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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about being asked for money?

166 replies

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:15

I know a man through volunteering at an organisation we're both interested in. I would say we are friendly acquaintances. Tonight he messaged asking if I could lend him money because he can't afford to put his gas on till Monday. I asked how much and he said £25.

I have sent it because I felt guilty if he was freezing and I could help, but AIBU to feel annoyed that he asked and put me in an awkward position? I don't want it to become a regular occurrence and it has made me feel uncomfortable. AIBU to be a bit annoyed by the request, or should I just accept he had no option but to ask because of his circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:00

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 21:57

I don't know if I'd be annoyed. I'd be more perplexed as to why he asked me. Has he got no-one else closer that could help? Does he already owe them too?
Tbh if he had the balls to ask me I'd probably say yes but I'd be asking questions first.
I'm pretty assertive and don't get bullied by notions of politeness or 'the done thing' so wouldnt be annoyed.

He said he'd asked his friends for help and they couldn't and he doesn't really know anyone else to ask.

OP posts:
gazpachosoupday · 08/03/2023 22:01

should also say, that if he has used his emergency credit, he has to pay that back as well, so it will be £15

Beeeeeeeee · 08/03/2023 22:01

why didn’t you say no? If you didn’t want to lend him cash you didn’t have to. He didn’t force you.

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 22:02

ObviouslyIchangedmyname · 08/03/2023 21:58

I was questioning the amount, which is excessively high for gas for most people for four days if they’re being careful with their usage. 🙄

Show quote history

Is £25 THAT high? The £25 might be paying off his 'emergency' or standing charge so quite a bit less. If you don't understand what that means....lucky you.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:02

FL0RIST · 08/03/2023 21:58

I would have. A friendly acquaintance in need. Definitely.

But if you wouldn't have offered, you should have just told him you were skint when he asked. Then you wouldnt be annoyed at him now.

I would have, because I'm not skint and I'd be worried that something was going to happen to him with this cold because I'd said no.

OP posts:
FL0RIST · 08/03/2023 22:02

A colleague asked me to lend her £50 to see her through til payday, her family are shit and she doesn't have many friends. I took a chance, it was back in my bank pay day morning. Not everyone is out to screw you over.

CantStopWontStop0 · 08/03/2023 22:02

You weren't held at gunpoint, you could have said no, and can say no in future.

I would say, consider how embarrassing it must have been to have even needed to ask for £25.

That said, I understand wanting to set a boundary with casual acquaintances. I once lent £50 and it a took a year before it was paid back.

Dibbydoos · 08/03/2023 22:03

How lovely of you to help him, OP.

Don't expect it back if he has £ probs and def be clear that he shouldn't ask again as you don't have much yourself (unless you'remin.ted that is 😅).

I personally don't like pe. ople askieitherfor money either.

StaceySolomonSwash · 08/03/2023 22:04

It's done now. There's no point telling @Xzxzxzxz she shouldn't have lent the money, she's not got a time machine to go back and not lend it. 🙄

If I were @Xzxzxzxz I'd try to think of it as a cash donation to charity. It's gone. If he repays it's all good and she can practice saying no for any future requests. If it's not repaid, sadly, that will reinforce her ability to say no in future. Either way it's not worth beating yourself up over. OP did a kind thing for someone.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:05

pinksheetss · 08/03/2023 21:59

You haven't even given it enough time to see if he will pay you back and you are already moaning
In future I suggest don't lend but only because you don't seem to be very happy about it

If it were me and £25 wasn't a big loss for me then I wouldn't begrudge giving it to someone I knew (whether friends or only through passing) if it meant they got some heat. It's tough enough as it is out there. This person clearly thought they could open to you

I think YABU

To an extent I don't care if he pays me back. My annoyance is that he asked and put me in the position of having to choose to have him have no heat, or lend the money. I'm not happy about lending him it, I didn't offer to do so.

OP posts:
ObviouslyIchangedmyname · 08/03/2023 22:05

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 22:02

Is £25 THAT high? The £25 might be paying off his 'emergency' or standing charge so quite a bit less. If you don't understand what that means....lucky you.

Show quote history

Yes the whole world is ignorant except for you. We get the message that you’re a holier than thou know it all 🙄 My PAYG meter was removed in January, so I know exactly what I’m talking about thanks.

