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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about being asked for money?

166 replies

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:15

I know a man through volunteering at an organisation we're both interested in. I would say we are friendly acquaintances. Tonight he messaged asking if I could lend him money because he can't afford to put his gas on till Monday. I asked how much and he said £25.

I have sent it because I felt guilty if he was freezing and I could help, but AIBU to feel annoyed that he asked and put me in an awkward position? I don't want it to become a regular occurrence and it has made me feel uncomfortable. AIBU to be a bit annoyed by the request, or should I just accept he had no option but to ask because of his circumstances?

OP posts:
Peony26 · 08/03/2023 22:26

I think just give him the benefit of the doubt this once, it’s gone really cold and many are really struggling. Tbh if I believed if it was for gas I would of just given it him if I could afford it this once, but I wouldn’t keep doing it, if he started taking the mick then I would say I haven’t got it sorry I’m short myself so he wouldn’t ask again

EddyF · 08/03/2023 22:27

People have such bad spirits. You haven’t even given him a chance to return the money and you are being weird about it. It’s 25 pounds; a pittance/takeaway money. Can’t you just accept you did a good deed and leave it?

Peony26 · 08/03/2023 22:30

Yeah but if he’s in a position of ask or freeze, how can you be annoyed at him?

If you found out his poor family were freezing. Would you not feel that you wished they asked for help? Would you not want to help if you can?

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:31

EddyF · 08/03/2023 22:27

People have such bad spirits. You haven’t even given him a chance to return the money and you are being weird about it. It’s 25 pounds; a pittance/takeaway money. Can’t you just accept you did a good deed and leave it?

I'm largely not bothered about whether he returns it. It's that he asked at all that's annoyed me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:34

Peony26 · 08/03/2023 22:30

Yeah but if he’s in a position of ask or freeze, how can you be annoyed at him?

If you found out his poor family were freezing. Would you not feel that you wished they asked for help? Would you not want to help if you can?

He lives alone.

No, honestly I wouldn't rather he asked me. If he was a friend, yes, I'd want to know. If he was a friend I'd invite him to stay at my house if he was cold. But he isn't a friend.

OP posts:
Zipps · 08/03/2023 22:34

You will never get the money back, you barely even know him. Next time (and any subsequent times ) say "No I don't have any spare money"

I would only ever lend to my immediate family and then I wouldn't want it back. No one else gets my money whatever the reason. People just take the piss if you let them.

Garrie · 08/03/2023 22:36

I doubt you'll see that again.

ObviouslyIchangedmyname · 08/03/2023 22:36

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 22:26

I suggest you re-read. Nowhere have I said you don't know what 'emergency' is or that you don't know what you're talking about. No idea what the 'holier than thou but means'. Yes I said I probably would lend the money but I'd ask nosey Qs so not quite holier or even holy.
I've also said is £25 THAT high? It's more than I use but a lot less than others (especially if the £25 equates to £15 of fuel). Note how I used a question here. A 'know it all' would have said £25 isn't that high. ....or maybe "the amount is excessively high"!

Show quote history

If you don't understand what that means....lucky you.

Nowhere have I said you don't know what 'emergency' is or that you don't know what you're talking about.

You implied it pretty clearly.

For starters, if he only needed to use £15 in gas but is in emergency credit now then why can’t he top up £15 and go back into emergency credit until Monday? Clearly he needs to use £25 of gas if he needs £25. £25 in gas in four days is incredibly high for the vast majority of people. Hence why I asked why it was such a high amount.

Jenasaurus · 08/03/2023 22:37

I had a situation like this, I worked with someone who was aware I had just inherited some money and this person asked me for money for lunch, which I gave and then another time, and occasionally paid it back. They then said they wanted to start a business and asked me for 10k, I am sure this wont happen to you, but in the end I found myself avoiding this person as they always had a sob story to tell, I am sure your friend is genuine in their need but these things can escalate (and no I didn't give my colleague 10k, I wouldnt have done anyway but especially as they still owed me a fair bit of money for lunches etc.

Agapornis · 08/03/2023 22:38

Please flag this up with the volunteering organisation. Your volunteer manager should want to know this under duty of care. (Care for you as well as him.) The manager should have a chat with him and be able to put him in contact with organisations that can help him.
Hopefully you signed a volunteer agreement at the start - it should mention some behavioural standards. Asking fellow volunteers for money probably won't be mentioned in it explicitly, but it will be frowned upon.

Also, if the volunteer organisation doesn't take this seriously, please find somewhere else to volunteer.

discobrain · 08/03/2023 22:39

Compassion is alive and well on Mumsnet I see 🙄

MrsMiddleMother · 08/03/2023 22:43

I voted yabu because if it's the first time he asked he must be desperate and it's literally snowing. If he asks again and you don't feel comfortable, say no but I think you did the right thing this time

BensonStabler · 08/03/2023 22:43

he may need that amount for the prepay meter if he has used up emergency credit on it, so you need to pay more when it finally cuts off to then get it back on, as you pay what you owe first before you can then put on enough funds to last those days-week ahead.

