Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

[bluesofacushion]

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

I agree that Friend 1 seems to be making changes unilaterally. The addition of the fourth would be annoying but what would really get me is the changing of the location to one more convenient for the rest of them. That was rude.

I don't think hormones are responsible for you feeling pissed off, but I suspect they won't be helping with the other emotions associated with it. I think it's more than reasonable to feel annoyed by this, and to politely cancel - it's this bit "I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed" that suggests hormones might be adding another layer to that and making you feel more sad and rejected by the whole thing than you need to be.

I would definitely talk to or text friend 1 and explain that you are feeling a bit fragile and really needed it just to be the people you were expecting this time, and not to have to travel, and that at another time you'd be happy to join a bigger get together, because you have nothing against acquaintance 1 and they are a nice person. That would be a bit of social smoothing that would probably be a good investment for the friendship.

Friendships can be a bit unbalanced - I have local friends who I would call my best friends, but I know that that's not mutual - we have mutual friends who are even more their 'best' friends than I am. For a group get together, I wouldn't necessarily expect them to instinctively understand which of our mutual friends/acquaintances count as close enough to me for me to be comfortable around.

Basically, I think you are reasonable to be annoyed and to cancel, but I very much doubt your friend is quite as uncaring as you are feeling, and I would want to take steps to make sure the friendship was OK. I wouldn't feel the friend needed to be punished for this mistake that it may not have seemed at all obvious to them was a mistake.

YANBU

Ordinarily I wouldn’t see the problem but you do have a new baby and will most likely be breastfeeding, knackered etc.

It’ll be interesting to see if there is a next time. We have a friend in our group who is sensitive and socially anxious at times. She cancels if the terms of the meet up isn’t exactly to her comfort (which is of course, fair enough, and her prerogative). Ie venue change, time change, extra person joining, it can be anything.

All it means is that everybody sees her much less often, some don’t see her at all. Everyone is busy, and catching up with 3 friends is much easier than making 3 separate appointments with individual people.

This 4th woman is your others friends friend. So they will feel the same about you as they do about you. You not wanting to see her, will feel a bit offensive and strange to all of them. They MAY just accept it, and make another plan with you. Or your friendship might just slowly fizzle out. There’s no way to tell, and there’s no right or wrong, in my opinion.

This comes down to personality types, I think. If you're the 'more the merrier' type, fair play to you. I'm not and the addition of another person into a meet up with friends would really throw me off and I wouldn't look forward to going at all.

Your friends have down played your catch up, really and all of the 'cuddles' stuff for the non-friend is ridiculous!

I can see why you're feeling disappointed, OP, BUT I do think you need to give your friends the benefit of the doubt if they are 'more the merrier' people - maybe they just didn't think you'd mind?

If they don't get back to you re; rearranging then you'll now where you stand.

You'll soon have lots of lovely Mum friends so no need to worry 😊

This reminds me of my friend, let's say 'Alice', who I was solidly a friend of a friend with for years. I scheduled lunch with our mutual friend when I was about 18 weeks pregnant and mutual friend invited Alice without asking me.

I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant outside my immediate friend group and family until my 20 week scan, including Alice, which I had to explain to mutual friend. I was showing at that point. Mutual friend was very understanding and was more sensitive about that stuff as a result of our conversation.

Fast forward to present day and Alice and I now live a stones throw from each other and happen to be on maternity leave at the same time. We've become mum friends!

So yes, I agree with others here that you are sensitive because you're a new mum and that's ok, it's completely understable. I would have felt exactly the same way. Be honest with your friend. I also agree with those who say a new mum should be casting the social net wide because it's a lonely job at times and you never know what'll happen in the future.

Maybe keep the get together in the diary but tell your friend you also want to do something just the two of you.

The more you post, the more it seems like jealously of the friendship that the other 3 have. You'll struggle throughout life if you can't accept other people's friendships and integrate yourself in at times. Just my opinion.

It seems to have been changed from one & then two good friends wanting to meet your baby to a meet up of friends/acquaintances & one happening to bring a baby along.

I think anyone can be pissed off when what they thought was going to happen isn't going to any more.

"Suggesting venues"? Do you mean changing the venue from the one agreed 6 weeks in advance?

Not hormonal or introverted. YANBU I have a friend who does this all the time even if the meet up is at my house, always wants to invite someone else along. I love meeting new people (and disagree withPP saying if you like to keep meetups to certain people you will end up friendless! ) but sometimes I just want it to be people I am comfortable with, can share stuff in confidence without worrying about being judged or people gossiping or have a really good laugh. It is OK to want different things at different times and fine for you to say not comfortable with acquaintance joining.

A new person does totally change the dynamic and sometimes I have been the one to invite a new person along to a group thing, but have always of course asked others first and only to something casual not a close friends catchup. Also wouldn’t bother me at all if someone said they don’t want that this time. Perfectly understandable for people to feel differently.

If they are good friends who like the OP for who she is the friendship is hardly going to be damaged by her asking for what she needs.

Hope you can arrange a lovely catchup at yours OP with your close friends and all will be well again.

I really feel for you OP and I hope you reschedule a meeting with your friends on your terms. It is annoying when people change the nature of an occasion etc. A few years ago I arranged to spend a few days with my dd1 who was living a couple of hundred miles away as a F1 doctor. We had it all planned, me leaving my youngest two with dh ( they were about 7 and 11) - and then I arrived there to find dd1's bf of a few months had also come for the visit ( he was a f1 also and was living a long way from her as well). Even more it was Ramadan so he wasn't eating or drinking in daytime hours ( it was June). I still had a lovely time but it wasn't the same.

