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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum just barged in to home

189 replies

Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 16:42

Long story short - I come from a pretty dysfunctional family as in co-dependent bordering on narcissistic. I am mid 20s, getting married next year and have a baby on the way. My mum didn't take to my partner too kindly after we started to get serious (accused him of ruining her life because him and I moved together) and has had to apologise to him for things but there continues to be a very awkward relationship and I feel like we are always dancing on a volcano i.e. if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. I've been to a lot of therapy over it and trying my best to put in boundaries.

My DP and I bought a house together about 30 mins away from my parents last year and with jobs, life, work and now baby on the way I don't go down to my parent's house as much as they would like.

I had invited my mum to my house today for lunch and she said yes and then text earlier to say that she had a sore head and wouldn't be up so that was fine. I work from home anyway and took my lunch hour as normal. She knew I was going to be really busy today outside of my lunch hour as I text her this. My partner had to come home early because of the weather (admittedly took a break to spend some time with him in the bedroom) and whilst we're finishing lets say i hear a 'hello!!' from downstairs - my mum walked in through the back door.

I came down awkwardly and was like eh why did you not tell me you were coming you know I'm working to which she said she didn't have to tell me if i wasn't here she would've just driven on but she made a decision to drive 30 mins to my house out the way without telling me when she knew I was busy. My partner is annoyed too because he's like there's literally no boundaries and she just thinks because its her daughter's house she can pop by any time she wants.

I'm so angry at her just coming in and flicking the kettle on as if this is just her home and then just talking to me as if everything is ok and fine to do.

AIBU to be this upset at this? like I'm on the verge of tears with anger.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 10/03/2023 19:30

It's so sad to read how many seem to have little or no relationship with there mums. Couldn't do without mine popping in whenever, all my siblings adore our parents and won't be first time a friendly squabble as to who's house she should come to first haha. Shame not all have that

BadNomad · 10/03/2023 19:31

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 19:18

Yes you most certainly are. You can't wrap your head around the idea that everyone isn't the same as you, and you are the only one who is right here.

If you took the time to read properly, I said that there were some relationships where I would do this, and others not. I have a very close friend, with whom I'd have to make a prior arrangement to make a phone call. That's fine. I wouldn't arrive unannounced at anyone else's house bar the aforementioned.

I would 100% have called unannounced at my late parents' home and they were only too delighted to see us at any time. They didn't call with me, because they lived so far away.

Know your audience - it's not fucking rocket science!!

Show quote history

You responded to my post where I said why I don't call unannounced. I think it's rude. I don't do it. I don't appreciate other people doing it to me. You are the one who said you don't see the harm in calling in announced. I don't give a shit what other people do with their relatives. I don't get why you're so angry about this. Am I not allowed to have a different opinion?

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 19:32

Mumsnet on a Friday night is hilarious. Genuine angry arguments over whether it's ok for your mom to come round without texting first GrinGrinGrin

Feelinglikeihadaboringnight · 10/03/2023 19:32

I like privacy so I wouldn’t want people wandering in.
If you think you might need help when baby arrives then move to somewhere with garaging and put the cars in there.OR ie hide
Move further away AND
Lock the door

BadNomad · 10/03/2023 19:34

I think some people are just getting offended that some people think their behaviour is rude.

MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 19:36

M08my · 10/03/2023 19:25

Sorry for my lighthearted joke. I know you're (probably) not OP's mum... I just thought this is so outlandishly unreasonable, what are the chances two people would have this view.

No, of course I never pop round to someone's uninvited, family or not. I do have one (older) neighbour who used to ring our bell sometimes because he "had a thought about our hedges" etc (just any excuse for a chat cos he was bored) and it used to drive me insane.

Even when we go and stay in a rented cottage in my in laws' village, we call or text before popping round for breakfast and vice versa. It's more comfortable all round.

Show quote history

Wait, what. It's outlandish to call to see anyone without an invitation? Outlandish?

Lavender14 · 10/03/2023 19:42

I agree with pps who said yabu for not locking your door. Easier to keep someone out than get them to leave and good it was your mum and not someone after your car keys!

I'm interested in what happened when you came down and said to your mum 'sorry mum, I told you what time I was free at and you didn't turn up, I'm working again now and it doesn't suit for you to be here. You should have checked ahead before you left as you knew I was going to be busy today. '

Did she leave or did you let her stay and have a cuppa? You set the boundaries for your own home and its up to you and dh to enforce those with guests. She can't push your boundaries if they are firm and consistent enough. I say this having taken a spare key back from my mum when she let herself into my home without permission or warning just to snoop. You can be sure that didn't happen a second time because I was clear with her it was unacceptable, kicked her out and she lost the privilege of having a spare key. We actually have a better relationship now because my boundaries are very firm and she knows where she stands and that I don't put up with any nonsense. It gets easier the more you do it and she'll only push back to see what you do.

Growlybear83 · 10/03/2023 19:45

I think your mum is unreasonable for just walking in, but I can't imagine not having my back door locked if I was not in the same room.

MarshaMelrose · 10/03/2023 19:45

LadyJ2023 · 10/03/2023 19:30

It's so sad to read how many seem to have little or no relationship with there mums. Couldn't do without mine popping in whenever, all my siblings adore our parents and won't be first time a friendly squabble as to who's house she should come to first haha. Shame not all have that

I think that's a good point. I'd never realised that people consider it outlandish to be happy to see your mum or your son or your sister without an invitation. But then I've already been told no one cares what I think so I guess I'll just carry on with my happily informal family and friend arrangements and being the only person who thinks that way! 😆

JudgyVonHolierThanThou · 10/03/2023 19:48

LadyJ2023 · 10/03/2023 19:30

It's so sad to read how many seem to have little or no relationship with there mums. Couldn't do without mine popping in whenever, all my siblings adore our parents and won't be first time a friendly squabble as to who's house she should come to first haha. Shame not all have that

What an utterly faux sad post.

