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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

536 replies

bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 09:36

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 09/03/2023 17:13

MysteryBelle · 09/03/2023 17:09

If she’s really nice, why don’t you want to be friends with her?

Show quote history

What a silly question! There are lots of nice people in the world, doesn't mean you strike up a warm friendship with all of them. Maybe they don't find it easy to talk to each other, or they have fundamentally different views on life, maybe they have completely different senses of humour.

flannelonthesink · 09/03/2023 17:15

@Bigmirrorssmallrooms yes I do agree with your point of view and I wouldn't have taken on any of the text suggestions either. If I felt that strongly about not going I'd have made something up.

Truthfully I don't know what I'd do in this situation! My baby isn't due for another 7 weeks. I'd probably still go but can understand why OP didn't want to.

MysteryBelle · 09/03/2023 17:21

GoldenCupidon · 09/03/2023 17:13

What a silly question! There are lots of nice people in the world, doesn't mean you strike up a warm friendship with all of them. Maybe they don't find it easy to talk to each other, or they have fundamentally different views on life, maybe they have completely different senses of humour.

Show quote history

It’s not a silly question. I’m curious, that’s all. She doesn’t want her cuddling her baby and doesn’t want her to come, and I’m just wondering why specifically op feels that way even though the person is “perfectly nice” according to op. There’s a reason in there somewhere.

I’m actually on op’s side but I’m just curious. I had a friend do this to me but I didn’t even know the other person. Just curious.

Firecarrier · 09/03/2023 17:21

I think people are usually in 2 camps with this, they either hate it or can't see the issue. (I'm in the former)

Maybe it depends on whether you're introvert/extrovert...

A few years back my perfectly nice friend whom I'd invited to my house with her child for my child's birthday randomly turned up with with a woman she vaguely knew (because she had nothing to do and felt sorry for her) so weird!

Lexhum · 09/03/2023 18:00

You're not being unreasonable. You're being a normal new mum trying to navigate everything with a tiny precious human being, all their kit, and all your emotions. We've all been there; some are better at remembering how it feels than others. Your friends care about you, and want to see you, they've just forgotten how much new mums need looking after. I'd be brutally honest with them (but make it easy for them so they don't feel attacked)... You can be self depreciating and say you're probably being oversensitive and a bit precious... But at the moment you really don't feel up to the drive/parking/new face but would really love it if you could stick to the original plans if possible. I would imagine (hope) they'll realise they got it wrong and revert to plan A. Look after yourself. You'll be skipping about taking your baby everywhere without a second thought soon enough... But go at your own place and look after yourself. You're doing a good job. 💕

aloris · 09/03/2023 18:01

"in reality she likely would have went along, they’d all have made a fuss of her, told her her kid was gorgeous, and she’d have come away feeling great and they’d organise the next one, with or without this woman. Irrelevant of how she feels now."

Or, just as likely, the other three women, who all know each other very well and apparently see each other regularly, would have an animated conversation with each other and occasionally include OP if they remembered to be polite.

"If she’s really nice, why don’t you want to be friends with her?"

I don't understand why all the disbelief at OP saying she and this woman are not destined to be friends. Surely we have all met people who are perfectly nice people but not people we are going to be close with, for one reason or another. OP has met this woman several times and clearly if they were going to be friends they would already be close, as she herself has pointed out. Also, perhaps this woman is not all that nice if she's willing to gatecrash on someone else's meetup and rearrange it to a location that's more convenient for herself and less convenient for the person with whom the meetup was arranged.

Imisscoffee2021 · 09/03/2023 18:02

@bluesofacushion YANBU. DH and I have a friend who does this, he's a very social butterfly and doesn't think anything of multitasking friends, sometimes people who have never met. Nice for him as he knows everyone, not so much for us as the dynamic totally changes! Just don't meet now if there's going to be another random there, unless he springs it on us when we arrive.

Octomingo · 09/03/2023 18:07

I'm an extrovert. I'll go out with anyone anywhere and happy for big nights out to get bigger. I've met some great people this way. But sometimes you just want it to be certain people,as others change the dynamics.

Holly60 · 09/03/2023 18:11

Oh for goodness sake OP you've totally cut your nose off to spite your face.

You wanted to see your friends, they wanted to see you. They also wanted to see this other perfectly lovely woman.

Now they are all meeting up and you are left out. You silly billy, you should have gone along and had a lovely time.

Now they will plan lots with her and you will always be left out.

Holly60 · 09/03/2023 18:13

Anklespraying · 09/03/2023 11:03

OP is completely right. The friends decided to change the nature of the event without even asking her and included the new person in the discussion making it a done deal.

She's right to simply say no thanks to the new version they have set up. They have effectively cancelled the original arrangements and made new ones.

