passing? Does everything have to be pre-arranged?

There does seem to be a generational difference here, I’ve noticed. I’m a millennial and sometimes an older aunt or other family member will show up at the family home because they’re “just passing”. I find it rude and think in this age of text messaging they should be able to check if you’re free before popping in. But it does seem more standard for the generation above.

Eh? Of course not! It’s not an “appointment”. It’s checking if they are around, available, the time suits, if they have something else planned for that day, etc. I give mine several days’ notice - because they live five hours away.

Bloody hell OP! You’re lucky it was just your mum who walked into your house!

Anyway, I know you think you have set boundaries, but you still have a long way to go. You say she would have knocked the door. Well so what? Let her do that. Still don’t let her in. If she gets upset/angry, that’s better than you being upset or angry.

I would step back from her a bit more. Tell her less, see her less, and stick to it.

Thanks for the replies on this. Personally I would never ever call to anyones house without a quick message to see if they’re about first I just think it’s good manners. My mum actually doesn’t like the fact that I do this. Ps for the poster who said she was likely to make a beverage for us all - definitely not! She sees my partner as a bad person who took me away from her in my earlier 20s (she’s literally said that). She doesn’t see it as my partners home. When we were renting before we bought she referred to the rented house as my partners and told people I just stayed up a few nights (even though we’d moved in together) and then when we bought it suddenly became my house just.

i don’t mind people calling in on a once off my brother done it a few weeks back and actually even then he messaged beforehand to say he was in the area could he call by so I honestly don’t mind it. It’s like the undertone of it like she believes that because she’s my mum she can drop in whenever and that should be ok.