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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
PinkFizz1 · 09/03/2023 21:25

@Safarigiraffe OP have you ever had sex with your DH in the 19 years she’s been in the house?

Get a grip honestly. They’re adults. Sex is normal as part of a healthy relationship between two adults.

You just know they’ll be getting up to ALL sorts of weird kinky shit when they’re away (I hope so anyway 🤣)

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 09/03/2023 21:25

So reading OP's posts I'm getting the strong impression that even if her DD was living with her boyfriend/married to him whether she be 19 or 49 that OP would not like her DD to be having any sex in her house at all.

And why are you uncomfortable about the idea of 2 consenting adults having sex?

Thindog · 09/03/2023 21:26

I would definitely forbid my offspring from having sex under my roof, because in my experience, the forbidden is always so much more fun.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2023 21:27

What's disrespectful about two adults in a relationship sharing a bed?

You will destroy your relationship with your daughter if you insist on treating her like a child.

Incognito2023 · 09/03/2023 21:29

Obviously your house= your rules. However, since you ask, yes, you are being old-fashioned.
As for finding it uncomfortable, at what age do you think it will be acceptable? Does she actually have to leave home and be living with her BF before it is okay with you?

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 09/03/2023 21:30

Have I time travelled back to the 1980s?

PhillySub · 09/03/2023 21:30

Your house your rules. She is your child but she is an adult as is he. It looks like she has a grown up attitude towards sex but you haven't. What they do outside the house is ok? So they can have a knee trembler on the front doorstep before they go?

PurpleWisteria1 · 09/03/2023 21:30

Travis1 · 09/03/2023 20:26

Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no god. HTH

Show quote history

You really think you are original typing that out don’t you? People who believe in god have heard that a thousand times you idiot.
Billy big bollocks strikes again.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 09/03/2023 21:31

So if your issue is that it's disrespectful for an adult to have sex in the bedroom that adjoins someone else's, you have never had sex in your bedroom because it adjoins your DD's?

Or is the problem that you don't respect your DD is an adult and can make her own choices about her body, just as you can?

JassyRadlett · 09/03/2023 21:32

PurpleWisteria1 · 09/03/2023 21:30

You really think you are original typing that out don’t you? People who believe in god have heard that a thousand times you idiot.
Billy big bollocks strikes again.

Show quote history

And people who don't believe in any gods have had 'god says x/Jesus says x/the Bible says x' thrown their way just as much. It's a two way street.

Nice turning the other cheek, though. Example to us all.

momtoboys · 09/03/2023 21:32

I disagree with the majority here. You have every right to have them sleep separately in your home. She is being childish with the "I'm not speaking to anyone...." edict. Let her move out. I have a son older than your daughter and I ask that he and his girlfriend sleep separately when they are in my our house and they travel from the same city (not same flat) to visit. We have been lucky that they have respected that boundary but I did find a pair of knickers on the floor when I came down one morning. Guess I showed them, huh?? LOL

Starlitestarbright · 09/03/2023 21:33

If your not careful your going to ruin your relationship with your dd permanently. Sex is nothing to be shameful of.

Lcb123 · 09/03/2023 21:34

YABU. They’re adults. Cannot see how is disrespectful.

Jourdain11 · 09/03/2023 21:34

Thindog · 09/03/2023 21:26

I would definitely forbid my offspring from having sex under my roof, because in my experience, the forbidden is always so much more fun.

Haha, this reminds me of my mum raising no objection to me clubbing when I was 16/17. It quite took the excitement out of it. Worse,she would always say I needed to help her at the supermarket the next morning. Imagine making your hungover/still inebriated, bleary-eyed teenager trot around picking up bags of carrots and pears. It's positively evil!

Travis1 · 09/03/2023 21:35

PurpleWisteria1 · 09/03/2023 21:30

You really think you are original typing that out don’t you? People who believe in god have heard that a thousand times you idiot.
Billy big bollocks strikes again.

