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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about being asked for money?

166 replies

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:15

I know a man through volunteering at an organisation we're both interested in. I would say we are friendly acquaintances. Tonight he messaged asking if I could lend him money because he can't afford to put his gas on till Monday. I asked how much and he said £25.

I have sent it because I felt guilty if he was freezing and I could help, but AIBU to feel annoyed that he asked and put me in an awkward position? I don't want it to become a regular occurrence and it has made me feel uncomfortable. AIBU to be a bit annoyed by the request, or should I just accept he had no option but to ask because of his circumstances?

OP posts:
Kerfuffler · 09/03/2023 00:24

Xzxzxzxz · 09/03/2023 00:13

I don't think people should emotionally blackmail acquaintances.

I think he should've contacted the gas company/council/CAB before they closed for the day, or asked one of his actual friends or family if he could stay for a few days.

Show quote history

Fair enough thinking he should've tried all official channels first; not everyone's friends/family are able to put them up though, especially with a dog.

Wisterical · 09/03/2023 00:27

Your inability to say no doesn't make his request 'emotional blackmail' 🙄

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 09/03/2023 00:29

SoShallINever · 09/03/2023 00:21

100% this.
You've judged him without giving him a chance to repay.

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Because I'm not really bothered if he repays or not - I'm bothered that he felt it appropriate to ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 09/03/2023 00:32

Wisterical · 09/03/2023 00:27

Your inability to say no doesn't make his request 'emotional blackmail' 🙄

Of course it is. 'I'm freezing. If you can't lend me money I'm going to be freezing all night.' That is emotional blackmail.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 09/03/2023 00:34

Xzxzxzxz · 09/03/2023 00:32

Of course it is. 'I'm freezing. If you can't lend me money I'm going to be freezing all night.' That is emotional blackmail.

Show quote history

I agree OP.

I mean this kindly, but exchanging numbers with someone you volunteer with isn't a great idea. I did a lot pf volunteering in the past and didn't allow my number to go out, just as I wouldn't give my personal number to work colleagues.

be ready to say no next time, there will be one. £25 is oddly specific too.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 09/03/2023 00:47

EmmaEmerald · 09/03/2023 00:34

I agree OP.

I mean this kindly, but exchanging numbers with someone you volunteer with isn't a great idea. I did a lot pf volunteering in the past and didn't allow my number to go out, just as I wouldn't give my personal number to work colleagues.

be ready to say no next time, there will be one. £25 is oddly specific too.

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Thank you. He actually messaged me on Facebook but I take your point - will review my privacy settings.

He originally said 'a few quid' then when I asked how much said £25.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 09/03/2023 00:50

EmmaEmerald · 09/03/2023 00:34

I agree OP.

I mean this kindly, but exchanging numbers with someone you volunteer with isn't a great idea. I did a lot pf volunteering in the past and didn't allow my number to go out, just as I wouldn't give my personal number to work colleagues.

be ready to say no next time, there will be one. £25 is oddly specific too.

Show quote history

I also think I'll feel better about saying no next time if there was one. One emergency, okay, but twice would unlikely be another emergency.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 09/03/2023 01:00

Oh right, I see...yes, I can see Facebook would seem less personal.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 09/03/2023 02:34

133 replies in, and you're still feeling annoyed?
What's the voluntary work, if you don't mind me asking?

Perfectlyround · 09/03/2023 03:17

At least you'll be prepared next time he asks OP, have a stock phrase ready and steel yourself against the emotional blackmail. I would say something like 'no I can't, it was fine as a one off but I can't afford to lend money on a regular basis, please don't ask again'.

shattered25 · 09/03/2023 03:34

No I don't lend money anymore unless it's to my mum, dad or brother. I will do favours, get milk, food, lifts.

I use to lend money and I'm owed 800 to various people. One friend ended up buying a holiday on my money, one kept asking for 20 here and there and now it's been 100. One said for heating and instead it was used for drugs. So never again, never been paid back by anyone, favours never reciprocated so I'm just left feeling a mug!

Sockloon · 09/03/2023 05:06

People like this ALWAYS ask to borrow small amounts from people, then usually pay it back late. Then In my experience they know your a soft target and will eventually start asking for either larger amounts or a lump sum with a huge sob story (all lies). Say no!

ilovesooty · 09/03/2023 05:44

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:10

Because it felt like emotional blackmail. 'You can say no but the house is freezing and I'm freezing'. How can I say no?

Show quote history

Of course you can say no.

You can't control people's actions. The only thing you can control is your reaction to them.

