To ask school to not let DD choose friends for this?

[FallFallPleaseDont]

DD is 8, Y4.

She has a medical condition which means when it’s cold, or damp or she has a mild cold she has to stay inside in the warm or she can’t walk due to the pain or if she falls she could seriously damage her legs.

This is all documented in an EHCP and in the schools own Individual Education Plan (which runs alongside the EHCP and basically tells the school day to day whose doing what and when).

Obviously, the last few months due to it being winter it’s been extremely cold, or very wet. Some days she goes to lunchtime clubs but these don’t run everyday so on days when she can’t go on the playground without a club she’s allowed to choose up to 2 other children from the class to stay inside with her – the teacher encourages her to choose different children each time but theres only around 5 children in the class she considers a friend, so those 5 children are rotated between in either different pairings or 1 at a time – although often those children volunteer themselves to stay inside (which I don’t blame them for when it’s freezing outside!).

Others in the class have caught onto this, and when it’s been very cold have been asking DD to choose them. I am fine with this as is the teacher who has encouraged DD to branch out with friends but she always wants one of these 5 whether she chooses someone else from the class or not – these are not necessarily the 5 children she sits with at school but ones a relative of hers (from her dad’s side) and the rest are various friends who she does out of school activities and goes the parties of.

Some of the parents whose DC don’t get regularly chosen by DD have also caught onto it, and have tried to become friends with me/DD and when that’s not worked, they’re now saying that DD “is the teachers favourite” and that everyone should be given the same chance to be inside and they will say it loudly as they walk passed us or ask their child loudly “So who did the teachers favourite choose to stay in with her today?” It’s getting awkward for DD and she’s now trying to go outside even when school or I deem it unsafe (I am allowed to email school and say I don’t think the conditions are appropriate for playground time today and they keep her inside).

Obviously if she can be on the playground DD is on it and as we go into spring and summer she’ll be on it more often than she is inside, but she did spend most of Autumn term 2 and all of Spring Term 1 inside, this is a safeguard for both DD and the school because apparently if she has a serious fall or injury when they knew about her condition it’s a legal minefield. So I now want to ask school to stop letting DD chose a friend and instead let those friends volunteer, or ask them to do a rota with the whole class so DDs not allowed but everyone gets a fair chance to be inside.

WIBU to ask this? Or are these other solutions?

This has come up again today as school have called me to say she wants to go out in the snow but they don’t believe she did so kept her inside.

they will say it loudly as they walk passed us or ask their child loudly “So who did the teachers favourite choose to stay in with her today?”

Parents said this? They sound utterly pathetic.

@Kennykenkencat My DDs dad is here and would never give me permission to take DD abroad to live, for one. But I have a job here, and have never lived abroad or been interested in it.

The parents sound like idiots and bullies.

The school also don't sound like they are getting it right, though. It's bizarre that so many kids are so keen to stay inside even when they are not friends with your daughter. It suggests that maybe the children are being sent out in quite bad weather when indoor playtime would make more sense. If they are being sent out in the rain and then having to spend the day in wet shoes and trousers I can see why they are so desperate to stay in. But the parents should be raising this issue of indoor playtime with the school not through passive aggressive comments to you and your child.

Who did the teacher's favourite choose

Direct discrimination against you and dd on the grounds of her disability. Right there.

School need to shut this down firmly and hard, and they had a duty to be proactive and see this coming before you and dd were exposed to it. They need to get on it now, and sort this out, and yes the 'choosing' needs to be taken off dd's shoulders. Instead she can make a quiet list with the teacher of who she'd like to invite to play, and the teacher can select from the list daily to offer those children. Which is only mediating what dd would do if she was free to be outside playing. Chronic pain and disability is no privilege, this needs making very clear to those parents and children.

If it was me, firstly I’d call them out when I heard something - it’s a grow adult bullying your child with passive aggressive comments!!
Id also let the school know exactly who was being a dick and expect them too to have a word with the parents and children.

Chornic paid and disability is not a privilege and they need to make that clear.

But how do they do that if not allowed disclose that information or anytging to suggest that OPs DD needs to stay in?

This but the school cant say anytgung as they are not allowed to disclose any information its not thar simple and thats where OPs issue is, she needs a solution without letting any information out.

To the reply about why live here 🤣🤣🤦‍♀️
i can answer why this is not as simple as transporting your child to a different country.
we have a similar issue with DC and she has the same routine at school. She however is just as vulnerable in a heat wave, as she is in wet and cold weather. She spends a lot of her life receiving treatment that you can’t just Rock up with to another country due to the cost of these

If the other parents have an ounce of intelligence they will know that there must be some medical/social/behavioural reason why the same child is allowed to stay in at playtimes.

I suspect the best way forward is for your daughter to be consulted about who she would like, draw up a rota the teacher can keep somewhere out of sight, and then for the teacher to present it each day as if it was her decision. Not "Jenny, who would you like to stay in with you", but "Mary, Penny and Jenny, please stay inside today".

They might even consider distracting from your daughter and easing some of the perceived unfairness by allowing more children to stay inside - if someone is supervising her anyway, they could probably have a couple more. If they asked who wanted to be on the rota to get to stay inside (it might not be everyone), they could probably then draw up a rota that always includes one of her friends, plus 2/3 more, without it being obvious that her friends are getting slightly more turns.

