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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
BritInAus · 09/03/2023 22:02

OP, what exactly about it is disrespectful? Presumably you've had sex whilst your DD has been in the house?! How is it different if she (maybe) has sex whilst you're in the house? She's not 14.

StopGrowingPlease · 09/03/2023 22:04

Sorry to tell you this but they’ve probably already had sex in her room with you in the house you don’t just wait for bed time at that age 🤷‍♀️😂
But seriously, she is 18. It is not disrespectful for them to have sex. They’re adults. You’re being disrespectful to them by treating them like children.

Rosebel · 09/03/2023 22:06

Why wouldn't your DD tell her boyfriend what you said? How else will he know he can't stay over?
You do realise that you are being ridiculous. If they wanted to have sex she would just go downstairs and have sex on the sofa bed (or is that okay as she's not in the room next door to you).
I can't believe you're okay with her going away for 4 nights but not sharing a bed for one night. I think this might be a wind up.

Essexgal2023 · 09/03/2023 22:06

I think YABU.

  1. it sounds like you don’t think that highly of your own DD if you think she’s going to be having sex next door to you. You seem to be really fixated on this from your responses. A simple chat with her and a boundary if you really don’t like the thought of them doing that in your house is enough.

  2. We are talking about adults who can go abroad, go away together, move in, have their own place etc - not 15 year olds.

  3. It’s not nice to hear but the truth is parents like you who are too strict on this sort of stuff are the reason why some young adults hide things behind your back and end up not wanting to involve you in private things that happen in their lives. You end up with a DD who goes to other people rather than her own parents as she would fear you judging her.

  4. She told her boyfriend because she can tell her partner what she wants and it sounds like you must have an inkling that you are being unreasonable because from some of your responses it sounds like you feel silly that DD has told BF.

Travis1 · 09/03/2023 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The harm comes when they are spouting shit about an 18yo ‘sinning’ and being ‘judged at the pearly gates’ you don’t be sanctimonious and preachy and I won’t need to burst your bubble….I believe your twat radar may be pointing in the wrong direction

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 09/03/2023 22:08

Why is everyone on here being so nasty to OP? If she is uncomfortable about it in her house, then why would you want her to be uncomfortable? I am with you OP, if its your house then what you say goes. Your DD is hardly going to be damaged by you not letting her boyfriend stay over...........

Jada1234 · 09/03/2023 22:08

Not in my house either they can book a hotel as they’re adults.

SunnyLiving · 09/03/2023 22:11

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 21:51

We said we don’t feel comfortable him sleeping in her room but can sleep on sofa bed but dd said no to that

YABU, don’t shame your adult daughter and make sex a dirty/taboo subject 🤦‍♀️ Why is it not disrespectful for you to have sex next door to DD?? And as for your above post - At 19 I’d have said no to that too, how embarrassing to have to tell her boyfriend he can stay over but sleep on the sofa 😳 Can I ask if you are older parents?

Lollypop701 · 09/03/2023 22:16

Op it was a bit weird having someone else in the house at first but it quickly became normal… honestly it’s only embarrassing if you run into them on a loo run in the night … so make sure there’s a house coat around for him.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 09/03/2023 22:18

They're literal adults... and it's her home.

Yeah you're stuck in the 80s. They're not going to have sex they're just going to sleep most likely. No chance she wants her apparently extremely strict mum to hear her have sex.

Chill out. She's with an age appropriate fellow adult.

xprincessxjanetx · 09/03/2023 22:19

I also can't get over why you think they're going to be having sex when they have a 4am start and will be spending the next 4 days alone and able to have as much sex as they want! They'll be sleeping fgs.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 09/03/2023 22:20

PMAmostofthetime · 09/03/2023 20:15

@Safarigiraffe

I was not allowed my partner to stay over until I was 25 I respected this. When he did stay over we had to sleep in separate rooms. I think it's disrespectful to have sex in your parents house and I would feel the same way as you OP.

Nothing old fashioned about it I wouldn't want anyone having sex in my house least of all my own child x

It's also the daughters home though..

justasking111 · 09/03/2023 22:21

DS lived with girl friend for three years at university when they stayed with her parents it was separate bedrooms. Whenever they're here they sleep together. They're now living and working together. I don't know if the rule still stands. But it's their home.

ImAGoodPerson · 09/03/2023 22:22

You are being absolutely ridiculous. There is nothing to add really as it's all been said.

MabelMoo23 · 09/03/2023 22:25

I can’t even be bothered to read the whole thread but yes YABU - she asked if he could stay the night due to early night, not shag all night.

but actually, I’m 46, married, with 2 children and I’ve never ever had sex in my parents house. Even as an adult. It just doesn’t feel respectful - but I’ve slept tonnes of times there. Just because they are sharing a bed together doesn’t automatically mean having sex!!!

lookslikeabombhitit · 09/03/2023 22:29

I'd bet the paltry contents of my bank account that they've already had sex in your/her house.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to hear DD having sex next door but surely a quick- "the walls are thin, I don't want to hear anything" would suffice? I mean they're going away together so it's pretty likely they're already sexually active!

I'd have died of embarrassment if my mum would have overheard me and my bf at the time (now DH) so we very quickly became expert at being very quiet and choosing the right moments! I was lucky that she let my bf stay though and tbh it did help our relationship (mine and DM) as I felt respected and more able to speak to her about things for advice (contraception, relationships etc).

It's not a hill I'd die on tbh. I'd rather have my DD at home, comfortable in her own home and able to speak to me than make her feel she has to leave or remain a child forever.

Peachy2005 · 09/03/2023 22:32

Your house your rules, simple

M08my · 09/03/2023 22:32

I can't believe so many pp have suggested a suitable compromise is to let him stay over but "tell them not to have sex".

It's so astonishingly intrusive and creepy.

Would you tell your adult DD she can't masturbate in her own room? No, because that's disgustingly intrusive and creepy. So is prying into your adult daughter's sex life with her BF. It's no different. It's just none of your business and I'm astonished you think so much about your daughter's sex life and where/when she does it, it's creepy.

viques · 09/03/2023 22:33

Jourdain11 · 09/03/2023 20:11

They're having sex outside of marriage!

Show quote history

Yup. They are bumping uglies, probably with the light on so adding wasting the OPs electricity to the crime of having sex.

BadNomad · 09/03/2023 22:34

I'm going to be one of the minority who thinks if your daughter says no to her boyfriend sleeping on the sofa bed, then it's on her that he can't stay the night.

EndOfEternity · 09/03/2023 22:40

@Safarigiraffe I understand you feel uncomfortable with the situation, I was brought up with old fashioned values too.
When I have to confront a similar situation I anticipate having issues too. I hope my DD will be as respectful as your DD seems to be, being honest and upfront. That will hopefully help me deal with what will be my issue of allowing her to be an adult and make her own decisions. This is your issue, and having a open conversation with DD about it may help.

BlueSeaWave · 09/03/2023 22:42

Don’t make sex weird.
is it disrespectful that you have sex in the room next to her?

Easternext · 09/03/2023 22:44

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

You will be asleep tho so won't hear or see anything!
I hope your not disrespectful off your dd feeling's and no longer have sex when she Is the room next door sleeping.

GretaGip · 09/03/2023 22:45

Ahh the 1950s, more repressive but with proper punctuation.

<<Wistful>>

JMSA · 09/03/2023 22:46

YABU and will drive her away.