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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how or if to put this right

525 replies

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:13

A bit of a long one here, and changed n as me so it can’t be linked back to my other posts…
Behind the housing estate where I live is a lovely big field known as the football field, all the local kids head there at the weekend for a kick about and play. It is a proper field though- not a rec or anything.

Anyway me and my boys were there a few weekends ago and there was a woman walking her dog off lead. It stopped for a shit and she carried on walking and didn’t pick it up. I shouted over and told her to pick it up, and she just carried on walking. I headed over and cut her off and told her to go and pick up her dogs mess. She told me she’d go back for it later and to mind my own business and went to walk off. I did at this point block her way (probably a mistake in retrospect) and told her kids were playing and it was disgusting. She replied that it wouldn’t be a problem if my kids stayed on the footpath and it was her field. Anyway I made her pick it up and thought that was the end of it.

anyway we went to go over there at the weekend and there is now electric fence up either side of the path, all properly signed and everything, and I’ve heard on the grapevine my neighbours are furious that the kids can’t play there anymore. Apparently a few have spoken with the lady (she does actually own it-what are the chances?) and she is saying that she felt frightened and intimidated by someone, and now doesn’t want the kids using it any more and is going to move some of her sheep in there once it’s had a ‘rest’ I think this is just an excuse to justify the fence.

she hasn’t mentioned me, but I am worried if it gets out it was me my neighbours will be really angry. Should I find her and apologise? Apparently she just heads round the field once a day with a scooper to tidy it, all my neighbours seem to think she is gods gift even doing this. Was I in the wrong? I really think I have dropped a clanger here, what should I do?

OP posts:

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 10/03/2023 09:17

You yourself said the field was immaculate, she kept it immaculate!!!!

Exactly. This poor woman daily litter picked all the trash the kids left behind.

PigeonPlayingChicken · 10/03/2023 09:17

keeptalkinghappytalk · 10/03/2023 09:11

OP stop
blaming yourself, you acted in good faith ... and bravely by confronting someone leaving dogs mess in the way of kids. You re up against 2 injustices here ... one being peoples' readiness to leave digs' toxic mess in a place where kids play and two ... that individual people own land that a commnity might make good use of.

So you think farmers having land is a social injustice because locals might want to play on it? Do you know what farmers do for a living?

Hobbitlover · 10/03/2023 09:17

Sorry, but this was my mother ( who is a farmer in her late 60s ) you confronted like this & I found out, your neighbours knowing would be the least of your worries!

FrostyFifi · 10/03/2023 09:18

Do you know what farmers do for a living?

Commit social injustices against hard-working suburbinates. Food comes from Tesco and the countryside is a petting zoo/football pitch.

Novatherova · 10/03/2023 09:19

I don't think you're realising quite what you have done. You still seem to be laying the blame at her door.

If someone blocked my way like that I'd have smacked them one. And to make it worse it was on her own land.

You sound like a bully with a holier than tho attitude.

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 09:21

Doesthepope - Ok so not a football play area but a private field which she allows local children to play football on. She lets her dog shit on this field and doesn't pick it up straight away. Which is fine she owns the field, but why let children play on it then if she's going to do that.

WimbyAce · 10/03/2023 09:22

I think an apology is in order but you need to forget about using the field now, that ship has sailed.

PlanningTowns · 10/03/2023 09:23

This post just solidifies to me that we are all mysoginistic at heart and so much needs to change before our daughters can have true equality.

why can’t a woman in her 60s be a landowner or farmer. Binders what does a farmer or landowner look like (and given my profession I have seen many of them).

stop this shit, and literally you’re lucky not to have been outed.

Cocobutt · 10/03/2023 09:27

@Jellifulfruit
I think you need to re-read the thread.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 10/03/2023 09:27

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 09:21

Well, she doesn’t any more. Problem solved. The OP fucked it.

But, if you read the OP, she said herself the field was ‘immaculate’ because this woman poo and litter picked once a day.

The ingratitude, entitlement and appalling ignorance around farming on this thread is disappointing, not to mention the flagrant ageism and sexism about a 60-year-old farming woman ‘ambling’ around with her dog.

Maireas · 10/03/2023 09:30

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods
This.

misssunshine4040 · 10/03/2023 09:33

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 16:29

The OP didn't intimidate her. She didn't know she owned the field so asked her to clean up after her dog, and just made sure she did. I am a dog owner and I wish more people were like the OP.

She didn't just ask did she. She got in her face and followed her and made assumptions.
She didn't believe (why?) when she was told she owns the field and can leave dog shit in it if she wants.
People shouldn't leave dog mess around no, but the way you went about this is was awful and I'm not surprised she has banned anyone from using her property.

chocciechocface · 10/03/2023 09:33

FWIW - I live in a small farming community with a field behind my house. Sometimes it has livestock on it, sometimes not. The farmer allows me to scatter my lawn clippings over it, but only after I asked permission and assured him we garden organically so he knew his animals would be safe.

So, first, if the fence does come down. I strongly recommend you ask permission for your children to use it before assuming you have a right to use it. You have never had a right to just use it. If you did so without asking permission then that is possibly worse than dog fouling anywhere. The farmer needs to be able to assess risks to livestock. I'll bet she walked around the field picking up kids rubbish (!!!) to be sure a sheep didn't ingest plastic in the future. Did you think about that ...? Or do you honestly believe she was just keeping it nice and pretty? Who does that with agricultural land?

