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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Yesiamtiredactually · 09/03/2023 14:47

I can completely understand why you cancelled. I think I would have felt like the extra 3rd wheel at their catch up? Even though that’s not how it was intended at the start.
feels potentially a bit tone deaf of your two friends too to invite their friend along seemingly randomly?

EightChalk · 09/03/2023 14:47

NeedToChangeName · 09/03/2023 14:38

This extra lady is nice, she's keen to meet your baby. I think you should have gone to meet them

And then arrange to meet the other 2 another time

MN is full of people who hate socialising, so it can be a bit of an echo chamber here

I have vocally opposed people doing what the friends did on this thread, but I LOVE socialising with new people and making new friends - just not all the time. Sometimes you just want to spend time with people who are already your friends, so you don't have to have a casual chat suitable for strangers/acquaintances. OP hasn't seen these friends for ages, and was presumably looking forward to a proper catch-up without needing to broaden all of the conversation out to include this new person.

Mangomingo · 09/03/2023 14:49

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 14:44

For those saying I damaged the friendship by cancelling - the friendship was already damaged by the scenario.

Now come on.
The friendship hasn’t been damaged by anyone. Your friend made a slight social misstep, you did too and that’s all there is to it. Happens every day in long friendships. Literally the tiniest deal.

Chocolateandcherries · 09/03/2023 14:51

What I would have the problem with is the random woman expecting a cuddle with my baby. I’d happily hand her over to family & friends but not to someone I barely know.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 14:51

Yeah hopefully @Mangomingo

OP posts:
notacooldad · 09/03/2023 14:54

Bleugh, it's not my babies role to go around cheering people up, or for an intermediate friend to offer him up for that service
I think you are being dramatic and over thinking here.
Sure, they maybe looking forward to seeing the baby but things like ' can't wait to give baby cuddles' are often platitudes except from very close friends or relations.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/03/2023 14:54

OP if you didn't feel up to it, you didn't feel up to it and that's that.
Its early days for you.
And the gatecrasher's comments were insensitive, which further put you off. I think you were right to cancel.
Its such a performance travelling distances to socialise with a new baby when they could have come nearer to you anyway.
Friends should/will understand.
If they don't, they aren't really friends.
Try to just let this fall off you and not dwell on it too much.
You will probably see things in a different light in a few weeks anyway. Don't let this one thing grind you down. Plan some nicer things nearer home if you can.

thisplaceisweird · 09/03/2023 14:54

You're right OP. This was instigated by them, they made it seem like they wanted to meet you. You've just had a baby, that's huge. It should be about you, celebrating you and the baby and it should have been set up in a way that prioritised making it easy and comfortable for you.

creekingmillenial · 09/03/2023 14:54

Don’t do that. Message your friends and tell them your actually quite overwhelmed and would really value them coming to you and meeting with other lady another time. Explain how you are feeling.
In the past I have 100% been guilty of running away/giving up when I feel hurt or rejected but honestly most of the time people have no idea and wouldn’t want you to feel that way. Be honest. Be brave. Ask for the support you need.
If they say no then come back and we’ll all give you love and sympathy, but most likely they’ll want to be supportive.

VivX · 09/03/2023 14:55

I think you were reasonable to cancel. The friend-of-a-friend woman is an acquaintance not a friend and if you didn't feel like hanging out with acquaintances with your new baby, then it is absolutely fine to decide to rearrange.

The friend (1) who invited her friend and added her to the group chat was a bit rude, even if unintentionally so.
She should have made a separate arrangement with her other friend and not simply invited her along the original meet up.

You also don't need to feel any responsibility to the friend-of-a-friend for her feeling awkward for gatecrashing or her being disappointed that she didn't get cuddles with the baby of an acquaintance. If it is an issue for her, she should take it up with friend (1) who created the situation in the first place.

PersonaNonGarter · 09/03/2023 14:55

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 14:44

For those saying I damaged the friendship by cancelling - the friendship was already damaged by the scenario.

Come on, OP. ‘Damaged’ is a bit dramatic, isn’t it? They can’t be great friends if you are so quick to throw them out merely for including another nice person in your circle.

Having a new baby is tough, but your friends probably thought you might just like a bit of fun and this woman was nice. They got that wrong but no biggie FGS.

I think you may have this out of proportion and yes there is a risk you might have embarrassed the friend who invited the new woman, and that’s not great. Also, even people who say they like baby cuddles aren’t really that interested. They are just being friendly.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 14:56

Yesiamtiredactually · 09/03/2023 14:47

I can completely understand why you cancelled. I think I would have felt like the extra 3rd wheel at their catch up? Even though that’s not how it was intended at the start.
feels potentially a bit tone deaf of your two friends too to invite their friend along seemingly randomly?

Well that's it, those 3 live near each other and see a lot more of each other, I'm I'd the 3rd wheel and whilst sometimes that's fine it really wasn't what I thought was going to happen or what I was looking forward to. I don't have the energy to make random conversation with this extra person and its really hard work conversationally to be the 3rd wheel. The dynamic is changed as others have said.

Hopefully they'll have a nice time tomorrow and I'll rearrange individually with the other friends. It does feel like my meeting has been stolen from me but I'm sure that'll pass. You can't help how you feel soMetimes

OP posts:
cstaff · 09/03/2023 14:56

I'm with you OP. If I want to meet up with my friends I don't appreciate turning up and another one, two or more of their friends have also been invited. A couple of years ago I was invited over to my friend's house for lunch and turned up and there was about 10 or 15 other people, none of whom I had ever met before also invited. There was nothing wrong with the rest of the group, just not what I was expecting.

