To ask school to not let DD choose friends for this?

[FallFallPleaseDont]

DD is 8, Y4.

She has a medical condition which means when it’s cold, or damp or she has a mild cold she has to stay inside in the warm or she can’t walk due to the pain or if she falls she could seriously damage her legs.

This is all documented in an EHCP and in the schools own Individual Education Plan (which runs alongside the EHCP and basically tells the school day to day whose doing what and when).

Obviously, the last few months due to it being winter it’s been extremely cold, or very wet. Some days she goes to lunchtime clubs but these don’t run everyday so on days when she can’t go on the playground without a club she’s allowed to choose up to 2 other children from the class to stay inside with her – the teacher encourages her to choose different children each time but theres only around 5 children in the class she considers a friend, so those 5 children are rotated between in either different pairings or 1 at a time – although often those children volunteer themselves to stay inside (which I don’t blame them for when it’s freezing outside!).

Others in the class have caught onto this, and when it’s been very cold have been asking DD to choose them. I am fine with this as is the teacher who has encouraged DD to branch out with friends but she always wants one of these 5 whether she chooses someone else from the class or not – these are not necessarily the 5 children she sits with at school but ones a relative of hers (from her dad’s side) and the rest are various friends who she does out of school activities and goes the parties of.

Some of the parents whose DC don’t get regularly chosen by DD have also caught onto it, and have tried to become friends with me/DD and when that’s not worked, they’re now saying that DD “is the teachers favourite” and that everyone should be given the same chance to be inside and they will say it loudly as they walk passed us or ask their child loudly “So who did the teachers favourite choose to stay in with her today?” It’s getting awkward for DD and she’s now trying to go outside even when school or I deem it unsafe (I am allowed to email school and say I don’t think the conditions are appropriate for playground time today and they keep her inside).

Obviously if she can be on the playground DD is on it and as we go into spring and summer she’ll be on it more often than she is inside, but she did spend most of Autumn term 2 and all of Spring Term 1 inside, this is a safeguard for both DD and the school because apparently if she has a serious fall or injury when they knew about her condition it’s a legal minefield. So I now want to ask school to stop letting DD chose a friend and instead let those friends volunteer, or ask them to do a rota with the whole class so DDs not allowed but everyone gets a fair chance to be inside.

WIBU to ask this? Or are these other solutions?

This has come up again today as school have called me to say she wants to go out in the snow but they don’t believe she did so kept her inside.

Use the flip-side of the argument....

If your DD chooses someone - how would they feel if they had to stay inside with her even if they wanted to go out? That should be where the differentiating line lies.

I agree that nobody else should need to know why this arrangement exists, other than it does. And they're CFs for even asking.

This!

listen i was the kid who had to stay inside, i don't understand why the medical condition is so secretive, just let the other kids know that her body's not healthy and the cold makes it worse

I've never understood this obsession with children being outside in Winter. Yes, there are some who want to run about/play football/let off steam but most just seem to stand about chatting. Standing up on a boring piece of tarmac. In 5 degrees. Workers don't do this on their breaks. Families who are having a chat don't insist they all go into the garden or stand in the street in the cold. By all means let the children who want to run around go out but let the others socialise normally ,inside. Like normal people. I used to love a wet playtime!!

@Alicetheowl I think it depends where you live. I’m in Northern Scotland and for nearly half the year the kids come to school in the dark and leave school in the just-about dark. Fresh air and light even just for fifteen minutes a day is surely better than going from darkness to inside and back again. There’s loads of studies that show the positive impact of being outdoors on children and on mental health.

@FixTheBone No child is forced to stay inside, if they are asked and they say they want to go out DD picks someone else.

@Alicetheowl The problem is staffing, there's 3 classes per year here, teacher has to have her break, and there's only so many TAs especially after infants/KS1. Here there's only 2 fulltime TAs and 2 parttime TAs who work with KS2/juniors. 2 TAs can't supervise potentially 90 children in 3 classrooms inside, so the majority have to go outside.

The TA/Supervisor is funded by DDs EHCP which is why she's the exception to the rule.

Totally she should have her friends.

@FixTheBone And to add to this, some lunchtimes DD is sent to inside clubs, like Lego, or Craft or board games etc to ease the burden on TAs/Friends. These only run on 3 lunchtimes a week and DD can pick if she goes or not and gets to pick which club as well as some lunchtimes theres 2 or 3 to choose (theres 1 she likes more than the others though).

If the parents and the rest of DD's classmates don't know that she has a disability, then of course they're going to question why she gets to stay in on cold wet days when other kids don't. No wonder they think it's favouritism.

I'd suggest a chat with your DD to explain this to her, and point out the downside of her wanting to keep it to herself. She shouldn't have to tell others but in this scenario she can't really have it both ways.

