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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD19 wants BF18 to stay nights

442 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/03/2023 20:06

Basically DD is going away with her bf for a short break Sunday and as it’s an early 4am leaving house at wants her bf to sleep over. We don’t feel comfortable about it at all as even though they be staying 4 nights away together, to actually sleep together in our house we think is disrespectful as what they do together when away from the house is their business but to sleep together in our house we find it not only uncomfortable but disrespectful as well. Now DD has told the BF but unsure why she did & has said until she goes away she’s not talking to any of us and is gonna move out very soon cos we are apparently too old fashioned and not with the times so are we being old fashioned & not with the times or is DD being unreasonable for wanting bf to sleep round while we are sleeping next door

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 10/03/2023 01:29

If I were your DD I would be looking forward to having my own house just to get away from your weirdness.

When you and your husband came to stay then I would either put you in separate rooms or say that he could not stay over because it's disrespectful. You'd get a dose of your own medicine. Then you might realise how ridiculous you have been.

You really are being completely illogical and talking bollocks.

WandaWonder · 10/03/2023 01:44

14 I get not on but 19 and him 18? Why is it wrong?

Bepis · 10/03/2023 01:51

@StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf And that would completely be her right and her decision if it was her home.

BritInAus · 10/03/2023 02:17

What's the bet OP will be back in 5 years: 'My daughter moved out when she was 19. She's now 24 and lives 2 hours away. We keep asking her to come and stay for the weekend and visit - but the rule is she has to sleep in a hotel if she wants to have sex with her partner. She claims they can't afford paying for a hotel. I really miss her. What should I do?'

Then 10 years later "I'd love to see our grandchildren but for some reason my daughter and her husband say they can't pay for a hotel in our town to come and visit. I just don't understand. All I asked is they don't have sex in our house, as it's so disrespectful.'

Honestly OP. NOBODY, I repeat, NOBODY wants their family members to hear them having sex, or to hear their parents have sex.

She's 19! Not a young teen. Way past the age of consent. In a relationship. Just SO weird.

NumberTheory · 10/03/2023 04:45

My MiL wouldn’t let my now DH and me sleep together at first, my DH was hugely embarrassed about it and angry at how controlling it was of her, it really harmed their relationship. It seemed somewhat old fashioned then and that was more than 30 years ago.

You’ve told your adult DD that she can’t have the man she sleeps with stay over in her home because you don’t want her having sex there. She’s told the man she sleeps with why he can’t stay over with her and told you that she’s planning on moving out because you are trying to control her sex life.

I don’t see anything immature in her response.

Unless their sex is physically intrusive to you or others in the house, you are being controlling. It used to be considered acceptable to be controlling of adult children living at home, especially unmarried daughters. That’s less the case now. It’s not surprising your DD is looking at other options.

Ponderingwindow · 10/03/2023 04:51

I was going to say you were unreasonable because it is only one night, they are both 18, and it is really about logistics, but then I see you offered the sofa bed so the logistical issue is solved.

if they don’t like that solution, they always have the option of getting a hotel for the night before the trip.

AviMav · 10/03/2023 05:02

CharmedUndead · 09/03/2023 21:08

It's time for dd to move out. She wants to have an adult sexual relationship. You'd rather that happened somewhere you are not. That's fine. She moves into her own place - there's no saying you won't have a lovely relationship with your adult daughter just because you'd prefer not to have her sex life quite so close by.

I do think quibbling about one night is OTT, but it's fine to encourage her to go live her adult life in her own space.

Exactly.

chartreuseabuse · 10/03/2023 05:07

Do you not think she has loads of solo sex in your house already? I think you're thinking too much about it which is weird. Of course they are having sex when they are away so what's the difference. Just you and your thoughts which is the odd thing. You're just making the trip difficult, being weird and old fashioned.

bakewellbride · 10/03/2023 05:09

Yabvu!

AviMav · 10/03/2023 05:16

Somanycats · 09/03/2023 20:22

Oh God unhappy days. I remember this so well. And no they were never discreet. And yes it did sound like they were swinging from the chandelier. And yes DH did once shout out to the gf of the moment, after about a bloody hour of her moaning - 'Hannah shut the fuck up!' And her and DS are still friends but no longer together and she still finds it funny to mention it every time she sees us.
These young people have no shame!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 yet so many are so adamant things like this definitely won't happen.

