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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 19:31

Freddiefox · 09/03/2023 19:29

I think op, you are at risk of losing this friendship. I don’t think she values you in the same vein as you do her.
I wonder when you look back on your messages who instigated contact?

I don’t think there is much you can do, you either let it drift or accept it for what it is and do most of the running.

I agree with you.

She instigated the meet up and set the date which is maybe why I thought it was about us catching up.

OP posts:
Ploddlewoddle · 09/03/2023 19:34

Haven’t read the whole thread but OP I can see why you were uncomfortable with this and think it rather thoughtless of your friends to propose this. Also odd of the third party to want to come along and cuddle a stranger’s baby…!

I also agree there is a good (and bad) way of phrasing the response to them.

i think your friend’s response of “ok” is a bit crap.

is there a back story here? Seems like the dynamics are more complex

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 19:34

randommusings8 · 09/03/2023 19:30

Sounds a bit of a awkward situation, but also like you have over reacted (likely hormones).
Do you have other friends or is it particularly hurtful because you don't have much social interaction?
It can be lonely in the newborn days, but I think you are getting this a little out of perspective - and also they may not understand you are perhaps feeling a little emotional

I do have other friends. I thought these were special friends and I haven't seen them in quite a while so I was especially looking forward to it as a special thing. Silly me

OP posts:
Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 19:36

Ploddlewoddle · 09/03/2023 19:34

Haven’t read the whole thread but OP I can see why you were uncomfortable with this and think it rather thoughtless of your friends to propose this. Also odd of the third party to want to come along and cuddle a stranger’s baby…!

I also agree there is a good (and bad) way of phrasing the response to them.

i think your friend’s response of “ok” is a bit crap.

is there a back story here? Seems like the dynamics are more complex

No backstory particularly.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 09/03/2023 19:37

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 19:31

I agree with you.

She instigated the meet up and set the date which is maybe why I thought it was about us catching up.

Show quote history

It’s so difficult when this happens, and it does happen a lot, I had someone I considered to be a really good friend, but looking back I think i I barely registered on her radar. I feel slightly embarrassed now.

you have a new born, a good opportunity to make friends. The more good friendship you have the less this one will matter.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 19:37

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2023 19:31

Even your best friends, weren't your friends until they were.

And with other people, it never happens.

I gave let this lady a few times at group things. She's nice but it never happened. It happened for the other friends which is lovely and they should get there own meet up

OP posts:
Notenoughtime23 · 09/03/2023 19:41

Hi OP
Do you suffer from anxiety? I ask because I do and in the past I have been in a situation where a friend as invited another person along to a meet up and viewed it as you are now. They must not really care about seeing me etc but in reality I was in the height of my anxiety and just looking for the worst in the situation.
There could be lots of reasons they invited the other person. That third person could be going through a really hard time right now and they have no other available time hence why they invited her. Maybe she invited herself and didn’t have the heart to say no. The only way you will really know if to be honest with your friends about how you feel. If they are good friends they will understand. Maybe they didn’t even realise it would be an issue. If they have older kids like I do time to meet with friends is probably in short supply. I would possibly invite another along not because I cared less about your friendship just because sometimes I want to catch up with friends and by seeing more than one at a time is the only way
i can manage it especially if the friends already know each other and get on relatively well.

Thisisformathilda · 09/03/2023 19:46

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 18:59

Even if they had have asked I don't know how I'd say no to the other person being invited to without me making anyone feel bad

But you did say no. They have to go back and tell this other girl that you are not coming because she is.

Mumof3andshattered · 09/03/2023 19:48

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:53

No @Mortimercat the 3rd is not my friend. I do know her and I wouldn't mind if I saw my other friends all the time, but I don't.

You know its not a playground? You can't call dibs on people. They can be friends with someone else as well as you. Have you always been this petty? Or is it insecurity since having your baby ?

Blueflower1612 · 09/03/2023 19:48

It sounds like you are feeling a bit vulnerable and emotional. This is perfectly normal when you have a newborn but I think it would be a shame not to meet your friends as who knows when you will be able to meet up again. It this is other lady is nice then I can’t see why this would be a problem. I appreciate she is not a close friend but you might enjoy her company. Especially if you haven’t had much time to be social. Try not to be over sensitive about something that isn’t really an issue.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 19:49

Notenoughtime23 · 09/03/2023 19:41

Hi OP
Do you suffer from anxiety? I ask because I do and in the past I have been in a situation where a friend as invited another person along to a meet up and viewed it as you are now. They must not really care about seeing me etc but in reality I was in the height of my anxiety and just looking for the worst in the situation.
There could be lots of reasons they invited the other person. That third person could be going through a really hard time right now and they have no other available time hence why they invited her. Maybe she invited herself and didn’t have the heart to say no. The only way you will really know if to be honest with your friends about how you feel. If they are good friends they will understand. Maybe they didn’t even realise it would be an issue. If they have older kids like I do time to meet with friends is probably in short supply. I would possibly invite another along not because I cared less about your friendship just because sometimes I want to catch up with friends and by seeing more than one at a time is the only way
i can manage it especially if the friends already know each other and get on relatively well.