Show quote history

Ohhhhh touched a nerve there then 🤣

AreMyDucksinarow · 09/03/2023 21:35

What am I reading??

Your adult dc having her boyfriend stay over is disrespectful…if they are getting up at 4am I doubt they will be fucking the night away!

To be fair I can see why she would want to move out 🤷‍♀️

Such a weird thing

WishingMyLifeAway · 09/03/2023 21:36

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 21:10

We do not make dd keep her door open it’s her choice so sometimes it’s open sometimes it’s closed but we don’t make that decision

So you are fine with her having sex while you are awake. Just not while you are sleeping?!? Very weird logic.

I think you need to think about why you are uncomfortable, and whether your discomfort has any logical basis. If not, you need to deal with that like any other illogical emotional response and not make it your daughter's problem.

OheeOheeOh · 09/03/2023 21:36

They've deffo shagged in every room of your house already 🤣, people have sex in the day too and don't have to sleepover to do so.
The chances of them having an all night steamy session when they have a flight to catch in the early hours, (plus you will a glass to the wall next door!!) are minimal. You are being silly here.

Your views are very old fashioned, my parents are in their early 70s and told us from being about 17 that bfs/gfs were welcome to stay over, our parents used to have to creep around parking in dark lanes (and yes they told us this!). You aren't preventing anything from happening, it will still happen, they'll just be forced to creep around and feel uncomfortable.

PurpleWisteria1 · 09/03/2023 21:37

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 21:10

We do not make dd keep her door open it’s her choice so sometimes it’s open sometimes it’s closed but we don’t make that decision

OP I wasn’t allowed to share a room over night with my BF at 19. We have been married now for over 20 years so he was the one for me as well.
However I respected my parents and didn’t question it. To be honest it would have felt weird staying in the same room at first. He slept on the sofa on in another room.
I still remember the day when I was getting bedding ready for both of us and my mum said ‘it’s ok, you can just use one set and share’ It must have been after a year or so of having him over. I felt so trusted and grown up at the time!
I think your daughter needs to respect him being on the sofa but also after the relationship has gone on a while you should relax.

TeaGinandFags · 09/03/2023 21:39

Thindog · 09/03/2023 21:26

I would definitely forbid my offspring from having sex under my roof, because in my experience, the forbidden is always so much more fun.

Please adopt me!

I think that there are two issues here:

1 - one specific night during which dd and bf will really need to sleep for such an early start, so no naughties - or very little chance.

2 - OP needs to sit down with herself and wake up to the fact that dd is now old enough to make her own decisions. Or will OP obey dd's rules when in dd's place?

Barbecuebeans · 09/03/2023 21:39

I find it really creepy that someone is thinking about their adult daughter's sex life. Eww.

Overwhelmingly the response to your question is that you are being both old fashioned and unreasonable but you're obviously not interested in genuine responses you just wanted people to agree with you.

namechangeagaintoday · 09/03/2023 21:40

So you are ok with them having sex during the day with the door shut? But not at night? Seems a bit crazy.

If she asked if he could stay because they have an early start then why not take it at face value?

BashfulClam · 09/03/2023 21:40

I wasn’t allowed to stay overnight or have my boyfriend stay overnight. We still shagged constantly, even in the car. If it was my child I’d rather she was somewhere clean, safe and discreet rather than having to take dodgy chances. Also is there a difference to having a wall separating you rather than a floor/ceiling when he is around at other times?

I remember my colleague wasn’t allowed to share a bed with her partner at her parents house until they were married…,they had 2 children and were in their mud 30’s before they got married.

Emmamoo89 · 09/03/2023 21:40

Yabu

GG1986 · 09/03/2023 21:40

So did your daughter actually say to you "mum we are going to have sex when he stays the night before going away"? You are just assuming she is going to? If you have a problem with them maybe having sex, then let him sleep downstairs on the sofa?