Hopefully they will reflect on their bad manners. Offering up someone else's baby for cuddles is extremely pushy and inconsiderate.

Of course they won't reflect on their 'bad manners'. They will have a lovely time, and plan the next one without OP. She has missed out through being overly sensitive ...

She should have just gone along and had a nice time. Why would the presence of another nice person have stopped her enjoying her friends company??

Maedan · 09/03/2023 18:13

Sorry YABVU

YukoandHiro · 09/03/2023 18:15

If they've got children they will understand if you come right out and say you're really not in the headspace for someone new right now as you're still a bit tearful etc

JackieQueen · 09/03/2023 18:17

Pay no attention to the mean and spiteful posts op, trying to make you feel bad. You wasn't comfortable with the new arrangement and your feelings are very valid. 💐

2Rebecca · 09/03/2023 18:17

If you arrange to meet up with someone it's rude to invite extra people without checking with the others first. You don't just add them to a WhatsApp group. Different if a dozen people going. A catch up with a close friend is different to small talk with someone you aren't bothered about

BreatheAndFocus · 09/03/2023 18:19

IMO, you did the right thing cancelling. It sounds like this 3rd person pushed in (sorry about gate crashing?!) and pushed in not because she’s interested in you at all but simply because you have a new baby and she wants “baby cuddles”. I’d have been more angry than upset, personally - angry with the 3rd person for pushing in like that, and annoyed with your two friends for letting her.

When I’ve arranged coffee or similar with a couple of friends, they’ve always asked before inviting anyone else. It’s rude not to. For all they know you could have had something personal/special you wanted to tell them, and now you’d be sitting there with a random. Doesn’t matter how nice they are.

Hopefully pushy 3rd person will get the message. Don’t be upset about it though. Concentrate on baby and yourself xx

Jellywobblescobbles · 09/03/2023 18:23

YANBU - I totally get that you would just want to see your actual friends! I would also ask them if they would mind coming to visit you locally.

GreekDogRescue · 09/03/2023 18:24

I understand but think about going as afterwards you will be happy to have met up.

LemonLymanDotCom · 09/03/2023 18:27

I mean, you are being a bit unreasonable. I mean “my meeting has been stolen from me” - drama Queen much? You CHOSE to cancel, nothing was stolen from you.

As for “You can't help how you feel soMetimes”, well, but you can choose to give it headspace or not, and choose how to react to it.

You do have some agency in this. Take action or sit around and do a woe is me weep about it, but if you do the latter, be aware, nothing will change.

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 18:33

"in reality she likely would have went along, they’d all have made a fuss of her, told her her kid was gorgeous, and she’d have come away feeling great and they’d organise the next one, with or without this woman. Irrelevant of how she feels now."

I doubt this very much and I really couldn't think of anything worse that "being fussed over"

OP posts:
Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 18:34

LemonLymanDotCom · 09/03/2023 18:27

I mean, you are being a bit unreasonable. I mean “my meeting has been stolen from me” - drama Queen much? You CHOSE to cancel, nothing was stolen from you.

As for “You can't help how you feel soMetimes”, well, but you can choose to give it headspace or not, and choose how to react to it.

You do have some agency in this. Take action or sit around and do a woe is me weep about it, but if you do the latter, be aware, nothing will change.

I didn't choose to cancel my original meeting. It no longer existed for me to attend. It was cancelled and changed by someone else. I chose not to attend the new form.

OP posts:
Thisisformathilda · 09/03/2023 18:36

my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking)

I don't get this, you say they live nearby and they then send you a message to meet near them, surely that's still nearby?

LemonLymanDotCom · 09/03/2023 18:36

Yes, you chose to cut off your nose to spite yourself and are now blaming them for you being upset.

LemonLymanDotCom · 09/03/2023 18:38

You also chose not to say anything about it to your friends and start a mumsnet thread instead. They’re not mind readers and you shouldn’t get upset by that

Original poster
bluesofacushion · 09/03/2023 18:39

LemonLymanDotCom · 09/03/2023 18:38

You also chose not to say anything about it to your friends and start a mumsnet thread instead. They’re not mind readers and you shouldn’t get upset by that

I did tell them. They replied "okay"

OP posts:
Thisisformathilda · 09/03/2023 18:39

I didn't choose to cancel my original meeting. It no longer existed for me to attend. It was cancelled and changed by someone else. I chose not to attend the new form

This is just ridiculously petty and childish. It no longer existed. It was cancelled. Much ado about nothing. At the end of the day you have shot yourself in the foot. All your own doing. Even the prima donna message you sent was rude. Well they shall carry on regardless without you and the only one losing out is you. So so silly.