Some of us have to do without our parents popping by because, as much as we’d love them to, as you do, they’re dead.

And yet other people have troubled relationships with their parents, that I’m sure, they wish were anything but.

Yes, it is a shame. But it’s not usually of the people’s choosing.

You couldn’t sound less genuine if you tried.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/03/2023 19:55

I'm with your DP here. You need to set firmer boundaries with your Mum.

She can't just waltz into your house when she feels like it! It's not just your house it's his too.

I've had to do similar with mine, but it works.

letthemalldoone · 10/03/2023 20:07

BadNomad · 10/03/2023 19:31

You responded to my post where I said why I don't call unannounced. I think it's rude. I don't do it. I don't appreciate other people doing it to me. You are the one who said you don't see the harm in calling in announced. I don't give a shit what other people do with their relatives. I don't get why you're so angry about this. Am I not allowed to have a different opinion?

Show quote history

Do you like to be called "rude" by some random stranger with a superior attitude? Would you ever go back and count how many "I"s are in your last post?

You literally cannot accept that some people do things differently, and that does not make them "rude".

Luckily I don't give a flying fuck about your 'opinion' but I'm still not going to sit back and be called 'rude' by someone who is clearly anal.

mumda · 10/03/2023 20:10

Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 16:59

DP is pissed off at me now because there's no boundaries. Feel like I'm running into a brick wall sometimes because I'm trying my best to put in boundaries.

Locked doors make good boundaries.

MotherOfDemonss · 10/03/2023 20:26

Rookiemama1 · 10/03/2023 16:51

The back door wasn't locked but to be fair she just would've knocked until I let her in, both our cars were in the driveway so she knew we were here

Show quote history

I don't get why you can't just keep the doors locked and leave her knocking. She knows she is violating your boundaries and until you lock her out and don't answer she will just keep shitting all over them.

Your DH is right to be pissed off at HIS home being violated and invaded on her whims.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/03/2023 20:36

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/03/2023 17:30

Why on earth should she make this DPs problem rather than del.wuth it herself?

Talk about the cowards way out!

Show quote history

Ok - my post was not meant to be interpreted that she make it only her DP's problem to deal with.

As the OP has said that her DP was frustrated with the way his MiL just barged in, my suggestion was that the OP and her DP have a discussion between themselves about what to do the next time (and it sounds like there will be a next time) and when that happens (with prior agreement between the OP and her DP) the DP goes ballistic (backed up by the OP) at the OP's mother.

It's not making it his problem, it's tackling the problem together following a discussion about how to deal with it.

It's the DP standing up for himself (backed up by the OP) and the OP would follow up with "Mum, you can't just barge into my home. You're going to have to leave. DP and I have plans."

Teaismymiddlename · 10/03/2023 20:38

Oh my goodness this EXACT same scenario happened to me.
Mine also has control issues and thinks she gets to have an opinion on every part of my life.

SO and I had only been dating about 4 months. One day he surprised me by turning up on a lunch break at work.
We went home and were in bed when he said are your taps running...

I went down expecting to find someone broken in, but it was said parent in my kitchen

I went down in a dressing gown and just styled it out and said sorry we were just upstairs having sex.

That was the last time she ever used her key and dropped something in just to be helpful 😂😂

AdoraBell · 10/03/2023 20:39

YANBU as pp said, lock your doors in future. Keep all doors locked while you are home.

Peachy2005 · 10/03/2023 20:45

Sugargliderwombat · 10/03/2023 17:01

People who work from home have sex on work time in the middle of the day? 🤣🤣🤣

Snow day today 😂…everyone WFH entitled to a “tea” break

justasking111 · 10/03/2023 20:54

We've always had open doors in our home, family, friends, kids friends. BUT always locked up if we were having siesta time together.

When the baby arrives this is especially important, feeding, napping. Even a message taped to the front door saying mum and baby sleeping.

SchoolTripDrama · 10/03/2023 21:16

@Rookiemama1 Did we really need to know that you were having sex and that you'd just 'finished' I mean was that added detail relevant to the story?

"We were upstairs and she just came barging in..." - So much quicker to type and doesn't make everyone cringe

marchella · 10/03/2023 21:17

My parents turn up unexpectedly all the time. They don't walk straight in as the front door has a weird combination lock thing. No problem it they did though. h And when I go to there's I walk straight in. Thought it was pretty normal. Don't walk go straight into their own parents houses? That's pretty odd to me.

SchoolTripDrama · 10/03/2023 21:21

marchella · 10/03/2023 21:17

My parents turn up unexpectedly all the time. They don't walk straight in as the front door has a weird combination lock thing. No problem it they did though. h And when I go to there's I walk straight in. Thought it was pretty normal. Don't walk go straight into their own parents houses? That's pretty odd to me.

I would never, ever walk straight into my parent's house! Talk about disrespectful, it's their home. I haven't lived there since I was 16

marchella · 10/03/2023 21:21

Gosh sorry for mangled language!

marchella · 10/03/2023 21:23

Well each to their own. We are close and it's what we've always done. You just yell out "hello ".

JudgyVonHolierThanThou · 10/03/2023 21:45

marchella · 10/03/2023 21:23

Well each to their own. We are close and it's what we've always done. You just yell out "hello ".

Right, but you get that other people do things differently? And that’s OK?

Honestly, these threads really do flush out the wilfully obtuse.