No anxiety. I am drained and generally post natal. I probably wouldn't have minded in the past, I'm really laid back. Because I haven't seen them is so long it's a bigger deal to my mind. It's not to them. It's okay.

It just feels rubbish to be socially multitasked (as you've described). I don't do it to others because I value the quality of the time I spend with them.

OP posts:
Marzipangirl3 · 09/03/2023 19:51

Would this have been the first time your friends would have met your baby OP? Have either Friend 1 or Friend 2 made an effort to come and visit you/checked on you since you had your baby? I don’t know how old your baby is, but I’ve got a 10 week old and all my closest friends were desperate to meet DC and came in the first couple of weeks of her being born (as soon as I was ready, of course).
I personally couldn’t imagine getting upset about this but I know my friends inside out so it wouldn’t ever come from a place of them not caring, but based on what you’ve said you think it is?

Ploddlewoddle · 09/03/2023 19:53

I think they should have realised that postnatally inviting a third party along was inappropriate. I totally get where you are coming from with this. You wanted a meaningful catch up; that should be implicit. And inviting someone else along really changes that dynamic. I can understand why you don’t just go along like some posters suggest… too much for you at this time. Why should you?! Also with a newborn they should be coming to you. Like another poster said, this could be a great opportunity to make new friends though I’d never counsel “burning bridges” with old friends as it were x

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 19:58

"But you did say no. They have to go back and tell this other girl that you are not coming because she is."

Don't be daft.

What they'll say it "Blues a bit tired at the moment with the baby so it's just us for the meet up. Shall we go to X and get coffee? Fab see you then"

They now have loads more convenient options.

OP posts:
Thisisformathilda · 09/03/2023 20:00

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 19:58

"But you did say no. They have to go back and tell this other girl that you are not coming because she is."

Don't be daft.

What they'll say it "Blues a bit tired at the moment with the baby so it's just us for the meet up. Shall we go to X and get coffee? Fab see you then"

They now have loads more convenient options.

Well I hope they don't tell her. You were being precious, childish and full of your own importance.

God forbid they tell her the real reason eh?

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 20:03

"Well I hope they don't tell her. You were being precious, childish and full of your own importance.

God forbid they tell her the real reason eh?"

I don't expect them to tell her the 'real reason', it has nothing to do with her. It's not personal.

OP posts:
Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 09/03/2023 20:05

Well,op. You refuse to accept that in anyway it’s unreasonable to meet your friends, if this woman is present. And that’s ok. You do you.

but who loses. Unless you feel your friendship is so utterly desirable, then it’s not them is it, only you’ve lost as you’ve refused to accept this woman attending.

and I suspect you’ve lost far more than just that meeting. But you’ve remained true to you. You won’t accept her. And you will lose their friendship before you do. You called it.

Thisisformathilda · 09/03/2023 20:07

It's not personal

it has nothing to do with her

Ahhh give me strength. It has EVERYTHING to do with her! SHE is the reason you are not going. You can't argue with this level of obtuse.

We would chastise our kids if they behaved like you did. I'M NOT GOING IF SHE IS SO THERE!

You are the one left on your own. Just sayin..

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 09/03/2023 20:08

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 20:03

"Well I hope they don't tell her. You were being precious, childish and full of your own importance.

God forbid they tell her the real reason eh?"

I don't expect them to tell her the 'real reason', it has nothing to do with her. It's not personal.

Oh cmon now. No one is buying that, whatever side rhey are on. It’s everything to do with her, you’ve refused to meet your friends if she’s present. As she’s a good friend of theirs, how offended do you think they all are by you?

JuliasBiscuit · 09/03/2023 20:08

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Arrocahar23 · 09/03/2023 20:09

The OP was just hoping to make the meeting exclusive as it had been planned. Why shouldn’t she feel disappointed? Normal people would.

Arrocahar23 · 09/03/2023 20:11

So much rudeness from the brave keyboard warriors. Pfft

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 09/03/2023 20:12

Arrocahar23 · 09/03/2023 20:09

The OP was just hoping to make the meeting exclusive as it had been planned. Why shouldn’t she feel disappointed? Normal people would.

But why make it exclusive. The woman is perfectly nice. We’d not accept our kids or colleagues behaving like this. So why accept it from an adult?

Thisisformathilda · 09/03/2023 20:13

Arrocahar23 · 09/03/2023 20:09

The OP was just hoping to make the meeting exclusive as it had been planned. Why shouldn’t she feel disappointed? Normal people would.

You can feel disappointed that your "exclusive" girl group was going to turn into 4 but you go along with it for the sake of the other women. You don't throw a hissy fit and jeopardise your relationship with your friends by refusing to go because another girl is joining you for coffee. How petulant is that?

Anklespraying · 09/03/2023 20:14

But why make it exclusive. The woman is perfectly nice. We’d not accept our kids or colleagues behaving like this. So why accept it from an adult?

You can't be serious? Do you force everyone around you to always do what other people want and never what they want?

What is the purpose of that?

Are you able to explain?