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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum just barged in to home

189 replies

Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 16:42

Long story short - I come from a pretty dysfunctional family as in co-dependent bordering on narcissistic. I am mid 20s, getting married next year and have a baby on the way. My mum didn't take to my partner too kindly after we started to get serious (accused him of ruining her life because him and I moved together) and has had to apologise to him for things but there continues to be a very awkward relationship and I feel like we are always dancing on a volcano i.e. if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. I've been to a lot of therapy over it and trying my best to put in boundaries.

My DP and I bought a house together about 30 mins away from my parents last year and with jobs, life, work and now baby on the way I don't go down to my parent's house as much as they would like.

I had invited my mum to my house today for lunch and she said yes and then text earlier to say that she had a sore head and wouldn't be up so that was fine. I work from home anyway and took my lunch hour as normal. She knew I was going to be really busy today outside of my lunch hour as I text her this. My partner had to come home early because of the weather (admittedly took a break to spend some time with him in the bedroom) and whilst we're finishing lets say i hear a 'hello!!' from downstairs - my mum walked in through the back door.

I came down awkwardly and was like eh why did you not tell me you were coming you know I'm working to which she said she didn't have to tell me if i wasn't here she would've just driven on but she made a decision to drive 30 mins to my house out the way without telling me when she knew I was busy. My partner is annoyed too because he's like there's literally no boundaries and she just thinks because its her daughter's house she can pop by any time she wants.

I'm so angry at her just coming in and flicking the kettle on as if this is just her home and then just talking to me as if everything is ok and fine to do.

AIBU to be this upset at this? like I'm on the verge of tears with anger.

OP posts:
Sighdeeply · 10/03/2023 17:07

Middle of the day and pregnant. Meh the lady gave birth to you so can't get worked up about it.

changedusername190 · 10/03/2023 17:09

Either lock your doors or get a burglar chain fitted. They're really cheap to buy and fit.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/03/2023 17:10

My mum used to do this all the time. She once rang me on holiday being really nasty about how dare I go away for the weekend without telling her etc.

I didn't understand what her problem was about this until I found out that she regularly gave relatives the keys to my house to stay there when she knew we were not going to be there. I only found out because my sister thought it was so hilarious that they'd stayed there without me knowing.
I changed the locks.
I put up with the unpleasantness that followed and the nasty names I was called. It was bad, but not as bad as someone invading my house without warning.

Saturdayafternoonnap · 10/03/2023 17:10

Boundaries take practice. The key thing is to learn what is happening inside you when this happens.

You remind yourself what your core values are - so, privacy and space at home.

You look at what your mother wants, and check whether it breaches your core belief - she's bored, wants your attention on her terms. It is invading your space and privacy.

So, you put a boundary in.

I have to go through this thought process over and over, but it does work. Stops you feeling guilty and the boundary just becomes a tool you use.

TheMainWoman · 10/03/2023 17:10

You invited your mother round for lunch. She had a headache and cancelled. Then turned up at lunchtime anyway. I would not be angry about this.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/03/2023 17:12

Chooba · 10/03/2023 17:05

Flexi time Grin

Show quote history

I didn't know that's what it was for 😆 😊

Hadjab · 10/03/2023 17:16

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I struggle to comprehend how people don't lock their doors at all times. Even if you live in the safest spot in the land, at least it keeps unwanted and uninvited visitors (your mum) from barging in.

Hadjab · 10/03/2023 17:17

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/03/2023 17:10

My mum used to do this all the time. She once rang me on holiday being really nasty about how dare I go away for the weekend without telling her etc.

I didn't understand what her problem was about this until I found out that she regularly gave relatives the keys to my house to stay there when she knew we were not going to be there. I only found out because my sister thought it was so hilarious that they'd stayed there without me knowing.
I changed the locks.
I put up with the unpleasantness that followed and the nasty names I was called. It was bad, but not as bad as someone invading my house without warning.

Good Lord!

ConcordeOoter · 10/03/2023 17:18

Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 16:42

Long story short - I come from a pretty dysfunctional family as in co-dependent bordering on narcissistic. I am mid 20s, getting married next year and have a baby on the way. My mum didn't take to my partner too kindly after we started to get serious (accused him of ruining her life because him and I moved together) and has had to apologise to him for things but there continues to be a very awkward relationship and I feel like we are always dancing on a volcano i.e. if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. I've been to a lot of therapy over it and trying my best to put in boundaries.

