To ask school to not let DD choose friends for this?

[FallFallPleaseDont]

DD is 8, Y4.

She has a medical condition which means when it’s cold, or damp or she has a mild cold she has to stay inside in the warm or she can’t walk due to the pain or if she falls she could seriously damage her legs.

This is all documented in an EHCP and in the schools own Individual Education Plan (which runs alongside the EHCP and basically tells the school day to day whose doing what and when).

Obviously, the last few months due to it being winter it’s been extremely cold, or very wet. Some days she goes to lunchtime clubs but these don’t run everyday so on days when she can’t go on the playground without a club she’s allowed to choose up to 2 other children from the class to stay inside with her – the teacher encourages her to choose different children each time but theres only around 5 children in the class she considers a friend, so those 5 children are rotated between in either different pairings or 1 at a time – although often those children volunteer themselves to stay inside (which I don’t blame them for when it’s freezing outside!).

Others in the class have caught onto this, and when it’s been very cold have been asking DD to choose them. I am fine with this as is the teacher who has encouraged DD to branch out with friends but she always wants one of these 5 whether she chooses someone else from the class or not – these are not necessarily the 5 children she sits with at school but ones a relative of hers (from her dad’s side) and the rest are various friends who she does out of school activities and goes the parties of.

Some of the parents whose DC don’t get regularly chosen by DD have also caught onto it, and have tried to become friends with me/DD and when that’s not worked, they’re now saying that DD “is the teachers favourite” and that everyone should be given the same chance to be inside and they will say it loudly as they walk passed us or ask their child loudly “So who did the teachers favourite choose to stay in with her today?” It’s getting awkward for DD and she’s now trying to go outside even when school or I deem it unsafe (I am allowed to email school and say I don’t think the conditions are appropriate for playground time today and they keep her inside).

Obviously if she can be on the playground DD is on it and as we go into spring and summer she’ll be on it more often than she is inside, but she did spend most of Autumn term 2 and all of Spring Term 1 inside, this is a safeguard for both DD and the school because apparently if she has a serious fall or injury when they knew about her condition it’s a legal minefield. So I now want to ask school to stop letting DD chose a friend and instead let those friends volunteer, or ask them to do a rota with the whole class so DDs not allowed but everyone gets a fair chance to be inside.

WIBU to ask this? Or are these other solutions?

This has come up again today as school have called me to say she wants to go out in the snow but they don’t believe she did so kept her inside.

Sadly, it’s going to be a lifelong issue for anyone with a chronic health condition, you need to disclose a disability to be covered by the Equality Act and to receive reasonable adjustments at work. Colleagues will bitch and comment about leaving early / having breaks / adjustments on certain tasks unless they know it’s disability related.

It’s tricky but I wouldn’t encourage my dc to keep a disability a secret. I do have one who wants to do this atm but teacher has spoken to the class and said ‘Lily (not her name) will be doing x, y and z, there is a reason for it but it’s private and she doesn’t want to be asked about it’

@saraclara if the same child at your school sometimes stayed in at break time, you would genuinely assume it was be issue they are a teacher's favourite?

I'm not being goady at all, but am very surprised that someone would make that assumption. Can you explain why you would think that? Seriously interested.

Take the five you're happy with, then ask dd to choose a list of 5/10 more. Put all 10/15 on the rota and if dd wants someone especially today, or especially NOT today then she can have that but she must tell her teacher, who could adjust the rota accordingly, and keep an eye on who dd particularly wants, and very importantly who she doesn't want.

I would also tell dd that if particular children are trying to persuade her to go outside on a regular basis then you will have to explain to them why she has to stay indoors inthose circumstances.

Are they all involved in a long-standing game which they either can't play properly without her, or which they carry on without her and she finds it harder to join in when she's missed time?

Every sympathy with dd not wanting to disclose, I'm a wheelchair user myself and still not fully settled with other people seeing/knowing about it, and I'm an adult! She is covered by the Equality Act and Code of Practice whether or not she chooses to disclose, and this is under the Code of Practice a case now of direct discrimination which the SENDCo now needs to find a solution to, and has the training and experience to do this (or should have) as part of their role.

