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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how or if to put this right

525 replies

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:13

A bit of a long one here, and changed n as me so it can’t be linked back to my other posts…
Behind the housing estate where I live is a lovely big field known as the football field, all the local kids head there at the weekend for a kick about and play. It is a proper field though- not a rec or anything.

Anyway me and my boys were there a few weekends ago and there was a woman walking her dog off lead. It stopped for a shit and she carried on walking and didn’t pick it up. I shouted over and told her to pick it up, and she just carried on walking. I headed over and cut her off and told her to go and pick up her dogs mess. She told me she’d go back for it later and to mind my own business and went to walk off. I did at this point block her way (probably a mistake in retrospect) and told her kids were playing and it was disgusting. She replied that it wouldn’t be a problem if my kids stayed on the footpath and it was her field. Anyway I made her pick it up and thought that was the end of it.

anyway we went to go over there at the weekend and there is now electric fence up either side of the path, all properly signed and everything, and I’ve heard on the grapevine my neighbours are furious that the kids can’t play there anymore. Apparently a few have spoken with the lady (she does actually own it-what are the chances?) and she is saying that she felt frightened and intimidated by someone, and now doesn’t want the kids using it any more and is going to move some of her sheep in there once it’s had a ‘rest’ I think this is just an excuse to justify the fence.

she hasn’t mentioned me, but I am worried if it gets out it was me my neighbours will be really angry. Should I find her and apologise? Apparently she just heads round the field once a day with a scooper to tidy it, all my neighbours seem to think she is gods gift even doing this. Was I in the wrong? I really think I have dropped a clanger here, what should I do?

OP posts:

gazpachosoupday · 10/03/2023 07:55

OP, by any chance are you a man?

Moveoverdarlin · 10/03/2023 07:56

Yeah you’re massively in the wrong here, it’s her field and if she never wants to pick up dog pooh in there she doesn’t have to. She was generous letting YOU walk there and speak to her like crap. She told you it was her land and you still forced her. I certainly wouldn’t apologise as then it’s very likely it’ll get out that it was you that has ruined things for the community who enjoyed playing there. In future I would just keep your head down and keep your nose out. Think you’ve scored an own goal here. Poor woman.

CalpolDependant · 10/03/2023 07:59

Everyone makes mistakes, OP. I’m sure you can make it right.

Casilero · 10/03/2023 08:00

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 16:21

Well she could have said at the time that she owned the field but she didn't. I would just keep quiet. Maybe she was thinking of putting the sheep on there anyway and you have given her the perfect 'excuse'. I wouldn't worry about it.

Oh and well done for confronting her about cleaning up after her dogs.

Why are you congratulating the OP? The kids have lost their football play area thanks to an over zealous busybody berating the actual owner of the field!

OP I would apologise because it's the right thing to do, but unfortunately, I don't think you're getting the field back. You need to learn from this and don't steam in next time you feel the need to tell someone off.

fairycards · 10/03/2023 08:05

CalpolDependant · 10/03/2023 07:59

Everyone makes mistakes, OP. I’m sure you can make it right.

How does she do that? "Oh, I'm so terribly sorry I stood over you and bullied you and made you pick up that dog shit then and there - if I'd known you were the true land owner I would not have bullied you! So soz, pls return the field to the children. PS, don't tell my neighbours I am the bully. x"

quantumbutterfly · 10/03/2023 08:10

It's her field she's entitled to stop access on the private land.
Dog owners who don't pick up their houndshit are foul. It's dangerous for kids and other animals, including her sheep.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 10/03/2023 08:10

Smartieshavesomeanswers · 09/03/2023 16:26

@neilyoungismyhero it is quite old fencing by the looks of it-I think they’ve just moved it from elsewhere on the farm. I don’t think she’s actually spent any money. Hopefully she’ll take it down when she’s calmed down!

Diddums.

A farmer wants to use their land for farming, get over yourself.

She obviously hadn’t minded kid’s playing on it but you’ve ruined it by being aggressive to her. You knew it was t your field and you know it wasn’t public land, so you had no right to block her path and force her to pick it up.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 10/03/2023 08:10

RappScallion · 10/03/2023 07:06

Peoples entitlement to things they know they don't own always astounds me. I purchased a field several years ago which had been empty for a couple of years and has a footpath running through the middle of it. I wrote to the surrounding houses saying I was putting horses in the field, applying for planning for stables and wanted community feedback on whether they would prefer me to apply to move the footpath around the edge of the field and/or move the stile, and the absolute hell I had from the surrounding houses because they didn't want horses in it was just bizarre

it wouldn't be safe to let their dogs off lead in there as they are reactive
they use it for regular parties putting up marquees
fixing the stile would result in pushchairs and bikes not being able to be used (someone cut a hole in the fence to allow people to get through)

Madness

Unbelievable! We’ve had similar with some land we own. People feeling entitled to something that isn’t theirs, just because they used it a few times before, is unreal. We’ve had people having fires and trying to camp. 😳 there’s livestock in it!

Frankly, if I was this woman, who’s been so generous in the past and has been verbally clobbered and intimidated by the OP, I’d put a bull in the field and have done with it.