I feel like had this post come from the view of friend 1 the replies here saying what she did was okay would suddenly not be okay. 'Around 6 weeks ago I arranged to meet with my dear friend Sarah who has very recently given birth and wanted to introduce me to her new baby and also a good excuse to catch up as it's been so long since we've been able to agree on a date. I decided to invite Jane along because she's also close with Sarah and with me. We planned on meeting somewhere in the middle. My other friend, Kate who has met Sarah a handful of times caught wind of this and wanted to come along too for baby cuddles. I assumed Sarah would be fine with this but to make things easier for me, Jane and Kate we decided to change the plan to something a little closer to where us 3 live but that's fine because Sarah can drive. We added Kate to our group chat and then updated Sarah about the new plans. Sarah has since cancelled meeting us and I'm not sure why' .

You're right @flannelonthesink she doesn't get it and I don't want to cause a fuss

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
I had it happen to me a couple of times in the past - rare meetup, and an additional person I didn’t even know was invited along - I found it annoying and as you said, it came across like social multitasking.

I totally understand your disappointment, and at that stage of motherhood I think I’d have felt a bit tearful & upset about it, your were looking forward to something as a bit of a lifeline and then been railroaded into changing it to something else.

in fairness, I think your friends probably just haven’t thought about it or thought about how vulnerable you may be feeling, they’ve just though, ooh, baby, exciting!! No harm inviting someone else who loves babies!! but they should have been more considerate in asking if that was okay first.

If that was me I’d actually put on the group chat that the other woman sounds great and you’d love to do a meet up with her some time, but you’ve been feeling a bit vulnerable and were really looking forward to a catch up with just you 3 where you didn’t have to travel so far and the dynamic was familiar.

FWIW I do also think they were being dicks to move the location closer to them whilst it’s you that got the baby to think about! That shows a real lack of consideration.

This is a really good way of looking at it.

It really isn't an ok to do this as far as im concerned and I'm fascinated that so many people would be fine with it

Then the other 2 aren't your friends then because by your logic you aren't seeing them despite who else is there?

Right so, ops 'friends' wanting to change the location, venue, invite other people and this causing OP to be out of sorts makes them amazing, wonderful kind fabulous people, but OP a dramatic person who demands to be wrapped in sparkly wool and a dreadful horrible person to this wonderful friend of a friend.
Basically OPs needs and opinions matter fuck all as long as the rest of them are happy?

From OP's other posts, the three friends all live near each other and see each other fairly often. So likely they are thinking that a location near themselves would be more convenient than all three having to drive to the OP. They are probably thinking that it just makes more sense for one person to travel than for the three of them to travel.

Of course, given that the original meetup was just supposed to be OP and Friend1, I think that rearranging the location to one more convenient for the three of them only makes their behavior MORE rude, not less so. Friend 1 has essentially canceled the original meetup between herself and OP, and made it a totally different meetup where OP is a third wheel who isn't even necessary to the meetup. But in a sneaky way where she doesn't acknowledge that she canceled their meetup because she got a better offer. It's very mean of Friend 1, frankly, and also not very nice of Friends2 and 3 to let OP's meetup be ruined because they didn't have the grace to recognize they were overstepping.

Also, since the other three friends live near each other, IMO that makes it even more rude that they sidelined OP in the meetup. If they live near each other, they can see each other anytime and with relative ease. Why did they have to horn in on OP's meetup with Friend1 that has been penciled in to her calendar for 6 weeks? Why did they have to start changing the location to one which meant OP would have to drive with a new baby who might start getting cranky for a nap a half-hour into the meetup? Way to be unsupportive of a new mum!

From OP's other posts, the three friends all live near each other and see each other fairly often. So likely they are thinking that a location near themselves would be more convenient than all three having to drive to the OP. They are probably thinking that it just makes more sense for one person to travel than for the three of them to travel
They're coming to see a fairly new baby, though. Pity about them if they'd rather not travel to do it!

Did they change the venue though?

A few people have said that, but not actually the OP. She only said it’s been in the diary for 6 weeks.

I don’t think it’s unusual to agree a date without a firm venue plan. Or even for it to be considered a big deal to ask for somewhere else. What does it matter if you say, “Dog & Duck, 12th March?” then later someone says, “on the 12th - could we do the Black Horse instead?”

Absolutely this.

It does feel like my meeting has been stolen from me

And as for this....you stole it yourself by cancelling and stamping your feet.

Not to mention the 3 of them could have piled into 1 car as well to keep the original meeting place.

OP hasn’t said what living near to each other means. Some people are replying like it’s another town - when it could be a mile down the road!

I think its totally reasonable to feel the way you do, sort of side-lined from your own meeting with friends. I have just had my third child and most of my close friends popped round in the first couple of months after I gave birth, bringing me treats / lunches / gifts. That's what I would do for any of them as well. It's not a drink down the pub or a chat where anyone can come along - it's a big deal for you!

All well and good that you could reverse this situation from their perspective wondering why you cancelled - but in reality if anyone had posted that, here, this group would have put them straight!

To be fair, on my first baby I had a lot of similar instances with friends that I realised weren't that great or supportive to me - they have since not been a major part of my life. I haven't fallen out with anyone but directed my energy and time elsewhere - sometimes having a baby makes you realise your time is precious and that you only want to spend it with people who are worth it. You might spend some time re-evaluating what you need from friendships now, but believe me you are going to make lots of a new friends on your parenting journey and be a lot happier for it.