Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

[bluesofacushion]

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

People can be rude and cheeky...I moved abroad and my best friend who hadn't flown on her own before mentioned that a work colleague had asked to come with her to visit me. I vaguely knew the colleague who was a widow and felt obliged to say okay. It completely altered the dynamic between my friend and I and she was (the widow) a ruddy pita, practically dictating the whole visit. Ruined the whole week and I never even got a thanks.
I know just how you feel OP don't blame you one bit..cheeky mares.

I feel really sad about it but I couldn't say let's stick to the original plan, they'd already added her to the group discussion and she's already posted "haha sorry about gatecrashing"

I missed that bit. That is awful, sounds like the third woman is now considered part of the meeting group going forward. Sorry but I don't think your friends see the friendship in the same way that you do OP.

This is why I cancelled

I don’t think they mean any harm at all, but I HATE HATE HATE it when friends add someone on I don’t know well that wasn’t in the original arrangement. I might be over the top but it really pisses me off. I’ve never done it, think it’s really rude. And it is scary to drive your precious baby alone for the first time. I don’t necessarily think you shouldn’t go, you could have a really nice time. But I feel your pain!

No pregnancy hormones here, or new baby… infact with no baby, this would still piss me off.
I absolutely hate small talk so it would be an unpleasant experience for me. So I totally get it.

YANBU I would hate that too.

When you have kids I think social Multitasking as you put it is sometimes the only way to regularly catch up with friends, I didn’t think and when my friend became friends and would meet up when I wasn’t available it was nice. I do think you’re over re reacting.

Also them saying this other friend wants baby cuddles is just a nice way of the person who doesn’t know you well acknowledging you and the baby and t trying to make you feel special.

Being a mum can be lonely, don’t risk losing friendships or not seeing friends because it’s not your idea of perfect for you.

I think it's awful that they didn't ask you first & give you the chance to say that you'd rather her not be there.

Maybe another time but stick to the arrangement this time.

The OP was hoping for a get together with old friends, the chance to catch up and have an adult discussion. Sure there'd be baby cuddles, but there would be a lot more as well.

However the 'friends' (especially friend 1) seem to have appointed her, or rather the baby, as their afternoon's entertainment. The OP is just there to present him to be cooed over.

I get that they won't see the baby that much so they're excited, but for the OP she has the baby every day and is probably desperate for some other adult company. The friends aren't considering the OP at all, only themselves.

Thank you. I think I would have just felt crap if I'd have gone.

Well, this thread seems to be half and half between those who think you made a mistake and others who don't think you did.

I think you did and the fuss about driving, parking, feeling upset because someone wanted to cuddle your baby marks you out as someone who feels they should be wrapped in sparkly wool -after all, you would have been very upset if they had said, 'Don't bring the baby-can't do with squalling, nappy changing and taking attention away from our conversation.

Anyway, you have sent what I consider a rude and precious response and it seems your friend, with her reply of okay, thinks the same-no matter what posters on here may say.

So now you have to decide what you want to happen as there is still time to rescue the situation.

If you are not bothered about seeing them again, then leave it be and put it out of your mind. There will be other friends to come.

If this is not the case, then I would pick up the phone and speak to your friend and sort it out by actually speaking with her-text is not ideal for this type of conversation-real words in a real conversation is much better.

I think there are people here gaslighting you about being irrational due to being hormonal. It would annoy me too, the only thing I would do differently would be to say what the problem is to the two original friends, and actively try to rearrange another date straight away. "I really want to see you but I'm nervous about driving to X area anyway, and whilst I like Sandra I just started to feel overwhelmed by the drive, the number of people, doing it all with the baby, and I'm not yet at the stage where I'm happy to hand my child over for cuddles to those who I don't know extremely well (like you two!). Would you both like to come over one evening next week and have a coffee and catch up then? How are you set for Monday or Wednesday, say 6pm?"

Gosh these responses are awful.

I think it’s lovely they invited her along, I can’t grasp why the three canr become a four or why the meet up had to be all about the op. People can be so exclusive and happy to isolate others.

op do you normally react like this or do you think possibly something else is going on?