I think you do need to make sure the school are aware about the pressure being exerted by both children and parents, and find a way to stop that happening.

I think any adult with a mod of common sense would realise that there was a good reason and not just favouritism.

However, having got a child with a physical disability, it makes it a far smaller thing if the child is happy to state it basically. "Why do you get to stay in?" "I have a medical condition that means that if I get cold then...."
The bigger issue you make it, the bigger it becomes in the children's eyes. I know with dd's condition, some parents think the best thing to do is a full school presentation and some people thing the way to go is make sure everyone knows it shouldn't be mentioned at all, ever, but most are in the middle of explain what needs explaining and it's the child's choice to go further or not. Most children are interested rather than nasty at first. There are exceptions though.

What I'd do is talk to your dd about things she can say: "I stay in because the cold makes me ill". Or she can go for the full medical terminology.
In dd's case this is "I have congenital amputation defect of the left upper limb below the elbow." her basic answer was always "I was born like that". The latter works most of the time, the former shuts up people who are wanting to know more and she doesn't want to tell them.
Or there's also flip answers. For dd: "A shark ate it" or (on one occasion on a mini train where a child wouldn't shut up) "I stuck it out of the window on a train". Those need to be done with confidence though, which it sounds like your dd may not be ready yet.

She should have her friends. Everyone else chooses who they spend breaks with.

The parents sound nasty bullies and should be ashamed. It’s pretty obvious if one child is allowed to stay in and nobody else is that the child has a specific reason for it. It should be obvious to children of that age let alone their parents.

Do you not think the teacher has enough to bloody do? Fgs you are making a mountain out of a molehill. The school are being more than fair to your daughter. Just leave them to it. It’s ridiculous 5 people know your daughter has a condition and the rest don’t. The simplest solution is you convince your daughter just to ask the teacher to tell the class she has a condition rather than have all this hullabaloo

I think the secrecy surrounding the reasons for her not going outside is building this all up into something bigger than it is. I would speak to DD and explain this and let the school tell the other children that there are personal health reasons which means she needs to remain inside in the colder months and that’s that.

If the parents and the rest of DD's classmates don't know that she has a disability, then of course they're going to question why she gets to stay in on cold wet days when other kids don't. No wonder they think it's favouritism.

They'd have to be thick as mince not to realise there's probably a reason, and just nasty childish shits to make loud PA comments in earshot.

I think that’s appalling. Judging by their behaviour the kids in the playground have more maturity than the parents !! Their own common sense should tell them that if a child is being kept inside at break times, then there is a good reason - nothing to do with favouritism. OP, the next time there’s a nasty comment from the parents, without breaking your DD’s confidence, point out to them that there is a good reason she’s kept in and if you’re questioned tell them it’s none of their business and that, clearly, their own kids are better behaved than they are.

From an outsiders perspective this sounds like parental driven bullying - ie. you and your daughter are being bullied into her normal choices being limited.

It is perfectly normal for any person child or adult to choose who they want to spend their free time with.

I think you need to speak to the school about this problem and not about forcing your child to spend time with children she doesn't want to.

Why the hell should she ? What they’re doing amounts to disability discrimination. If they’re supposed to be adults then they should have enough common sense to know that if she’s being kept inside in cold/wet weather then it’s for a reason. Yet another example of something that a disabled person has been envied by perfectly able bodied people with absolutely no good reason. It’s pathetic.

I agree that this could be a moment where your daughter realises that sometimes it's better to be a bit more open with people she spends so much time with.

I think the secrecy is the problem because people have concluded that your daughter is being treated preferentially, which is causing problems for pretty much all concerned. If parents are behaving like this towards you, it would not surprise me if the teacher has had some flack for it as well, which would be a shame when it seems like they've been very supportive of your daughter.

Her daughter doesn’t want all and sundry to know she has a health condition, and there’s absolutely no reason to do so. These are grown adults behaving like children and they need to be told in no uncertain terms that it’s unacceptable. And the school are not being ‘more than fair’ they’re complying with the conditions of a health condition, not to mention the Equality Act 2010.

Surely all the school has to say to these parents is that there is a good reason DD has to stay indoors, it’s confidential and that the bad behaviour should stop. And also that they should be ashamed of themselves for bullying a child.

This. Someone upthread also mentioned that she thought the teacher had enough to do without this on top. Surely the op has enough to do without the parents displaying totally unwarranted and pathetic passive aggressive behaviour.

All they have to do is ask the OP - she can confirm there’s a good reason without breaking her DDs confidence. And then their answer to the kids questions should be that it’s for a good reason and that if they’re not in DDs group of friends they shouldn’t expect to be picked.

why on earth should the child be forced to tell people personal information because they are so mean spirited and nasty to not use common sense to realise there must be a reason why this child is allowed to stay indoors sometimes. What that reason is is none of their business - full stop. The child should absolutely be allowed to choose a friend to stay with her, just like all the others get to choose to play with friends at break time. No way should she be made to invite class bullies that only want to spend time with her to stay indoors!

YABU your daughter gets to choose who she spends her break with. All you'll get is kids staying inside because it's cold and just ignoring her.

This has come up again today as school have called me to say she wants to go out in the snow but they don’t believe she did so kept her inside.

But if they had believed her they would have let her out even though she can't go out in the cold??

“So who did the teachers favourite choose to stay in with her today?”

They just aren't worth the time of day if they truly think it's because she's favoured!