My guess is she's experienced intimidation from you, plus she's sick to her back teeth of picking up kids rubbish. I am TOTALLY on her side.

Second, I recommend you get ahead of this by letting people in the area know it was likely you who intimidated her and say how sick you feel about upsetting her (whether they believe you or not depends on your behaviour prior to this). Without doubt they will find out it was you. The farmer will have spoken to someone, got help with putting the fence up, and word will spread like wildfire through the community. If it's anything like ours, it's tight knit and loyal - and I say that as an outsider / 'incomer' to the area who tries to be respectful of the people who have lived here for generations. But then, I am also a farmers daughter so maybe I'm more aware. People in a farming community understand farming issues: plastic, chemicals, gates, plants dangerous to cows etc. I suspect you don't.

Third - be aware that everything you say in this community will now be measured against your behaviour in this incident. So, if in five years time you lose your rag over something else, they will say 'Remember how 'a' intimidated sweet farmer 'b'....?'
You've effectively put yourself on notice. How you respond to the farmer and others now is quite important. Learn about where you live and how to behave respectfully in it. If you don't, you will never be accepted or liked.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 10/03/2023 09:33

@Smartieshavesomeanswers what did Lady Who Didnt Look Like A Farner pick the dogshit up with?

If she only dog shit/litter picked once a day presumably she wouldn't have had gloves/bags etc with her?

I'm now imagining OP made her pick it up in her bare hands and carry it home with her head bowed in penance.

VictorStrand · 10/03/2023 09:33

You should apologise but you won't get the field back. And eventually people will find out it was you. That's how it works in rural communities.

Carryonmarion · 10/03/2023 09:34

If I was her I would have told you to mind your own business, get off my land and take all the kids with you. I imagine she must have felt intimidated to take orders from a randomer on her own land. I do feel bad for you as you obviously made a massive cock up and regret it, but like other have said, I doubt this situation would have played out in the same way if the land owner had been a man

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 10/03/2023 09:35

I think it's safe to assume OP really pissed FarmerLady off. Not just a fence but an electric fence, I think it's safe to say she really doesn't like you

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/03/2023 09:37

I would’ve done exactly the same as this woman, your behaviour was very unreasonable and bordering on the aggressive.

You could apologise but she’d be very nice and forgiving if she did let the children play there again.

Eqs · 10/03/2023 09:38

I think you’ve prob got the message by now op, but yes - you have behaved awfully and with every ‘excuse’ you’ve posted have exposed yourself as aggressive, entitled, sexist, ageist and judgemental. IF you have the balls to go apologise (rather than just the balls to be intimidating) do NOT mention having the field back, it will only show how self serving you are on top of everything else.

LostHurtAndConfused · 10/03/2023 09:38

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 09:21

FFS, the entitlement of people like you and the OP knows no bounds! So she LETS kids play on her property but that's not enough, apparently? She should also make sure it's kept "fit for purpose" for the little darlings? Clearly, all the neighbours know of how she looks after it and are happy for their kids to potentially step in some dog poo rather than having nowhere to play because the benefit outweighs the "risk" of contamination 🙄 Guess she shouldn't have bothered, since she is not prepared to keep the kindly provided land absolutely pristine at all times! You are something else, honestly 🤯

Snowsurprised · 10/03/2023 09:38

What do you mean you ‘made her pick it up’? Who are you the dog poo police?

Yes people should pick it up but it’s not for you to block people’s way and intimidate them into doing things.

Then there’s the fact it’s her field and she can do what she likes.
You may get found out anyway if people are talking about it for weeks to come.

Schleep · 10/03/2023 09:39

A widowed older lady allows the local community to use her land for free (the use of which causes her maintenance jobs such as litter picking) and then gets confronted by an angry local who shouts at her, physically intimidates her and forces her to pick up after her dog within her own property resulting in her no longer allowing unlimited public access to her private property.

As many many people have said, YABVU OP

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 09:40

Chocci - What a vile condescending post.

Billslills · 10/03/2023 09:41

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 19:39

Sorry I think my messages are getting misconstrued here. I don’t mean she’s awful I just want things right again, it was such a nice space and I’m sorry to have lost it. when I was speaking to my neighbour about it being a shame it was now blocked off he said it was a shame because she’d always gone to such an effort to keep it nice, I genuinely didn’t know who she was if I’d know I wouldn’t have said anything!!!

You are only apologising so you can get the space back and save face with the neighbours? Not sorry for intimidating someone and making them feel unsafe...

RainbowsTulipsChocolate · 10/03/2023 09:43

“I shouted at her, I cut her off, I blocked her way, I made her pick up dog shit off her own grass, should I apologise because I’m worried my neighbours will find out the fence around the field is my fault, maybe it’s not my fault maybe others intimidated the widow as well, I didn’t believe her when she said it was her field, maybe she will take it down when she has calmed down (as if she needs to!) the fence is spiteful, there’s nowhere else to take the kids we really need to get it back (not yours to have you selfish ungrateful cow) I don’t want people to find out it was me I just want the field back”. You STILL don’t have a clue how gross, selfish, greedy you sound do you?

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