To ask school to not let DD choose friends for this?

[FallFallPleaseDont]

DD is 8, Y4.

She has a medical condition which means when it’s cold, or damp or she has a mild cold she has to stay inside in the warm or she can’t walk due to the pain or if she falls she could seriously damage her legs.

This is all documented in an EHCP and in the schools own Individual Education Plan (which runs alongside the EHCP and basically tells the school day to day whose doing what and when).

Obviously, the last few months due to it being winter it’s been extremely cold, or very wet. Some days she goes to lunchtime clubs but these don’t run everyday so on days when she can’t go on the playground without a club she’s allowed to choose up to 2 other children from the class to stay inside with her – the teacher encourages her to choose different children each time but theres only around 5 children in the class she considers a friend, so those 5 children are rotated between in either different pairings or 1 at a time – although often those children volunteer themselves to stay inside (which I don’t blame them for when it’s freezing outside!).

Others in the class have caught onto this, and when it’s been very cold have been asking DD to choose them. I am fine with this as is the teacher who has encouraged DD to branch out with friends but she always wants one of these 5 whether she chooses someone else from the class or not – these are not necessarily the 5 children she sits with at school but ones a relative of hers (from her dad’s side) and the rest are various friends who she does out of school activities and goes the parties of.

Some of the parents whose DC don’t get regularly chosen by DD have also caught onto it, and have tried to become friends with me/DD and when that’s not worked, they’re now saying that DD “is the teachers favourite” and that everyone should be given the same chance to be inside and they will say it loudly as they walk passed us or ask their child loudly “So who did the teachers favourite choose to stay in with her today?” It’s getting awkward for DD and she’s now trying to go outside even when school or I deem it unsafe (I am allowed to email school and say I don’t think the conditions are appropriate for playground time today and they keep her inside).

Obviously if she can be on the playground DD is on it and as we go into spring and summer she’ll be on it more often than she is inside, but she did spend most of Autumn term 2 and all of Spring Term 1 inside, this is a safeguard for both DD and the school because apparently if she has a serious fall or injury when they knew about her condition it’s a legal minefield. So I now want to ask school to stop letting DD chose a friend and instead let those friends volunteer, or ask them to do a rota with the whole class so DDs not allowed but everyone gets a fair chance to be inside.

WIBU to ask this? Or are these other solutions?

This has come up again today as school have called me to say she wants to go out in the snow but they don’t believe she did so kept her inside.

But what you are saying is for the school/teachers to disclose that there is a reason why, if its not favouritism, then it will be mental or physical. The OP has made it very clear that she does not want any information passed over!

You need to ignore the other parents.
Your dd should just ask who she wants to stay with her or let her friends volunteer. As long as they are happy to stay in then that should be the end of it. I think getting any more involved in it is daft as is asking school to do a whole class rota. This is bonkers and is really over complicating things.

It's hard when your child has a hidden disability, I've been there, done that and got the t-shirt. My mil said to me the other day that she has decided that I and a load of medical professionals are right and my dc1 is autistic. It has taken her 7 years longer than the professionals and 14 years longer than me but there you go, some people just don't listen and think they know better.

It's a tricky one with how to deal with the parent bullies. Years ago my son came out of school complaining that "Sam gets to play with lego when we all have to do writing" and similar things. Now I don't know much about Sam apart from he has a one to one teaching assistant. Like a normal person, I explain to my son that Sam needs help with some things and that sometimes it may seem unfair etc. My son at 4 understood that but a lot of parents seem to think that they or their children are getting short changed because another child is getting reasonable adjustments for their SEN. My dc school had to keep the reception doors locked because one mum was allowed to have her child handed over to her in reception by his one to one in case he made a run for it. Then loads of other parents decided they wanted to wait for their dc in the warm too so the playground was empty and the reception was rammed with parents, kids and buggies.

Of course there are always daft rumours going around the playground at drop off like "did you know the council pay for Sarah's children to get a taxi to school because Sarah fell out with Emily's mum?" and "did you know that Oliver gets x, y and z because his mum is on the pta.?"

Wow, you’re incredibly rude! It’s part and parcel of the job, and her dd has the right to privacy. Not everyone wants everyone to know about their medical issues - I speak from experience. I have a medical condition but I hate when my friends tell other people, as it brings attention to it and I don’t want that.

The school needs to handle this, and sort out the other awful parents.

Teachers are up to their eyes. Of course other parents are asking why their child can’t stay inside when one can. All that has to be said is she has a medical condition and that’s it. It’s actually making it more of a big deal the way it’s being dealt with now and I’d wonder how much the child has come to terms with her condition if she can’t bear to have people apart from five know, how healthy is this for her. The school can’t sort out the other parents, what are they meant to do???

The issue is the parents want their children indoors too, and are acting childishly.

The teachers can say for personal/safeguarding/? reasons of a private nature a classmate will stay indoors for part of the year…and will be joined by friends so she doesn’t sit alone at lunch.

Preferential treatment has not been given, and this information has been relayed to her classmates. Could parents please refrain from commenting and gossiping about this, as this is unacceptable behaviour and will be treated as bullying if it continues. Please ask that you respect this arrangement, and ask that your children do too.

Mention Behaviour that is considered harassment, such as questioning child, parent, or befriending child to gain entry to class.

Maybe she doesn’t want to be defined by her condition, it doesn’t mean she hasn’t come to terms with it. She may not want to be fielding intrusive questions either.