If dd does not want to disclose then there are still ways to address it, even if it's a case of taking those parents aside and being firm that there are often situations in a school that parents are unaware of, and accusations of favouritism are serious and need to be addressed with staff, not by being unpleasant to children and parents when the accuser has no idea of what is in place or why, or what harm they are causing. Then sort out the situation so that dd is not under pressure to provide children she does not want to play with, with the wanted experience of staying in. Because they are after the staying in bit, not through wanting to play with her. It's rather like demanding a go in a disabled person's wheelchair, or to have a go with their hearing aids.

And she's just missed a brilliant time in the snow and snowballs, snow angels and snowmen etc. I hope the teacher will emphasise to the children how horrid it is for her to miss fun things outside.

Have you not noticed that there are LOADS of people out there who are thick as mince? Unfortunately if you don't want them to be obnoxious about a hidden disability, you have to at least spell it out to them.

Sometimes, irritating though it is, you have to be pragmatic. And if I was the parent of a child who was being bullied by thick parents who don't know why she's kept in (because she looks absolutely fine) I'd encourage my kid to be a bit more open so that it could be spelled out to them that it's NOT favouritism. Until everyone in the country has enough brain cells not to be stupid, saying ' Well they ought to know better' is no help to the child.

@saraclara you're probably right but it's depressing nonetheless, adults should behave like adults and parents should set a good example. But yeah back in the real world...

No, I wouldn't make that assumption.

But given that I know that there are some seriously stupid people out there who will (and malicious ones who will airways look for the explanation that allows them to think the worst of people) I would always aim for an action that cuts them off.

It absolutely IS depressing. But my priority would be to protect my child from those people.

If the adults are thick enough not to understand the school will have a particular reason for keeping a child in, to the point of bullying an 8 year old, why do you think they will stop being obnoxious if they are told the reason? They will just bully her for being disabled instead of bullying her for being the favourite.

Your DD/teacher need to limit it to the 5 friends and have just them, not encourage others or give the impression other pupils can ingratiate themselves into ‘being DD’s friend’ so get a chance at staying in.

Not disclosing the general reason, opens DD up to comments, I’m afraid. She/teacher doesn’t have to give personal details but just say something like “I/DD have to stay in for medical reasons at certain times of the year on the advice of a doctor” or similar. If other children and their parents were told something like that, it would be much harder for them to make unkind comments because then they’d knowingly be attacking DD for having a medical condition. IMO, the choice to say something should be yours after explaining to DD. It’s not been to her benefit to hide the fact she has a medical reason, and it also implies that anyone in her situation should almost be ashamed. Again, a brief non-detailed statement would stop most of this.

I'm sorry but what person with any tiny amount of common sense cannot work out that if a child is regularly kept inside at break times, there must be a specific medical reason for that? It really isn't hard to work out that there must be something going on, even if you don't know the details. The parents making comments are clearly very ignorant, and I wouldn't be able to hold back from putting them straight.

Your daughter should be able to choose who she spends her break times with the same as any other child can.

Come off it. Anyone with half a brain would put two and two together and realise there must be a reason a child doesn’t go out in the bad weather.
They are just plain nasty making snide comments about a child.
I would be telling them to keep their nasty comments to themselves.

Posters pointing out that any parent with a brain must know there’s a medical reason are forgetting one important thing:

Many people are stupid. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I suspect that some parents have had conversations like the following with their children.

Charlie: Mum, Susie got to stay in with her two best friends again and I had to go out in the snow!
Mum: Did she? Is there something the matter with her, Charlie? Does she run and play just fine when it’s not cold out?
Charlie: Yes! There’s nothing wrong with Susie, she just doesn’t like the cold. And she never chooses ME to stay with her!
Mum: Oh my poor darling child, banished to the Arctic wastelands of the outdoors while that teacher’s pet Susie stays indoors in the warm!!

Or some variation of the above. And yes, you would think that they would know to take things that their 8 year-old says with a grain of salt, particularly when that 8 year-old is disgruntled because of not getting something they want. But again, many people are stupid.

The school should have an indoor option for everyone in adverse weather. It's ridiculous to expect the children to go out in the cold and wet. That would avoid having to single out anyone with a disability.

