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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about being asked for money?

166 replies

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:15

I know a man through volunteering at an organisation we're both interested in. I would say we are friendly acquaintances. Tonight he messaged asking if I could lend him money because he can't afford to put his gas on till Monday. I asked how much and he said £25.

I have sent it because I felt guilty if he was freezing and I could help, but AIBU to feel annoyed that he asked and put me in an awkward position? I don't want it to become a regular occurrence and it has made me feel uncomfortable. AIBU to be a bit annoyed by the request, or should I just accept he had no option but to ask because of his circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:42

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/03/2023 21:37

You absolute numpty. You're now his easy mark for ever more. You're never getting that money back, so write it off, but for gods sake don't give him any more

I kept wavering between this and 'but how awful it must be if he's freezing'.

I can afford to lose the £25 but it's still a significant sum to me. It's voluntary, what we do, but professional standards are still expected, and it just feels like it's crossing a line.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:44

Riverlee · 08/03/2023 21:40

To me, something sounds a bit off. You state he’s not your friend, just an acquaintance and yet he has asked you for money. Maybe his friends won’t (won’t not can’t) because he’s always asking them for money. Next time he asks (and I think he will), tell him to contact his energy company who will help him. Don’t lend him any more money, I fear this could be the start of a lot of requests.

Sorry to be so cynical.

Will the supplier still help if it's a prepayment metre?

OP posts:
gazpachosoupday · 08/03/2023 21:44

If he asks you again you can tell him he can go to his gas company (assuming he is on prepay) I think nearly all of them, have some type of fund, where you can ask for a code to put more money on your meter and they take it off at a minimum amount, its a bit like a loan.

It really helped us once when we were struggling, but obviously its not for long term use, as you will have to pay it back.

Topee · 08/03/2023 21:45

You did a kind thing.

Maybe he was just desperate and had no one else to ask. So many people are cold and hungry at the moment. I hope you get your money back.

MissEira · 08/03/2023 21:48

DH lent money to a colleague when we first got together. Kept claiming it was for his daughter who is ill. He never got it back and found out the guy had a perfectly healthy daughter, but a gambling addiction.
We have a rule now that we never lend anyone money. If someone close to us is struggling we will gift something without an expectation to get it back

smashin · 08/03/2023 21:48

I wouldn’t have given him anything. No one can pressure me into giving them money. It’s just not something I’ve ever done.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/03/2023 21:50

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:42

I kept wavering between this and 'but how awful it must be if he's freezing'.

I can afford to lose the £25 but it's still a significant sum to me. It's voluntary, what we do, but professional standards are still expected, and it just feels like it's crossing a line.

Show quote history

If £25 is a significant sum to you then it's not something you can afford to give away. I'd happily spend 25 quid on a takeaway without a thought, I'm guessing you're not in that position.

When you get the safety announcement for a flight, they say to fit your own gas mask before anyone else's.

Fit your gas mask first.

Riverlee · 08/03/2023 21:51

octopus energy help schemes

FL0RIST · 08/03/2023 21:52

As tricky as you feel, if you knew he would have gone without and not asked would you have said to him why didn't you ask?

I feel like sometimes people can't win, and I am guilty of this myself. They ask, we feel awkward, they don't ask we say why didn't you ask. I'd have lent it to him on this occasion, but if he started to make a habit of it or didn't pay me back then unfortunately I'd never do it again.

My cousin (gambler) used to ask me all the time and I got to the point of just telling him I was skint even though I wasn't because it become a pisstake.

skeemee · 08/03/2023 21:52

You did a kind thing.

don’t expect the money back anytime soon.

next time, be prepared and just say that you are skint too.

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 21:53

ObviouslyIchangedmyname · 08/03/2023 21:21

Why will be need to use £25 of gas between now and Monday? Just say no in future, you should’ve said no this time.

Why? Because he would like to heat his house, maybe use his oven, have hot water...he's likely on a prepayment meter. If he doesn't pay up front he gets no gas.
I'm not sure about your area but for much of UK it's snowing....and very cold!

pompei8309 · 08/03/2023 21:54

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:21

He said he'd asked his friends but they couldn't, and he doesn't know anyone else. He doesn't work, I think perhaps due to health reasons.

I feel so sorry for him, but I'm not entirely convinced I'll get it back and I wish he hadn't asked.

Give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was really desperate and you were his last resort, don’t write him off just yet

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:54

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/03/2023 21:50

If £25 is a significant sum to you then it's not something you can afford to give away. I'd happily spend 25 quid on a takeaway without a thought, I'm guessing you're not in that position.

