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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

382 replies

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

OP posts:
blubberball · 10/03/2023 13:16

Oh blimey. Can you make new friends? They sound awful, who does that?

BillyMack · 10/03/2023 13:17

As the old saying goes… Neither a borrower nor lender be. I’ve learned the hard way to never mix money and friendships so you are doing the right thing in saying no and not engaging.

Devonchills · 10/03/2023 13:17

So sorry for your loss. You need to distance yourself from this friend.
She doesn't sound very nice at all.

GreatContinental · 10/03/2023 13:18

if she is on a low income she can get the bulk of nursery costs met
send her a link

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 10/03/2023 13:18

You have a 'friend' problem.

I'm very sorry you lost your husband, the last months must have been truly awful for you and the grasping of so-called friends can't have helped. I'm surmising your husband had a level of fame from what you've said? It's also the only situation I can imagine people coming out with such greedy and selfish comments.

What does this friend bring to your life? I think you need to step back from the friendship and let it drop, sadly tragedy tends to shoe us who our true friends really are.

smellyflowers · 10/03/2023 13:19

I think you need to start moving in different circles

BellaJuno · 10/03/2023 13:19

I’m sorry for your loss, I can only imagine how it must feel for you to feel like people who should be friends calculating your husband’s death in monetary terms. I’m afraid I’d have to start distancing myself from those who continued to do this. And for the friend who joked about you buying a property for her to live in, I’d think about saying something the next time she mentions your money, some thing like “I’ve noticed you talk about my finances quite often and would prefer if you didn’t as it makes me uncomfortable”.

DaveyJonesLocker · 10/03/2023 13:19

Oh my god. What is wrong with some people.

Hawkins003 · 10/03/2023 13:19

It's a mix at Time with people, the main reason if I won the lotto or got an inheritance, or other financial means would be kept to myself and though the "business account" use that to help parents.

whumpthereitis · 10/03/2023 13:20

There’s a difference between a friend, and a parasite looking for a host.

She has zero interest in supporting you through an awful loss, because she sees said awful loss as an opportunity for her. She sees vulnerability she intends to exploit. That isn’t someone that’s ever going to add value to your life, and you’d be wise to get rid.

Badger1970 · 10/03/2023 13:20

You've got some truly awful friends is the honest truth.

It's OK to walk away from relationships that give you nothing in return.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 10/03/2023 13:21

I had a friend who did this. They are now an ex friend.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

MisschiefMaker · 10/03/2023 13:21

I'm so sorry for your dreadful loss. What a horrible friend you have.

Original poster
mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:21

That's the most mind-blowing thing of all... she's not even a close friend but we share some mutual friends. She kept reminding me in the early days of all that happened how much she's 'been there for me'. To be honest though anyone could have said anything to me in the first few months after all that happened, it wouldn't have registered (as I wasn't even able to function back then). Looking back now... I was just a zombie.

OP posts:
Womblemumma · 10/03/2023 13:22

Block her. She is not a friend and is using your grief and vulnerability to try to get a hand out.
you deserve better than that. I’m so sorry you are going through this in your time of bereavement. 🌺

Riverlee · 10/03/2023 13:22

Sorry for your loss.

Your ‘friend’ sounds awful. She’s either jealous of your perceived wealth, or depressed (or both). Does she work? If you want to remain friends, maybe next time she has a ‘woe is me’ rant, see if you can give her constructive advice about getting work, budgeting , gp appointment (if depressed) etc. If she continues to moan, then I would withdraw from the friendship. You wouldn’t be wrong to do this - the stress of continuing isn’t worth it. At this time in your life, she should be supporting you, not the other way around.

DuvetDownn · 10/03/2023 13:22

You need a new friend. The husband of a dear friend of mine died unexpectedly and she inherited about 3 million, I’d never dream of behaving like your friend. My friend never mentioned anyone coming to her for money.

Richhandcream · 10/03/2023 13:23

Dump her.
I've sadly just had to part with a friend because she's been doing pretty much the same. I do have a lot more money than her and I've subbed her over recent years so we can do things together. Paid her travel and accommodation to come to the States with me and follow a band on tour for a week, just as an example. But her hints were relentless.

I was honest with her, I said that I was feeling used and pressured to basically give her a house. It was tough and she said something massively hurtful to me, but I now feel a great negative weight has left my life.

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 10/03/2023 13:23

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

It's shocking when friends you think would be supportive of you in difficult times are not. Can't imagine how it feels to have these conversations, it's so insensitive.

Enufsaid · 10/03/2023 13:24

That is really awful. You need to have nothing more to do with these people.

Murraydeservedit · 10/03/2023 13:26

They aren’t friends.

I’ve been on the bones of my arse in my life, but if you were my friend my only thoughts for you would be how you were coping and how I could help you.

Not to ask you for money.

Sundaefraise · 10/03/2023 13:26

Is this actually a friend or a relative or a relative of late dh? I’m not getting friends vibes from your post (understandably)

MatildaTheCat · 10/03/2023 13:29

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your ‘friends’ sound utterly awful. Genuinely, why are you seeing the woman with the child? Your lives sound light years apart.

In general I’d have a stock phrase or two up my sleeve to cover most requests, something along the lines of, ‘Oh, Peter left it all with his accountant to deal with.’

If anyone had the nerve to suggest I was having a fun life just months after being widowed (presumably quite young) I think I’d have trouble controlling my response and any further problems would be resolved right there because there wouldn’t be any further communication.

Wishing you well.

GarlicGrace · 10/03/2023 13:30

Oh, crikey. Poor you Flowers

Per your update, the moaning friend isn't even an old friend so should be un-friended with a clear conscience. As to the others, you might remind them that it's inadvisable to make any major decisions within a year of a major loss. After the year, take your own good time of course.

Wishing you all the comfort, balance and REAL friends you need after such a shocking bereavement.

Sittingonabench · 10/03/2023 13:30

My goodness that sounds horrible! I’m so sorry for your loss! The only time money and inheritance should be raised in such circumstances is to ensure the widow and any children are going to be ok. I don’t think I would want to be around someone like this even when not grieving!

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