To ask school to not let DD choose friends for this?

[FallFallPleaseDont]

DD is 8, Y4.

She has a medical condition which means when it’s cold, or damp or she has a mild cold she has to stay inside in the warm or she can’t walk due to the pain or if she falls she could seriously damage her legs.

This is all documented in an EHCP and in the schools own Individual Education Plan (which runs alongside the EHCP and basically tells the school day to day whose doing what and when).

Obviously, the last few months due to it being winter it’s been extremely cold, or very wet. Some days she goes to lunchtime clubs but these don’t run everyday so on days when she can’t go on the playground without a club she’s allowed to choose up to 2 other children from the class to stay inside with her – the teacher encourages her to choose different children each time but theres only around 5 children in the class she considers a friend, so those 5 children are rotated between in either different pairings or 1 at a time – although often those children volunteer themselves to stay inside (which I don’t blame them for when it’s freezing outside!).

Others in the class have caught onto this, and when it’s been very cold have been asking DD to choose them. I am fine with this as is the teacher who has encouraged DD to branch out with friends but she always wants one of these 5 whether she chooses someone else from the class or not – these are not necessarily the 5 children she sits with at school but ones a relative of hers (from her dad’s side) and the rest are various friends who she does out of school activities and goes the parties of.

Some of the parents whose DC don’t get regularly chosen by DD have also caught onto it, and have tried to become friends with me/DD and when that’s not worked, they’re now saying that DD “is the teachers favourite” and that everyone should be given the same chance to be inside and they will say it loudly as they walk passed us or ask their child loudly “So who did the teachers favourite choose to stay in with her today?” It’s getting awkward for DD and she’s now trying to go outside even when school or I deem it unsafe (I am allowed to email school and say I don’t think the conditions are appropriate for playground time today and they keep her inside).

Obviously if she can be on the playground DD is on it and as we go into spring and summer she’ll be on it more often than she is inside, but she did spend most of Autumn term 2 and all of Spring Term 1 inside, this is a safeguard for both DD and the school because apparently if she has a serious fall or injury when they knew about her condition it’s a legal minefield. So I now want to ask school to stop letting DD chose a friend and instead let those friends volunteer, or ask them to do a rota with the whole class so DDs not allowed but everyone gets a fair chance to be inside.

WIBU to ask this? Or are these other solutions?

This has come up again today as school have called me to say she wants to go out in the snow but they don’t believe she did so kept her inside.

Other children get to choose who they spend their breaks with. Why should your DD not?

It should be made clear to the class that DD has this privilege because the risk is high for her. Would they really like to have to be careful and stay indoors or risk serious injury? Those kinds of comments are not on.

Ideally, other children should also be allowed to stay indoors, but unfortunately that seems like a school policy that's not going to be changed.

No, DD should be able to choose - the same way every other child gets to choose who they play with.

Why should she let them ‘use’ her?

If you trust the school, I would explain your concerns to them, that others are unhappy and DD is pushing herself to go outside to keep the peace, and then let the school decide how to handle it.

@Precipice DD doesn't want anyone outside her friendship group to know why she's allowed to stay inside and the teacher/school can't say anything to anyone else without my permission and it's not my information to give out.

The 5 involved the parents are all aware that their child may be chosen and why (they don't know specifics apart from the relatives but know it's medical) and had to say yes to allowing their child to be rotaed.

I think school would have them all inside or give them a choice but they just don't have the staff. DD is often supervised by either a TA or the lunchtime supervisors in the hall and it#s funded via her EHCP.

@Cinnamon23 Good point, I don't want DD to choose someone just because they're putting pressure on her.

Arent some people just wankers they really are. I would go up to any offenders and point out your child had a disability and as such has appropriate time indoors and can choose whomever the duck she likes and if their child isnt chosen so what. It's the school.and parents job to sort this out not your daughters but I would struggle not to wade in myself.

@BendingSpoons I have a meeting with the Senco and class teacher next week (2 different people) so I think I will mention it.

I was going to say call them out on it but if it isn't clear she has a disability and you don't want them to know you obviously can't.
I'd speak to the school about it to see what they think, it would be a shame if she wasn't able to ask who she wants though.

@mummyh2016 It's not that I don't want them to know, DD doesn't want them to and she's getting to an age now where she can choose who knows about her medical stuff.

I will definitely talk to school about it, maybe her teacher can think of a way they can let the class know without breaking DDs confidence.

I dont think other children should be forced to stay in if they don't want to eg through a rota, however, if theu are willing and she can choose or the teacher decide who and they are happy with that then thats fine. At that age its good to explore different friendship groups and so encouraging her to choose somone else or have the teacher choose sounds fair. You also dont know if she feels obliged to choose the same children as they are her friends. Persinally I would have the school make the class aware that she has a medical condition that determines if she can go outside or not based on how cold it is. They are 8 they will not need full detailed explanations and medical terminology but it may help them to understand why it happens.

