Friend inviting their friend to our rare meet up - AIBU to be upset about being multitasked?

[bluesofacushion]

I just had a new baby, my 2 friends who live nearby have older children and asked to meet up with me and new baby and it's so rare this happens and I really love these friends. I was really looking forward to it. Date in the diary for about 6 week.

A few days ago I get a message saying can we meet near them (fine but I'm a bit freaked out about the driving/parking) and they've invited another friend - I know this lady, she's really nice but not my friend, I don't see her socially etc. this additional friends wants to come to have baby cuddles apparently. Well for a start he's not a doll so I feel irked about that.

I also feel upset that they don't seem to really want to see us and it's more a case of social multitasking. I feel quite tearful and overwhelmed and I just want to see my friends and catch up.

I'm thinking of making an excuse and leaving them to their meet up and try to arrange another day.

AIBU?

"And as for this....you stole it yourself by cancelling and stamping your feet."

Uh, no. Friend 1 and OP arranged a visit between themselves. Friend 1 then found a better offer and changed the whole meetup to sideline OP without admitting that's what she was doing.

True but I live in Manchester as do all of my friends. We usually meet in the city centre as it's central. If we arrange to meet in the city centre and then suddenly it changes to like Didsbury or something I wouldn't be too pleased. Not the end of the world but not super convenient either.

Uh, no. Friend 1 and OP arranged a visit between themselves. Friend 1 then found a better offer and changed the whole meetup to sideline OP without admitting that's what she was doing

OP was happy enough with second person joining but not so happy about third. Imagine cancelling a meeting with good friends because "I don't want HER to come". Ridiculous. it backfired now anyway. Friend's response speaks volumes.

I do understand how the addition of people can change the group dynamic but your posts come across as very dramatic with all the 'my meeting has been stolen from me' (after you cancelled) and 'the friendship was damaged' talk all because your friend invited their friend who you are not as friendly with.

I’m surprised at rhe folks eggingthe op on. But I also know a lot of people on here are socially isolated and have no friends.

someone up thread said rhe meeting was an “intimate” one . I think most folks in real life who actually do have friends, would not perceive two mates meeting another one and their baby as something “intimate” .

there was nothing wrong with this woman being invited. The meeting was not just about the op. It was three mates gettting together for a catch up and to see the baby.

the op has the opportunity to extend her social circle (which doesn’t mean be 1 to 1 friends) , she says the woman is perfectly nice and to have a nice afternoon. She could have had a catch up just the three if them another time if she’s so in need of the woman not being there

now she’s sitting at home crying and everyone feels awkward. The message makes it perfectly clear she doesn’t wish this poor woman involved. And that’s going to have everyone confused and unhappy .

this behaviour she’s been encouraged has simply left her with nothing. They were clearly not close any way as the meeting isn’t even for six weeks and she couldn’t even pick up the phone and discuss it.

so now she’s made it clear. The original two were her friends. She won’t even come if the other woman is invited and quite frankly I suspect she’s now out.

Friendships take work, compromise and effort. They don't just fall on your lap and always go how you want them to. After all, it's not all about you. They literally invited someone, it's a non issue.

Did you ever tell them that you don't like to share them and when you see them it only has to be them or you'll cancel? If you've told them this information then YANBU, otherwise.....

That is nonsense. This is not about "I don't want HER to come." This was meant to be a nice visit between people who were close to each other, where you could talk about private things to do with becoming a new mum. This is mumsnet so I think we all know what new mums like to talk about with close friends. Lochia, your birth story, how you are feeling, etc. Giving birth is a life-changing experience and it's very private and intimate for women. Add in someone you don't know well and the dynamic changes completely.

Anyone who has had a baby ought to be sympathetic to the reality that a meetup with a new mum that includes mere acquaintances is going to be completely different than one between two close friends. OP already adjusted to having friend 2 there, knowing that three people interact differently than 2 people. Then friend 1 added friend 3 who is really just an acquaintance for OP. Then they changed the location to one that was less convenient for OP. They absolutely just canceled OP's meetup and replaced it with one between themselves where she was just a hanger-on. It's completely ridiculous and how so many of you are defending friend 1 and criticising OP I do not understand.

I feel like extroverts and ‘the more the merrier’ types get a proper rough ride on mumsnet. As if they spend all
of their time trying to make the introverts uncomfortable. It takes all sorts. Plus I think a phone call would have been much better than texting some of these dreadful suggestions.

This is not about "I don't want HER to come."

But it was precisely about "I don't want HER to come."

I don’t even know what this post is. They clearly aren’t that close. They aren’t even meeting for six weeks and I very much doubt they wanted the intimate details about the birth for gods sake.

they didn’t cancel the meeting and make her a hanger on. She was the star of the show. They were all coming to meet her as they hadn’t seen her for ages,

it was the op who cancelled , and made it clear it was because she didn’t want this perfectly nice woman included, urged on by folks like you who must struggle with interactions and friendships in real life if you write stuff like this

I feel like extroverts and ‘the more the merrier’ types get a proper rough ride on mumsnet.

I think it's the opposite, I think it's the introverts who are treated like they're abnormal. FWIW I think most people are inbetween. I went out for a fab night at a pub quiz with four mates last weekend. This weekend I'm meeting one of those friends for breakfast for a good catch up. I'll enjoy both events equally, but they'll be completely different and the conversations will be completely different.