A rota assuming say 15 girls in the class means an individual child will only be indoors once in three weeks or so, and I cannot imagine your DD would be happy to only be with any friend that infrequently.

I don't know what would be best sadly, it's an invisible disability and not anyone's business unless you or your DD want it to be. Hope you can find some solution.

I think the best way to cut down on this is to have a weekly rota of the friends. E.g, next week Dora and Elsie are staying in with DD on the breaks when she needs company, all agreed in advance. So there's no daily focus on it at all. This could be worked out half termly with any swaps (e.g. if one of them is off school) sorted by the teacher if necessary.

Hopefully having it organised previously and remaining the same over the course of a week will mean it becomes less interesting to everyone.

Definitely don't make your DD spend loads of time with kids who she doesn't really like or trust, on the basis that some of their parents are bullies!

Sorry your daughter has to miss out on things she would enjoy, that sucks for her.

Who pissed on your cornflakes?!

It's clear there are parents who are too stupid or too ignorant to perceive that if one child regularly stays indoors, there has to be a reason for it.

To me, the issue is the secrecy around it - this is letting the situation build into something much bigger than it needs to be. A simple, basic explanation, just enough to make things clear would knock this on the head.

Your DD should absolutely not feel ashamed or embarrassed about having a medical condition - plenty of children do.

How times have changed though. I remember in olden times a boy in my class who never did PE and was off sick a lot - none of us ever questioned it or really gave it a second thought, even though I hated PE with all my being! I still don't know why, and I don't need to. Same boy grew up to become a very successful academic. I think back then we were more accepting in some ways.

I've read one page of posts, not all, so sorry if repetitive.
I currently teach Y6. In my experience of teaching Y3 through to Y12, most young people are very understanding of illness. Many also have an acute sense of fairness! If you could persuade your daughter to allow it to be explained that for medical reasons sometimes she needs to stay in, in a very low key way, that might solve problems. No notes home, no special talks. The other parents sound lunatics- why do they care at all? And as I'm sure as someone will have said, Fair and Equal are not the same!

I’m sorry your child has this condition, that must be very hard for all of you.

I can only see two ways forward, either

1. you allow the teacher to tell the rest of the class that there is a medical reason why DD sometimes stays in, or
2. it continues to look like DD has been given a very unfair privilege for no reason st all, with all the bad feeling that will continue to generate.

It isn’t fair to expect the other parents to work out that DD has a good reason for staying in. Most people aren’t very bright/empathic. If you’re keeping this secret then don’t be cross that others don’t know what the secret is.

Even if u explained to all some would never get it. Unfortunately when you have a hidden disability you learn to live with such comments. Perhaps talk to school about what is happening and see if they can come up with a solution.

The inconsistency of her being in and out won't help with parents understanding. I can see a situation where 1-2 times a week a child mentions at home your DD is kept in and it comes across like she's being given a special privilege because the children (and parents) don't have enough information to draw a better conclusion. I never do the school run but I can see how my child would come home saying this, and I could easily jump to an incorrect conclusion based on a child's version of events. I wouldn't make the comments you have had to deal with though, that's uncalled for.

A simple explanation it's for a medical reason would be enough to stop most of the issues you're facing.

From the teachers POV if parents are asking it is very difficult for the teacher to know what to say too. If the teacher was able to say "X stays in for a medical reason" it shuts down any follow up points parents may think they have.

In my experience all that being open does is give the arseholes the opportunity to discuss if, in their opinion, the disability or condition is serious enough to merit the special treatment.

Any parent who openly talks about a child the way the OP’s child is being spoken about is not suddenly going to be super reasonable and understanding

It’s currently making a far better deal of it than needs to be precisely because the daughter doesn’t want people to know. Of course parents want to know why there is an exception made for her. It’s fair enough she doesn’t want to tell people but it’s also causing issues so either the daughter can be persuaded that nobody actually cares about her condition or this farce continues. Just even say she has a health condition. I really feel for teachers having to deal with this.

But what you are saying is for the school/teachers to disclose that there is a reason why, if its not favouritism, then it will be mental or physical. The OP has made it very clear that she does not want any information passed over!