I thought you were going to say she was becoming unpopular as the children all wanted to go outside and play. It's very odd that the whole class want to stay inside and miss playtime to sit inside with a girl they don't normally interact with and their parents are all jealous of those she does select.

The school and in the future any employer need to know about a disability to make reasonable adjustment. School friends and work colleagues do not.

Speaking as someone with a life long disability and having faced the same issues both and school and at work,I also find your comments to be rude, and also quite offensive. This is a private matter between the school, DD and her parents, and if DD doesn’t want her medical condition disclosed, then no-one should be forcing her. It’s a very delicate matter - she’s a young girl and ‘coming to terms’ with her condition, should be done on her own terms and in her own time, not at the behest of the rude, intrusive, and quite frankly nosey parents of other children. There’s an easy way to deal with the parents - either the school can do it, or DD’s parents can. Tell them there is a very good reason for what’s happening and it’s private and the agreement is between the school and DD. Absolutely no-one elses’ business. They need to grow up.

No, DD doesn’t want it known that she has a disability/health condition. I’m not for one moment suggesting that they should disclose that. The other parents are speculating as to the reason so obviously something has to be said otherwise the bad behaviour will continue. All they have to do is say that there is a confidential agreement between the school and DD/parents, it’s nothing to do with anyone else and can they please stop the harassment.

Agree. No one with any level of maturity would think that - they would assume that there was some sort of health condition and empathise with the child.

I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but it’s also of no help to the child if you disclose her disability before she’s come to terms with it herself.

And if that action forced your DD to do something she didn’t want to do, and disclose her disability before she was ready, or had come to terms with it herself ? What then ? She is the priority, not stupid, immature parents who can’t think beyond their own limitations.

Nope. It’s not the job of those with a disability or health condition to educate everyone else. There’s something called the Equality Act 2010 that does that. The school are complying with that, and that’s all that matters. You absolutely do not force a child to disclose a health problem before they’re ready, just to satisfy rude, intrusive and immature nosey Parkers.

Yes some people are capable of putting 2+2 together to get 4,
Same kid never goes out, must be a health reason

Others end up with 5
Some of the girls stay in, never the boys must be a favourite.

Seriously what is wrong with clearing it up kid needs to stay in for health reason.

I am also not sure why the fact that your dd has a medical condition is a secret. The nature of the medical condition is of course private but simply saying that X is staying in due to an illness should just shut down all this favouritism thing. I am pretty sure the kids know anyway.

Seriously what is wrong with clearing it up kid needs to stay in for health reason.

Because it’s not their business.

Plus idiots who jump to favouritism rather than the obvious aren’t going to be happy with “health reasons”

Its simply going to push their bitching and gossiping to the type of health reasons. Then the seriousness of health reasons.

Then even if you tell them that your child has to stay in because they’ve got one leg, one arm and a partially decapitated head they’ll be mithering on about how their friend’s neighbour’s sister’s dog’s previous owner has a child with no legs and a totally decapitated head but they still go out at playtime because they use their arms so it’s obviously still favouritism…

Giving information doesn’t stop these people

I've not said anything at all abut forcing. In fact I said in a previous post that maybe OP could have a gentle chat with her DD to talk about how she feels and te pros and cons of each action to see what she thinks.

It is ABSOLUTELY the child's choice and no way should the school say a word. I have never indicated otherwise. I am passionate about privacy.

My posts were addressing the posters who seem to think that everyone should just understand and be kind. Sadly life isn't like that (I've seen it both from the teacher perspective and with my own children) so I think one has to be paragmatic, accept that these thick and unkind people exist, and talk with the child about where to go from here (if indeed she wants to change anything at all).

Because DD doesn’t want to.

And if I was the parent of a child who was being bullied by thick parents who don't know why she's kept in (because she looks absolutely fine) I'd encourage my kid to be a bit more open so that it could be spelled out to them that it's NOT favouritism. Until everyone in the country has enough brain cells not to be stupid, saying ' Well they ought to know better' is no help to the child.

This is what you said, and what I responded to. DD doesn’t want to disclose her condition. That’s the end of it. And ‘well they ought to know better’ is of no help to the child, I agree. But neither is encouraging her to be ‘more open’ until she’s ready to, and she’s obviously not. This is just another example of able bodied people wanting to get in on something that should be specific and exclusive to someone with a disability or health condition. It needs to be shut down and it needs to be stressed that if this young girl is not ready to disclose her disability, rude, thoughtless people shouldn’t be allowed to force her into doing so. It’s none of their business.

Why are people not getting it? This young girl does NOT want her disability or health condition disclosed. It’s between the school, DD and her parents. In the same way, when she starts work, the disability will be between the HR dept and her immediate line manager, and any adjustments that need to be made because of the Equality Act 2010 are between her and her employer. Her work colleagues are no more entitled to know why the adjustments are being made than the parents who are kicking up a fuss now. It’s private, it’s protected by law, and it’s nobody’s business but their own.

The school can’t sort out the other parents, what are they meant to do???

Yes they can. It’s an ‘adjustment’ for DD under the Equality Act 2010. It concerns DD, her parents and the school. Nothing to do with anyone else. What are the parents meant to do ? Mind their own bloody business and give a disabled child a break.

She's not disabled. She has a condition that is affected by the cold. And the parents are entirely unaware of that.

The school simply cannot tell the other parents that the chold has a medical issue, because they have a duty of confidentiality.

Basically this thread can be summed up in two sets of two words.

People suck
Confidentiality matters

What do you say to the parents when they say these things within earshot of you and your child? What have management said about their behaviour? Has a meeting been held with these parents?