'urged on by folks like you who must struggle with interactions and friendships in real life if you write stuff like this'

I don't understand this take at all. At 32 I have plenty of friends from school, college and work and friends I've made via friends and via my husband. At the end of the day if I was expecting a catch up with 2 close friends that I haven't seen in a while because life gets in the way and they invite their friend who I don't know too well and don't really feel like hanging out with, why is that deemed wrong, pathetic and precious by lots of people if I might choose to cancel and rearrange with the people I actually want to spend time with? There's a time and a place for 'the more the merrier' surely? OP has expressed her feelings on here and not directly to the 3 women in question.

Friend 1 has essentially canceled the original meetup between herself and OP, and made it a totally different meetup where OP is a third wheel who isn't even necessary to the meetup. But in a sneaky way where she doesn't acknowledge that she canceled their meetup because she got a better offer. It's very mean of Friend 1, frankly, and also not very nice of Friends2 and 3 to let OP's meetup be ruined because they didn't have the grace to recognize they were overstepping.

This is how I see it, as well. I don't think the OP is being overly dramatic. She initially just wanted a catch-up with Friend 1 in a particular location, and Friend 1 has repeatedly changed the terms until now it's a group in a different location.

It's not what OP agreed to in the first place, and she is right to withdraw. I'd start looking around for some local friends, in her shoes. Clearly Friend 1 & 2 aren't that bothered.

I think they could be more considerate and come to you to save the drive and parking etc with a brand new baby.
It can be very overwhelming when you’re a new mumma and I think for them, it would be so much easier to come to you.

Understand why you might feel like this OP, but your level of sadness feels really extreme! If they had cancelled I might feel a bit pissed of, but could not feel so sad about the inclusion of another. Now you have cancelled you may as well remix and be honest when refining by telling them you just want to see them and perhaps closer to home if the drive and parking freaks you out.

It’s been explained multiple times, so if you still don’t get why it’s rhe op who cancelled and that a catch up of three friends, meet new baby, and another friend of the other two comes along , someone who you think is perfectly nice, is not “stealing your meeeting” “damaging””she doesn’t care about me” level of stuff, then I am unsure it can be explained further

OP was happy enough with second person joining but not so happy about third. Imagine cancelling a meeting with good friends because "I don't want HER to come". Ridiculous. it backfired now anyway. Friend's response speaks volumes

You all are strange. If I arrange a meetup with my close friend(s) so they can visit me and my newborn, I'm not going to be happy if it's changed into a meetup in town with friends and a random acquaintance.

And we find this strange. Especially as She was happy with the meet up in town. She said it in her op. What she’s not happy about is another woman she thinks is perfectly nice joining the them.

so you’d not be happy if a perfectly nice acquaintance and good friend of the others joined , that’s fine, but for most of us it would be no issue.

You were right to back out. They pulled a bait and switch on you.

After a few recent bad experiences, I don't want to be tacked onto an already existing event and I won't be tacking others on, either.

The presumption of someone you don't know wanting "baby cuddles" would annoy me and I'd say something like "I was really looking forward to seeing just you two for the first time in ages so we can reschedule if that's better"

'It’s been explained multiple times, so if you still don’t get why it’s rhe op who cancelled and that a catch up of three friends, meet new baby, and another friend of the other two comes along , someone who you think is perfectly nice, is not “stealing your meeeting” “damaging””she doesn’t care about me” level of stuff, then I am unsure it can be explained further'

I fully understand it was the OP who cancelled - she literally told us it was her that cancelled. I don't understand the assumption that people who agree with her reasons for cancelling 'struggle with social interaction' when it's clear lots of people who agree with her do not have this problem. I might not agree with the idea it was 'stolen from her' but the plans were changed without OP agreeing.

OP is expressing her feelings in an anonymous forum and being referred to as pathetic and precious by many which I don't think is fair or kind.

Would you give me a break with the intimate birth stories and private things...😂

If she’s really nice, why don’t you want to be friends with her?

I agree this is unkind and I have not done that. For me, it’s the op is struggling, she’s a new baby, was excited to get out and meet friends, and now she’s nothing, she’s crying at home and she’s made it clear she won’t meet with this other woman present . Which is in so small part due to her being egged on on here. Some of the responses she is being urged to text are dreadful

in reality she likely would have went along, they’d all have made a fuss of her, told her her kid was gorgeous, and she’d have come away feeling great and they’d organise the next one, with or without this woman. Irrelevant of how she feels now.

but how’s she’s got nothing.

OP I'm sorry this has made you feel so crap. There was a phase where my best friend got in a habit of inviting another friend (not always the same one) to everything - sometimes it was absolutely fine and really fun (e.g. meal out, post work drinks) but sometimes it really changed the dynamic and did ruin the meetup for me. For example when big life stuff was happening and I just wanted to have "deep chats" with my friend or at least with friends I was really close to, feel able to confide in them or just be a bit upset, but instead I had to make small talk with her friends who (while nice) were - as you say - people who I'd never end up being friends with by choice. I am a bloody extrovert too but even extroverts sometimes need to be with people they really love. The irony is I know full well if she was having a tough time and she wanted to talk to me, she'd be really upset if I'd invited a random third person along.

2 things to say:

• she did this at a time where she was a bit all over the place and I think wanted to surround herself with people as a distraction - is your "friend 1" always like this or is she going through a bit of a patch?
• I did tell her that I missed having "proper chats" and now we have a great mix - either of us can totally invite other people but we'll generally check first to make sure the other is happy. After all, before the meetup you have no idea what might be going on in each other's lives that you need to talk about face to face.

Also I think there's a rule - or should be - that people always offer to meet up at a new mum's house or a place of her choosing. It's just polite!