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Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
WineCap · 10/03/2023 07:28

Will you let your daughter and her partner stay in a room together in your house as a visitor in 10 years time? If you would then your argument makes no sense.

You're going to have a hard time keeping a relationship going with your DD in a decade if I'm honest...

elm26 · 10/03/2023 08:28

Lollypop701 · 09/03/2023 22:16

Op it was a bit weird having someone else in the house at first but it quickly became normal… honestly it’s only embarrassing if you run into them on a loo run in the night … so make sure there’s a house coat around for him.

Some of these replies are bonkers 😂

Do you think the boyfriend will walk to the toilet naked if a dressing gown isn't provided? 🥴

BurbageBrook · 10/03/2023 08:38

Yeah, you're being really uptight. Not the best way to develop a close relationship with your adult daughter.

Jarstastic · 10/03/2023 09:31

it’s your house. you were willing to accommodate an overnight guest in your overnight guest facilities (sofa bed). You’re not unreasonable. Some posters have said what makes you think they’d have sex with the 4am, the way your daughter refused this seems clear. Regardless, she was rude to you and the way she’s acted is immature.

shrimp88 · 10/03/2023 10:06

Jarstastic · 10/03/2023 09:31

it’s your house. you were willing to accommodate an overnight guest in your overnight guest facilities (sofa bed). You’re not unreasonable. Some posters have said what makes you think they’d have sex with the 4am, the way your daughter refused this seems clear. Regardless, she was rude to you and the way she’s acted is immature.

I can't see what about her reaction is immature or demonstrates that she was planning to have sex (although so what if she was). If I was living at my parents and they said my partner couldn't stay, I would also tell them that they were being ridiculous and that I was going to move out/not stay again.

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 10/03/2023 10:28

All your going to do is push her away. She will either continue to live with you and have sex in less safe places (e.g. car) or she will move out.
It's an extremely old fashioned view to have

As for her telling her boyfriend how is that immature? She has said to him I'll ask if you can stay over, asked you and you've said I'm unsure, her boyfriends then asked what you said and she said you were unsure. What on earth did you want her to say?!

Jarstastic · 10/03/2023 15:19

shrimp88 · 10/03/2023 10:06

I can't see what about her reaction is immature or demonstrates that she was planning to have sex (although so what if she was). If I was living at my parents and they said my partner couldn't stay, I would also tell them that they were being ridiculous and that I was going to move out/not stay again.

Show quote history

I think "has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us" is pretty immature!

She asked if he could stay, OP said can stay on the sofa bed (presumably OP's guest facilities for overnight visitors). That's perfectly reasonable. If moving out is her answer, that's perfectly reasonable.

Personally, I wouldn't call 18/19 year olds living in parents' houses a 'partner', but boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe OP would have a different perspective in 5 or 10 years time dealing with her daughter visiting with a long-term live-in partner or spouse from another part of the country. Maybe not, I know people who only have single beds in guest rooms for all their guests which is a pretty clear hint. And I know people who are happy for their 18 year old sons bring back one night stands. It's up to the house owner what they are comfortable with.

Lollypop701 · 10/03/2023 15:23

@elm26 running into a man in boxers, half asleep, at 3am is just a bit disconcerting. The op is obviously reserved so probably best avoided. My young adult dc have their partners and friends to stay, I have friends to stay… all guests had the option to use or not (both sexes) and generally have chosen to… just hung on back of door so not handed over with instructions 😂plus wander down for a brew in the morning without getting dressed. I also have spare slippers and toothbrushes. Don’t always get used …. but that’s usually by my sons friends asleep passed out on the couch who didn’t get undressed anyway.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/03/2023 15:41

I'm curious how you'll treat them once they're living together?

In years to come, will you be expecting them to come visit you and stay over? Eg at Christmas or birthdays etc?

Will you be the type of parent who pressures or 'questions' her grown up children about the idea of grandkids? IE pressuring them into sex to satisfy your own desire for your family to grow?

SingleMumofOne95 · 10/03/2023 15:57

I honestly hate women and mother’s like you - you’re basically teaching your daughter that sex is wrong, dirty and something to be ashamed of - and I’m pretty sure even if they did have sex in your house they wouldn’t be having loud, orgy marathons in the room next door. She is an adult and the amount of interest you have about her sex life is quite concerning, I salute her on still having a relationship with you because just from this I can imagine what kind of a person you are - if you were my mother I don’t think I could cope as well as her!

Titsywoo · 10/03/2023 16:06

Why are you so weird about sex? It's a perfectly normal and lovely thing between 2 consenting adults. My DD18 and her 20 year old BF sleep together in her room all the time. Honestly I doubt they have sex as DD is way too paranoid but I wouldn't care if they did. Obviously I'd prefer not to hear it but that's the same with anyone not just my daughter.