The best part is those advising OP yet their kids probably aren't at this stage yet. OPS house end of... if her DD wants to go pay sky high bills that's her business.

Questioning OP and calling her a hypocrite isn't on though. It's all part of living at home WE ALL had to follow rules wheather we agreed with our mum or not FFS

whiteroseredrose · 10/03/2023 05:23

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/03/2023 20:35

What age will be old enough? I think at 19 it’s perfectly normal to have your boyfriend stay over so if she can’t do that in the house she lives in where else is she supposed to, it makes sense that she wants to move out.
If she moves away and wants to visit with her boyfriend will you say he can’t come?

My friend was living with her bf, but when they stayed at her parents' house they were put in separate single rooms. No unmarried sex in her parents' house.

whiteroseredrose · 10/03/2023 05:25

Hawkins003 · 09/03/2023 20:44

Of your only ment to wait till your married until you do the dance with no pants, then what if your partner has no skill in love making ?

You wouldn't know the difference.

AviMav · 10/03/2023 05:33

@whiteroseredrose excellent come back. Blind leading the blind 🤣

whiteroseredrose · 10/03/2023 05:34

xprincessxjanetx · 09/03/2023 21:55

And yes I hope you are not disrespectful to your DD by having sex at night when she is asleep in the next room...double standards me thinks..

Not double standards if the OP is married and the DD is not.

I'm not religious but I know people who are and who take the no sex before marriage thing seriously.

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 10/03/2023 05:39

Well if your intention is to have her move out ASAP and very rarely bother coming back, you’re going about it the right way.

Lwrenagain · 10/03/2023 05:55

I understand that you feel its disrespectful for your DD to have sex in your home, but it's also her home.
Sex is a wonderful thing, it's fun, it's free, it's amazing with the right person.
I think you really need to think about why you feel that sex is disrespectful, because it really isn't.
You should want your DD to have healthy sexual experiences, somewhere safe that she feels comfortable. You should have spent years discussing safe sex, boundaries, all the online safety and porn issues etc, getting her prepared for this part of her life.
I'd be concerned you're making her feel like sex is dirty and shameful by your behaviour.
And as others have said, you'll be posting in a few years about your lack of contact with your DD.

DarkNecessities · 10/03/2023 06:05

I doubt they will be having sex in your house when you’re there, when you’re out however ….

If it’s for religious reasons then you will disapprove of them having sex before marriage at all, so the holiday would also be taboo.

DarkNecessities · 10/03/2023 06:08

Obviously, if you try to ban the sex in your house it will make it much more exciting for them 😂

Bepis · 10/03/2023 06:10

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 10/03/2023 05:39

Well if your intention is to have her move out ASAP and very rarely bother coming back, you’re going about it the right way.

This is not true in all cases. My parents did not allow me to share a room or bed with my then fiancé and I am very close to my parents. I have no resentment or hard feelings towards them.

autienotnaughty · 10/03/2023 06:11

For me wether someone stopped over I would consider age- minimum 18 years old - and how long they had been together/we had known the bf. After a few months of them being together/bf visiting house I would probably be happy for bf to stop over.

Firstly just because he stops doesn't mean they have to have sex and secondly having sex isn't disrespectful to anyone. Do you and your dh never stop at anyone's house or have any couples stop at yours?

If you really feel uncomfortable with him staying with her. Could he sleep downstairs or in a spare room?

FigTreeInEurope · 10/03/2023 06:26

I think its likely she will see it as you not validating her relationship, not giving your blessing. Your house, your rules. I hope the rules are worth the consequences.

electricmoccasins · 10/03/2023 06:39

It's your house so your rules.

But be aware that your rules are likely to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

LlynTegid · 10/03/2023 07:07

Your house, your rules.

Lotsofthingstoconsider · 10/03/2023 07:09

I don't think your DDs response is remotely immature. I too would feel aggrieved and Ottawa yes by your ridiculous old fashioned views and lack of logic. You are 'uncomfortable' that she may sex in YOUR house yet YOU no doubt have sex in HER home.

My 3 have all had their established bf/gf stay. Never been kept awake by the thought of my children in mutually fulfilling and consensual relationships.

Lotsofthingstoconsider · 10/03/2023 07:11

Ottawa ? Aggrieved