I think friend 1 is just a more the merrier type. She may also feel worried about other people feeling excluded and so invites more and more people. I am absolutely like this myself and even just today have had to sit on my hands to prevent myself inviting more and more people to a drinks tonight at mine. It’s not that I don’t want to see the originals, actually I’d prefer to, I just worry a lot about leaving people out.

So I can see myself in friend 1 but I can also see myself absolutely in you - you’ve constructed an entire narrative here about your importance to friend 1, the status of your baby, the extent of your friendships etc etc. absolutely been there done that as well as actually this is not about you at all! Your friends like you and they want to see you, perhaps as a new mum you’ve built it up a lot more than they have but they were looking forward to it too.
You are probably going to lick your wounds in private a bit now but there would have been no thing wrong with a bit of back channel comms to your friend to say you really like lady 3 but can you stick to the original
plans this time. Friend 1 would probably have been astonished that you don’t want more and more people there but absolutely not cross and I am sure would have sorted it. I think the way you’ve done it now potentially could sound like you’re cross with them and nobody responds well to that.
hope you catch up with them soon

I feel sad for this poor woman who was invited along. Who knows why they invited her, maybe she has been a bit down and they thought seeing you all, especially a new baby would cheer her up. Now she feels like she has 'gatecrashed'. I do think you might be over reacting a bit OP. Everyone is busy. They probably thought they could catch up with a couple of friends at the same time.

I'm with you OP. My friend did this recently and I just didn't want to see the extra person, even though they're perfectly nice it just changes the dynamic and we'd never see each other otherwise. I also cancelled.

With my friend, she just didn't think. We spoke about it afterwards and it hadn't clicked for her that I wasn't close to the extra person, she assumed everyone was as close as she is. And my friend doesn't get out all that much so admitted she was trying to pack loads in. Didn't mean she didn't value seeing me.

But completely get where you're coming from. Maybe just explain you're not as close to that extra person, and you could really use some girlie catch up time x

I think it’s lovely they invited her along, I can’t grasp why the three canr become a four or why the meet up had to be all about the op. People can be so exclusive and happy to isolate others.
op do you normally react like this or do you think possibly something else is going on?

I see this more and more on MN. I'm starting to see how the friend in the OP could think that she has done nothing wrong. Can you not understand that people are different from you? It may be lovely to you but not everyone feels the same.

This extra lady is nice, she's keen to meet your baby. I think you should have gone to meet them

And then arrange to meet the other 2 another time

MN is full of people who hate socialising, so it can be a bit of an echo chamber here

Bleugh, it's not my babies role to go around cheering people up, or for an intermediate friend to offer him up for that service

But why? Op is not offering baby wrangling as a public service, she was just trying to meet up with some friends.

I feel like bowing out to allow them to have their meeting together is fine. I didn't say she was gatecrashing, she said that herself.

I've said to both friends I would love to catch up properly and proposed other times. If not then, well I know where I stand,

I think in this situation a phone call with friend 1 was needed to explain how you felt. I think depending on what was put in the message, it might come across a tad off.

I do think you are overreacting and potentially reading far too much into it, but they are your feelings and that's absolutely fine, im not trying to say you shouldn't feel how you do.

If i had catch up arranged with my good friends and they invited another of their friends (who i knew) my first idea would not be that they were uninterested in me, i would just think they were being kind to the other lady and inviting her along.

I think a good old chat is in order so they can try and understand your feelings. It easy for these things to drift and become wierd over messages. Dont let the friendships drift because of these things xxx

This extra lady is nice, she's keen to meet your baby.
Sorry, I forgot to quote this.

For those saying I damaged the friendship by cancelling - the friendship was already damaged by the scenario.

I've said to both friends I would love to catch up properly and proposed other times. If not then, well I know where I stand

I know you have made the decision you needed to for your own feelings, their feelings are probably hurt now too (it could be seen that they know where they stand because you didn't think enough of them to still meet just because there was another person there).

There's no winners in this situation. Unless they know that you don't like including anyone else, they would never know this. Have you ever told them that this is how you feel?