When you get the safety announcement for a flight, they say to fit your own gas mask before anyone else's.

Fit your gas mask first.

Show quote history

No, I am in that position. I have no money worries. But I still see £25 as quite a significant amount to lend someone I don't know well. If it was a taxi I shared with someone and it came to £50 and I paid it, I wouldn't ask the other person for the £25 if they forgot or whatever, but I think asking to borrow, and lending, someone you're not friends with £25 is still a significant amount ifswim.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 08/03/2023 21:55

citizens advice on energy help including fuel voucher help,

Whatwouldyoudododo · 08/03/2023 21:56

Poor guy.
No I wouldn't be annoyed. We shouldn't be annoyed at people asking us for help, save your annoyance for the systems that keep people small and in need.
If it becomes a regular occurrence then he will need help signposting to a service that can help more long-term.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:56

FL0RIST · 08/03/2023 21:52

As tricky as you feel, if you knew he would have gone without and not asked would you have said to him why didn't you ask?

I feel like sometimes people can't win, and I am guilty of this myself. They ask, we feel awkward, they don't ask we say why didn't you ask. I'd have lent it to him on this occasion, but if he started to make a habit of it or didn't pay me back then unfortunately I'd never do it again.

My cousin (gambler) used to ask me all the time and I got to the point of just telling him I was skint even though I wasn't because it become a pisstake.

I wouldn't have, if I'm honest. A friend, yes, absolutely 100%. But not people I only know casually.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 21:57

I don't know if I'd be annoyed. I'd be more perplexed as to why he asked me. Has he got no-one else closer that could help? Does he already owe them too?
Tbh if he had the balls to ask me I'd probably say yes but I'd be asking questions first.
I'm pretty assertive and don't get bullied by notions of politeness or 'the done thing' so wouldnt be annoyed.

ObviouslyIchangedmyname · 08/03/2023 21:58

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 21:53

Why? Because he would like to heat his house, maybe use his oven, have hot water...he's likely on a prepayment meter. If he doesn't pay up front he gets no gas.
I'm not sure about your area but for much of UK it's snowing....and very cold!

Show quote history

I was questioning the amount, which is excessively high for gas for most people for four days if they’re being careful with their usage. 🙄

FL0RIST · 08/03/2023 21:58

I would have. A friendly acquaintance in need. Definitely.

But if you wouldn't have offered, you should have just told him you were skint when he asked. Then you wouldnt be annoyed at him now.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/03/2023 21:59

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:54

No, I am in that position. I have no money worries. But I still see £25 as quite a significant amount to lend someone I don't know well. If it was a taxi I shared with someone and it came to £50 and I paid it, I wouldn't ask the other person for the £25 if they forgot or whatever, but I think asking to borrow, and lending, someone you're not friends with £25 is still a significant amount ifswim.

Show quote history

In that case, treat it as a gift and assume you don't get it back. But be aware that he will probably ask again, and have your reasons ready.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:59

pompei8309 · 08/03/2023 21:54

Give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was really desperate and you were his last resort, don’t write him off just yet

Show quote history

I genuinely believe he needed money for his gas metre, I don't think he's lying and using it for something else. I just don't want to be asked and then have the 'if he's freezing and something happens and I've said no to money' feeling hanging over me. It felt a bit like emotional blackmail honestly.

OP posts:
pinksheetss · 08/03/2023 21:59

You haven't even given it enough time to see if he will pay you back and you are already moaning
In future I suggest don't lend but only because you don't seem to be very happy about it

If it were me and £25 wasn't a big loss for me then I wouldn't begrudge giving it to someone I knew (whether friends or only through passing) if it meant they got some heat. It's tough enough as it is out there. This person clearly thought they could open to you

I think YABU

Cherryana · 08/03/2023 22:00

So, my advice comes from bitter experience. This happened to me (ish). DH lent £150 to someone In similar circumstances and we never got it back. I think he didn’t tell me because he knew I would have said no.

Don’t lend money.
Only give it (what you can afford)so there is no expectation to get it back.

But ideally don’t give it -offer something else if you feel really bad eg some churches I know are offering warm spaces, so you could look it up and tell him the times to go there.

gazpachosoupday · 08/03/2023 22:00

ObviouslyIchangedmyname · 08/03/2023 21:58

I was questioning the amount, which is excessively high for gas for most people for four days if they’re being careful with their usage. 🙄

Show quote history

Prepay is stupidly expensive, also if he has debt, that would be taken off as soon as he tops up