Also this and next month many are still receiving the government help for heating costs during cold months and prepayment is usually a voucher (I think) however, there’s many people I know who have been desperately waiting on it arriving but they have delays. So he should be getting a little help for now, but a chance that still has not arrived.

I wasn’t aware of the loan type situation a pp said, for those struggling and on prepayment to get a code for a top up and repay in instalments. Maybe he wasn’t either. Definitely point that out if he comes to you again.

I think you have been very kind and generous given you’re not exact friends, I understand why it’s made you uncomfortable, I would never dream of asking someone in that situation. I do know however what it’s like to be absolutely desperate, no one to get help from, and I’m disabled so the cold causes me increased pain. I do hope it’s genuine and he pays you back asap. However it’s completely healthy to put firm boundaries saying no going forward. Don’t let anyone take advantage of that kind heart.

Forensix · 08/03/2023 22:45

Hopefully some of you never experience the day that you're totally fucked and need to ask for a helping hand.

TheHouseNextDoor · 08/03/2023 22:47

The trouble with lending money to someone struggling with money, is that they will struggle to pay it back. You can almost put them into a spiral of debt.

I'll no longer lend a friend money. She doesn't have the means to pay it back. If I have the money I'll just give it to her.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:48

TheHouseNextDoor · 08/03/2023 22:47

The trouble with lending money to someone struggling with money, is that they will struggle to pay it back. You can almost put them into a spiral of debt.

I'll no longer lend a friend money. She doesn't have the means to pay it back. If I have the money I'll just give it to her.

I did actually think this - am I just making it worse for him next week.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 22:50

Squirma · 08/03/2023 21:29

You are happy to volunteer for an organisation but you felt annoyed when a friend asked you for help?

Wow.

He probably felt more awkward asking you, than you felt being asked.

You could have just said no too.

@Squirma
I think OP is saying that as he ISNT her friend he was overstepping asking her for help. She felt awkward because of his behaviour which given their relationship, she felt was inappropriate. This gave her the option of either feeling emotionally obliged to help out (but resenting it) or being forced to be rude/mean (which she's probably not).

It's like when a guest won't leave. Politeness 'forces' you to endure them. It's easy to say say no then but for a lot of people that's hard to do.i really don't think it's about the £25

SkyandSurf · 08/03/2023 22:50

I wouldn't lend money. If I could afford to I would just give it.

Lending money means it drags on and is more uncomfortable. If they can't or don't pay you back you end up with a lot of bad feelings about it.

Better to just give what you can afford and call it a day.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:55

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 22:50

@Squirma
I think OP is saying that as he ISNT her friend he was overstepping asking her for help. She felt awkward because of his behaviour which given their relationship, she felt was inappropriate. This gave her the option of either feeling emotionally obliged to help out (but resenting it) or being forced to be rude/mean (which she's probably not).

It's like when a guest won't leave. Politeness 'forces' you to endure them. It's easy to say say no then but for a lot of people that's hard to do.i really don't think it's about the £25

Show quote history

Yes, this is it exactly.

If I said no, I'd worry he'd get hypothermia because I refused. If I say yes, I'm annoyed that it was due to the pressure of worrying about him if I said no.

I think it was really inappropriate of him to ask.

I sincerely hope it's a one off.

OP posts:
roaringmouse · 08/03/2023 23:11

I think this is totally on you. You had the choice to say no, however uncomfortable that might've been for you. You chose to say yes. You lent him £25. He may or may not pay you back, but whatever the outcome, think of it as a good deed done and move on.

ittakes2 · 08/03/2023 23:13

are you sure this wasn't spam and you have just been duped?

00kitty · 08/03/2023 23:15

Local authorities have small pots of funding to help vulnerable individuals and citizens advice have previously, i would find him the webpages and forward them to him for future reference and check he’s been claiming the £66-67 vouchers each month as the deadline to reissue them is coming up

kind of you to help him out and totally get where you are coming from, I have people putting me in awkward situations

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:16

ittakes2 · 08/03/2023 23:13

are you sure this wasn't spam and you have just been duped?

I'm sure - there are messages afterwards relating to our common hobby/volunteering, and I have heard him talking about his money worries in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:18

roaringmouse · 08/03/2023 23:11

I think this is totally on you. You had the choice to say no, however uncomfortable that might've been for you. You chose to say yes. You lent him £25. He may or may not pay you back, but whatever the outcome, think of it as a good deed done and move on.

I'd have been equally annoyed if I'd say no. It's the asking at all which is my issue.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 08/03/2023 23:19

If he mentions the money or about paying you back I'd tell him to not worry about it on the provision he never asks again as it will be a no and you found it inappropriate since you merely volunteer at the same place.