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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
awakeandanxiouss · 09/03/2023 22:50

You’re very weird. Chances are they are having sex in your house already! Not allowing him to stay over is only pushing your adult daughter away. Particularly when they have a 4am start, it’s hardly going to be sex & orgasm all night long!! Ps there is absolutely nothing disrespectful about having sex while you’re in the house. Really odd take.

CallItLoneliness · 09/03/2023 22:54

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:15

More the case of them doing whatever in the room next door while we are sleeping which is disrespectful what they do when away is their business but to do it in our house while we are sleeping next door is kind of disrespectful and to actually say to us she’s moving out and to of told her bf isn’t exactly a mature response but I’m intrigued as to why she told the bf

I completely disagree. She doesn't like the rules you're setting, which I agree are old fashioned, hypocritical and weird, so she's choosing to live elsewhere. How is that not an actual mature response?

whattodo22222 · 09/03/2023 22:55

I'd think the room next door to her parents is the place she's least likely to have sex!

You should probably also think about why you're taking her sex life so personally...why do you perceive the thought of them having sex as a personal slight?

And she must have told her boyfriend because logistically it makes sense for them to stay but he can't because you've not allowed it. Is she supposed to lie?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 09/03/2023 22:58

I do think she's silly not to accept the airbed thing though

FlissyPaps · 09/03/2023 23:01

YABVU

You are infantilising your adult daughter.

The poor girl. I bet she can’t wait to move out and run for the fuxking hills.

ouchmyteeth · 09/03/2023 23:07

I don’t really get it.

You’re happy with them staying together for a holiday but he’s not allowed overnight in your home because it’s ‘disrespectful’ to you and your husband because you’re in the next room?

Does that work both ways then? Do you and your husband refrain from sex because it’s disrespectful to her in the next room? (And that’s ignoring the fact she wants him to stay over for convenience purposes and you won’t know what they’re doing or not doing)

Also curious... will this ALWAYS be a rule or will there come a point when she is allowed to have a partner to stay? What about if she leaves home and gets married, will her and her husband have to sleep in separate bedrooms if they come to stay? What’s the cutoff point?

DragonsFurry · 09/03/2023 23:08

Perfectly normal at that age and fine provided they’re in a committed relationship.

Adrelaxzz · 09/03/2023 23:10

So embarrassed for you.
We still laugh at DHs mum refusing to let his ex sleep at her house when she was 8 months pregnant. But not married. The shame 😂

ranblungs · 09/03/2023 23:28

You're being utterly ridiculous.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 09/03/2023 23:37

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:56

Just because they are 18/19 years olds going away for 4 nights it doesn’t mean that they can have sex in our house when we don’t feel comfortable with that

Why don't you "feel comfortable" with it?

It's her house too. What if she decides she doesn't "feel comfortable" with you having sex in it? Will you cease doing so?

Theelephantinthecastle · 09/03/2023 23:37

They have already had sex in your house. This may surprise you but some people have sex during the daytime.

BlackCatFever · 09/03/2023 23:40

The LAST thing I wanted to do at 19 was have my parents overhear me having sex.

I get being upset about an all-night romp keeping you up but finding the mere idea of her (y'know, an adult woman) having sex "disrespectful" is just a bit weird.

smileladiesplease · 09/03/2023 23:42

You are being very very wierd op. They are adults. Good grief what on Earth is the problem?

johsq20 · 09/03/2023 23:45

YABU of course you should let him stay if it's an early start and they will be travelling together anyway?? If she doesn't normally have him over and she wants him over for ease of travel don't see what the issue is. If they have an early start I doubt the first thing on their mind will be having sex next door to you, if they are about to spend 4 days alone anyway?

deflatedbirthday · 09/03/2023 23:52

Out of interest OP where do you think they have sex now? Does your DD ever stay over at his?

shrimp88 · 10/03/2023 00:14

You are being ridiculous. How is it disrespectful? Is there ever an age when it will be okay or will you be saying the same thing about her visiting with her DP/DH in her 30s? I get that it may make you feel uncomfortable but just don't think about it. Also consider that it's even worse to think of your parents having sex so will you and your DH sleep in separate rooms when you visit her when she's is older?

LadyGAgain · 10/03/2023 00:17

It might help if you're able to articulate and explain what it is that makes you uncomfortable about them sleeping together in your (her) home?

ninjasnap · 10/03/2023 00:27

But he is only staying over because they have a 4am start? It's about logistics, not lust.

Why be so petty??

Knackeredmommy · 10/03/2023 01:04

If you have suggested the sofa bed as a compromise and your DD is refusing this, then I think she's BU.

OOmpityDoomipity · 10/03/2023 01:08

Why are you so focused on them having sex in your house? Has yourbDD outrightly said she is going to have aex with him whilst your asleep or are you jumping to massive conclusions? I'd be mortified if you were my mum and making such a big deal out of this

ConsuelaHammock · 10/03/2023 01:11

Send her the links to some houses to rent 😂. Then start shopping for new paint for your ‘spare room’ when she moves out.
It’s your house so you get the final say . It’s not like you’re trying to stop her going away with her boyfriend.

Bepis · 10/03/2023 01:20

If you feel uncomfortable with it, it's your house and you say what goes. Dd will have to respect that. Once she gets her own home, she can do what she likes.

I wouldn't allow it either in my home for many reasons.

TheMarzipanDildo · 10/03/2023 01:20

I’m going to tell my parents that they are not allowed to have sex in the house because I find it disrespectful. (does that work? I’m 23, I reckon I have rights now!)

TheMarzipanDildo · 10/03/2023 01:22

Bepis · 10/03/2023 01:20

If you feel uncomfortable with it, it's your house and you say what goes. Dd will have to respect that. Once she gets her own home, she can do what she likes.

I wouldn't allow it either in my home for many reasons.

Maybe not then as I don’t own the house Sad

gosh

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 10/03/2023 01:24

Bepis · 10/03/2023 01:20

If you feel uncomfortable with it, it's your house and you say what goes. Dd will have to respect that. Once she gets her own home, she can do what she likes.

I wouldn't allow it either in my home for many reasons.

I hope she gets her own home on the other side of the country and refuses to let her parents stay over for the night.