Forensix · 08/03/2023 22:05

I think if you've said yes and lent him it, it seems odd to be annoyed with him. You had the opportunity to say no. I understand being annoyed that you were asked, but to be annoyed and say yes and still be annoyed is odd.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:07

Beeeeeeeee · 08/03/2023 22:01

why didn’t you say no? If you didn’t want to lend him cash you didn’t have to. He didn’t force you.

Because then I'd have been worrying that something awful would happen to him in these cold temperatures because I'd said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:10

Forensix · 08/03/2023 22:05

I think if you've said yes and lent him it, it seems odd to be annoyed with him. You had the opportunity to say no. I understand being annoyed that you were asked, but to be annoyed and say yes and still be annoyed is odd.

Because it felt like emotional blackmail. 'You can say no but the house is freezing and I'm freezing'. How can I say no?

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/03/2023 22:12

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 22:10

Because it felt like emotional blackmail. 'You can say no but the house is freezing and I'm freezing'. How can I say no?

Show quote history

"Sorry, I cant"

It really is that simple.

Forensix · 08/03/2023 22:13

Yeah you could have just said no. If you never had money in the bank you'd have had to say no, like his friends did.

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/03/2023 22:14

If he asks again say something along the lines of you getting in trouble with the organisation that you volunteer for but offer to signpost him to other charities who may be able to help.

Riverlee · 08/03/2023 22:15

@Xzxzxzxz

i understand where you are coming from. Basically, he made his problem your responsibility, and if you refused to help, you become the baddy (which you’re not).

Are there any warm hubs you can direct him to also.

Lockheart · 08/03/2023 22:15

It was a kind gesture as a one off.

But what will you do if he doesn't repay you and he keeps asking?

You need to direct him to charities and local services who can provide proper long term help.

Rainbowshine · 08/03/2023 22:16

His problems are not your responsibility to solve. You need to get your head around that. I don’t understand why you feel that you have to rescue people who have such a tenuous connection to you. I think you need to think about that. That will help you to say no without all the angst.

BasiliskStare · 08/03/2023 22:18

I can actually understand being annoyed at being asked - lending it in case the chap was genuinely in need - but still being annoyed for being asked. When all is said and done @Xzxzxzxz has done a kind thing & if the money is wasted or he should be looking elsewhere well so be it if OP can afford it.

So I think a kind gesture but I don't think OP is wrong for being annoyed. I wouldn't be doing again though.

Zapzep · 08/03/2023 22:19

If you do work at voluntary organisations then you are going to meet people with unfortunate circumstances. I was nice of you to lend the money, put don’t feel obliged too.

Quitelikeit · 08/03/2023 22:22

Choose you hard

A: saying no and being worried about him being cold

B: giving money and feeling emotionally pressured

How about you feel good that you did some good for someone in the world today? That’s how I would look at it

However in your circs I would not have given £25 maybe 10 or £15 tops

Cornishclio · 08/03/2023 22:22

He turned his problem into your problem and made you feel guilty enough to give him money. No I would not have helped him. He was not a friend and he does not even sound like a nice person. He may not have had any money or he might be sitting on a fortune and this sounds like a nice scam to get a bit of cash out of someone. That might be cynical but I volunteer on the MSE website and there are stories galore on there about "friends" borrowing money and never paying it back. This guy wasn't even a friend. Just say no next time unless you are happy to lose the money and it does not sound like you are.

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 22:26

ObviouslyIchangedmyname · 08/03/2023 22:05

Yes the whole world is ignorant except for you. We get the message that you’re a holier than thou know it all 🙄 My PAYG meter was removed in January, so I know exactly what I’m talking about thanks.

Show quote history

I suggest you re-read. Nowhere have I said you don't know what 'emergency' is or that you don't know what you're talking about. No idea what the 'holier than thou but means'. Yes I said I probably would lend the money but I'd ask nosey Qs so not quite holier or even holy.
I've also said is £25 THAT high? It's more than I use but a lot less than others (especially if the £25 equates to £15 of fuel). Note how I used a question here. A 'know it all' would have said £25 isn't that high. ....or maybe "the amount is excessively high"!