My DP and I bought a house together about 30 mins away from my parents last year and with jobs, life, work and now baby on the way I don't go down to my parent's house as much as they would like.

I had invited my mum to my house today for lunch and she said yes and then text earlier to say that she had a sore head and wouldn't be up so that was fine. I work from home anyway and took my lunch hour as normal. She knew I was going to be really busy today outside of my lunch hour as I text her this. My partner had to come home early because of the weather (admittedly took a break to spend some time with him in the bedroom) and whilst we're finishing lets say i hear a 'hello!!' from downstairs - my mum walked in through the back door.

I came down awkwardly and was like eh why did you not tell me you were coming you know I'm working to which she said she didn't have to tell me if i wasn't here she would've just driven on but she made a decision to drive 30 mins to my house out the way without telling me when she knew I was busy. My partner is annoyed too because he's like there's literally no boundaries and she just thinks because its her daughter's house she can pop by any time she wants.

I'm so angry at her just coming in and flicking the kettle on as if this is just her home and then just talking to me as if everything is ok and fine to do.

AIBU to be this upset at this? like I'm on the verge of tears with anger.

It's an absolute fucking liberty and it is about time for people to understand this concept.

I find a lot of the older generation (and let's be honest a lot of younger people who are just a bit dim) don't understand and WFH and think it's dossing around because either they cannot conceive of the idea of WFH properly, or their job that doesn't NEED them to be productive was kind enough to pay them for an extended holiday during lockdown which they spent playing solitaire and eating wotsits in front of Jeremy Kyle.

I am not sure how they think businesses have kept afloat if everyone is ready to break out the tea and biscuits for a chat with mum on the clock, instead of treating their location as a place of work.

Lock your door, bolt your door. Ignore them knocking. Text them "at work. Let me know if there is an emergency and I will ask my boss if i can duck out". If you are seen through the window smile and give them a thumbs up, then go back to your work without getting up.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2023 17:18

So, lesson here is keep your doors locked. And if she sees your cars in the drive, ignore her knocking. She'll eventually go away. When she complains, ignore that too.

No one has to answer a door if they don't want to, no matter who comes knocking. I know MN really disagrees with that, but it's your home and you have the say in who enters.

With some people (ie your mum) you can talk until you're blue in the face about boundaries, call first, don't do XYZ and they're going to continue to do it simply because they consider it appropriate behaviour and you're 'being silly/stubborn/rude'. In these cases all you can do is protect yourself as best you can and ignore the shitshow.

Cocobutt · 10/03/2023 17:18

I don’t get why you would invite her around if it takes 30 mins to get there and you only had to spend an hour with her.

I do understand why you’d be annoyed but lots of people think it’s acceptable to walk straight in.

Do you walk straight in her house or do you knock?

I think I would let this one go and just lock your door future.
Tell her you’d rather she called ahead as you don’t want her to waste her time if you are busy.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/03/2023 17:19

Can I make a suggestion to you @Rookiemama1?

Firstly discuss with your DP beforehand so that you both know what is coming, but if your mother oversteps again like this, let him go ballistic at her.

Let him tell her she isn't allowed to just march into your home again. Like any guest in someone else's home, she is to phone before she sets off to make sure that you're actually in and that you're able to have her over. Even if you are both in or just one of you, if it doesn't suit you, you don't have to let her in "I'm sorry mum, you've caught us at an inconvenient time. Next time let us know you want to visit and we'll try to sort something out...ok bye now",

If she gets cross with you or starts to argue with you about it, walk away, close the door, ignore. Only good behaviour gets rewarded.

If she threatens to not visit, exactly how would that negatively impact you? I doubt it would, so she would be cutting her nose off to spite her face if she suggested that.

If she threatens not to call you, again, that to me is a win. You get the peace and quiet and you can crack on with getting things ready for your baby. It's a two way street and if she wants to know what is going on in your life, she has to follow the rules of the road so to speak.

Best of luck with the upcoming birth and with establishing sound boundaries.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/03/2023 17:20

Do you knock on your parents door when you visit?

ConcordeOoter · 10/03/2023 17:21

RAWR, big pet hate and an experience I share with you, OP.

My sympathy, but you really need to be a hard-ass with people who are like this.

"Is everything OK? I can ask my boss for some time off if needed."

Killingmytime · 10/03/2023 17:23

Sighdeeply · 10/03/2023 17:07

Middle of the day and pregnant. Meh the lady gave birth to you so can't get worked up about it.