@Thisismeyeah She has been encouraged by both me and the teacher to choose other children other than her friends, but sometimes she doesn't want to or she chooses another child alongside one of her friends.

The friends parents are all aware and could have opted their child out of the rota as well. Most children are only out one or two breaks/lunches a week (there's 2 playtimes and a lunchtime play per day so 10 playtimes and 5 lunchtimes).

This is absolutely horrible behaviour by the parents! You should tell the school they are enabling disability discrimination by allowing parents to make such comments. Your poor DD having to deal with nastiness like that from grown adults.
As an aside I think she should be allowed to pick her own friend, she’s already missing out on going outside to play. The behaviour from parents is what should be dealt with.

I may have missunderstood but I thought that only the 5 close friends are aware of any disability and it is not those 5 that are being malicious? Its is other children in the class who are not aware of any medical conditions?

of course she should be allowed to choose why should she be forced to hang out with kids she doesn't necessarily like in the name of 'fairness'

This is confusing. So are people making comments who are aware of any illness/medical condition? If so thats bad. If they dont know however they probably get their kids moaning that xyz stayed in today they never get picked.

Some of the parents whose DC don’t get regularly chosen by DD have also caught onto it, and have tried to become friends with me/DD and when that’s not worked, they’re now saying that DD “is the teachers favourite” and that everyone should be given the same chance to be inside and they will say it loudly as they walk passed us or ask their child loudly “So who did the teachers favourite choose to stay in with her today?”

  In your shoes, I'd expand  those parents  medical and social education PDQ.

@Thisismeyeah Only the 5 children in her friendship group are aware that theres a medical reason for her staying inside, only 1 of those children (a relative) is aware of the full reason. Those parents are fine with me and DD and all agreed to let their child be chosen by DD.

The ones being malicious are the parents of the children who aren't DDs friends who think their child should be chosen to stay in with DD because it's not fair that DD stays inside when it's cold/wet. Those parents and children do not know why DD stays inside so to them it looks like DD is favoured by the teacher.

I’d reply in very short words to those parents if it’s being done in front of you! How immature and pathetic!

I do think you would be best to make the class aware there is a medical condition which requires xyz to stay inside. They dont have to say what or explain. If you dont people will jump to conclusions and cast judgements. Its not really discrimination due to a medical condition though as they dont know about it.

You could get the teacher to discuss equity v equality - equality is you all get the same, equity is everyone gets what they need. I use the wearing of glasses with my 11 year old pupils - if I take X’s glasses off them it keeps you all the same but is it fair? Might provoke some thought without discussing your DD directly.

I think the teachers needs to explain to the parents that there is a 'specific reason' why dd needs to stay in and that she chooses friends to stay with and it is not down to not liking the weather, favouritism or anything like that.

That way she doesn't need to say it's medical if your daughter doesn't want that, but the parents know there is a genuine reason.

Your post was sounding all perfectly normal until the bit about the parents??!! They sound awful!! My son was 'chosen' occasionally by a child who needed to stay in for whatever reason and it was fine to be chosen or not chosen. I'm amazed these parents care that much about the weather?! Bizarre! Maybe they should get their kids some decent winter clothes and stop nosing into other people's business! I've never heard of people being weird about this situation before. Definitely don't cave into this unpleasant behaviour!

You'd have to be pretty stupid to not realise that the reason your dd is allowed to stay inside is due to a medical condition of some sort.

She absolutely SHOULD be able to choose which friend accompanies her.

Could you agree with your DD that between her, the teachers and you, you're gong to work on the wording of a note that will go out to all the pupils/parents in her class but keep it generic. The note would be asking parents to either agree or decline from allowing their daughter be added to the list of students who might be called upon to sit in.

In the same way I might receive a note saying that there is a pupil in my son's class that might have an allergy, and to not bring X, Y or Z into the school, that unless I actually brought X, Y or Z into the school I'll never know who the note is about. (I'm not conflating an allergy with your daughter's condition, just probably clumsily trying to explain my train of thought here)

This would require some work but something like this:
"The school has been made aware of a pupil in our student body who for medical reasons cannot do A or B. As such, we are asking for your permission to allow your child's name be added to a list of 'helper' students who may be called upon to sit with the pupil on occasion. We will only add your child's name to the list if we hear back from you. The date for replies to be received would be X day of Y month."

Something along the lines of the above would allow a list to be created and then perhaps two days a week, one of the names might be asked along with one of your DD's friends. Also, it would randomise who gets to sit with your DD when needed.

It's not divulging what the medical condition is. Would getting something like that out to the students/parent body be something that your DD would be comfortable with?

But the other kids are clueless they dont know there is a reason for them to stay inside and OP has madebit clear to the school she doesn't want anyone to know.