ReneBumsWombats · 10/03/2023 08:12

ShakespearesBlister · 10/03/2023 07:49

I'm surrounded by farmland. There doesn't need to be signs. If you know it doesn't belong to you then you don't just assume you have a right of access - you find out.

Show quote history

Well that's why I'm asking if there's farmland nearby, because that would be a strong indication that it isn't public land. If it's more suburban, I can understand people assuming that it's public if there are no signs stating otherwise.

TrashyPanda · 10/03/2023 08:17

You bullied and intimidated her.

you owe her a sincere apology.

but don’t try to link this to getting the field back. That’s not going to happen. Because of you and your actions.

it sounds like you are most annoyed that she “won” despite your aggression.

vitahelp · 10/03/2023 08:18

The trouble is you sound like you only care about getting the field back to use, and that's the only reason you seem to want to put things right. You don't seem bothered about how she felt or putting things right for her benefit. You sound a bit selfish. I would be more mortified by the fact I had upset someone that much, getting the space back wouldn't even be on my mind yet. This will likely come across to her as well.

redtshirt50 · 10/03/2023 08:20

I'm not sure why you assumed she was lying when she told you she owned the land (by your 'what are the chances?!' reactions).

You weren't unreasonable to pull her up on it as first, but as soon as she told you she owned the land you should have apologised and backed down. Her land, she can do what she likes.

Blocking her way AFTER she told you she owned the land is completely unreasonable and you were very wrong to do that.

I would apologise to her because it's the right thing to do, but don't go there expecting you apology to get access to the field back.

yetii · 10/03/2023 08:21

'We need to get it back for the kids'

You're not going to get it back. It was a lovely thing for her to do and you've fucked it over.

Octopusmittens · 10/03/2023 08:22

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 16:29

The OP didn't intimidate her. She didn't know she owned the field so asked her to clean up after her dog, and just made sure she did. I am a dog owner and I wish more people were like the OP.

Of course she intimidated her, read the OP properly.

2bazookas · 10/03/2023 08:27

You were hopelessly wrong on every count and I'm not in the least surprised at her decision to protect herself and her land from further verbal abuse and physical confrontation by bullying entitled CFs.

MargaritMargo · 10/03/2023 08:28

Oh no OP that is pretty bad. You can’t go around blocking peoples way, even if she didn’t pick the dog shit up. Whilst I agree to call people out when they don’t clean up after their dogs, getting physically in front of them and almost forcing them to do it is too much.

And now you’re finding out why there are limits to how much you need to stick your neb in. You felt justified in acting the way you did then and now you realise it wasn’t justified at all because it’s her land and YOU were the one trespassing as such.

You could reach out and apologise for how you made her feel, but she’s under no obligation to letting the kids return.

lesson learned - say your piece but don’t get up in peoples faces.

LikeTearsInRain · 10/03/2023 08:29

YABU never confront dog walkers. They have a dog who may or may not be aggressive. If you really care take photos and name and shame on local groups. If you’d done that maybe it would have been pointed out and no fuss occurred

MumoftwoGranofone · 10/03/2023 08:29

I would write to her to apologise that you confronted her in such a frightening and intimidating manner and and to say you are are also sorry as you realise your actions mean that the neighbourhood children can no longer play there. She might change her mind.

RappScallion · 10/03/2023 08:29

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune @NOTANUM

Sorry thought I'd typed

Long story short - I just fenced the footpath off which just caused a whole different bunch of complaints and accusations of me being unwilling to compromise. I think they failed to realise I didn't need to compromise the usage of my own field ....

Soffana · 10/03/2023 08:32

If someone was blocking me and making me pick it up I would also feel threatened. I hope you learn a lesson.

2bazookas · 10/03/2023 08:33

she hasn’t mentioned me, but I am worried if it gets out it was me my neighbours will be really angry.

Right now all your neighbours are comparing notes "it wasn't me, was it you? " and narrowing down the suspects; sooner or later they'll work out it was you.
Then you'll be on the receiving end of the behaviours you meted out to the land owner. Serves you right.

Livelovebehappy · 10/03/2023 08:34

You were absolutely right OP. Whether she returns to pick up all the poo later on is irrelevant. Maybe had I know the field though was not really a public one, and that she was the owner, then I would have behaved differently, but hindsight is a wonderful thing….

Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2023 08:35

ootb - If the owner wants her dog to shit on land that she owns then that's her prerogative. The problem is that she happily let's children play on it knowing that her dog shits on it and doesn't clear it up straight away.

You've then got people on here saying it's a shame that the children can no longer play football on the field. Why? Would you be happy for your child to play there, because I wouldn't.

HonestFeedback · 10/03/2023 08:35

Well, you behaved in a hot headed over entitled way and messed it up for everyone. A brilliant demonstration of the Dunning-Kruger effect OP!

2bazookas · 10/03/2023 08:36

MumoftwoGranofone · 10/03/2023 08:29

She won't change her mind; she's just spent a considerable sum of money erecting a very expensive fence which proves her decision is made, final, not going to change.

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