Wtf?

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 10/03/2023 17:25

Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 16:59

DP is pissed off at me now because there's no boundaries. Feel like I'm running into a brick wall sometimes because I'm trying my best to put in boundaries.

You just text your mum "don't let yourself into our home, that's really not on mum. We cancelled today and you turned up at a time we hadn't agreed on. Next time text me to ask first. "

LampsWantLove · 10/03/2023 17:26

Just tell her straight that if she pops round uninvited she can knock until her hand bleeds you are not letting her in and mean it. You have to create boundaries but also enforce them. Feel free to open the door to her and tell her she isn't coming in and next time ring, or put a note on the door if you can't do face to face.

smashin · 10/03/2023 17:26

Sugargliderwombat · 10/03/2023 17:01

People who work from home have sex on work time in the middle of the day? 🤣🤣🤣

Isn’t midday usually when your unpaid lunch break is?

ancientgran · 10/03/2023 17:30

Maybe she thought because you'd invited her it would be OK. Is this the first time she's done it, does she normally let you know if she's coming over?

Agree with previous posters, lock your doors.

I don't walk into my kids houses but they all still have a key and just walk in here, I think they still see it as their home even though they have homes of their own.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/03/2023 17:30

LookItsMeAgain · 10/03/2023 17:19

Can I make a suggestion to you @Rookiemama1?

Firstly discuss with your DP beforehand so that you both know what is coming, but if your mother oversteps again like this, let him go ballistic at her.

Let him tell her she isn't allowed to just march into your home again. Like any guest in someone else's home, she is to phone before she sets off to make sure that you're actually in and that you're able to have her over. Even if you are both in or just one of you, if it doesn't suit you, you don't have to let her in "I'm sorry mum, you've caught us at an inconvenient time. Next time let us know you want to visit and we'll try to sort something out...ok bye now",

If she gets cross with you or starts to argue with you about it, walk away, close the door, ignore. Only good behaviour gets rewarded.

If she threatens to not visit, exactly how would that negatively impact you? I doubt it would, so she would be cutting her nose off to spite her face if she suggested that.

If she threatens not to call you, again, that to me is a win. You get the peace and quiet and you can crack on with getting things ready for your baby. It's a two way street and if she wants to know what is going on in your life, she has to follow the rules of the road so to speak.

Best of luck with the upcoming birth and with establishing sound boundaries.

Why on earth should she make this DPs problem rather than del.wuth it herself?

Talk about the cowards way out!

phoenixrosehere · 10/03/2023 17:32

Sighdeeply · 10/03/2023 17:07

Middle of the day and pregnant. Meh the lady gave birth to you so can't get worked up about it.

So because OP’s mum birthed her, mum is allowed to do whatever she chooses regardless of OP’s feelings and OP can’t get worked up about it? Pretty low standards there.

Neither my parents or my in-laws would just let themselves in regardless if the door was unlocked or not. In-laws don’t expect us to knock at theirs but we inform them when we are coming in advance so choose to leave it unlocked for us if they’re in, or leave the spare so we can let ourselves in if they’ve popped out.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/03/2023 17:33

Lock your doors and get onto Rightmove.

I'd suggest ten miles as a useful minimum distance to start from, preferably without on street parking but a garage for you.

35965a · 10/03/2023 17:34

If this keeps happening - the lack of boundaries - your relationship with your partner will suffer. He is already annoyed so you really need to address this with your mother before the baby arrives. IME people like her get way worse and more entitled when there’s a new baby.

smashin · 10/03/2023 17:34

it’s interesting how different the culture is in other areas of the uk. I’d never dream of leaving my entrances unlocked. Not only for security reasons, for social reasons too. At least with a locked door you can control who enters or not. I always have people over but at least I can get things ready before I need to open the door.

Even if the doors were locked but she had her own keys - your mum swanned in on you mid-fuck. That must make you feel so infantile considering you have your own place and are completely independent of her. She doesn’t live with you so doesn’t need unfiltered access to your home.

I also don’t understand why your partner is acting funny with you when she’s the one in the wrong. You need to act as a united front. You’re not responsible for her actions

ColdHandsHotHead · 10/03/2023 17:34

Lock your doors and so what if your cars are in t he drive? Don't answer her knocking. When she complains, you'd gone for a walk/were in the pub/having lunch in the nearest cafe/at a friends.