Anytime after that, if we had arrangements I would always verify who and how many would be around.

notacooldad · 09/03/2023 14:56

For those saying I damaged the friendship by cancelling - the friendship was already damaged by the scenario
Because you allowed it to be.
It's you that took the huff!

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/03/2023 14:57

OP, it’s your hormones.

It’s perfectly fine to not want to see an additional person when you meet with friends. Personal preferences etc.

What’s hormonal is catastrophising that into “I know how little I mean to them,” and “I’ve had a cry.”

No one is devaluing you. No one. Friend 1 was a bit gauche in assuming you’d be happy with the nice acquaintance, that’s all.

You have a new baby, your emotions are all over the place a you’re feeling fragile. That’s ok. Take things at a speed you are ok with. But don’t start assigning motives to other people. Communication is better than assumption.

PersonaNonGarter · 09/03/2023 14:59

It does feel like my meeting has been stolen from me but I'm sure that'll pass. You can't help how you feel soMetimes

YOU cancelled. No one ‘stole’ your meet up. Life is imperfect, you can still enjoy a meet-up even if it isn’t exactly how you planned. But you decided you’d rather have no meet up than one with this woman. Your call to make.

Aavalon57 · 09/03/2023 14:59

I'm with you on this one, OP, hormones or no hormones. I have a friend who used to do that all the time. Invite me for dinner - another mutual 'friend' would be there as it was a 'nice surprise' for me. I invite the friend to birthday drinks, she brings along another mutual 'friend' who I just didn't have anything in common with, even though I'd known them for years. Yet if my friend did stuff with these mutual friends, she would never dare to bring me along uninvited. It showed that she seemed my boundaries or wishes didn't matter as much as the other friends did. It got to the point that if we arranged a meet up, I had to ask her if she was only inviting me or if anyone else was coming! She got the hint. Whether you like the third person or not is irrelevant. It totally changes the dynamics, and now that you've said that the original friend added both friends to the meet up, it seems she's not bothered at all, really. So sorry.

fancyfrogs · 09/03/2023 15:00

OP, I'm with you. I also have a newborn and I think a lot of posters here and probably your friends with the older kids have forgotten what it's like and how the hormones play havoc with you for a good while. Yeah, you may look back and think you've been a bit overly sensitive but so what, it's hormones and hindsight is a wonderful thing. I think you've done right to cancel if it's not what you wanted. For the first few weeks I craved adult company but also didn't want to see anyone at all and cried a lot. No PND, just hormones. It's tough! Hugs x

notacooldad · 09/03/2023 15:01

For those saying I damaged the friendship by cancelling - the friendship was already damaged by the scenario
It does feel like my meeting has been stolen from me but I'm sure that'll pass
I'll leave them to their catch up and try to arrange a meet for another time. :( ( the sad face!!)

Jeez, this all a bit dramatic!!

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 15:01

@creekingmillenial the other person was already in the chat and making transport arrangements/suggesting venues before I'd replied so I didn't feel I could do this.

Next time though I will have all this MN wisdom to fall back on

OP posts:
Yesiamtiredactually · 09/03/2023 15:02

You are totally allowed to feel upset, there is no chance I would invite another friend with me to meet a close friends newborn. It’s supposed to be an intimate catch up between close friends not something where friends of friends can tag along?

Mamoun · 09/03/2023 15:03

YANBU. You're a new mum vulnerable, want to see your friends you feel safe with, not a stranger.
Open up to them.

aloris · 09/03/2023 15:04

I don't understand how OP is the bad guy when friend 1 is the person who keeps unilaterally changing the conditions of the meetup. This isn't the kind of meetup where you spontaneously decide to go for a coffee at Costa and invite acquaintances because they happen to be in the area. This meetup was planned 6 weeks ago. Now friend1 has twice changed the number of people, even inviting someone OP barely knows, and has even changed the location to make it much more inconvenient for the new mum. Friend 1 has been incredibly rude and somehow it's OP's fault.

Ugh.

Mamoun · 09/03/2023 15:05

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/03/2023 10:17

I've just cancelled in hopefully a polite way and had a little cry. I just feel hurt and multitasked tbh.

Seriously, that is the hormones.

And so what?
She should just suck it up?
Yes baby blues is real, it may make people a bit unreasonable but it should be respected and new mum supported.
All the way with you OP

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 15:08

Aavalon57 · 09/03/2023 14:59

I'm with you on this one, OP, hormones or no hormones. I have a friend who used to do that all the time. Invite me for dinner - another mutual 'friend' would be there as it was a 'nice surprise' for me. I invite the friend to birthday drinks, she brings along another mutual 'friend' who I just didn't have anything in common with, even though I'd known them for years. Yet if my friend did stuff with these mutual friends, she would never dare to bring me along uninvited. It showed that she seemed my boundaries or wishes didn't matter as much as the other friends did. It got to the point that if we arranged a meet up, I had to ask her if she was only inviting me or if anyone else was coming! She got the hint. Whether you like the third person or not is irrelevant. It totally changes the dynamics, and now that you've said that the original friend added both friends to the meet up, it seems she's not bothered at all, really. So sorry.

I agree she's definitely not as bothered as I am. And I'm allowed to feel sad about that.

OP posts: