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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 09/03/2023 13:32

Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 09:51

It wasn’t a catch up with a single friend, it was a catch up with two friends that has turned into a catch up with three friends.

OP, I think you should go along to the meet up, your friends are still there and if the other woman is nice enough, it is unlikely to be a spoilt event. They all know your baby is not a doll.

Show quote history

No, it was a catch-up with two friends and a friend of a friend. Different dynamic entirely.

Barbecuebeans · 09/03/2023 13:32

callthataspade · 09/03/2023 11:38

Fuck that

They're friends but you don't see them regularly so this is a big thing. In the diary for six weeks.

Firstly they change the location to suit them. Despite knowing you're a new mum. Why aren't they fucking asking what's easiest for you? They've been there. They know how overwhelming it is.

Then they invite someone else along. Doesn't matter who the fuck it is. She wasn't part of the original plan. Why can't she have a catch up with her old friends. Time and a place to catch up with a random you never actually see and it's not now

And yeah the 'she wants baby cuddles' would fuck me right off.

And no. No pregnancy hormones here. Just basic manners and treating friends with a bit of respect.

All of this.

And I'm quite happy to meet new people, travel to see friends etc. but not have plans changed unilaterally at the last minute. I'd be thinking they're not as bothered about you as you are about them. This doesn't mean you don't have to be friends with them any more but I'd just be thinking they are not so much in the close friend category.

If I had a friend who'd just had a baby, I'd be fitting in around them, I'd make sure we went to a venue that suited them and I certainly wouldn't be inviting randoms along without checking.

knittingaddict · 09/03/2023 13:35

Forensix · 09/03/2023 09:44

But you are still seeing your friends and catching up. Maybe you're not in a good headspace at the moment to be meeting up if you feel this way.

Doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with op's headspace. Why suggest that it's op's "fault" for feeling like this?

It changes the dynamic completely to have an acquaintance included and the op is justified in not liking that. Also I think it's not really fair to expect op to drive to them, but I'm sure others will disagree.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/03/2023 13:35

Totally understand your feelings. And, I think it’s a very good idea to call up the friend you’re closest to and have a chat.

Barnstormaway787 · 09/03/2023 13:35

It’s not about closing doors to meeting new friends in general, it’s about choosing the appropriate time and occasion when you do this.

Fine to invite a new friend to a big group meet up or when it’s been previously arranged with a couple of friends.

Not so fine to change arrangements when visiting a friend for the first time after they have given birth.

MultipleVeganPies · 09/03/2023 13:35

Perfect? I’d think “FGS! Why you gotta make things so complicated”

ReadersD1gest · 09/03/2023 13:36

MultipleVeganPies · 09/03/2023 13:35

Perfect? I’d think “FGS! Why you gotta make things so complicated”

Op hasn't complicated things, that happened with the inclusion of some random without a by your leave.

AHelpfulHand · 09/03/2023 13:38

Why can’t you make friends with her?

by sending the message you did, you’re coming across like you have an issue with this woman.

Creeateausername · 09/03/2023 13:38

MultipleVeganPies · 09/03/2023 13:28

I think people who are “close the doors people” set themselves up for a limited social life with dwindling numbers of friends.

it’s easy-going people who end up have more And less complicated, friendships

i think you made a mistake with this one OP

i am naturally not that easy going, but old enough to know that you can’t control other people like this. By cancelling and making her feel bad for having invited along another person you’ve damaged the friendship a little bit. And for what?

I agree with all of this.

Ilkleymoor · 09/03/2023 13:39

I think you're not wrong, I like meeting a range of people and am generally more the merrier but in this situation it's completely understandable that you just want to see your friends and talk about your lives. Ask your friends to go back to the original plan but in a call way - be great to see her another time but I'd really like just to catch up with you two this time. Everyone is an adult and can deal with this, especially as they changed the plan.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 09/03/2023 13:41

EightChalk · 09/03/2023 11:36

I think the world is divided into people who think "the more the merrier" and people who don't. I am definitely in the latter category and hate it when friends bring or invite other people to planned meet-ups. It changes the whole dynamic and means you have to make bland small talk with a stranger or acquaintance instead of being able to talk to your actual friend(s) properly, refer to running jokes, etc. There are different types of socialising and sometimes you're in the mood to meet new people, sometimes not. "The more the merrier" people don't seem to make this distinction. I cannot understand their mindset at all, and I'm sure they feel the same about people who don't want them to invite extra people.

Agree with this completely

Derbee · 09/03/2023 13:43

Sorry that you’ve cancelled and are feeling upset about it. But I think it’s a bit OTT and you may well have put an end to meeting up with your 2 friends for now.

ConkerGame · 09/03/2023 13:46

OP YANBU

I’m a confident, physically very active, outgoing and sociable person but I would have felt exactly the same as you in your circumstances. Your friends are being pretty crap and inconsiderate to a new mum.

In our friendship group new mums get complete preference for the first 3 months - we arrange all meet ups at their convenience and wouldn’t dream of asking them to travel. And we all have kids so it’s not as if the rest of us have no logistics to sort out.

OP if these are usually good friends then I would call whichever you are closest to/is usually more understanding and just explain how you feel (in a non aggressive way). Explain that you are struggling a bit post-birth and could really do with them coming over to spend some quality time with you. Their response will show you whether they’re a real friend and worth your time or not.

Things will get better with time, OP, I promise! The first 6 months can be very tough 💐

ConkerGame · 09/03/2023 13:48

@MultipleVeganPies many people believe it’s better to have fewer, closer friends than lots of acquaintances.

(I have both so no axe to grind).

But honestly, what’s the use in having a “friend” who isn’t even there for you when you need them post-birth?

aloris · 09/03/2023 13:51

Your friends were rude. This meetup was in the calendar for weeks and then at what sounds like the last minute they totally changed all the terms. They added someone you don't know well and changed the location which, it sounds like, means you'll have to drive somewhere instead of being able to just be at home. With a small baby that means you'll also have to pack a bunch of baby stuff; you'll be at risk of being late because babies tend to poop out of their clothes just as you've gotten them changed and dressed to go out. If he gets cranky and nap-ish, you may need to leave in a hurry if he becomes inconsolable. It would be much easier for them to come to your house.

They made an arrangement with you and then changed it because they got a better offer with a different friend. They also added her to the group chat before they asked you if it was ok to change the meetup, essentially backing you into a corner where you couldn't say that you'd rather stick to the original plans, without it being very awkward.

I would not be impressed by them.

LadyMcLadyface · 09/03/2023 13:52

I get why you'd feel put out, I recently met up with two friends and we never get to see each other (schedules), took ages to get in the diary. I knew another local mum who was going to be in town that day and could've invited her but didn't as it would've totally changed the dynamic, some meetups it's fine to bring people I think but in the situation you've described totally understand why you'd feel like this.

Testina · 09/03/2023 13:54

Honestly I read this bit “fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking” and am instantly biased - people who freak out about parking tend to just make a drama about things generally, I find.

And that seems like what’s gone on here.

Like you getting prickly that your baby is not a doll… it’s just a throwaway line, a social nicety, about baby cuddles. She’s not treating him like a doll - she’s just signalling that a new baby is a nice thing and worth visiting. No reason to be uppity about that.

Some people have said she’s a random - she’s not, you’ve met her and you like her. She just hasn’t become a 1:1 friend.

So what if people “multitask”? It makes sense, and it can be fun.

Bringing someone you’ve met to your house unexpectedly with a 2 day old = bad.
Adding someone you’ve met to a group meet = fine.

They only become bad friends if you say, “actually I really only fancy meeting you both” and they say “tough luck”.

Hellybelly84 · 09/03/2023 13:54

I wouldn’t be offended in any way - could it be that time is short for her and she is trying to see everyone together? She might feel theres a few friends she needs to catch up with and thought this would be easier.

I totally get what you are saying though, hard to have a proper catch up with people there you dont really know. Next time message her and say absolutely come to yours (dont budge on that) and then you can make sure its just you and her.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 13:56

Oh gosh so many replies

With my last message I meant that I am not friends with the 4th person (even though they are perfectly nice) and I define this as that I wouldn't choose to spend time with her independently and she wouldn't with me either. We are not friends. Some people consider everyone their friend and that's fine. I consider special people I want to spend time as friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 13:58

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/03/2023 13:35

Totally understand your feelings. And, I think it’s a very good idea to call up the friend you’re closest to and have a chat.

I don't feel up to it, I feel too sad about it at the moment. But hopefully I'll feel less sad and able to rearrange soon. I feel like I don't mean anything to them at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 14:01

And now I think about it the original date was arranged with friend 1, she added friend 2 a couple of weeks ago (but she is actually my friend so that all good) but then added random friend of a friend this week.

So I don't think friend 1 was ever that bothered in hindsight :(

OP posts:
roseotter · 09/03/2023 14:01

You are totally NBU, OP! And I think your friends, and quite a lot of posters on this thread have forgotten what it’s like to be in the knackered, sensitive and vulnerable throws of newborn days.

When I had my first I was barely holding it together and I would not have wanted to make small talk with an acquaintance either.

The fact your friends asked you, with the newborn baby, to drive to them just confirms that they’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a small baby / weren’t really thinking it through.

I would just send the original two woman a side message and say “ I apologise if that came across prickly, I’m just exhausted and emotional at the moment and don’t think I could cope in a group setting with people who I’m not as close too as I am with you two. Would you two like to come my house for coffee / lunch / whatever on x date? I’d love to see you both and could really use some support”

CeliaNorth · 09/03/2023 14:03

i am naturally not that easy going, but old enough to know that you can’t control other people like this. By cancelling and making her feel bad for having invited along another person you’ve damaged the friendship a little bit.
I
OP's friends, changing the venue and inviting someone else without considering what op might prefer, aren't being controlling or damaging the friendship?

I bet replies would be different if it was OP's mother in law expecting her to drive to meet up, and inviting her friends for 'baby cuddles'.

kraftcheese · 09/03/2023 14:03

' I feel like I don't mean anything to them at the moment'

Hopefully OP some of the less understanding responses help you to put in perspective that might not necessarily be an accurate description of how they feel about you- it's probably just thinking differently about it Flowers

roseotter · 09/03/2023 14:06

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 13:58

I don't feel up to it, I feel too sad about it at the moment. But hopefully I'll feel less sad and able to rearrange soon. I feel like I don't mean anything to them at the moment.

Show quote history

I think it’s really more likely they’ve just been thoughtless rather than malicious… and if you send something along the lines of what I sent in my previous post I bet that they will apologise profusely

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