Zanatdy · 10/03/2023 16:08

I don’t mind my son’s GF staying, both 18. They are together at Uni and so what if they want sex? As long as I don’t hear it I don’t care, it’s as natural as you can get not sure why so many people are hung up about it. Young adults have sex

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 10/03/2023 16:09

I mean... yeah, your house your rules.

I don't get it though. They're adults. You would actually rather make their lives difficult than allow them to sleep in the same bed?

Your daughter also lives in your house. If she said she wasn't comfortable with you & your DH having sex when she's in the house, would that stop you?

I also agree with PP that you're basically telling your daughter that sex is wrong or dirty.

budgiegirl · 10/03/2023 16:44

*It's your house so your rules.

But be aware that your rules are likely to drive a wedge between you and your daughter*

This.

When I was 19 and my BF was 18, my mum wouldn't let him stay the night, because 'that sort of thing didn't happen in our house'. The result was that I spent every weekend at my BFs house instead. My mum then complained that she never saw me.

My son's girlfriend (both 19) regularly stays the night, even though she has her own flat. It's nice, she's become part of the family. I would presume they have sex while she's here, I can't see how it's disrespectful to me. It's normal. Unless you think that sex between consenting adults is a dirty, shameful thing?

shrimp88 · 10/03/2023 18:28

whiteroseredrose · 10/03/2023 05:34

Not double standards if the OP is married and the DD is not.

I'm not religious but I know people who are and who take the no sex before marriage thing seriously.

Show quote history

OP hasn't said it is anything to do with them not being married or said it wouldn't be disrespectful if they were.

iloveyankeecandle · 10/03/2023 18:32

Why have you bothered posting? You need saying it's disrespectful. Fine. But then why make a thread about it if you don't want to take anyone else's opinion?

CouldItBeImFallingInLove · 10/03/2023 18:38

I had parents like you. They literally took the door off my bedroom even without a BF & I was 16. I had zero privacy. It got to the point I ended up meeting my first BF & because they wouldn’t let him come & visit at all, I moved into his parents with him when I was 17. When I broke up with him at 19 I reluctantly had to move back home whilst I was studying. She used to make my oldest sister follow me up the road if I was going out with friends & one time I was actually meeting a new guy & my sister told my mum, I was called every slag/slut under the sun.

Now I don’t bother with her anymore. Talk about controlling. Don’t be that parent. I’m sure you’re not as bad as mine but you will push your daughter away. She’s an adult.

Gridhopper · 10/03/2023 18:51

I very much doubt they’d be shagging now you’ve made it clear you’ll be lying in the next room thinking about them shagging. It’s enough to put a person off for life.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 10/03/2023 18:54

I see OP hasn't come back & said why she feels it's disrespectful 🙄

fpurplea · 10/03/2023 22:25

This thread is giving me mortifying flashbacks of being 17 and nearly being put headfirst through my then boyfriend's bedroom wall into his mother's room.

Conversely, me and DH have been married 10 years, we have a baby and we've still never got up to any shenanigans at my parents' house. The thought gives me the ick lol.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 10/03/2023 22:41

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 10/03/2023 18:54

I see OP hasn't come back & said why she feels it's disrespectful 🙄

Must be fishing elsewhere for some more pearls to clutch.

Passthechocolatesplease · 11/03/2023 09:49

The OP offered a bed settee, it her house and her choice who sleeps there, I doubt she’s ‘clutching her pearls’ she just sticking to what she believes is right. Just because the majority don’t agree with her it her choice so why should it be ridiculed.
I’m sure her daughter will survive without sharing a bed with her boyfriend, she is the one being disrespectful by not adhering to her parents wishes in their home.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 11/03/2023 09:53

I had parents like you.
I moved out at nineteen and never returned, my mum commented once and said she regretted being so controlling as she knew I'd of stayed at home a lot longer if it weren't for their behaviour.

MyGreenBedspread · 11/03/2023 10:22

Why the actual fuck are people so preoccupied by their children’s sex lives?! It’s really really creepy.

If my kid asks to have someone stay my thoughts are about if they don’t make too much noise/remember to lock up if they come in late/don’t drink my wine/do their washing up… you know, normal stuff that actually affects me, not their bloody sex life!

shrimp88 · 11/03/2023 10:28

Passthechocolatesplease · 11/03/2023 09:49

The OP offered a bed settee, it her house and her choice who sleeps there, I doubt she’s ‘clutching her pearls’ she just sticking to what she believes is right. Just because the majority don’t agree with her it her choice so why should it be ridiculed.
I’m sure her daughter will survive without sharing a bed with her boyfriend, she is the one being disrespectful by not adhering to her parents wishes in their home.

No one’s arguing that it isn't her choice. They just saying that it is not a good choice if she wants to ever have a good relationship with her adult child in the future.

She hasn't said that she is doing what she thinks is right either. She has only said that her DD’s partner being in the house together would make her feel uncomfortable.