I think your dd should be allowed to choose but if the choosing is causing issues (other children pressuring her), then the teacher should choose. she should be able to spend her break with her friends as everyone else can.

unfortunately though, your dd doesn’t want to share that she has a medical condition and a consequence of that is that other children think it isn’t fair. Similar to a diabetic child being allowed sweets in school etc, it appears unfair if they don’t know the reason. Parents should know better and it doesn’t take a genius to work out that there’s a medical reason.

could you agree something that your dd is happy with - ‘there’s a reason for it but it’s private’ etc although she will probably get asked questions and will need to figure out how to answer. I have an autistic child who doesn’t have to participate in certain things and she hates these questions.

If she’s old enough to decide that she doesn’t want others to know then she’s probably old enough to be involved in working out how to navigate it. You could also ask the teacher’s advice as they may have dealt with similar before.

reelsetogo90 that's a fair point for your area, but I don't think most of the UK has those sort of conditions-we were made to go outside and this was Cornwall! Also I I suspect most of those studies you refer to include going for nice walks or enjoying the countryside, not standing 5 metres from your classroom.

this . My grandson has a medical condition that affects him every day and can be embarrassing but he does tell his fellow pupils if they ask .

I also think the secrecy isn't helping. Nobody needs to know the detail.
Just she has a condition that gets worse in the cold.
How is she going to cope in secondary if it means she gets to sit out of PE when all the other kids are freezing doing cross country or hockey.

You either explain or people will make up what they don't know. It wouldn't really cross anyone's mind that she gets to stay in because of medical reasons.

Plenty other kids must have issues like asthma, diabetes, glasses and hearing aids.
Make her feel its no different to glasses or an inhaler people sometimes need things to help them though life.

I hated my glasses and would hide them if I could so would take them off between classes but really they are kind of hard to hide.

Tbh any parent dim enough to think that one random child is just allowed to choose to stay in is still going to huff that their child isn’t chosen even if you tell them it’s because of a disability.

It would take two seconds of thought to work out that there is a reason for it.

@FallFallPleaseDont
Why doesn't your DD want to tell anyone? I really think there is a lot to gain from being open about these things. If it was a toileting related condition or something little children see as amusing, then I understand, but based on what you said, it sounds like an auto immune type of condition which are not uncommon. She should not feel embarrassed about any medical condition or disability and it helps to have it known to raise awareness. There is a child in my DD class same age group and similar school size and their condition is known to the class. It was explained by the teacher and the children had opportunity to ask questions. There is also a child with diabetes and their condition is known. They all accept it as normal. My DD who is very good friends with this child doesnt see it as a 'problem' thats just who they are and they get on so are friends

I have been in a similar situation as child. My friend has cystic fibrosis and need extra snack etc but the whole class knew. I would of thought your parents would have sussed that your daughter stays inside for specific reason.

Your child stays with the 5 children she want to stay with

Other children who are being nasty or bullying ( or their parents) report them

This is silly, every school has children who stay in for one reason or another, and their companions, and it really doesn't have to be this big a deal

I think the simplest solution is to make the whole 'staying in' more low key. Not sure how your dd chooses or let's the teacher know, but I used to feel so bad for the poor mites who had to stay inside I'd make a big fuss and make it seem that it was a big special treat, the teacher could innocently be doing this not realising it's backfiring. I'd say what you said here to them and they'll find a solution.

Oh, but your dd absolutely gets to choose who she wants.

If one child in the class gets to stay inside and pick a friend it’s very obvious to anyone with a brain that there is some kind of issue with that child , it’s absolutely nobody else’s business what that reason is .

We have the same set up for daughter in the exact same year and she chooses. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I also wouldn’t let parent dictate my opinion on it.

I think whilst it is your dds right to choose who knows about her medical condition she does have to understand that people will jump to all sorts of conclusions given the circumstances

Even pulling up the ones who think it is favouritism and saying that it isn’t favouritism that Dd has to stay inside in cold weather, surely they can’t really think it is favouritism and how you would love your child to be treated the same.

I know it is a bit of a leap but if your Dd is so prone to these issues in cold weather. Why do you live here in the U.K. Have you ever thought about moving to sunnier climes

I was reading about someone recently who has moved to Southern Europe with her parents after being diagnosed with a condition that is brought about by cold weather

I know I won’t be in this country next winter We were meant to have gone in April 2020 but Covid got in the way and I have struggled through the recent winters .

I agree with this. It's not fair and it's a shit part of having chronic illness, but people always make assumptions and there is a trade off between privacy and getting people to accept accomodations. I'd try to very gently explain this to her, maybe it is better to allow the classmates and parents a small amount of info.

If, knowing she has a disability, they still call it favouritism, then they are being dicks and my response would be very different.