Beautiful3 · 09/03/2023 06:50

He was stuck and asked for help and you helped. You're a very kind person. I'd wait and see if he repays you, if he doesn't I wouldn't lend again. I'd just say," sorry you didn't pay me back last time."

Peony26 · 09/03/2023 07:11

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:34

He lives alone.

No, honestly I wouldn't rather he asked me. If he was a friend, yes, I'd want to know. If he was a friend I'd invite him to stay at my house if he was cold. But he isn't a friend.

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I must be soft because I find this absolutely savage! You would rather he freeze than ask for help! I would be really upset to learn someone I know was in this position. Even a neighbour or someone I barely know. I would rather they ask for help than be freezing! I didn’t realise you can only be kind to someone if they’re a friend! If it was someone asking every week that’s very different but not once in an emergency

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/03/2023 07:24

I would say "don't worry about repaying me, but it's a one off." and then really tighten your privacy on Facebook.

LIZS · 09/03/2023 07:30

Is he a fellow volunteer or group participant? Think you need to review your boundaries. I'd be surprised if he does not ask again,

PhoenixAuntie · 09/03/2023 07:32

I have always said no when asked for money. A temp at work was hungry so I gave them some food but no way am I ever lending money. I have also never asked to borrow money.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 09/03/2023 08:03

Oreosandmilk98 · 08/03/2023 23:53

You could also ask if he has been receiving his energy support scheme vouchers from his provider. £67 is the amount for the March voucher (I think this is the last one, they have been sent out since October) and he should have received it by now as it’s usually the first 7 days of the month, you can choose if to put it on gas or electric, redeemed at the post office

Not necessarily the case, I don’t get vouchers the energy company automatically credits it to my meter and always solely to the electric, I don’t get a choice as to which energy supply it goes on.

mybunniesandme · 09/03/2023 08:31

He's not well enough to work but well enough to volunteer?

Iamtheonwandlonely · 09/03/2023 08:58

The more I read about him the more it screams chancer.

So he let you know about his problems with money. Over sharing.
He asked over FB so not even to your face.
Don't tell him to ask energy suppliers anything,that's not your job.
And it puts the problem squarely on your shoulders.
Tell him not to pay pack the 25 but you won't be able to help him again.

Naunet · 09/03/2023 09:06

Wisterical · 09/03/2023 00:02

Do you not think people should ask for help? What do you think he should have done?

Ask friends and family. It’s not fair or appropriate to pressurise people you hardly know for money.

Id feel the same as you OP, it’s absolutely not appropriate for him to have asked you and put you in that position. I’d write this one off as a good deed, but practice saying no for next time.

silverbubbly · 09/03/2023 09:14

pinksheetss · 08/03/2023 21:59

You haven't even given it enough time to see if he will pay you back and you are already moaning
In future I suggest don't lend but only because you don't seem to be very happy about it

If it were me and £25 wasn't a big loss for me then I wouldn't begrudge giving it to someone I knew (whether friends or only through passing) if it meant they got some heat. It's tough enough as it is out there. This person clearly thought they could open to you

I think YABU

Agree completely. You say you can afford the £25. The guy is clearly struggling. He’s on a prepayment meter which are known to be a more expensive way of getting gas. His friends that everyone assumes are backed off because they’ve been burned in the past may be in dire straits too. What an impressive lack of charity is
being shown by contributors to this thread. Do whatever going forward OP but don’t regret that bit of compassion you showed.

Grrrrdarling · 09/03/2023 09:15

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:15

I know a man through volunteering at an organisation we're both interested in. I would say we are friendly acquaintances. Tonight he messaged asking if I could lend him money because he can't afford to put his gas on till Monday. I asked how much and he said £25.

I have sent it because I felt guilty if he was freezing and I could help, but AIBU to feel annoyed that he asked and put me in an awkward position? I don't want it to become a regular occurrence and it has made me feel uncomfortable. AIBU to be a bit annoyed by the request, or should I just accept he had no option but to ask because of his circumstances?

He can literally call his supplier & they can put credit in for him. My friend had to do exactly that 2 days ago.
Yes he will have to pay the loan from power company back when he is next able to top up, think that is how it works, but that is on him & effects no one else.
I wouldn’t be annoyed at him asking, if you don’t ask you don’t get in my book, but from my side I would feel guilty for having to say no as right now I can’t afford to spare anything for anyone.
I wouldn’t bank on having that money back any time soon, he’s already short, & hope you haven’t left yourself short.

WandaWonder · 09/03/2023 09:19

You could have said no, sure he probably shouldn't have asked but you can't be annoyed by something of your choosing

Just say no next time